Contents  
Choosing the Sun  
How to understand yourself and your Chimp  
How to manage your Chimp  
How to understand the Computer in your mind  
How to manage your Computer  
How your mind works and influences personality  
How to understand and relate to other people  
How to choose the right support network  
How to communicate effectively  
How to establish the right environment  
About the Book  
Do you sabotage your own happiness and success? Are you  
struggling to make sense of yourself? Do your emotions  
sometimes dictate your life?  
The Chimp Paradox is an incredibly powerful mind management  
model that can help you become a happy, confident, healthier and  
more successful person. Prof Steve Peters explains the struggle that  
takes place within your mind and then shows how to apply this  
understanding to every area of your life so you can:  
– Recognise how your mind is working  
– Understand and manage your emotions and thoughts  
– Manage yourself and become the person you would like to be  
The Chimp Mind Management Model is based on scientific facts and  
principles, which have been simplified into a workable model for  
easy use. It will help you to develop yourself and give you the skills,  
for example, to remove anxiety, have confidence and choose your  
emotions. The book will do this by giving you an understanding of  
the way in which your mind works and how you can manage it. It will  
also help you to identify what is holding you back or preventing you  
from having a happier and more successful life.  
Each chapter explains different aspects of how you function and  
highlights key facts for you to understand. There are also exercises  
for you to work with. By undertaking these exercises you will see  
immediate improvements in your daily living and, over time, you will  
develop emotional skills and practical habits that will help you to  
become the person that you want to be, and live the life that you  
want to live.  
 
About the Author  
Prof Steve Peters is a consultant psychiatrist and has worked in the  
clinical field of psychiatry for over 20 years. He specialises in  
optimising the functioning of the mind and also holds degrees in  
mathematics and medicine. Prof Peters is Undergraduate Dean at  
Sheffield University Medical School and resident psychiatrist with  
Sky ProCycling. He is also the consultant psychiatrist for Liverpool  
FC and, from May 2014, for the England football team. Steven  
Gerrard, Sir Chris Hoy, Sir Bradley Wiggins, Ronnie O’Sullivan,  
Victoria Pendleton and Craig Bellamy have all spoken publicly about  
how Prof Peters’ unique model has helped them improve their  
performance.  
Outside of elite sport, Prof Peters works with CEOs, senior  
executives, students, hospital staff and patients, helping them to  
understand why they think and act as they do and how to manage  
their minds to optimise their performance at work and in their  
personal  
lives.  
For  
more  
information  
visit  
 
 
Introduction  
The Journey  
Choosing the Sun  
Reading this book will take you on a journey of self-discovery and  
development. By understanding and applying the concepts within it,  
you will not only improve the quality of your life, but also significantly  
increase your chances of being happy and successful in whatever  
you do. The book is written around a model that I have developed  
called Chimp Management, which has helped many people  
understand themselves and learn how to work with their emotions.  
Some parts of the book will resonate with you more strongly than  
others. Select those parts that are relevant to you and work with  
them.  
In my work as a psychiatrist and lecturer, people typically present  
me with comments or questions that are usually centred on problems  
that they don’t understand or can’t solve. For example:  
• How do I become the person that I would like to be?  
• I want to be confident in myself.  
• How do I become more organised and successful in what I do?  
• Why do I worry so much?  
• How do I become a more effective leader?  
• I want to be happy.  
 
• How do I stop worrying about what others think?  
• Why can’t I make decisions?  
• How do I motivate myself?  
• Why do I have such a low opinion of myself?  
• How do I stop emotions that prevent me from reaching my  
professional potential?  
• I drink too much.  
• Why do I often act against common-sense?  
• My moods just go up and down.  
• How do I stop overeating?  
• Why do I sometimes become so irrational in my thinking?  
• I can’t control my anger.  
• Why can’t I remain faithful?  
• I can’t get on with my boss.  
• Why do I feel judged all the time?  
• How do I make my relationship work?  
And the list goes on!  
How we will go through the journey  
Chimp Management is based on scientific facts and principles, which  
have been simplified into a workable model for easy use. It will help  
you to answer the above questions, develop yourself and give you  
the skills, for example, to remove anxiety, have confidence and  
choose your emotions.  
The book will do this by giving you an understanding of the way in  
which your mind works and how you can manage it. It will help you  
to identify what is holding you back or preventing you from having a  
happier and more successful life. Each chapter explains different  
aspects of how you function and highlights key facts for you to  
understand. There are exercises for you to work through. By  
undertaking these exercises you will see immediate improvements in  
your daily living and over time you will develop emotional skills and  
practical habits that will help you to become the person that you want  
to be, and live the life that you want to live.  
We will consider seven different areas to work on:  
Your inner mind  
• Understanding and relating to others  
• Communication  
• The world in which you live  
Your health  
Your success  
Your happiness  
To help you to understand and visualise these areas better, each will  
be represented by a planet, some of which have their own moons to  
stabilise them. The seven planets and their moons come together to  
form the Psychological Universe within your head! I will introduce  
each planet as we go through the journey across this Universe,  
which of course, strictly speaking is a solar system. (See here for a  
diagram of the Universe).  
Just as the sun is the centre of the physical solar system, your  
Sun is the centre of your Psychological Universe and represents  
self-fulfilment and what you believe to be the meaning and purpose  
of your life. The Sun has the best chance of shining when all of the  
seven planets in your Universe are spinning correctly and in  
harmony. Therefore, in order to make your Sun shine you have to  
work on each area in your life and get it into a good place. So let’s  
choose the Sun and begin our journey of self-discovery and life-  
changing attitudes.  
Part 1  
Your Inner Mind Explored  
 
Chapter 1  
The Psychological Mind  
AS WE BEGIN our journey across the Universe we need to have a basic  
understanding of what is inside our head and how it works. The  
human brain is complicated so we will look at a simplified version. It  
is easiest to consider the human brain as a system of seven brains  
working together.  
The human brain simplified  
Within the Chimp Management model, three of these brains –  
frontal, limbic and parietal – combine to form the ‘Psychological  
Mind’ and we will only look at these brains. Remember that  
scientifically this is far from accurate but it will give us a working  
model. Strictly speaking, the other brains significantly contribute to  
emotions, thinking and memory but for our purposes we will  
dramatically simplify things.  
The three psychological brains in our model, the frontal, limbic  
and parietal, are called the Human, the Chimp and the Computer.  
For convenience, we will let the parietal lobe represent many parts of  
the brain, which makes our diagram more straightforward. Although  
these three brains try to work together, they very frequently get into  
 
conflict and struggle against each other to gain control, with the  
Chimp (limbic brain) often winning!  
The Psychological Mind  
Introducing the Chimp  
When you were in the womb two different brains, the frontal (Human)  
and limbic (Chimp: an emotional machine), developed independently  
and then introduced themselves to each other by forming  
connections. The problem is that they found they were not in  
agreement about most things. Either of these two brains, or beings,  
could run your life for you but they try to work together, and therein is  
the problem. The Human and Chimp have independent personalities  
with different agendas, ways of thinking, and modes of operating.  
Effectively there are two beings in your head! It is important to grasp  
that only one of these beings is you, the Human.  
The Chimp is the emotional machine that we all possess. It thinks  
independently from us and can make decisions. It offers emotional  
thoughts and feelings that can be very constructive or very  
destructive; it is not good or bad, it is a Chimp. The Chimp Paradox  
is that it can be your best friend and your worst enemy, even at the  
same time. The main purpose of this book is to help you to manage  
your Chimp and to harness its strength and power when it is working  
for you and to neutralise it when it is not.  
Key Point  
The Chimp is an emotional machine that thinks independently  
from us. It is not good or bad, it is just a Chimp.  
When people have accidents that damage their frontal lobe or where  
they have a disorder or illness affecting the frontal lobe, their  
personality alters. Effectively the Human part of the brain stops  
working and the new personality that presents is the Chimp. Very  
often, people affected in this way will become disinhibited and lose  
their judgement or they can become apathetic or have outbursts of  
aggressive behaviour.  
The case of Phineas Gage  
An early example that demonstrated there could be two  
different personalities in one head – represented by the Human  
and Chimp – was that of Phineas Gage. In the late nineteenth  
century, Gage was employed by a railway company to clear the  
way for the tracklayers by blowing away any boulders that were  
too big to move manually. To do this he packed explosives  
beneath the boulder and then tamped it down with a thick iron  
rod before lighting the fuse. Gage had been chosen to do this  
dangerous work because he was judged to be careful, sober  
and responsible. However, one time, Gage allowed himself to  
be distracted at a crucial moment and caused the rod to strike  
the boulder, which created a spark. The resulting explosion  
jettisoned the iron bar into Gage’s eye socket, through the front  
of his head and out the top of his skull. As it exited, it took with  
it a clean core of brain tissue from his frontal (Human) lobe.  
Apart from being blind in one eye, Gage made a full  
recovery. However, his personality was completely altered. He  
became foul-mouthed, aggressive and impulsive. Effectively,  
his Human had gone and he was now left with just the Chimp!  
You can recognise the difference between your Chimp thinking  
and Human thinking without knowing any of the science. How many  
times have you talked to yourself, reassured yourself or had battles  
within your own head? Often you have thoughts and feelings that  
you do not want and even carry out behaviours that you know at the  
time are not really what you want to do. So why are you doing this?  
How can it be that you do not have control over what thoughts or  
emotions you have and what behaviours you carry out? How can  
you be two very different people at different times?  
Technology can go some way to answering this question.  
Functional brain scanners show the blood supply in your brain going  
to the area that is being used. If you think calmly and rationally then  
we can see the blood going to the frontal area, the Human in your  
head, and you become the person that you want to be and that you  
really are. If you become emotional and somewhat irrational,  
especially when you are angry or distressed, then we see the blood  
supply go to your Chimp, and you would usually say this is not how  
you want to be and that you don’t want this. The truth is that it is your  
Chimp, an emotional machine, that is overpowering your Human  
mind.  
This starts to explain many things, such as why you worry or why  
you say things in the heat of the moment and then regret them, or  
why you can’t stop eating or why you don’t exercise when you really  
want to but just can’t get your act together. The list is endless.  
Wonder no more: it is not you doing these things, it is your Chimp  
that is hijacking you. Having a Chimp is like owning a dog. You are  
not responsible for the nature of the dog but you are responsible for  
managing it and keeping it well behaved. This is a very important  
point and you should stop and think about this because it is crucial to  
your happiness and success in life.  
Key Point  
You are not responsible for the nature of your Chimp but you  
are responsible for managing it.  
The Chimp within  
To reiterate, the Chimp within your head is a separate entity to you. It  
was born when you were born but actually has nothing to do with  
you as a Human. It is simply part of your machinery. For example,  
when you were born you were given a certain colour of eyes. You  
didn’t choose this colour, it was given to you. It was in your genes.  
There isn’t much you can do about it, so you accept your eye colour  
and get on with your life. Similarly you didn’t choose your Chimp, it  
was given to you and you need to accept it. It has a mind of its own  
and thinks with original thoughts that are not yours. It is a living  
machine that is built to serve a purpose, which is to ensure the next  
generation. It has a personality of its own and it can run your life for  
you, usually not very well, but it can do it! It is an extremely powerful  
emotional machine.  
You might wish to give your Chimp a name and introduce yourself  
because it plays one of the biggest parts in your life. Throughout  
your life, you (the Human) and your Chimp (your emotional thinking  
machine) will often do battle.  
Key Point  
One of the secrets of success and happiness is to learn to live  
with your Chimp and not get bitten or attacked by it. To do this,  
you need to understand how your Chimp behaves, and why it  
thinks and acts in the way that it does. You also need to  
understand your Human and not muddle up your Human with  
your Chimp.  
The Psychological Mind therefore has two independent thinking  
machines that also independently interpret our experiences.  
The two beings that think and then interpret  
• The Human is you, and you live in your frontal lobe.  
• The Chimp is your emotional machine, given to you at birth, and it  
lives in your limbic system.  
The third part of the Psychological Mind  
The ‘Psychological Mind’ also has a storage area for thoughts and  
behaviours called the Computer, which is spread throughout the  
whole brain.  
The storage of information for reference  
The Computer stores information that the Chimp or Human has put  
into it. It then uses this information to act for them in an automatic  
way or it can serve as a reference point.  
So now that you have a basic understanding of what is inside your  
head, let us start the journey across the Psychological Universe. We  
can see how you are operating with your Human, Chimp and  
Computer in different circumstances and how you can use them to  
your advantage and understand yourself better.  
Summary key points  
• The Psychological Mind is made up of three separate brains:  
Human, Chimp and Computer.  
You are the Human.  
Your Chimp is an emotional thinking machine.  
Your Computer is a storage area and automatic functioning  
machine.  
• Any one of them can take complete control but usually they work  
together.  
Suggested exercise:  
Development time  
What is ‘development time’ and why have it?  
Simply put, ‘development time’ is time specifically set aside that  
is dedicated to reflecting on how you are managing yourself.  
You will benefit most from the model of the Chimp, the Human  
and the Computer if you spend time thinking through the  
concepts involved and then implementing them. The best way  
to make sure that you establish ‘development time’ is to make it  
into a habit. Habits are formed when they are easy to do.  
Therefore, setting aside a specific time in the day that is  
sacrosanct for development thinking will increase your chances  
of it happening regularly. This session must be easy to do  
otherwise your Chimp won’t agree and you won’t do it! So  
making the session just ten minutes long is more likely to  
establish the habit than making the session an hour long. Try to  
establish ten minutes a day. By reflecting during development  
time, the Human is reviewing what is in the Computer and  
modifying it. As we will see in future chapters, this is critical to  
managing your Chimp.  
What to do  
During this time, you need to look back over the last 24 hours  
and reflect on how you managed it. Keep a logbook and write  
only one or two lines for each day, which will help focus your  
mind on how you can improve the way that you do things or  
how you are thinking. It will also help you to work through the  
points raised in this book.  
An example  
Here is a suggestion for the first few sessions. Try to improve  
your ability to recognise when your Chimp is hijacking you with  
thoughts, feelings and behaviours that you don’t want to have.  
By doing this, you are learning to recognise the difference  
between yourself and your Chimp and who is in control at any  
point in time. This will help to make clear that there are two  
brains operating within your head and only one of them is you.  
Chapter 2  
The Divided Planet  
(PART 1)  
How to understand yourself and your Chimp  
THE FIRST OF the seven planet systems consists of the Divided Planet  
and the Guiding Moon. It represents your inner mind and the battle  
that goes on inside your head. This is the most important planet  
system in your Universe because if it is not in control then it is  
unlikely that any of the other planets can function properly.  
The Divided Planet is where the Human and Chimp live. You and  
your Chimp typically have an uneasy relationship that frequently  
involves compromise and conflict. It is often a battle for power  
between the two of you. As the Chimp is far stronger than you are, it  
is wise to understand it and then nurture and manage it.  
To understand how you and your Chimp work differently, we will  
approach this in a systematic way by looking at four aspects:  
• Ways of thinking  
• Agendas  
• Modes of operating  
• Personalities  
 
Two different ways of thinking  
You and your Chimp think in very different ways. As we go about our  
day we are continually receiving information from around us. The  
Human and Chimp both receive this information and then interpret it.  
The Chimp interprets this information with feelings and  
impressions. When it has got a feel for what is going on, it then  
uses emotional thinking to put things together and to work out what  
is happening and form a plan of action. All of this process is based  
on emotion. Emotional thinking means that the Chimp makes  
guesses and fills in detail by assumptions that are typically based on  
a hunch, paranoid feelings or defensive thoughts. The chances  
therefore that the Chimp will get the right interpretation as to what is  
happening may not be so good; however, sometimes the gut feeling  
it has is right. It can only think and act with emotion.  
The Human, on the other hand, will interpret information by  
searching for the facts and establishing the truth. When it has  
done this, it will then put things together in a logical manner using  
logical thinking and form a plan of action based on this. So logic is  
the Human’s basis for thinking and acting.  
Both processes can be healthy, but lead to different interpretations of  
what is happening and how to deal with it.  
So whatever you are doing, there are two of you interpreting what is  
going on and forming an opinion as to what you should do.  
Sometimes the two of you agree on what to do and there is no  
problem, but often the two of you disagree. When you disagree, the  
Chimp is the most powerful and therefore gets control of your  
thoughts and actions. However, if you recognise what is happening,  
and have strategies for managing this, you will gain control of your  
thinking and then you can act in a logical manner.  
John and the parked car  
Let’s start with a simple example to demonstrate the differences in  
thinking between the Chimp and the Human within the head of  
someone called John.  
John is telling his wife, Pauline, that the man next door had  
blocked his car in by parking across the driveway and he had to go  
and tell the man to move the car. John (the Human) is telling the  
story in a matter-of-fact way and his inner Chimp is calmly listening.  
Pauline then responds by saying, ‘I don’t know why you are  
making such a deal of it; it got sorted didn’t it?’  
John and his Chimp have both heard this response but have very  
different interpretations and reactions to Pauline’s comment. The  
Human in John, being reasonable, may think, ‘I wasn’t really making  
a deal of it but clearly Pauline doesn’t want to hear, so I will just let it  
go,’ or ‘It did get sorted so she has probably got a point and I need to  
move on and not react.’ The Human has remained calm and has  
already moved on without a problem.  
The Chimp in John, however, may react in a very different way.  
The Chimp has taken the remark personally and has become  
agitated. It may interpret the comment as a direct criticism, and  
therefore the Chimp will go into defence or attack mode. It is likely to  
raise its voice and say something like, ‘Why do you never support  
me?’ or ‘I am not making a deal of it, what is your problem?’ or ‘I only  
made a comment that I thought you, as my wife, might be interested  
in.’  
You can imagine how the conversation goes downhill from this  
point on. If we had stopped the scenario after Pauline gave her  
remark and we asked John how he would like to respond, then it is  
likely that he would choose to be Human and let it go. However, as  
the Chimp within us is far more powerful than the Human, it is more  
likely that the Chimp will speak before the Human gets a chance to  
take control, and this will end up leaving John wondering why he  
didn’t just let go of the remark in the first place.  
Sarah’s comment  
Let’s have another example of the different thinking patterns  
between the Human and the Chimp. Rachael is at work when Sarah  
makes a comment to her, saying that Rachael looks like she is tired.  
The message always goes to the Chimp first (this is one of the  
rules of how the brain works). The Chimp reacts in an emotional way  
and typically thinks it is being criticised so it becomes agitated,  
possibly annoyed, possibly upset (it all depends on the nature of that  
particular Chimp and what mood it is in). The Chimp now uses  
emotional construction to understand the remark. So it may say  
something like, ‘She really means you are looking old,’ or ‘She is  
insinuating that you are not working hard enough,’ or it may have  
any other unhelpful or destructive interpretation. Alternatively, the  
Chimp might think positively, such as, ‘She is concerned for me,’ or  
‘She is probably right and I need to slow down a bit,’ or some other  
constructive thought.  
The Human, on the other hand, if it were unsure of what was  
meant, would have calmly checked what Sarah implied. It would  
have done this by establishing what the facts of the comment were.  
Then, having clarified what Sarah meant, it would have responded to  
it in a rational way. Now we can answer one of the questions posed  
at the start of the book.  
Why do I sometimes become so irrational in my thinking?  
One of the opening questions was: ‘Why do I sometimes become so  
irrational in my thinking?’ The answer may now be clear. It is not you  
thinking at all, but your Chimp taking over and thinking for you. The  
solution therefore is to understand how your Chimp thinks, recognise  
when it is taking over, and intervene.  
What you are experiencing when you have strong emotional  
reactions is very natural and the sign of a healthy mind. However,  
emotions can shift ground quickly and therefore the Chimp’s thinking  
is relatively unstable and inconsistent. Therefore, the Chimp is less  
predictable than the Human when it comes to decision-making and  
the process is often irrational. Because of this unpredictability, it is  
usually unhelpful to let the Chimp think for us, so we need to address  
it. First we will understand how a healthy inner Chimp thinks.  
Understanding the Chimp – emotional thinking  
The basis of emotional thinking is impression and feeling  
The Chimp does not necessarily work with facts but it works with  
what it believes is the truth or with a perception of the truth or, even  
worse, with a projection of what might be the truth. It is quick to form  
an impression on little, if any, evidence and usually won’t give way.  
Of course, some impressions that the Chimp gives us are accurate  
and helpful, but they can just as easily be wrong. Searching for some  
accuracy and truth would help us to reach a sensible conclusion.  
Your Chimp typically forms first impressions when you meet new  
people by reading body language. If you know that your Chimp is  
often wrong then it can be helpful to see if a friend’s Chimp is more  
skilled in doing this and rely on them! We know that some people’s  
Chimps are naturally good at judging the character of people,  
whereas other Chimps are not so good.  
Chimps like to work on feelings and often start their conversations  
with ‘But I feel…’ or ‘I don’t feel like…’ Their feelings are very  
important to them and they usually fail to recognise that all feelings  
come and go. Of course, it is good to have feelings from the Chimp  
and they can be a very useful indication for us to know what to do.  
However, they are not always reliable and can change quickly. So  
working with feelings can be helpful or unhelpful. Sometimes the  
Human needs to say to the Chimp, ‘I don’t care how you feel we  
have to do it,’ or ‘I don’t care whether you are in the mood or not, it is  
not about mood.’  
Here are some of the traits of emotional thinking  
Jumps to an opinion  
The Chimp is fast to reach a conclusion and doesn’t wait for all of the  
information to come through before reaching its conclusion. The  
Chimp forms an opinion based on its feelings and impressions and  
then fixes its opinion. It then searches out evidence to back up its  
opinion and prove its point. In doing this, it typically twists the facts to  
fit its opinion and is very unreasonable and irrational if challenged.  
Thinks in black and white  
Inner Chimps are very much like children, they think in terms of black  
and white. They can be very unforgiving and will not discuss shades  
of grey. Adult Humans are more able to appreciate that very little in  
life is black or white. As Chimps think in black and white, they  
become very judgemental and are quick to respond. When you are  
thinking with your Chimp you tend to see only one possibility.  
Chimps don’t usually consider alternative interpretations of what  
might be happening.  
Paranoid  
The Chimp needs to know that it is safe, so it is vigilant and  
continually looks for danger and therefore is prone to paranoia. It  
thinks that it is far safer to be a bit paranoid and wary towards others  
or a situation than to relax and lose your life. Therefore it is not  
unusual for our Chimps to be suspicious of others and have some  
mistrust. The more vulnerable that a Chimp feels, the more paranoid  
it will become in its outlook.  
Chimps that are insecure may read lots of things into harmless  
situations. They can also read intrigue and malice in comments or  
statements that others make and then allow their imaginations to run  
wild. When the Chimp has an opinion it will become even more  
paranoid about defending it. The Chimp will often take things out of  
context and also become very defensive. Dealing with paranoia in  
your Chimp is a skilful business and will be addressed in the Chimp  
Management section.  
Catastrophic  
As Chimps are constantly vigilant to danger, they tend to think  
catastrophically. They overreact to situations and fuel them with high  
and intense emotion. Whenever they perceive something is wrong,  
they have a tendency to start worrying about what might happen and  
then get things completely out of perspective. This frequently leads  
to terrible feelings of gloom and doom and stomach-churning  
moments. These moments are often linked to black-and-white  
thinking, which means you are left with a feeling that there is no way  
out or there can be no recovering from what you are going through.  
The emotion the Chimp then offers to the Human is horrendous  
and extreme, causing much pain. Think how many times you have  
been through emotional turmoil at the hands of your Chimp, only to  
look back wondering why you allowed yourself to be put through it.  
Irrational  
The Chimp does not work rationally. It doesn’t try to decide if  
something is likely or feasible but typically jumps to conclusions and  
fills in missing details with anything it chooses. It can therefore  
become very unreasonable and end up looking foolish. If the Chimp  
manages to get control of your mind and then interprets what is  
happening to you, the reasoning it offers is likely to be silly and  
unfounded. There will be little, if any, logic shown. Sadly this  
irrational approach will lead us into uncomfortable situations and  
when the truth appears we may want the ground to swallow us up.  
Let’s look at an example of how the Chimp works:  
Rob is waiting for his girlfriend, Sally, at a cinema and they have  
agreed to meet at 8.30. The time is now 9.00 and there is no sign of  
her. His Chimp has got control and is on the warpath. His Chimp  
thinks emotionally. ‘It is late; she has not told me what is happening;  
I am wasting my time; I may as well go into the cinema; she isn’t  
worth it; she has let me down; she shouldn’t do this to me; she has  
humiliated me; I am angry; I am upset,’ and so it goes on. Suddenly  
Sally arrives and, before she has the chance to say anything, his  
Chimp attacks – ‘Why have you turned up late? You have made me  
look like a fool; what’s the point of going in now it’s too late?’ and  
many more attacks. Then he stops and Sally speaks.  
‘Someone has been knocked over just round the corner. I went to  
help and they were using my mobile to get an ambulance and the  
police. I held the woman’s hand as she lay on the floor. The  
ambulance came and then I rushed to get here. I am sorry I couldn’t  
let you know but they were using my phone to get help.’ Now Rob  
feels pretty bad and his Chimp changes its emotion to being  
remorseful. But the damage is done.  
This simple story represents how the Chimp thinks very emotionally,  
it did not wait for the facts but just made assumptions and got  
offended. In this case the Chimp got angry but there are many other  
ways it could have responded and still left Rob acting  
inappropriately. This happens a lot to all of us if we don’t manage our  
Chimps. By managing our Chimps we would live in a very different  
world.  
Emotive judgement  
Chimps judge others quickly and without mercy. Judgement is based  
on all of the criteria that it uses to think with. Therefore it can be  
based on pure feelings or impressions or on its own paranoia. These  
judgements are not open to reasoning, so the Chimp is unlikely to be  
persuaded that it may be wrong. Chimps may also judge others to  
fulfil their own agenda, such as getting revenge or to wield power  
over someone.  
The Chimp’s basis for making decisions is by  
using ‘emotional thinking’  
When we are thinking with the Chimp, we use ‘emotional thinking’ to  
piece together our ideas on what is happening. Very little logic, if  
any, is used, just emotional energy. So the Chimp pieces together its  
irrational, black-and-white and catastrophic impressions, feelings  
and paranoia, in an often nonsensical way to draw up conclusions  
and then a plan of action. The Chimp does not use sound reasoning.  
It doesn’t take a genius to see that this is not a good basis to work  
from. Thankfully there is an alternative way of thinking and we can  
learn to shift the blood supply in our brains in order to use this  
alternative. The alternative way is that of the Human.  
Understanding the Human – logical thinking  
The basis of logical thinking is facts and truth  
Humans begin to work out what is happening by first establishing the  
facts. They gather all the information available before beginning to  
make plans. Having gathered the facts, Humans try to establish the  
truth and then base their beliefs on the truth.  
In society, we spend a lot of energy and discussion finding out the  
truth, whether it is about something serious or trivial. There is an  
innate Human desire to try to reach the truth in all situations and  
when the truth does not come out it can cause distress to both  
Chimp and Human. Being misrepresented is a particularly  
unpleasant experience that Humans try to rectify and if this doesn’t  
happen then the Chimp often joins forces with the Human to  
demonstrate its annoyance!  
Here are some of the traits of logical thinking  
Evidence-based  
Humans work with evidence and they search for proof. They remain  
open-minded and have the ability to change their mind and to see  
someone else’s point of view. They don’t personalise their viewpoint  
or belief, and therefore do not become defensive if challenged.  
Rational  
Rational thinking is when we use common-sense and decide if  
something is feasible and realistic. Ironically, rational thinking is often  
prompted by the Chimp, which activates the Human. The Chimp  
does this by an intuitive prompt; a bell ringing in your head saying  
that something just doesn’t sound true. However, the Human must  
remain in charge and search for evidence to back up the Chimp’s  
prompt. If we don’t do this and allow our Chimp to take over,  
common-sense disappears and at some point in the future the  
Chimp’s prompt may work against us. We will then look back and  
say, ‘What was I thinking?’  
In context and with perspective  
Keeping situations in context and perspective demonstrates Human  
thinking. Wanting to understand how things came about and what  
was happening at the time is a Human trait. This helps us to give  
actions and remarks a context. Humans also appreciate that all  
events come and go and therefore gain a perspective on what is  
happening and how important it is in the scheme of things.  
Shades of grey and balanced judgement  
Typically, when we are very young we work via the Chimp and see  
most things in black and white. Children demonstrate this by being  
quite harsh in their judgements of situations.  
Adult Humans think in shades of grey. As adults, we learn to  
appreciate that there may be many factors involved when we are  
trying to understand something and we accept that we may not have  
all of them in our possession. Therefore, we are less likely to judge  
harshly and we are more likely to see things in shades of grey or not  
judge at all. We also modify our thinking with the experience that life  
gives us.  
Humans accept that they may be wrong, and reflect on this,  
becoming more open to suggestions. They also accept that  
sometimes they may not reach the truth, there may not be an answer  
or it may be just a matter of opinion.  
The Human’s basis for making decisions is by  
using ‘logical thinking’  
Logical thinking means that we follow patterns of thinking that are  
linked and make sense and then reason out conclusions on which to  
act. If someone is upset, for example, then we can say that there  
must be a reason for this. The counter-argument would also be true,  
that if someone experiences something unpleasant then they are  
likely to become upset. There are several forms of logic that we use.  
Examples include:  
• Deducing things by going through steps  
• Working with evidence and facts, to reach a conclusion  
• Following arguments by piecing together information  
• Employing reasoning to work things out  
A summary of the two different ways of thinking  
Two different agendas  
The purpose and agenda of the Chimp is survival.  
The Human’s agenda is to achieve self-fulfilment. This is usually  
about becoming the person you want to be and achieving the things  
you want to achieve. The Human will often search for the meaning of  
life.  
Many people might consider the Human as having the soul or  
spirit of the person. As we consider the differences between the  
agenda of the Chimp and the Human we will see why there is  
frequently a severe clash between the two beings.  
Understanding the Chimp’s agenda  
Perpetuation of the species and self-survival  
The Chimp may have many objectives and these may vary at  
different times but the main agenda of the Chimp is to produce the  
next generation. It’s nature’s way of perpetuating the species.  
The Chimp uses its sex drive along with other drives to try and  
fulfil this agenda. Therefore your Chimp has this drive high on its  
priority list! A strong sex drive indicates a healthy Chimp.  
A very close second agenda of the Chimp is self-survival, which  
includes protecting itself from harm.  
These two agendas of the Chimp play a very big part in the way  
that it acts. All Chimps are different and may have different agendas  
but we will consider the typical Chimp.  
These two extremely strong drives are common to all higher  
species, not just ourselves and are necessary for survival of the  
species. Therefore, they must want to produce the next generation,  
or at least have some drives (such as the sex drive or a parental  
drive) that will result in the next generation being produced. We must  
also want to survive ourselves in order to do this.  
If the typical Chimp is really pushed, it is quite likely to protect the  
species rather than protect itself. The black widow spider  
demonstrates this principle. Here there is a clash between the drive  
to produce the next generation and the drive to survive. The drive for  
the male to have sex and therefore perpetuate the species overrides  
his own safety and he will mate with the female knowing that he is  
highly likely to be eaten, if he can’t escape quickly enough.  
We can also see this clash of drives in people, though hopefully  
not quite so dramatically! For example, those who have unprotected  
sex despite being in a situation where there is a high risk of  
contracting the HIV virus. Thankfully, with medication, this virus is  
not the killer that it once was. However, when it first arrived people  
took incredible risks, knowing that this may have deadly  
consequences.  
For many people the drive for sex cannot be underestimated, it is  
nature’s way of ensuring the species continues. This is why some  
people who are in a loving relationship and wish to remain  
monogamous find it almost impossible to remain faithful. The Human  
is saying and wanting one thing, and the Chimp is saying and  
wanting another.  
Other objectives  
Clearly the Chimp will have other objectives that support species or  
individual survival, and these objectives may vary from time to time.  
Examples include: attracting a mate, establishing a territory,  
searching for food and finding shelter. We will cover the drives  
behind these agendas later in this chapter in the ‘Jungle Centre’  
section.  
Understanding the Human’s agenda  
Self-agenda  
Human beings are very diverse about what they feel is their purpose  
in life. Some live a life that is based on establishing the basics of  
living and stop there. Other Humans go on to try to gain self-  
fulfilment and satisfaction in life, which may be by helping others.  
Self-fulfilment can be achieved in many different ways and it is  
really up to you to work out what it is that you want to do with your  
life. Everyone is unique and there are no rights and wrongs here.  
Many people look at self-development, and it seems that those who  
work on this and on self-fulfilment are more likely to be content in  
life. One thing is clear: that having a purpose in life is something that  
Humans thrive on.  
Society agenda  
Humans are by nature typically social animals, although there are  
clear exceptions. One of the main agendas of the Human is to build  
a society where Humans can live in harmony and in peace. This  
agenda is seen across all Human societies. Therefore, Humans by  
their nature will constantly try to establish society rules and society  
living. These rules are based on equality and opportunity and are  
really there to contain the Chimp within people. The Human looks for  
justice and structure, and works with ethical and moral principles to  
establish Human rights and Human values to live by. They are based  
on value judgements of right and wrong, with consequences  
attached to them.  
Other objectives  
Other Human objectives vary greatly from individual to individual but  
most are based around happiness and success, however these are  
defined. The problem with these agendas is that if we are not careful  
the Chimp takes them up and employs ‘jungle laws’ to achieve them.  
For example, Humans would like businesses to be based on ethical  
principles and have an agenda to succeed. However, often bullying  
and intimidation take place as the Chimp takes over this Human  
agenda to succeed, and mixes in its own agendas, such as fulfilling  
its own ego or establishing its own territory.  
Two different modes of operating  
The Chimp and Human have different agendas and to fulfil these  
they operate by using two very different principles. The Chimp  
operates by the laws of the jungle and it does this by having powerful  
drives and instincts. The Human operates by the laws of society and  
it does this by using powerful ethical and moral drives, typically with  
a conscience.  
By far, the biggest challenge for the individual Human is to live  
with an animal within that is determined to live by the laws of  
the jungle and to use extremely powerful drives and instincts to  
fulfil its own agenda.  
Understanding the Chimp – the Jungle Centre  
The Chimp operates with a ‘Jungle Centre’ that is based on instincts  
and drives. The Jungle Centre is an area within the Chimp brain that  
gives the Chimp the characteristics and attitudes needed to survive  
in a jungle. This Centre contains beliefs and behaviours that work  
well in the jungle but not so well in a society! Major problems arise  
when the Chimp applies its jungle drives in a Human society.  
Here are some of the operational features of the  
Jungle Centre  
Instincts  
An instinct is a built-in response or reaction, usually present from  
birth, to a particular stimulus or trigger. Instincts are in place to  
ensure that we survive. They are pre-programmed automatic  
behaviours and do not require us to have a say in what happens,  
they just need a stimulus.  
For example, when a baby is born it has an automatic (instinctual)  
response to being touched by a finger on the cheek. It will turn  
towards the finger and begin to suck. This suckling response  
ensures that when it is near a nipple it will search out the nipple and  
suckle on it. All young animals have an array of instincts to help  
them survive. Your Chimp uses very strong instincts to keep both it  
and you safe.  
The Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF) response is arguably the most  
frequently used and most important instinct that our Chimps  
possess. The entire animal kingdom shares this one particular  
instinct and it is used every day by all species, including humans.  
This FFF instinct is nature’s automatic response when danger or  
perceived danger threatens. The response takes place instantly in  
order to protect you. It is a very powerful reaction and it provokes  
intense emotion to make you act quickly. It is meant to evoke intense  
emotion because it is there to ensure survival in situations that can  
be life-threatening. In our Psychological Mind it is the Chimp that  
works with the FFF response and offers this to the Human.  
Quickly choosing the right response is critical to survival. If you  
choose to fight when you should have run then you wouldn’t survive.  
Fight is taking on the threat; Flight is running away from the threat;  
Freeze is keeping still and hoping the threat will go away and you  
won’t be noticed. Freeze can also be interpreted as avoiding, siding  
with or giving in to the threat in the hope that it won’t be too  
damaging.  
Which one of the responses the Chimp chooses depends on how  
vulnerable the Chimp feels. So most Chimps will choose Flight and  
run away whenever they can or they choose Freeze to avoid any  
conflict.  
In the jungle, a chimpanzee’s FFF instinct is a successful survival  
response. The problem for us, as humans, is that your inner Chimp  
still believes it is in the jungle and it tries to use this in everyday life.  
The use of the FFF mechanism is not always appropriate in modern-  
day society.  
For example, when we have to walk into a room full of strangers,  
many of our Chimps start to go into Flight mode and want to get out.  
Some go into Freeze mode and try to remain unnoticed, whilst  
others may take on the Fight mode and try to establish their  
presence. These responses occur because our Chimp has sent a  
message saying, ‘I feel under threat and need to do something.’  
Occasionally these responses become intense and cause us gross  
anxiety. In order to calm the Chimp, the Human needs to speak to it  
and use logic to reassure the Chimp. Some people’s Chimps don’t  
perceive any threat and therefore they have little, if any, reaction.  
If your Chimp is trying to tell you to react to a situation, and you  
don’t respond in some way by choosing one of the FFF options  
reassuring the Chimp, then your body will naturally release  
adrenalin. When this adrenalin is coupled with negative thoughts  
your Chimp will go into an anxiety state. Anxiety in this example is  
nature’s way of prompting us to make a decision when under threat.  
Anxiety typically occurs when you don’t make a decision. It is a  
perfectly natural response from your Chimp showing that it is  
healthy. The answer therefore is to make a decision or reassure the  
Chimp!  
Nature throws in anxiety as a means of forcing the Chimp to make a decision  
As FFF is about survival the intensity of emotion is massive and  
typically out of proportion to the event. For example, if you have to  
give a public speech, you may experience gut-wrenching feelings  
and gross anxiety as the moment approaches. This is because the  
Chimp has gone into FFF because it senses danger and is saying to  
you that this is a matter of life and death and you need to run away.  
Therefore, by thinking emotionally, it has a catastrophic reaction in  
order to make you safe; the reality is that it is not life and death but  
the Chimp does not know this. So when you are about to get up and  
speak, the Chimp, for many of us, is typically going hysterical and  
saying, ‘What are you doing? This is a terrible danger and you are  
walking straight into it. You may lose your life.’ If you, the Human, try  
to reassure the Chimp then it still comes back at you with, ‘What if I  
look stupid?’, ‘What if I make a mistake?’, ‘What if it goes wrong?’  
And so it continues. The Human, by contrast, is saying, ‘This is just a  
speech,’ ‘I can deal with criticism,’ ‘I can only do my best,’ ‘Stop  
overreacting and stop getting things out of perspective,’ and so on.  
With these examples, we can begin to appreciate the struggle for  
thinking between the Chimp and the Human.  
Drives  
Apart from instincts, the Chimp has strong drives. A drive is  
something that compels us to get up and do something. If we didn’t  
have drives we would just sit around and do nothing. Drives fulfil  
needs that we have, both physical and emotional.  
The Chimp has powerful drives such as sex, dominance, food,  
security, parental, territorial and the search for a troop. The purpose  
of these drives is to perpetuate the species. Like instincts, drives are  
in-built, they are there from birth, but they don’t require a trigger or  
stimulus. As drives are necessary for survival, their compelling  
nature makes them difficult to resist. For example, the drive to eat is  
extremely powerful and your Chimp will probably gorge itself if food  
is available because there may be no guarantee when the next meal  
will be. Again, the Human within you will be saying that one  
doughnut is fine whereas the Chimp will crave as many as it can eat  
before it feels full, leaving the Human to pick up the guilt!  
Arguably, female chimpanzees are more prone to having stronger  
feeding drives than males, possibly because they are normally  
pregnant or nursing a youngster. They therefore need to eat heavily  
in order to do this. A developing youngster within the womb can  
drain the mother’s physical resources and she needs to replace  
these quickly. In nature, the normal state for a female is to be  
pregnant or to be nursing and therefore it would be no surprise if the  
eating drive were to be powerful. The inner Chimp’s drive for food is  
very healthy and normal. However, we are not in the jungle but in a  
society and the strength of the eating drive becomes inappropriate. It  
therefore needs to be contained and managed carefully. Many  
people, men and women alike, suffer horrendously trying to manage  
their Chimp’s eating habits and it can cause terrible distress with  
weight control problems. If the Human understands the  
consequences of overeating and being overweight but is happy with  
this, then there is no problem between Human and Chimp. When the  
two disagree there are significant inner battles taking place.  
Drives have to be strong in order to keep the species going and  
the individual alive, so they have strong reward pathways in the brain  
to enforce them. These pathways release chemicals that usually  
have a good or compelling feeling attached to them and this makes  
the individual want to repeat the behaviour. Hence eating food is a  
pleasurable experience that is not only part of a primitive drive to  
survive but is also an addictive habit.  
When we begin to look at how drives impact on our day-to-day lives  
we can see why there is a clash for power between the Human and  
the Chimp.  
Vulnerable stance  
In the jungle, the chimpanzee is not at the top of the food chain so it  
needs to keep constant vigilance: there are always leopards about. It  
is aware that it is potentially in danger at any moment, therefore it  
relaxes only when it is fairly sure that it is safe; almost always when  
it is among the troop. As it is constantly looking for any danger it is  
frequently on edge, gets easily upset or aggressive and is typically  
emotionally unstable.  
This helps to explain why most inner Chimps become anxious  
when they are unsure or in unfamiliar territory. It is a very natural  
reaction from their Chimp, warning them of potential danger. It is,  
however, inappropriate and unhelpful most of the time. It also helps  
to explain why many people search out hidden meanings from things  
that are said to them because their Chimps are searching for  
potential threat. The Chimp is insecure by nature.  
Male and female Chimps  
We could say there are two different types of Chimp, male and  
female. Both of these emotional machines within us have drives and  
instincts. However, they serve different roles in the male and female  
and therefore the emphasis on the drives is different and they do not  
function in exactly the same way, physically or psychologically within  
the brain. Every Chimp is unique but to help understand the Chimp  
we will make generalisations about the typical male and female  
Chimps.  
It is important to note that although male and female Chimps  
differ considerably, male and female Humans do NOT differ very  
much at all. There is also a great overlap between the  
characteristics of the male and female Chimps.  
This section is not written to offend but is based on physical and  
physiological differences found in the brains of men and women. For  
example, in men the right amygdala (an emotional centre in the  
brain) has more right-sided brain connections. Whereas in women  
the left amygdala has more left-sided brain connections. This helps  
us to understand where a lot of our emotions come from. It is also to  
help a significant number of people to appreciate that many of the  
emotional features within themselves that they may not like are not  
coming from them but being imposed on them by their Chimp.  
If we think of the purpose of the female and male in the jungle it  
then becomes apparent why specific drives and instincts need  
different emphases.  
In nature the male chimpanzee must be muscled up and strong  
and he must impress the female and the troop to give them security.  
He will walk the boundaries of the territory that he must protect every  
day, with only the males from his troop.  
The female chimpanzee is only half his size and is no match for  
his strength; however, she can be strong and aggressive if the need  
arises. This means that she must be wary of the male and be very  
good at weighing up his mood and anticipating his actions. In other  
words, she can read body language extremely well. She needs to do  
this to protect herself.  
The male chimpanzee must be driven sexually, otherwise, if he is  
indifferent, the species will fail. He can be good or bad as a father.  
He will, however, see the female as his property and ward off other  
males.  
The female must have a strong maternal drive and stay close to  
the male if she is to get his genes and fulfil her maternal drive. By  
staying close to the male she will remain safer from predators, as he  
is physically stronger. He will remain with her to obtain sexual  
gratification.  
The female chimpanzee has an amazingly powerful maternal  
drive; otherwise the young would not survive. She will protect her  
young to the death if need be. She also has a strong nesting instinct  
to provide shelter for the young. If you think about it, a female  
chimpanzee that is highly insecure is the one that is most likely to  
survive and be vigilant enough for their offspring to survive. A  
confident female chimpanzee is probably not going to make it!  
It seems reasonable then that female inner Chimps are frequently  
lacking in confidence and wary. They can be quick to become  
anxious and therefore avoid decision-making for fear of getting it  
wrong.  
Some women complain bitterly that they find decision-making  
difficult, even just choosing what to wear. They then beat themselves  
up because they don’t like this aspect about themselves. In reality it  
is not an aspect of them at all, it is merely an out-of-control Chimp  
that they can learn to manage. The woman is easily capable of  
making decisions; her emotional Chimp is just hijacking her.  
The reason that I mention this is that, over the years, I have met  
many distressed women who seek help to understand why they lack  
the confidence to make decisions or constantly put themselves  
down. I am hoping that by understanding the inner Chimp they will  
come to realise that these features are not coming from them but  
from their Chimp. It is natural for the inner Chimp to be uncertain but  
it’s very destructive for the woman, and clearly there are men also  
who suffer similarly. The Chimp needs managing so that the  
individual can be free from these influences.  
Key Point  
The Human male and Human female are extremely similar but  
are being influenced by the inner Chimp, which is more  
typically male or female in character.  
Hormones enforce these differing roles by boosting the genes and  
systems within the brain. Men and women both have levels of  
oestrogen and testosterone. The main female hormone, oestrogen,  
functions to promote maternal drives, nesting instinct and passivity.  
The main male hormone, testosterone, gives a high sex drive,  
aggression and builds muscle. Many years ago, before the practice  
became illegal, male prisoners were given oestrogen, which calmed  
them down and made them more passive. The oestrogen given may  
have calmed them down but had some odd side effects.  
Understandably, breast development is not usually welcome in  
males!  
Different emphasis rather than male and female?  
So the differences between male and female inner Chimps are  
based on the roles that they play in perpetuating the species and in  
looking after themselves, along with the hormones that fuel these  
drives. The drives and instincts are different in that they are given  
different emphases but there is a great deal of overlap. It would be  
wrong to say that certain characteristics are male and certain female  
but rather that some characteristics are found more frequently in  
females than in males and vice versa. There are therefore no  
specific characteristics that are purely male or purely female. Also,  
therefore, it would imply that there is not a feminine side to men or a  
masculine side to women, there are just characteristics.  
Understanding the Human – the Humanity Centre  
The Humanity Centre is based on ethics and morals and is the part  
of the brain in the Human that lights up on a brain scanner when we  
show the characteristics of what it takes to live in a society. So, for  
example, when people show empathy or guilt this Centre will light up  
because it receives an increased blood supply and uses more  
oxygen to function. This demonstrates that it is activated. This  
Centre contains the unwritten rules of Humanity.  
Here are some of the operational features of the  
Humanity Centre  
It has to be said that not all Humans possess these qualities, as  
some Humans are inherently unpleasant and dishonest. However,  
generally the Humanity Centre gives the potential for these qualities  
to emerge.  
Honesty  
Being honest and showing integrity is necessary for a society to  
work. Humans show sincerity and truthfulness in varying degrees,  
along with loyalty and reliability.  
Compassion  
The basis of society is compassion. An empathy and understanding  
of what others are going through and altruistic, selfless support for  
them are the hallmarks of a developed society. How human society  
treats its most vulnerable members sets us apart from most animal  
societies.  
Conscience  
Having a conscience is a cornerstone for a Human. Without a  
conscience, we lack remorse and fail to develop ourselves. The  
presence of a conscience gives rise to feelings of guilt and shame,  
which can lead to regret and the desire to change or to make  
recompense. Interestingly, much research has been done on the  
personality generally known as the psychopath. There is a  
substantial body of scientific evidence to show that the psychopathic  
individual does not demonstrate the activation, or possibly lacks the  
presence, of the Humanity Centre. The individual therefore  
effectively has no conscience.  
Law-abiding  
Societies have laws, whether they are written and stated or whether  
they are unwritten but acted out. Humans are law-abiding and accept  
responsibility and accountability for their actions, but in varying  
degrees. You cannot blame the Chimp for causing all of your  
problems. Sometimes it is the Human that rationally decides to break  
the rules and stifle its conscience.  
Self-control  
Self-control is probably the biggest factor that marks us out from the  
chimpanzee. The real chimpanzee works on impulse and lacks  
emotional control. These two factors are arguably the two main  
factors that keep a real chimpanzee in the jungle. Humans have the  
potential to control impulse and emotion that the inner Chimp is  
throwing at them. The inner Chimp has little self-control and  
demands immediate gratification whereas Humans can delay  
rewards and can choose not to work with impulse and emotion.  
This factor is graphically demonstrated in the ‘Stanford  
Marshmallow’ experiment. This experiment on pre-school children  
has been replicated in various forms and consistent results found. In  
essence, children were offered a marshmallow to eat but told that if  
they waited they would receive more marshmallows at a later time.  
The children who delayed eating the marshmallow were found to be  
more successful in later life and those who could not control their  
impulse for immediate gratification were less successful.  
Key Point  
Managing your impulsive, emotional Chimp as an adult will be  
one of the biggest factors determining how successful you are  
in life.  
Sense of purpose  
Humans work best when they have a sense of purpose. It doesn’t  
seem to matter what it is, as long as there is one! Without a sense of  
purpose the Human lacks direction and meaning to life.  
Achievement and satisfaction  
These are two qualities that the Human seems to be fulfilled by.  
Generally, achievement and satisfaction are dependent on the sense  
of purpose. They can come from a career, work or leisure activities.  
Two different personalities  
We will look at your personality, and how it can be changed, in  
greater detail later in the book once we have a full picture of the  
entire psychological mind. Here I just want to remind you that there  
are two distinct personalities in your head: you and your Chimp.  
They operate via two different brains, which are trying to work  
together. They may have similar personalities or they may be very  
different. If one of them gets control of the decision-making then this  
personality will dominate and this is what you will present to the  
outside world.  
Recognising the two different personalities will help you to  
understand yourself better and also to manage each of them to get  
the best out of both. Most people can recognise that when they are  
not emotional but calm, they think and behave quite differently to  
when they are emotional and under stress.  
Summary key points  
You, the Human, have a personality, agenda and Humanity Centre.  
You think logically and work with facts and truth.  
Your Chimp has a personality, agenda and Jungle Centre. It thinks  
emotionally and uses impressions and feelings.  
• The Chimp is an emotional machine that will hijack you, if you allow  
it to. It is not good or bad: it is a Chimp. It can be your best friend or  
your worst enemy. This is The Chimp Paradox.  
Suggested exercise:  
Learning to understand yourself and your Chimp  
Choosing the Chimp or the Human  
In order to implement changes in your life it is important to  
recognise the differences between the Chimp and the Human,  
in terms of agendas, thinking and operating methods. Look  
back at situations that have happened during your day and  
revisit them and work out the different ways that the Chimp and  
Human could have handled them.  
Emotional or logical thinking?  
For example, consider a common scenario where someone  
may have said something that disturbed or troubled you and  
how you responded to it. If you later thought that your response  
was unhelpful, think through how the Chimp responded and  
then think through how the Human could have responded.  
Remember that the Human will choose to establish the facts  
and then gain perspective before reacting. Relate the way your  
Chimp reacted to typical Chimp operating and then consider  
how a Human response would have been more appropriate.  
Use this chapter as a reference to compare the modes of  
thinking.  
Time spent thinking  
The amount of time you spend reflecting on how your mind is  
operating, the more likely it is that you will improve your future  
functioning.  
Chapter 3  
The Divided Planet  
(PART 2)  
How to manage your Chimp  
NOW THAT YOU have an understanding of the two different beings in  
your head and how they operate, you can start working with them.  
You can begin by using a three-step process:  
1. Recognise who is in charge: the Human or the Chimp.  
2. Understand the rules of how the brain works and ACCEPT these.  
3. Nurture and manage your Chimp to get the best results for you.  
Step 1: How to recognise who is in charge  
The first step is to be able to recognise who is in control, the Chimp  
or the Human. You can ask a very simple question that will give you  
an easy way of recognising who is in charge.  
Key Point  
The golden rule is that whenever you have feelings, thoughts or  
behaviours that you do not want or welcome, then you are  
being hijacked by your Chimp.  
The very simple question, therefore, is to begin with ‘Do I want…’  
and then finish the sentence. For example: ‘Do I want these  
feelings?’ or ‘Do I want these thoughts?’ or ‘Do I want to be behaving  
 
this way?’ If the answer is ‘no’ then you are in Chimp mode and if the  
answer is ‘yes’ then you are in Human mode.  
Here are some examples:  
You are worrying about something. You ask yourself, ‘Do I want to  
worry?’ If the answer is ‘no’ then it is not you worrying but your  
Chimp. You now have a choice to manage your Chimp and stop it  
hijacking you.  
• Something has happened to make you angry. You may agree that  
an injustice has been done and therefore your Human agrees with  
the Chimp. You want to do something about it but you don’t want to  
be angry, as it is an emotion that is upsetting and unpleasant for  
you. Therefore you ask, ‘Do I want to have this angry emotion?’ If  
the answer is ‘no’ then it is your Chimp who is feeling this way. You  
can now thank the Chimp for the emotion but let it know that you do  
not want to feel this way. However, you will be taking action to  
address the situation that caused your Chimp to be angry but will  
act via the Human in a calm manner.  
You want to do something but you have feelings that are stopping  
you. Here the Chimp could just be refusing to engage. For example,  
you may want to catch up on emails or get some work done and the  
Chimp is giving you negative thoughts or emotions that are  
demotivating you. You ask, ‘Do I want these indifferent and negative  
feelings?’ The answer is ‘no’, therefore you recognise that they do  
not belong to you, the Human, and can now manage the Chimp to  
get rid of them.  
Everyone is different, so what is right for one person may not be right  
for the next. There are no right or wrong answers. Only you can  
learn to recognise the difference between your Chimp and your self  
but you need to learn to do this, as it is critical if you are going to  
manage your Chimp.  
Some typical Chimp thinking  
There are some typical Chimp phrases worth watching out for that  
will give away when it is thinking for you.  
‘But what if…?’  
‘But what if…?’ is the Chimp’s favourite way to open a question.  
‘But what if it goes wrong?’  
‘But what if I can’t do it?’  
‘But what if the sky falls down?’  
The Chimp very often unsettles you with ‘what if’ questions.  
Occasionally the Human asks ‘what if’ questions but these are  
usually constructive in order to plan rather than useless worrying  
about things that often can’t be controlled or may not even happen.  
‘But I feel…’ or ‘But I don’t feel…’  
‘But I feel tired so I won’t do it.’  
‘But I feel lacking in motivation therefore I can’t start.’  
‘But I feel concerned that bad things might happen.’  
The list is endless. Basically the Chimp is going on its feelings  
and then suggesting how you should act or what will happen  
because of those feelings. Again, the Human may agree with the  
feelings that the Chimp is offering when they are logical and wise.  
For example, if you have come down with a flu bug then it is  
probably wise to say, ‘But I feel unwell so I had better not start  
digging the garden.’  
Key Point  
Remember that Chimps like to go on how they feel to decide on  
future actions, whereas Humans tend to go on what needs to  
be done and also how they will feel at the end of the day when  
they look back on how they used their time. These are two very  
different approaches.  
Step 2: Understanding the fixed process of how  
the brain receives information  
All information goes to the Chimp first  
The process is always the same as you go about your daily routines:  
in every situation and action, all input goes to the Chimp first. The  
Chimp then decides if there is anything to worry about. If there is no  
concern then the Chimp goes to sleep and hands over to the  
Human. If the Chimp is concerned, then it will hold on to the blood  
supply in the brain and will make its own decisions on what is going  
on.  
The Human and the Chimp both think in the here and now and both  
interpret situations as they happen. The Human interprets things in a  
calm and logical manner. The Chimp interprets things in an  
emotional manner.  
The Chimp and the Human can work effectively together. The  
Chimp with its instincts and drives can keep us safe and healthy. It  
can tell us when to eat and sleep, and warn us of danger and how to  
deal with it, or when there is something it would like to engage with  
to fulfil its own desires. It is the norm for most of us to run on emotion  
throughout our day and there is nothing wrong with this. Problems  
arise when the Chimp gives us a suggestion that is not appropriate  
and we then allow it to control us and don’t know how to stop the  
Chimp from dominating us.  
Why can’t we take the power off the Chimp and  
make decisions?  
The simple answer is that the Chimp is more powerful and acts more  
quickly than the Human. A real chimpanzee has five times the  
strength of a human. In the same way, you can think of your  
emotional inner Chimp as having five times your strength. Therefore,  
you must learn to manage the Chimp if you are to be the person that  
you want to be.  
It is no use trying to control a Chimp with willpower. I call this  
‘arm-wrestling the Chimp’. We all learn at about the age of three that  
willpower is not a very good way to do most things. It only works  
when the Chimp is asleep, indifferent or agrees. When the Chimp  
has a different agenda then willpower goes out of the window. So we  
must learn different ways to deal with the Chimp.  
Key Point  
Willpower is not a good way to try and manage your Chimp –  
don’t arm-wrestle the Chimp!  
So when you go about your daily routine the Chimp continually  
scans for danger and if it perceives any threat, or gets worried or  
concerned, then it refuses to release control of your thinking. It now  
works with emotion to deal with the situation. You, the Human, can  
recognise this but are often powerless to do anything because your  
Chimp hijacks you and you are left with unpleasant emotions. We  
can see this happen on a brain scanner with the blood supply being  
used by the Chimp and the Human trying to get control. The inner  
battle between Chimp and Human is on! The Chimp is five times as  
strong as the Human so the Human has no chance if it is just a battle  
of strength.  
Key Point  
A chimpanzee is five times as strong as a human being.  
Similarly, your emotional Chimp is five times stronger than you  
are. Don’t try to control it, manage it. You need a management  
plan!  
Amy’s road rage  
Let’s look at a common example of how the Chimp overrides the  
Human, even when the Human is present and trying to function. This  
example involves road rage.  
Amy is driving to work in a car and another driver cuts in front of  
her. Her two thinking brains (Human and Chimp) now go into action.  
The Human is saying, ‘How ridiculous, I feel sorry for people who  
behave like that, it doesn’t reflect on me and the best thing to do is  
just forget it, it’s not important to me.’  
However, the Chimp within her is saying, ‘I am outraged, that man  
has just belittled me and I am angry. He needs teaching a lesson,  
this is all about him trying to be bigger than me, I am going to win  
this battle, he is not going to get away with it. I am going to let him  
know that I am angry, I am going to get back at him.’  
If the Human doesn’t know how to manage the Chimp, the Chimp  
now takes over. The Chimp pushes the accelerator pedal and drives  
as close as possible to the back of the enemy Chimp and hassles  
him. The enemy Chimp recognises what is happening and gestures  
back. The Chimp battle is in full swing. This goes on for several  
miles until the enemy Chimp turns off and ‘waves’ goodbye. Amy’s  
Chimp is now even more agitated and irritated when she turns up for  
work. It takes her several hours to get over it. The Chimp keeps  
wittering on about the incident and how it makes her upset and  
angry. On the drive home her Chimp is waiting for someone else to  
do it again and woe to him or her if they do!  
That night Amy meets up with a friend and tells her what  
happened. The friend says, ‘Why don’t you just let it go?’  
As Amy’s Chimp has tired itself out the Human in Amy can finally  
get some control of the situation. As her Chimp is now sleeping, Amy  
responds in a more logical manner, and her Human says: ‘I know it’s  
really stupid; I don’t know why I get so uptight. At times I hate myself  
for being so out of control.’  
If Amy doesn’t understand how her mind works she ends up beating  
herself up and feeling bad about it. If she understands how her mind  
works then we have a very different scenario and interpretation.  
What really happened, and how it could have been interpreted more  
accurately, is as follows.  
Amy’s road rage revisited  
Amy and her Chimp are driving along. The enemy Chimp cuts in  
front of her. Amy is calm and accepts it is no big deal, irritating as it  
is. Amy says to herself: ‘I will ignore this, as there is no point in  
getting upset over a Chimp in front of me.’ However, as we have  
seen, the Chimp within Amy immediately wakes up and goes into  
screech mode.  
What Amy could have done at this point is to talk to her Chimp,  
calm the Chimp down and then go on her way. However, she didn’t  
know how to do this. (We will be looking at managing the Chimp later  
on in detail.) Amy could have dealt with the Chimp at work and again  
with her friend if she knew how to do it. When the Chimp did finally  
settle by becoming exhausted, the blood supply in the brain moved  
from the Chimp to the Human.  
Amy then could have interpreted the situation differently and  
explained how frustrating it is trying to manage an ill-mannered  
Chimp who keeps hijacking her and taking her places that she  
doesn’t want to go. She could also say how especially irritating it is  
to experience the emotions her Chimp kept offering all the way  
through the morning, following the incident. Amy could then say: ‘I  
need to practise my Chimp training.’ She could smile and not beat  
herself up, even though the Chimp is whispering in her ear: ‘You are  
just an out-of-control person and everyone can see that.’ Instead  
Amy could say, ‘I am sorry that my Chimp got the better of me but I  
will continue to learn how to manage it and things will improve but I  
am certainly not going to beat myself up.’  
The inner battle: the clash and struggle for power  
between the Human and the Chimp  
Either you or your Chimp will make the decisions in your life. If you  
both agree then there will be peace. When you don’t agree with the  
Chimp, then it typically attacks you and the attack can be emotionally  
very painful. Managing this struggle is critical to happiness and  
success.  
The basic way that your emotions work is that the Chimp  
interprets what is happening and then offers the Human an emotion  
and a suggestion of how to deal with the situation. The Human then  
makes the decision on whether to accept the Chimp’s offer or reject  
it.  
If the Human agrees with the Chimp’s offer and accepts, then  
there is no problem and we act on our emotions. However, if the  
Human decides to reject the Chimp’s offer then we have a problem  
because the Chimp is very likely to kick off and refuse to behave. It  
will then create havoc emotionally until either it gets its way and  
hijacks us or until we learn how to manage the emotion without  
acting on it.  
Part of the problem is that most people don’t realise that the  
Chimp is merely making an offer and not a command. You do not  
have to follow your emotions; you have a choice.  
The taxi driver and the Chimp  
Suppose you have set off too late to get to the train station and you  
could miss the train. You have taken a taxi to try to get there as  
quickly as you can. The taxi driver drives sensibly and takes his time  
at junctions. You are sitting in the back of the taxi watching this. The  
Human in you will be saying, ‘The taxi driver is driving sensibly, if I  
don’t get there on time it is nobody’s fault but my own. I am the one  
who left it too late and I will have to deal with the consequences.’ So  
the Human relaxes and says, ‘It’s not the end of the world.’  
The Chimp, however, is having none of this. It gets very angry  
when the taxi driver slows down at the junctions and starts to criticise  
what is happening and may start making comments. It may even go  
as far as getting annoyed with the taxi driver and blaming him.  
In your head the two of you are now battling for control. The  
Human will decide who wins but only if it knows what to do. If the  
Human has the skill then it can calm the Chimp down and deal with  
the situation. If the Human hasn’t got the skill then the Chimp will  
take over and the Human may feel upset by the way the Chimp  
acted.  
Coffee and cake  
Imagine that you are going for a coffee with a friend and the friend  
says, ‘Would you like a piece of cake with your coffee?’ If you are  
trying to watch your weight then the Human will answer, ‘No, thanks.’  
However, if you happen to like the cake, then the Chimp will answer,  
Yes, please.’ Who will actually answer then, the Human or the  
Chimp?  
Typically the Chimp will answer and the Chimp will then use  
emotional thinking with rationalisation to justify its decision. ‘It is only  
a piece of cake,’ and ‘I want to be happy,’ and ‘It’s ridiculous not to  
eat what you like.’ In fact it can have a million excuses. What  
happens is that you eat the cake and then either try to numb your  
conscience or about thirty minutes later feel awful and become  
perplexed as to why you ate the cake in the first place. Your Chimp  
hijacked you. You didn’t say, ‘Yes, I want cake,’ the Chimp did. The  
Chimp gets away with it and it is the Human who picks up the guilt  
and frustration. Of course you might actually agree to eat the cake,  
so you and the Chimp are happy and then there is no problem.  
However, if you were hijacked then we have a problem involving  
Chimp Management.  
Sex and the roaming Chimp  
Sometimes the Chimp’s drives land us in big trouble. Eating a piece  
of cake is one thing; involving yourself in an affair is a much more  
serious problem. In this case there is the potential for lots of people  
to get hurt.  
Many people have Humans that are determined to be faithful and  
monogamous. However, their Chimps have a different agenda with a  
powerful sex drive and this frequently takes them in search of  
encounters. Recognising and dealing with seriously powerful drives  
such as this is a skill and one that takes effort. We will look at this  
under Chimp Management.  
Your Chimp – YOUR Responsibility AND ACCOUNTABILITY!  
Remember: you can’t use your Chimp as an excuse. If you had a  
dog and it bit someone, you couldn’t just say, ‘Sorry but it was the  
dog, not me.’ You are responsible for the dog and its actions.  
Likewise, you are totally responsible for your Chimp and its actions.  
So no excuses! You cannot say, ‘Well, sorry, but it was just my  
Chimp so how can I be to blame?’ or ‘Oh well, I said and did some  
terrible things, therefore it was my Chimp so don’t blame me.’ You  
have a responsibility to manage your Chimp. You can work on  
managing the Chimp so that you can stop it making you feel bad and  
also harming others. Chimp Management is a skill and takes time  
and you may need help from someone who knows how to help you  
to deal with your emotions and impulses. There is little excuse for  
not taking responsibility, by helping yourself or getting help.  
Key Point  
You can’t change the nature of your Chimp BUT you are  
responsible for managing it.  
Step 3: How to manage the Chimp and develop  
the Human  
The Chimp’s drives won’t change but its  
behaviours can  
A crucial step in Mind Management is accepting that your Chimp’s  
fundamental drives do not change. You can’t change the nature of  
the Chimp that you are working with. It is an emotional machine that  
is never going to be programmed differently. Your Chimp will always  
act on drives and according to its nature, with emotions and actions  
such as aggression, neurosis or impulsivity.  
With the eating drive, for example, you have to accept the Chimp  
wants to eat and you are always going to have that drive and  
associated emotions. It is not about trying to remove the drive or  
battle with it using willpower. It is about accepting and working with  
the drive. This can be done by smiling, relaxing and employing  
Chimp Management. You can then use the drive as you want to and  
not how the Chimp wants to.  
So rather than trying to change the Chimp you need to manage  
its emotions and impulses by recognising what it needs and how it  
works. This means you may always experience thoughts and  
feelings from the Chimp that you don’t welcome. Your Chimp will  
mature and it will learn some basic behaviours but its drives remain  
the same.  
Nurturing before managing  
There are two aspects to working with the Chimp: nurturing the  
Chimp and managing the Chimp, and they have to be addressed in  
that order.  
Calmer and happier  
This is a really important point so please think carefully about it. If  
you have a Chimp that is well looked after by being nurtured and  
having all its needs met, then it is very likely that this happy little  
animal will not cause you any trouble. This makes managing it very  
easy. If you do not look after your Chimp then it is very likely that it  
will kick off at any time and cause you a lot of pain. Nurturing and  
managing the Chimp is an emotional skill, and will take time and  
commitment to develop and maintain it.  
Nurturing the Chimp  
If you meet the needs of the Chimp first then the Chimp is in a  
position where you can talk to it and it will listen. For example, if your  
Chimp is insecure, you need to make it feel secure so that it is in a  
position to be managed. If you have an aggressive and dominating  
Chimp, doing something simple like playing a sport can be a socially  
acceptable way to fulfil this primitive drive of dominance behaviour.  
The main drives and needs of the Chimp are unique to your  
Chimp but for most Chimps these are a combination of power,  
territory, ego, dominance, sex, food, troop, security, inquisitiveness  
and parental drives. These are common examples, so let’s look at a  
couple of them.  
Territorial drives  
Chimpanzees like to have their own clearly delineated territory as it  
gives them the security of food, knowledge and familiarity of the  
area. This knowledge will help reduce the potential for predators to  
hide and catch the chimpanzee unawares. So chimpanzees that  
have their own territory will feel more secure and relaxed.  
Our inner Chimp no longer has a jungle area to live in but will  
search out the equivalent in our society. We can have territorial  
instincts that are applied to our homes or gardens. The fight between  
neighbours over conifer hedging or even disputes over as little as six  
inches of driveway can be lethal. There are plenty of documented  
cases where this dispute results in the death of one of the  
neighbours. So severe is this drive to establish our territory that our  
Chimps will engage quickly to protect it and when uncontrolled this  
drive can result in disasters.  
The territorial drive doesn’t have to be just at home or physical. It  
can be at work too, and psychological. Chimps get frustrated if they  
feel that others are encroaching on their area of responsibility, such  
as a job role. At the most primitive level, experiments have shown  
that we can even get upset or feel encroached upon by someone  
just sitting at a table with us. An experiment had two people sitting at  
either side of the table and then one would deliberately move their  
belongings so that they were over the invisible halfway mark in the  
middle of the table. The second person, who was not aware of the  
nature of the experiment, would show signs of agitation that this  
person was invading their area. Clearly there are no lines drawn onto  
the table but our Chimps instinctively draw them up for us. The  
Chimp also receives support from the Human by the laws of  
etiquette, where the unwritten law is that everyone should have  
equal amounts of the table. Therefore the Chimp, with possible  
Human support, will become agitated and potentially react.  
The territorial drive is strong in both male and female Chimps,  
though male Chimps tend to fight boundaries, whereas female  
Chimps tend to defend the ‘nest’. These instincts are very strong in  
order to perpetuate the species so it is no surprise that we deal with  
them on a daily basis. They may be subtly disguised but with a bit of  
thinking you can learn to recognise them.  
The territorial instinct can still be applicable in today’s world and it  
is not good or bad. What you have to decide is whether you need to  
apply this instinct or whether it is not applicable to the situation or out  
of perspective. Once you have recognised the need for the Chimp to  
have this territory then you can help the Chimp by establishing it in a  
civilised way. This way, the Chimp will be happy and you can get on  
without it pestering you. The important point is to recognise the  
Chimp’s needs and to look after it. Therefore, establishing a sensible  
territory for the Chimp that is compatible with the society in which we  
live is the way forward. Hence, establishing our homes and jobs is  
very reassuring to the Chimp.  
This is the method for fulfilling many of the Chimp drives. First:  
recognise that the drive is present and then find a solution that will  
make the Chimp feel fulfilled and happy in a way that is acceptable  
in the world in which you live.  
So if you recognise that your Chimp has territorial drives then you  
need to nurture the Chimp by providing it with some territory and  
space. This can be a room, a flat, a house, a job with a role that is  
clearly defined or even just psychological space by escaping from  
the world into a book. Whatever you choose should satisfy your  
Chimp and should be carried out. It is the Human who carries the  
actions out and not the Chimp!  
As an example of how to deal with territories, let’s look at your  
role at work. If your Chimp is telling you how insecure it feels  
because it does not know its role then it is your duty to go and  
establish this role with your line manager and make sure that you are  
happy and the Chimp is feeling settled. Otherwise the Chimp will  
become insecure and start acting out because you haven’t looked  
after it. Once you have established your territory at work then your  
Chimp will calm down and feel secure in its part of the jungle, as it  
sees it.  
Parental drives  
Parental drives are a mixture of drives and instincts. We could look  
at it as the desire and need to be a parent and the instinct to protect  
the offspring.  
How do people deal with these parental drives if they are not  
fulfilled? Sublimating the drive can fulfil it. Sublimating means  
constructively redirecting the energy and drive somewhere else.  
Some people will sublimate this drive by taking on professions that  
care for others, especially youngsters. Others may sublimate with  
pets; the dog is easily recognised as a classic substitute for a child.  
However, for some, the dog may represent another sublimated drive  
and is a status symbol; for others it may represent a companion.  
What is important for you is to recognise your own Chimp drives and  
to make sure that they are fulfilled in the way that you want them to  
be and to ensure that the sublimation is appropriate without you  
crossing boundaries.  
Praise and recognition in nurturing the Chimp  
An important point in nurturing the Chimp is to recognise the different  
ways that Chimps think compared to Humans when it comes to  
recognition and praise. Chimps are like children in that they look for  
external praise, whereas Humans are like adults and use internal  
praise and assess themselves. Of course, Humans can enjoy  
recognition and praise but they don’t generally look for it.  
Chimps like to have praise and recognition from the alpha Chimp  
(i.e., people they see as important). The Chimp isn’t wrong in  
wanting this, so although you as a Human do not need praise and  
recognition from others, your Chimp probably does, so do not let it  
down. In order to look after your Chimp you really should seek out  
praise from those whose opinion you respect or think is important.  
This will settle down your Chimp. The consequences of not politely  
asking for recognition and praise (where it is worth it, of course!) is  
that your Chimp will kick off and feel resentful and undervalued. This  
will typically lead to some negative emotional interactions. Nurture  
the Chimp and get the recognition that it needs by asking for  
constructive feedback from someone whose opinion you believe is  
important.  
Managing your Chimp  
Exercising the Chimp  
If your Chimp is agitated or upset about something, the first thing it  
has to do is to release this emotion or opinion. This is called  
‘Exercising the Chimp’. You must allow it to do this if it is to listen.  
Allowing the Chimp to express emotion will calm it down and then  
the Chimp will be able to listen to reason or just go to sleep.  
Expressing emotion means saying exactly what you think, no  
matter how irrational it may be and doing this for as long as it takes.  
Remember that the Chimp is irrational, so just let it express its  
feelings and then when it has finished let the Human select the  
sensible things that have been said and ignore the nonsense. Most  
Chimps will take less than ten minutes to express fears or emotions  
and then will go silent and listen. Occasionally they may need a  
second exercise.  
If you were going to exercise a real chimpanzee you would take it  
to a fenced compound and let it loose. You wouldn’t take it to your  
local supermarket and let it off the chain! Don’t exercise your Chimp  
in the supermarket!  
Letting your emotions be expressed inappropriately, in a public  
place, at the wrong time or in front of the wrong person is like letting  
your Chimp loose in a supermarket. Exercising your Chimp in a  
fenced compound is the equivalent of expressing your emotions in  
private with the right person. By the right person, I mean someone  
who recognises that this is just a Chimp letting go and not you.  
Therefore, you can say what you like and they will not react to  
whatever you say, get worried or repeat things. They recognise that  
it is just your Chimp, not you. The wrong person is someone who will  
interact with what your Chimp is saying, and that could make matters  
worse.  
When the Chimp has finished exercising you will feel better and  
can then allow your Chimp to go to sleep while you have a  
conversation that is Human and calm. If someone interrupts the  
Chimp while it is exercising, it is not likely to listen but will just get  
more agitated. So if you are listening to someone else’s Chimp then  
wait until it has finished exercising!  
Some people find it hard to express emotion and this can be  
helped by leaving them alone to do it or they might find it useful to  
write down their feelings. You can exercise your Chimp very  
successfully by yourself, but most Chimps want someone to hear  
what they have to say and to understand them and to console them  
or agree with an opinion. Expressing emotion doesn’t have to be  
shouting and screeching. It can be done effectively in a very calm  
way. The crucial point is to get things off your chest, and then be  
able to think them through and act on the legitimate points.  
Remember that the Chimp may have some very good points that it is  
unhappy with and these need to be taken forward by the Human.  
Boxing the Chimp  
Once the Chimp has finished exercising you then have a chance to  
deal with it in a more measured way. If we assume the Chimp has  
exercised enough and is now in a place to receive information, we  
can address its fears and concerns by speaking to it.  
Using facts, truth and logic we can continue to calm the Chimp  
down and reason with it. This reasoning by the Human is called  
‘Boxing the Chimp’.  
The misrepresentation of John  
Let’s look at a scenario involving an injustice, as this almost  
invariably would get most of our Chimps out.  
John is a foreman at a road repair site and has two men allocated  
to the job. He meets with the men and explains clearly what they  
have to do and emphasises that they must let him know if there are  
any problems, as the work must be finished that day. He then has to  
leave to oversee another project. When he returns some hours later,  
the two men have failed to do the work, have been sitting waiting for  
him to return and have not phoned him. John is agitated by this but  
says he will speak to his boss to let him know of the problem. When  
John phones his boss, John is horrified to learn that the boss called  
by and had already seen the two men and spoken with them. They  
told him that John had not left instructions or a contact number and  
they were therefore innocent and John was to blame. John’s boss  
refuses to listen to John and fires him. John learns later that one of  
the two workmen happens to be the nephew of his boss.  
If we now consider the reaction of both John and his Chimp to  
this situation we can work through how best to deal with this  
scenario. Clearly, John has fallen victim to an injustice. His Chimp  
will correctly interpret this situation as such and we might expect it to  
react with both anger and distress. This would be a reasonable  
response from the Chimp. John needs to first exercise the Chimp  
and get this injustice off his chest. He has tried to speak to his boss,  
who is not prepared to listen. He might decide to take this to  
arbitration and fight for his job and for compensation. The avenues  
open to him need exploring but not by his Chimp! He needs to get  
the emotion out by exercising his Chimp in a safe place. This might  
be with a friend or relative who can listen, understand and  
acknowledge the injustice. This will go some way to settling the  
Chimp. However, the Chimp may want revenge against the two men  
and also compensation. Compensation is again reasonable but  
might not happen. The Chimp needs boxing, so now it is the turn of  
the Human to think and plan.  
John boxes the Chimp  
The Human in John will need some facts and truths that will satisfy  
the Chimp in order to box it. The Human in John will acknowledge  
that, although it is uncomfortable, injustice happens and often  
doesn’t get put right. The fact is, it may be worth fighting your corner  
but there is a time when you need to recognise it is not going to work  
the way you want it to and you must cut your losses. It is a fact that  
life is not fair.  
John needs to talk to his Chimp and agree that there will be a  
limit on how much energy and time he is going to put into trying to  
get justice. He will confront his Chimp with the uncomfortable truths  
of life. The rational plans John makes will help the Chimp to accept  
the situation and to let go at the right time.  
If John does not come up with a solid, truthful answer based on  
fact then it is unlikely that the Chimp will settle. For example, if the  
Chimp wants revenge on the two men then John cannot say to the  
Chimp, ‘Just get over it, lots of people suffer like this.’ This answer is  
not very helpful as it is based partly on the truth and partly on a  
command or wish from John to his Chimp: ‘just get over it’. A better  
and logical answer might be, ‘There has been an injustice but this  
particular injustice may never be resolved and we need to set a limit  
on the efforts to resolve it.’ He can add other truths, such as, ‘It is not  
the end of the world if justice does not get served;’ ‘I am an adult and  
I can deal with this problem;’ ‘I do not have to remain upset if I  
choose not to be;’ ‘This event will soon be history and I will move on.’  
Clearly, John needs to find answers that will satisfy his Chimp  
and none of these answers might be powerful enough. What is  
definite is that to move on and box the Chimp he must find answers.  
Otherwise he will act on his Chimp feelings and find he gets nowhere  
and cause himself even further distress.  
Sometimes you can’t win. The importance here is to recognise  
this fact and to accept it. Then you can remind the Chimp about this.  
Remember that the Chimp is making an OFFER. You the Human  
have the CHOICE. You can either go with your emotions or you can  
refuse them and let the Chimp know that you want it to offer some  
more helpful emotions. It is not easy but at the end of the day there  
are many times when things in life will not go your way. Boxing the  
Chimp is therefore telling it truths that it will accept in order to calm  
it down.  
Andy’s visit to the dentist  
Another example of boxing the Chimp might help to drive home the  
concept of how to calm the Chimp. Let’s assume Andy is going to  
the dentist for a filling and he is very anxious about this and it is  
making him ill. He knows it’s silly because it’s only the dentist but this  
isn’t helping at all.  
First, Andy must recognise that it is his Chimp that is worrying  
and not him. His Chimp is acting naturally by being overanxious. He  
knows it is the Chimp because he answers the question, ‘Do I want  
these anxious feelings?’ with a simple ‘no’. Therefore we have a very  
anxious Chimp. What does Andy want? He says he wants to get this  
in perspective and to go to the dentist in a calm and positive state.  
So the Human is saying, ‘I want to be calm, it is only a filling.’ The  
Chimp is saying, ‘I can’t cope, I am terrified and I don’t want to go.’  
We now have a battle that is taking place between the Chimp and  
the Human.  
Andy exercises his Chimp  
In order for the Human to get what they want they must follow the  
procedure in the correct order. We begin by exercising the Chimp.  
Andy’s Chimp begins his exercise. He says:  
‘I am so stupid and this is pathetic. I can’t believe I am so afraid of  
a dentist. I know I am going to make a fool of myself. Why did I have  
to get a cavity in my tooth? If only I didn’t have this. Why do we have  
to need teeth anyway, why couldn’t we have something stronger?’  
The rambling gets more and more stupid but less and less  
powerful. After about ten minutes he stops and then we hear the  
Human saying, ‘I have had enough of this moaning.’ The Chimp is  
getting tired, if not exhausted. Please note that this rambling was  
very important to get the Chimp tired. If you suppress this rambling  
then it is less likely that you will be able to talk to the Chimp. So don’t  
hold back!  
Andy boxes his Chimp  
Now Andy can box the Chimp by talking to it using truth and logic.  
He might say the following to the Chimp:  
‘If you really don’t want to go then we won’t go, we can just stay  
with a hole in the tooth and deal with the inevitable problems from  
this. If we do go it may be painful to a certain extent. I agree with  
you.’  
(Sometimes it is right to agree with the Chimp if it is telling you  
the truth. There is no point in having ‘positive thinking’ if this is really  
just ignoring the truth. Let’s stick to reality thinking, which is more like  
it!)  
‘If we go and get the tooth fixed then it will all be over in about 30  
minutes and the benefits will be great. After it is over we will be  
happy again. The treatment and discomfort won’t last forever. Let’s  
get some perspective on this, we are having a tooth filled, it is not  
the end of the world. I actually want this done.’  
As you can see, there are many answers and truths that Andy  
can tell the Chimp. These truths will only settle the Chimp down if  
they are significant to it. Everyone needs to find the truths that are  
meaningful and powerful to their Chimp. So some truths will settle  
one person’s Chimp, whereas other Chimps will need different truths.  
Again, the important point for you is to find the truths that will settle  
your Chimp down and make it go into its box and sleep.  
If you do this well you will find that you are training your Chimp to  
understand there are rules for it to live by and that you, the Human,  
are making those rules. The Chimp will eventually start responding  
on a regular basis. At first it may refuse to cooperate and it may  
take several repeat episodes of exercising the Chimp for any  
one problem before you can box it. You may also need to keep  
putting the Chimp back into its box several times for any one  
problem but with practice and skill the Chimp will respond and finally  
the Human can manage the situation.  
Andy may find that his Chimp gets out of the box again and so he  
needs to be patient and go through the same procedure to put his  
Chimp back into the box.  
We never control the Chimp; we manage it. There is a difference.  
Remember that the Chimp is five times stronger than you; so do not  
use willpower to try to control it. It will defeat you in the long run.  
Instead manage the Chimp by exercising and boxing it.  
Key Point  
It may take several repeat episodes of exercising the Chimp for  
any one problem before you can box it. You may also need to  
keep putting the Chimp back into its box several times for any  
one problem.  
Do I always need to exercise my Chimp?  
Sometimes the Chimp does not need to be exercised and will go  
straight into the box with truth and logic. So don’t provoke the Chimp  
unnecessarily by making it exercise. Also, recall that the Chimp is  
irrational, which means that it may be unpredictable and sometimes  
get very anxious for no particular reason, while at other times it may  
be very calm, again for no particular reason. Don’t try to understand  
why this is so as the Chimp is not rational and in many cases is not  
understandable. Just deal with emotion rather than always trying to  
understand it.  
Dealing with emotional thinking by the Chimp  
The Chimp uses emotional thinking, which has traits such as  
jumping to conclusions, thinking in black and white and coming up  
with paranoid ideas. It is important to have a way of recognising  
when you are allowing the Chimp to think for you and then have a  
means to deal with it.  
The easiest way of recognising that the Chimp is thinking for you  
is when either you are becoming emotional or you are calm but have  
uneasy feelings. Remember that the Chimp offers you its feelings  
and then you have to decide what to do with them. If you can  
recognise that the Chimp is using emotional thinking then you can  
address it with some specific techniques. For example, if the Chimp  
is thinking in black-and-white terms, stop and ask yourself what the  
alternatives are or if there is any middle ground. It might be that you  
are in a difficult relationship and it is upsetting you greatly not  
knowing whether to continue in the relationship or not. This is never  
a good place to be and can devastate you emotionally. The Chimp is  
trying to solve this situation by thinking that it has to make a choice  
and the choices are clear: either I leave this person and it is all over,  
or I stay with them and try to make things work better. This dilemma  
and inability to decide is being offered to the Human, who needs to  
recognise that this is black-and-white thinking. The Human can now  
look for middle ground. Ask yourself if there is any alternative. One  
possibility is not to see the situation as needing a definite answer  
right now. This would mean you could, for example, have time out  
where both of you have time away from each other while you gather  
your thoughts so that you can see the picture more clearly. Time out  
is a compromise giving the Human within you a chance to talk to the  
Chimp and settle it down. It also gives the Chimp time to express  
itself and exercise so that it feels better.  
Paranoid thoughts can be dealt with by first recognising that you  
may have an overreacting Chimp offering you ideas that are too  
sensitive or imaginative. This often happens because the Chimp  
feels insecure and also hasn’t got the facts, so it fills in the missing  
gaps. As a first step you can let the Chimp express its paranoid  
thoughts and then see if they still feel real. If they do, then the  
Human can search out facts and evidence not only to support the  
idea (which the Chimp will agree with) but also to dispute the idea.  
Running this evidence past a friend can help to clarify things. Often  
when we talk things out a few times the picture becomes clearer.  
The most important thing is to establish the facts and this usually  
means approaching the person or people concerned to clarify what  
is happening in a constructive way. All too often when we have  
feelings of paranoia or persecution, they disappear rapidly when we  
ask the right questions in a neutral way and listen to the answers.  
Bananas  
A third way to manage the Chimp is to feed it bananas. These are  
things the Chimp wants that are given either as a distraction or a  
reward. So there are two types of banana: distractions and rewards.  
Feeding the Chimp bananas is not a very powerful way to solve  
problems but in some circumstances they can be a very effective  
way to manage the Chimp.  
The banana of distraction  
Here is an example of a distraction banana. Imagine you are finding  
it hard to get out of bed in the morning. The moment you wake up,  
your Chimp immediately starts the dialogue: ‘I can’t get up, it’s warm  
in here, I’m still tired, my body is heavy, just five more minutes…’  
The problem in this circumstance is that you are allowing your  
Chimp to think and this is not helping. In order to distract it you can  
override it by saying: ‘We don’t think before we are on our feet.’ So  
when the alarm goes off, immediately say firmly to the Chimp: ‘We  
don’t think, we just get up on the count of five… five, four, three, two,  
one and feet on the floor.’ If you prepare yourself the night before  
and go straight into this programme with a rapid countdown, you will  
be on your feet before the Chimp has the chance to discuss things  
with you. For this to work you must prevent the Chimp from thinking.  
So the distraction is by counting and moving at the same time. For  
example, on five you would immediately (without thinking) draw back  
the sheets, on four you would sit up on the edge of the bed (without  
allowing any thoughts), on three you would stand up, on two you  
would walk to the bathroom and on one you would congratulate  
yourself on doing what you wanted and keeping the Chimp occupied.  
This banana (which is a rapid pattern of actions that prevents  
thinking) keeps the Chimp from thinking but it must be activated  
quickly. Many people have used this banana with good effect to get  
out of bed in the mornings. Reasoning with the Chimp about getting  
out of bed generally doesn’t work. Blocking the Chimp from thinking  
can be used in a lot of different scenarios with good effect.  
The distraction banana can also be a way of occupying an  
agitated or impatient Chimp when you have to pass time waiting for  
something. Simple distractions such as reading a book or listening to  
music are often the most powerful.  
The banana of reward  
Giving rewards to your own Chimp can be surprisingly powerful. For  
example, suppose you have to write ten emails but can’t get started  
and want to have your coffee. If you say to your Chimp: ‘When you  
have written five emails you can have your coffee,’ it is not unusual  
for your Chimp to suddenly give you the incentive to start the emails.  
This ‘banana’ of having a cup of coffee at the end of the five emails  
will make the Chimp energised to get you to write the emails. The  
Chimp will make you focus powerfully on the task and will help and  
not hinder you. This may seem bizarrely irrational but then the  
Chimp is irrational and the technique usually works.  
Common bananas for most Chimps come in the form of praise or  
approval from other people. Most Chimps look for recognition and  
approval from others; therefore to put this in place, as a reward, can  
be very powerful. For example, your room at home needs painting  
and you know that you want to get it painted but are struggling to get  
started. You can reward the Chimp by phoning a friend and inviting  
them round to view the new paint work in your room. It is no surprise  
that the Chimp will jump up and make you paint the room because it  
wants the praise (and also because it doesn’t want to look bad in  
front of the friend).  
Bananas can be a useful way to manage your Chimp in the short  
term to get things done, or distract you from concerns, or allow you  
to have time out. They are generally not as powerful as boxing the  
Chimp because they don’t usually tackle the cause of the problem.  
Developing the Human  
In the battle and struggle for power between the Human and the  
Chimp on the Divided Planet you mustn’t forget yourself. You are a  
separate entity to your Chimp. You as a Human have needs just as  
the Chimp within you has needs. The Human needs could be worked  
out by looking at the characteristic features of the Human within. So  
we expect Human fulfilment by constructive accomplishments, such  
as hobbies and interests that are not crucial to survival but bring us  
satisfaction and a richness to our lives.  
Key Point  
Chimps like to survive; Humans like to have a purpose.  
When we have a sense of purpose in life it brings with it a sense of  
meaning and this in turn leads to achievement, satisfaction and well-  
being. We will look at success and happiness in great detail later in  
the book but here the message is that in order to look after your  
machine well, you must consider the needs of both the Chimp and  
the Human. All too often we stop at the Chimp because it takes up  
our time and shouts the loudest.  
Summary key points  
• ‘Do I want…?’ is the question to ask in order to recognise if your  
Chimp is hijacking you. If the answer is ‘no’ then you are being  
hijacked.  
You are always responsible for your Chimp.  
• The Chimp is five times stronger than you are.  
• Nurture your Chimp before you try to manage it.  
• Manage your Chimp, don’t try to control it.  
• There are three common ways to manage your Chimp: Exercise,  
Box and Bananas.  
Suggested exercise:  
The ‘NEAT’ exercise  
Normal  
Expected  
Accepted  
Taken care of  
Learn to be NEAT in life  
It is Normal to have Chimp outbursts and activity that you will  
not manage well. Therefore, you should Expect this to happen  
from time to time. Accept that you are not perfect and this  
animal is very powerful. Take care of the outburst or activity by  
appropriate means, such as apologies if you have affected  
others, or by forgiving yourself if you feel you have let yourself  
down.  
Being NEAT means being reasonable with yourself.  
Whenever you experience any form of Chimp activity that you  
do not manage well, stop and think NEAT. Accept that this is  
the way the machine works and then take care of the situation  
without getting down. Guilt, shame, frustration and other  
negative emotions are there to help us make repairs not to  
destroy us. Nobody gets it right all of the time and many of us  
get it wrong quite a lot of the time.  
Work on implementing NEAT thinking as a way of dealing  
with poor Chimp Management. If you have negative emotions,  
turn these round and use them to move forward. Think of ways  
to appropriately deal with negative emotions rather than  
engaging with them.  
Chapter 4  
The Guiding Moon  
(PART 1)  
How to understand the Computer in your mind  
THE GUIDING MOON is your brain’s computer. In the Universe, the  
moons all act as stabilisers to the planets that they are orbiting; the  
Guiding Moon therefore stabilises the Divided Planet. This means  
that if we can get the Computer in your mind to work well, it will give  
your mind stability and make managing your Chimp much easier.  
The Computer: some basic facts  
What is the function of the Computer?  
Your Computer has two functions:  
• It can think and act automatically for you using programmed  
thoughts and behaviours.  
• It is a reference source for information, beliefs and values.  
 
How does information get into the Computer?  
When you are born, effectively the Computer is an empty hard drive.  
It is merely a store for behaviours and beliefs that the Human or  
Chimp will input into it. It doesn’t have any original thinking or power  
of interpretation but will act on stored information. Often the Human  
or Chimp may not even be aware that they have put these conscious  
or unconscious thoughts or behaviours into the Computer. How  
successful it is in functioning depends on how helpful and truthful the  
inputs were.  
Potentially the Computer is more powerful than the Chimp and  
the Human because it is the reference source that both of them  
look to for help and guidance.  
Therefore, it is advisable to get to know how it works and how to  
maintain it, so the guidance it gives leads to success and happiness.  
Are the Computers in men and women the same?  
The short answer is yes. They function in a very similar way but  
there are some differences. The typical female Computer can work  
with language at a higher level than the typical male Computer.  
Female brains have many more areas than male brains, called  
association centres, for working with language. In contrast, the male  
brain has an area for dealing with mathematics and map-reading that  
is around four times the size than in the female brain (whether it  
works better is another matter!). It does mean that it is likely, since  
the two brains typically do show physical and physiological  
differences, that they will work differently and be better suited to  
specific tasks or learning.  
These discussions always seem to evoke high emotions with  
people feeling judged or categorised, which is a shame, as all that  
scientists are trying to do is to help us to understand ourselves  
better. There are of course always exceptions to the rule with both  
sexes, and research continues to throw more light onto this as we go  
forward. So, anatomically and physiologically, there are differences  
between the male and female Computers. There are also different  
responses to some neurotransmitters (chemicals that send  
messages) in different parts of the brain.  
How fast is the Computer?  
We can think of the Computer as running at a speed around four  
times that of the Chimp and twenty times that of the Human.  
Therefore, if the Computer is operating well, it can execute  
commands at an amazing speed with complete accuracy and before  
the Chimp or Human has a chance to finish thinking.  
These values reflect the speed of what actually happens in the  
Human brain, where some areas literally operate at a much faster  
speed than others.  
What is in the Computer?  
• The Autopilot is a constructive or helpful belief or behaviour.  
• The Gremlin is an unhelpful or destructive belief or behaviour that is  
removable.  
• The Goblin is an unhelpful or destructive belief or behaviour that is  
firmly fixed and extremely difficult to remove.  
• The Stone of Life contains the values and beliefs by which you live  
your life.  
The Computer’s functions in detail  
Automatic functioning  
Automatic functioning, which is exactly what it sounds like, is based  
on learnt behaviours, learnt beliefs and automatic programmes. It is  
when we just act with behaviours or thoughts that we have already  
worked out and can almost carry them out in our sleep. There is little  
effort on our part as a Human to think. When we combine actions,  
we can form complicated programmes, such as making a cup of  
coffee or riding a bike, which we eventually do automatically without  
thinking.  
The Chimp and the Human both input into the Computer and  
therefore programme it. Once the Computer has programmes to run  
with, it will take over and allow the Chimp and Human to take a  
break from thinking and interpreting. The Computer is programmed  
to think and act for us but only with information that we have told it to  
use. These stored beliefs and behaviours are therefore learnt by the  
Human and Chimp and put into the Computer. This is in contrast to  
the Chimp’s instincts that are inherited in the genes giving rise to  
instant reactions from the Chimp.  
The Computer does most of the work in taking us through our  
day. How well it gets us through the day will depend on what has  
been put into it. We can of course add and remove things from the  
Computer, if we stop and take time to maintain it. The problem is that  
most of us do not do this.  
Autopilots  
Autopilots are all the positive, constructive beliefs, behaviours and  
automatic functioning that help us to be successful and happy in life.  
They can be placed into the computer at any age. So Autopilots  
could include, for example: riding a bike; staying calm when  
something goes wrong; focusing on solutions rather than problems;  
tying a shoelace; being organised and disciplined as a routine;  
having a positive self-image.  
Goblins and Gremlins  
Goblins and Gremlins are more or less the opposite of Autopilots.  
They are unhelpful and destructive behaviours, beliefs or automatic  
programmes that are stored in the Computer.  
A Goblin is usually put into the Computer when you are very  
young. During the very early part of your childhood your Computer  
tends to hard-wire any information put into it. So Goblins are more or  
less hard-wired into the Computer and are very difficult to remove,  
so you need to learn to contain them. As a rule, Goblins occur before  
the age of about eight and Gremlins usually occur after the age of  
eight. As Gremlins are soft-wired, when you find them you can  
remove them. The distinction between Goblins and Gremlins is only  
made because it is important to know which ones can be removed  
and which ones probably can’t be removed. That way you are not  
trying to do the impossible. Either way you can deal with these  
unhelpful creatures once you have detected them.  
An example of a Goblin  
Let me give one example of a Goblin. The Fridge Door Syndrome  
depicts the most common example of a Goblin and this one affects  
most people in the Western world.  
It is the first day of school and the young child is full of emotion. The  
teacher says to the child, ‘Let’s paint a picture for your parents.’ After  
painting the picture the child runs home to show the parent. As the  
child runs up to the parent, the parent says, ‘What is that you’ve  
got?’ The child hands over the painting. The parent responds, ‘This  
picture is fantastic, you are very clever, I am so proud of you, I want  
the world to know just how good you are,’ and then puts the picture  
on the fridge door for all the world to see just how clever the child is.  
What has happened is that the child now has a great big Goblin  
to share life with!  
Let’s look at the same scenario with a different approach. The  
child returns from school with the painting and runs to the parent.  
The parent responds with, ‘Hang on,’ and moves the painting to one  
side and hugs the child. Then the parent says, ‘I am so proud of you  
and you are clever and I want the world to know just how proud I am  
of you.’ ‘Now, what is this that you have got?’ The parent and child  
now have a discussion about the painting and the parent  
compliments the painting and the child, and asks the child if they  
would like to put it on the fridge door because it is pretty.  
In the first scenario what the parent did was to tell the child that it  
was clever and that the parent was proud of it because of what the  
child had achieved. In other words, implying that the child’s worth is  
dependent on the painting. Then the parent went on to tell the child  
that they wanted to let the world know by putting the picture on the  
fridge door. The message to the child was: ‘It is what you can  
achieve in life that will make you worthy. It is what you do that will  
make others see you in a good light.’  
The message to the second child was that you are worthy just  
as you are. It is who you are that is being loved and respected  
and you don’t have to achieve anything in order to get this. The  
parent then went on to say that achieving things is good but these  
shouldn’t be mixed up with your own self-worth. It is of course  
always good to praise a child if it has done its best, whatever the  
level it has achieved.  
Of course there is a balance to be had and in these two scenarios  
I have taken an extreme view to drive the point home, but all too  
many of us are fearful of how we do and what others will think.  
Many students when taking exams become very anxious and fear  
the results. If you ask them how they would feel about taking the  
exam if the result were secret and known only to them and if it were  
not good they could retake it, in secret, until they passed, they would  
then usually say, ‘I wouldn’t be afraid or worried at all.’ Clearly the  
exam is not the problem for these students, it is the fear of others  
knowing the result and the implication this has for them.  
If we knew nobody thought badly of us then we would have little  
fear, it would be more of a nuisance to fail and we would then deal  
with the consequences. We would also not weigh our own self-worth  
by an exam result. This is the Fridge Door Goblin at its best!  
This syndrome is extremely common and the majority of the  
population seems to be affected by it. However, we can manage it  
and work around it, not letting it control us. Part of the problem is that  
the Chimp helps the Goblin. The Chimp has a very powerful troop  
drive that ensures our survival by being part of the troop. To be part  
of the troop means that we must be accepted. To be accepted  
means that we must be strong and useful. Therefore, from the  
primitive Chimp instinct we want to impress others. Clearly if we link  
this drive with the Goblin, it becomes very strong indeed. Therefore  
many people suffer emotionally because they are constantly worried  
about what others think of them and they would love to just live their  
lives and not be concerned, but the Chimp and Goblin won’t let  
them.  
An example of a Gremlin  
One example of two very common Gremlins that most people have  
in their Computers and experience from time to time: the twins of  
unrealistic expectation and unhelpful expectation.  
Checking to see if you are being realistic and reasonable about any  
expectation you have is always well worth doing. If your expectations  
are unrealistic or unhelpful then it is almost guaranteed to lead to  
very strong negative emotions within you. Typically, emotions such  
as frustration, anger or disappointment rush in.  
Consider a simple Gremlin that says, ‘I believe that I should  
always be on time.’ If you are late, for whatever reason, then you are  
likely to become stressed, as you are going on a belief that you  
should always be on time. You could replace the Gremlin with an  
Autopilot that says, ‘I would like to be on time whenever I can but  
sometimes this can’t happen and it is not the end of the world and I  
will deal with it.’ This is a more realistic belief that is likely to relax  
you and help you to act more like an adult than a child if things don’t  
go according to plan!  
Another example of an unrealistic expectation is that you always  
have to win to prove yourself. Playing a game of tennis can be good  
fun if you have a belief that it is just a game and the outcome doesn’t  
really matter. This doesn’t mean that you won’t try but it means that  
you have perspective. However, if you have a belief that you have to  
win because it reflects on your worth as a person then the game will  
become intense and probably unpleasant. What you hold as a belief  
will definitely affect the way in which you handle outcomes or  
respond to them, whatever they are. It is better to have realistic  
expectations or in some cases hold no expectations at all.  
Examples of other Gremlins include:  
• Overreacting to situations  
• Eating every time you feel like it but don’t need to  
• Beating yourself up  
• Worrying about decisions and not making them  
• Getting angry when you don’t want to  
The Computer acting as a reference source  
There are three aspects to the Computer acting as a reference:  
• General reference with Autopilots and Gremlins  
• The Stone of Life with the ‘Truths of Life’, ‘Values’ and the ‘Life  
Force’  
• The Mindset  
General reference with Autopilots and Gremlins  
Both the Human and the Chimp use the Computer as a memory  
bank for decision-making. When any experience occurs, the Human  
and the Chimp interpret what’s happening and then look into the  
Computer to see the previous experiences, beliefs or memories that  
are stored. A decision or course of action can be influenced by this  
stored information.  
Here is an example to demonstrate how this works. Adam works  
for a very tough boss who calls him in only to criticise and warn him  
that his job is not secure. The Human in Adam is unsettled by the  
behaviour of the boss and inputs into the Computer that ‘when you  
see this boss, expect to have criticism and be prepared for this  
emotionally’. This is a true belief that seems to be backed up by  
experience. It is a helpful interpretation of what is happening to put  
into the Computer and therefore would be an Autopilot (a truthful and  
helpful belief on which to base your future behaviour).  
The Chimp in Adam quite reasonably gets very disturbed by  
meeting the boss and the Chimp might put into the Computer the  
belief that ‘whenever you meet someone who is the boss, expect to  
be very disturbed and receive bad news’. This is a generalisation  
because not every boss will be like this and even the same boss  
may act differently depending on the occasion. So the Chimp inputs  
into the Computer a not-so-helpful belief that ‘ALL bosses are going  
to be critical and make you feel bad.’  
This interpretation by the Chimp is not that helpful and could be  
very destructive in the future. It is not the truth and is therefore a  
Gremlin (an unhelpful belief that is likely to lead to unhelpful  
behaviours in the future).  
What we now have are two very different messages in the Computer.  
These will be used as a reference for the future.  
The Human and the Chimp could choose either an Autopilot or a Gremlin. What  
happens depends on what is chosen  
While Adam stays in his current job with the same boss, either  
message will work when he gets called in to see the boss, as the  
boss is very likely to be unreasonable again. However, let’s assume  
Adam now moves jobs and has a new boss. The new boss does not  
work like the old one and is very understanding and likes to  
compliment and support his staff. Adam receives a call to say that  
the new boss would like to meet him. The Chimp in Adam  
immediately senses potential danger and looks into the Computer to  
see if there is any reference to work from. The Chimp talks to the  
Gremlin and the Gremlin says ‘ALL bosses are going to be critical  
and make you feel bad.’ The Chimp now says, ‘This is bad news  
because every boss will be critical and make you feel bad and you  
may lose your job.’ The Human doesn’t get a chance because the  
Chimp and the Gremlin are more powerful. So Adam enters the  
room with fear and is unlikely to have a good conversation with the  
boss because he is too anxious and already believes he knows the  
outcome. The alternative outcome is that Adam’s Human looks to  
the Autopilot and then reassures the Chimp and says, ‘I’ll give this  
new boss a chance as he may not be like the old one.’  
This is one way (through experience), by which Gremlins and  
Autopilots come into being. Either the Chimp or Human has put them  
into the Computer for future reference and use. It also demonstrates  
the way in which the Chimp works very closely with the Gremlins.  
Other ways Gremlins and Autopilots appear can be by education, or  
by discussion with others about their experiences.  
The Chimp and the Human are therefore using stored beliefs in  
the Computer as a reference point to help to make decisions. If the  
Computer has lots of Autopilots then it will moderate or stop the  
Chimp in its tracks and settle it down. This gives the Human a  
chance to look for and use the Autopilots and stabilise the entire  
system giving the person a calm feeling. This system can be seen at  
work on a brain scanner with blood flowing to different parts of the  
brain, as they are being used. Having lots of Gremlins in the  
Computer is very destabilising to both the Human and the Chimp.  
The Stone of Life with the ‘Truths of Life’, ‘Values’  
and the ‘Life force’  
The Stone of Life is your ultimate reference point. It is where your  
‘Truths of Life’, ‘Values’ and ‘Life Force’ are all inscribed. The Chimp  
and Human gauge everything by the Stone so let us look at these  
three things in detail.  
The Truths of Life  
The Truths of Life are how you believe the world works and you can  
‘prove’ they are true by examples and experience. You have either  
worked them out or accepted them from somewhere (parents,  
education, experience and so on).  
Everyone will have different truths but many of us share some of  
the same truths. The truths may be the same as some Autopilots or  
even some Gremlins, but they are the ones that you have chosen to  
live by. They are a set of beliefs that you believe are true.  
For example, suppose you have the rule that ‘life is not fair’. This  
seems reasonable as a ‘Truth of Life’ to most of us because we  
know it is ‘true’. If we then say that this is true and we live by it, then  
we would not get particularly upset or not even get upset at all if  
something was unfair, because that is how we believe that life works.  
It doesn’t mean that we don’t try to be fair in life but it does mean  
that when life is unfair we accept it and deal with it.  
If someone holds as a truth that ‘life is fair’ and tries to live by this  
‘truth’, then it is obvious that this person is very likely to get annoyed  
and upset quite often, when life is not fair. For example, if they buy a  
set of playing cards from a shop and get home and find that one is  
missing they will shout, ‘This is not fair.’ They will return to the shop  
and explain and expect to get a new pack of cards. This is a  
reasonable expectation. However, the assistant says she is sorry but  
there are no refunds because you should have checked before you  
left the shop. You can imagine the protests now. At the end of the  
day protesting that it isn’t fair won’t get them anywhere apart from  
angry. Sometimes it is best to sigh and say, ‘Life is not fair, and on  
this occasion it wasn’t, so I will accept it because there is nothing I  
can do.’ Your choice; you can fight the case and possibly win or you  
can write it off as experience and save the hassle that might be  
undignified and fruitless.  
My first three Truths of Life are:  
1. Life is not fair.  
2. The goal posts move.  
3. There are no guarantees.  
If I manage to live by these ‘truths’ or rules then very little upsets me.  
When I don’t live by these ‘truths’, and have days where I say, ‘But  
life is fair,’ then I come unstuck and have to remind myself of the  
reality. Of course these truths don’t mean that I just roll over in life,  
far from it, but it does mean that at the end of the day if I have to  
accept injustice then I can accept it and move on unscathed.  
Where did the idea that life is fair or SHOULD be fair come from?  
Most likely from early childhood when you were probably  
brainwashed! As a child you were read or watched fairy stories. The  
prince always married the princess and the wicked witch died and  
everyone lived happily ever after (except the witch, of course, but  
she got what she deserved). In other words, good always wins in the  
end. But that was a fairy story and you have been brainwashed into  
believing that it really does happen this way. It doesn’t. In fact we  
might do our children a favour by changing the ending to let the witch  
kill off the princess and marry the prince. Then after several  
horrendous years they get a divorce and the prince mourns for the  
rest of his life while the witch smirks happily. This is a bit more  
lifelike. But be warned, if you tell it to children who already have a  
strong belief that good always wins then they might attack you, so  
keep your distance!  
In reality not everything works out. I think it is worth trying to  
make good win and to be fair, but it is unwise to believe it SHOULD  
happen and something is wrong if it doesn’t. Hence, my own number  
one truth of life, ‘Life is not fair’.  
Values  
Within the Computer you have unwritten values that you believe to  
be important to you. Just as with the Truths of Life, it is very helpful  
for you to work out your values, as these values will be the guide for  
the Human and Chimp to work to. The values will act as a constant  
reminder of where your heart and soul lie and will settle down both  
the Human and Chimp in times of distress. Values are judgement  
calls that you have made and reflect moral and ethical principles that  
you intend to uphold. For example, you may hold the value that ‘lying  
is wrong’. This is not a truth of life as you can’t prove it, but it is a  
value judgement. Common values that some people hold could be:  
• Being unfaithful is wrong.  
• Family is more important than work.  
• Being selfless is a virtue.  
So the difference between ‘Truths’ and ‘Values’ is that ‘Truths’ are  
evidence-based, whereas ‘Values’ are personal judgement calls.  
The Life Force  
To discover the Life Force on your Stone of Life, imagine that you  
are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  
Your great-great-grandchild asks, ‘Before you die, tell me what I  
should do with my life?’  
Pause for a moment now and try to honestly answer the  
question immediately within the next minute. You have just one  
minute, start now and then when the time is up and you have  
worked out what you would say to them, continue reading.  
Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is  
the essence of the Sun within your Universe. It is what life is all  
about to you. It is your ‘Life Force’.  
Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t  
matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, and ‘make the most of  
it’.  
Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really  
the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the  
essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will  
unsettle you more than anything else.  
Summary of the Stone of Life  
• The Truths of Life are statements that you believe are true for the  
way that the world works.  
• The Values are the principles and ideals that you believe in.  
• The Life Force is what you believe life is all about and how it should  
be lived.  
The Mindset  
The final aspect of the Computer acting as a reference is the  
Mindset. To understand a Mindset it is helpful to ask three specific  
questions.  
• How do you see yourself?  
• How do you see others?  
• How do you see the world?  
The way in which we approach life is greatly influenced by the way in  
which we see ourselves, others and the world in which we live.  
These three viewpoints represent the Mindset that we hold. So a  
Mindset is the basis that we work from when dealing with ourself,  
others and the world.  
These beliefs tend to come in clusters (of Autopilots and Gremlins),  
which group together to form a characteristic presentation. It is  
important to note that this is not your personality, although it will  
influence it. It is a pathway in the Computer based on beliefs that are  
changeable.  
For example, suppose you see yourself as a very intelligent  
person whom everybody loves and the world as a place of fun and  
opportunity, then your Mindset means that it is likely that you will get  
up every morning feeling good and will look forward to new  
experiences. It also means that if you meet someone who doesn’t  
like you then you will probably think that something is wrong in their  
world and that when it comes right they will like you again. As you  
can imagine, this particular Mindset will probably be a great  
advantage to you most of the time and get you into difficulties only  
very occasionally. Certainly, it is very likely that you will be a happy  
person.  
Now let’s reverse the situation. Suppose you believe that you are  
not intelligent and that you have to try and hide this so that others  
won’t find out. You also believe that others are better than you and  
that they are usually trying to uncover your own inadequacies.  
Finally you believe that the world is a hostile place that you must  
survive each day. With this Mindset, it doesn’t take too much  
imagination to see how destructive this will be to you. You will not  
want to try anything new for fear of looking silly and being found out  
and confirmed as an idiot. You may be very cautious with other  
people, often resenting and finding fault with them, as you may feel  
they are patronising you. It is likely that you will have few friends and  
either withdraw feeling depressed from a world that you feel you  
don’t belong in, or you may become a very aggressive person  
always feeling like you have to prove yourself or defend yourself  
against others.  
These two Mindsets are very severe but they do represent two  
ends of a spectrum within which we all tend to fall. It is well worth  
spending some time thinking about the Mindset that you have  
because it will affect the Chimp, the Human and what goes into the  
Computer by distorting your perception of what is happening in  
everyday events.  
Let’s look at another extreme example to drive the point home.  
Imagine that you believe you are Miss World or Mr Universe and are  
going into a nightclub; it is likely that you would walk in feeling  
positive and confident, striding in, head held high, wanting to meet  
other people. Now imagine that you believe you are a Quasimodo  
look-a-like. You may not feel too confident and would possibly slink  
in, trying to avoid other people. Your Mindset greatly influences the  
way in which you act and portray yourself to the world.  
Summary key points  
• The Computer has two principal functions: running automatic  
programmes and acting as a reference source for the Human and  
Chimp.  
• The Computer can be thought of as being twenty times faster to act  
than the Human and four times faster than the Chimp.  
• Autopilots are constructive and helpful automatic behaviours and  
beliefs.  
• Gremlins are destructive and unhelpful automatic behaviours and  
beliefs that are removable.  
• Goblins are destructive and unhelpful automatic behaviours and  
beliefs that are firmly fixed.  
• The Stone of Life contains your Truths of Life, Values and Life  
Force.  
• The Mindset you hold is based on your perception of how things are  
and therefore influences your approach to life.  
Suggested exercise:  
Reviewing your Computer and Stone of Life  
Reviewing your Computer for Gremlins  
As the Computer is the steadying influence on both Human and  
Chimp, it is important to regularly review what is in it. Search  
for the Gremlin twins of unrealistic expectation and unhelpful  
expectation in your day-to-day life. You may be surprised to  
find how often they are behind many emotionally unpleasant  
feelings. If you have become upset by something, let this be a  
prompt to check on whether your expectations are realistic and  
helpful regarding the situation or others involved. Your Chimp is  
likely to have very high expectations of others. Recognise this  
and replace them with Human expectations. For example,  
expecting friends to always agree with you is Chimp, instead of  
expecting friends to have an opinion and hoping it will agree  
with yours, which is Human.  
Making the Stone of Life visible  
Consider your Stone of Life and take time to very clearly work  
out what is written on it. Make sure that you have specific  
Truths and Values that you are working with. Write down your  
Life Force statement. When you have done this, draw up the  
Stone of Life onto a poster and put it somewhere prominent to  
remind you of what you believe and want to live your life by.  
Chapter 5  
The Guiding Moon  
(PART 2)  
How to manage your Computer  
MANAGING YOUR COMPUTER is mainly about establishing constructive  
thoughts and behaviours. We will look at managing the Computer by  
working through these four themes:  
• Identifying and replacing Gremlins with Autopilots  
• Stopping any more Gremlins from going into the Computer  
• Perfecting the Stone of Life  
• Establishing your Mindset and living by it  
Identifying and replacing Gremlins with  
Autopilots  
Automatic functioning relies on stored beliefs and behaviours. In  
order for you and the Chimp to go to sleep and let the Computer take  
over, you have to programme it properly. If it doesn’t run smoothly or  
it doesn’t know what to do, then you and the Chimp stay awake and  
interfere.  
Useful, constructive behaviours and beliefs are the Autopilots.  
Useless, destructive behaviours or beliefs are the Gremlins. So you  
will first need to identify the Gremlins in your Computer and then  
remove them by replacing them with Autopilots. Remember that the  
reason this is so important is because whenever the Human or the  
Chimp receives any information, they first look around the Computer  
to see if there is anything they should know or remember before  
acting. If they are given constructive and helpful comments from an  
 
Autopilot they will settle down and act appropriately; if they are given  
information from a destructive Gremlin they are likely to act on this.  
The Gremlin is likely to rouse the Chimp into an unwelcome  
emotional state and unsettle the Human, which will lead to a  
negative outcome and probably regrettable behaviour.  
The Chimp and Human always look into the Computer before acting  
Gremlins are often hidden so you need to search for them. For  
example, if you have a hidden belief that you are not as good as  
other people, it may not be obvious to you, so you have to find it.  
Let’s say you are waiting in a queue to buy a cup of coffee and  
someone pushes in front of you. You, the Human, may want to  
politely say, ‘Excuse me there is a queue;’ your Chimp might want to  
say the same thing, but in a much more aggressive manner!  
However, before either of you get a chance to speak, you and the  
Chimp look into the Computer. Here you will see the Gremlin who  
says, ‘You are not as good as other people.’ This is the reference for  
the Human and the Chimp to act on. So this Gremlin prevents you  
from speaking because you feel you do not have the right or you fear  
the person’s response.  
This Gremlin is very destructive and it is compromising your  
ability to act as an adult. What if you had a Gremlin that said, ‘You  
are better than everybody else’? This Gremlin may give you a lot of  
confidence but you may well come across as arrogant and  
domineering, which in the long run is just as unhelpful as the first  
Gremlin.  
Gremlins must be replaced with Autopilots  
If you can recognise these Gremlins then you can remove them. To  
replace a Gremlin you must introduce an Autopilot. In other words, if  
you have a belief that is unhelpful, you must replace it with a helpful  
belief. In this case, that helpful belief is likely to be that ‘all humans  
are equal and we are all worthy of respect’. If this Autopilot were in  
your head in the example above when someone barged in front of  
you, then when the Human and Chimp looked into the Computer to  
check for guidance they would have seen an Autopilot that says ‘we  
are all worthy of respect’ and then either the Chimp or Human could  
have spoken up. (Hopefully the Human would have silenced the  
Chimp and said, ‘Let me handle this politely!’)  
Finding your Gremlins  
Whenever a Gremlin is at work it will typically leave you with a  
negative experience, which will be either an unwelcome emotion or a  
negative outcome. This often means that the Gremlin will stop you  
doing something you want to do or have you doing something that  
you don’t want to do. Only you can decide if a belief you have is  
helpful or not, depending on what makes you happy and how you  
want to live your life.  
To find your Gremlins, think of a time when you had an emotion  
that you didn’t want. This is usually a negative emotion – people  
don’t normally complain about being too happy or excited! Such an  
emotion could be: anger, frustration, upset or disappointment. Next,  
re-live the situation. What happened? What were you doing? What  
were others doing? What were you thinking? Focus on what you  
were thinking and ask yourself if this was a helpful thought or not.  
Also, was it a truthful thought or not? If it is causing you a negative  
emotion it is likely to be an unhelpful Gremlin and could be removed.  
Gremlins and the Chimp can be hard to distinguish between if they  
are both saying the same thing. This is not too surprising since it was  
the Chimp that put the Gremlin into the Computer in the first place!  
The Chimp thinks in the here and now. The Gremlin merely recalls  
what the Chimp has previously said in the form of a belief. For  
example, someone asks you to help him or her with a job. Your  
Chimp might react on the spot with a negative feeling or a Gremlin  
might recall that every time you get asked to do a job it is hard work  
and therefore the Gremlin gives you an automatic negative feeling  
because of this negative belief.  
Removing your Gremlins  
Let’s take a common example of how to remove a Gremlin and turn  
it into an Autopilot.  
You might complain that you just can’t say ‘no’ to people and this  
eventually makes you feel upset because you take on too much or  
feel a bit angry that you have more work to do. The Gremlin is the  
behaviour of inappropriately saying ‘yes’ whenever you are asked to  
do something. Other Gremlins, which are destructive beliefs, will be  
behind this one and we need to find them.  
To find the Gremlins that are causing you to say ‘yes’, every time  
you are asked to do something, try asking yourself two questions:  
• What do you believe saying ‘no’ to someone will imply about you?  
• What are the consequences of you saying ‘no’ to someone?  
If your answers are something like this: ‘If I say “no”, then this implies  
that I am selfish and the consequences are that I will be seen as  
lazy,’ then these two Gremlins are making the Human within you  
make poor decisions.  
Try to replace these Gremlins with some truths. For example:  
• Saying ‘no’ is the appropriate response of an adult who is  
respecting his or her own exhaustibility or boundaries.  
• Saying ‘no’ is a powerful thing to do by a balanced person.  
• People who are realistic will accept being turned down and  
appreciate that you have the right to say ’no’.  
• People respect those who can say ‘no’.  
A helpful way forward for not saying ‘yes’ to everything is to break  
the cycle early. So when you are asked to do something, give your  
Human a chance to think by saying an automatic response such as ‘I  
need a moment to think if I can fit this in,’ or ‘I need to think if it is  
appropriate for me to do this.’ Once you get used to responding, by  
stopping and letting people know you need time, they will respect  
this and you have a chance to make wise decisions.  
Gremlins can take several efforts, and some time to remove  
them, but with persistence they will go. The number of ‘truths’, or  
Autopilots, to help with this problem is significant. In order for it to  
work you have to find these truths and then continually reinforce  
them until they are firmly fixed in the Computer and become second  
nature. Going back to the above example, most people will  
understand and accept if you say that you cannot help them. There  
are no medals for those who continually say ‘yes’ and then get upset  
by it. The fact you recognise you are having problems saying ‘no’  
means there is a need to change.  
You have to decide on what is your ‘truth’  
Let’s consider a mother who gets repeatedly angry with her teenage  
daughter about her room being untidy but doesn’t want this emotion.  
This anger and the untidiness is affecting their relationship. The  
mother could ask herself: ‘What are the beliefs that I hold causing  
me to be angry?’  
The beliefs that caused the anger might be:  
• My daughter is lazy if she doesn’t tidy her room.  
• There will be germs in the room if it is untidy and germs are bad.  
• It is my house and these are the rules.  
She could then challenge these beliefs to see if they are actually true  
or not. Even if she still thinks they are true, she can ask herself:  
• What is more important, a battle about the room or a good  
relationship with my daughter?  
• Is there another way of approaching this problem?  
The mother can’t expect to be angry and not evoke a reaction from  
her daughter and this may not be the one that she wants. The  
mother can change the beliefs listed above and replace them with  
more helpful ones such as:  
• Having an untidy room is not the same as being a lazy person; it’s  
just an untidy person who happens to be a teenager.  
• My daughter is learning to be an adult and she learns best by  
discovering things for herself.  
• If I explain that an untidy room upsets me then she may tidy it for  
me.  
• It may be my house but it is my daughter’s room.  
Of course the mother might still choose to get angry and lay down  
the law and it might all work out. However, she can’t complain if she  
puts the rules before her relationship with her daughter and the  
relationship disappears.  
This example shows that we all have to decide for ourselves what  
we want and how we want to act and what we want to believe. This  
is a choice, and with all choices come consequences. Only you can  
decide how you want to act in your world. If you want things to  
change then you have to look at things differently. If you are unwilling  
to challenge your beliefs then the Gremlin will remain and you must  
accept the consequences.  
Remember that when you have identified the belief that sits  
behind your negative emotions you have to replace it with  
something. You are trying to create a new automatic thought, an  
Autopilot, or pathway, in the brain. You need to replace the Gremlin  
with a positive Autopilot statement and you need to think about this  
regularly, rehearsing it until it becomes your automatic response.  
Mothers still need a life  
A common Gremlin inputted by some female Chimps comes  
from the maternal drive. This is the belief that the only role she  
has is to look after her children and family. The Chimp could  
have programmed the Computer to have a Gremlin that says,  
You have to put your family first on every occasion, otherwise  
you are a bad mother.’ The consequence of this is the mother  
spends all her time running around after the family and has no  
time for herself. Anything she does for herself makes her feel  
guilty. This is not a helpful or healthy belief and it begs the  
question: what role model is this offering her daughter if she  
becomes a mother?  
Replacing your Gremlins  
Let’s assume that you are on your way to work and driving into town.  
You have set off in good time and all is going well. Suddenly you  
come across a man who has reversed his car into the middle of the  
road from a driveway. The car has stalled and won’t work and is  
blocking the road. You are now in a queue and the traffic can’t move.  
Time is going by and the man, for whatever reason, isn’t moving the  
car. The oncoming traffic isn’t giving way for you, so you are stuck.  
Ten minutes have passed and you realise that you are now going to  
be late for work. You also know that your manager is very intolerant  
of people who turn up late. How would you react?  
A typical person might do something like this:  
First the Chimp starts to screech a little, ‘What is this idiot doing?’;  
‘Why can’t he move his car?’; ‘He must realise we are all going to be  
late’; ‘Oh great, just what I need,’ and so on.  
The Human tries to calm the Chimp with thoughts such as, ‘Well,  
he can’t help it’; ‘He’s not doing this deliberately’; ‘It will soon be  
okay.’  
As time passes, the Chimp gets worse and the Human is losing  
control. They both now look to the Computer to see what the beliefs  
are. Are they Gremlins or Autopilots?  
The Gremlins will be beliefs such as:  
• I expect to go to work without being stopped.  
• I set off early therefore this is unacceptable.  
• Nothing in my world should go wrong.  
• If something in my world goes wrong because of somebody else  
then I should get angry.  
• I should have control of my journey to work.  
• If something has happened beyond somebody’s control then they  
are still guilty.  
These are all quite ridiculous beliefs if you think about them but if  
you have them hidden inside your head then no wonder the Chimp  
gets angrier when it speaks to these Gremlins who tell it absurd  
things.  
Let’s reverse these beliefs and give some truthful Autopilots and  
remove these Gremlins. So the counter beliefs are:  
• I hope to get to work without being stopped but there is no  
guarantee.  
• I set off early but this doesn’t mean I will be there on time.  
• I can’t always expect everything to go right in my world.  
• If someone does something in my world that is unhelpful to me, I  
don’t have to get angry but I can deal with it in a calm way.  
• I don’t have control of my journey to work.  
• If something happens outside my control then I can hardly be guilty.  
• If my manager gets angry if I am late then I can deal with this.  
If these Autopilots were in the Computer, then when the Chimp  
began to get angry or upset it would look into the Computer and  
recognise that this was an inappropriate response and it would calm  
down. However, this needs to be reinforced by rehearsing these  
responses so that the pathways in the Computer override and  
remove the previously unhelpful ones.  
A giant Gremlin called ‘SHOULD’  
A common and destructive Gremlin is often brought into being by the  
word ‘should’. Gremlins are often statements that contain rigid words  
such as ‘must’ and ‘should’. Think carefully about using these words  
as they are often inappropriate and can be damaging.  
‘Everyone should be pleasant with me, if I am pleasant with  
them.’  
If this belief is present in the Computer and the Chimp looks into  
the Computer when someone is not being pleasant to you then it is  
likely to make you feel angry, frustrated or hurt. In reality, people do  
not necessarily have the same values as you or live their life  
according to your beliefs. By accepting this as a fact, you may want  
to replace the Gremlin with an Autopilot. By replacing the word  
‘should’ with the word ‘could’ you will have a truth that you will find  
easier to live by. So the Autopilot becomes, ‘Everyone could be  
pleasant with me if I am pleasant with them.’ Now if it doesn’t  
happen you are not disappointed or surprised.  
Here are some examples to think about. Consider the difference  
in feelings that the two statements make just by swapping the word  
over.  
The differences between the two statements are that using the word  
‘should’ often evokes a sense of judgement, a command, guilt or a  
feeling of failure, whereas using the word ‘could’ usually evokes  
feelings of possibility, hope, an option, a choice, empowerment and  
potential for change. The equivalent word for ‘must’ is ‘might’. Try  
some sentences for yourself with this.  
It is reasonable to have some expectations of what might happen  
but it may be unreasonable to demand that these must happen.  
Clearly there are some occasions when the words ‘must’ and  
‘should’ would be appropriate, so I am not suggesting that we  
remove them from the English language!  
Dancing with the Gremlins  
When a number of Gremlins get together it can be hard to separate  
them. Each Gremlin seems to reinforce the next Gremlin. As you  
jump from one false or unhelpful belief to another you end up  
dancing with the Gremlins.  
For example, let’s assume that you are about to meet some of  
your partner’s relatives. Your Computer has a few Gremlins in it that  
are starting to wake up and speak to you. This will agitate the Chimp.  
The Gremlins may be the following:  
• I have to make a good impression.  
• I am about to be judged.  
• We are unlikely to have anything in common.  
• If I make a fool of myself they will think I am stupid.  
These are all possibly true, though unhelpful beliefs that will dance  
around together.  
The way in which to recognise each Gremlin and how they are  
working together is to write them down as they appear. Putting them  
down on paper means that you can work to remove each one  
individually. Trying to do them all together is very unlikely to work, as  
each one needs its own answer that is based on truth and logic in  
order to remove it and replace it with an Autopilot (the acceptable  
truth).  
So in this case let’s do it!  
The answers that you give must be ones that ring true for you,  
otherwise they won’t remove the Gremlins. So you have to think  
each one out with an answer that is powerful enough, based on the  
truth that you believe. When you have found your answers you must  
write them down and remind yourself of them until they become  
ingrained into your way of thinking. Whatever you do, don’t try to  
brainwash yourself, or fool yourself into something that you don’t  
believe, because it will fail to stop the Gremlins.  
It can take several weeks or months to reinforce an Autopilot and  
remove the Gremlin. Gremlins have a nasty habit of returning so  
watch out for them. You need to be vigilant and try to address them  
every time you recognise them.  
Stopping any more Gremlins from going into the  
Computer  
Putting Autopilots or Gremlins into the Computer is done by  
experience, including discussions and education. So when you  
experience anything in life you will interpret this. If you interpret it in a  
negative and unhelpful way then Gremlins will appear in the  
Computer for future reference. If you interpret the event or  
experience in a positive or constructive way then Autopilots get put  
into the Computer.Therefore it is important when inputting into  
the Computer that you think carefully through the experience  
that you have had and interpret it correctly.  
For example, if you go to work and somebody is brisk and quite  
cold towards you, it is quite easy for the Chimp to interpret this  
emotionally and jump to conclusions such as: ‘this person doesn’t  
like me;’ ‘There is something wrong with them;’ ‘There is something  
wrong with me;’ and ‘I knew I was unpopular with everyone.’ There  
are infinite possibilities for the interpretation.  
The Human, being logical, is likely to think differently and more  
along the lines of, ‘I’m not sure why that person seems cold towards  
me; I need to find out,’ or ‘It doesn’t really matter to me as long as I  
remain pleasant;’ or ‘Maybe something is wrong and they are not  
well or worried about something,’ or ‘Maybe I have upset them and I  
need to apologise.’ Again the list is endless.  
The point here is that if we listen to the Chimp then inevitably new  
Gremlins will be put into the Computer and old ones will be  
reinforced. If we go with the Human and silence the Chimp, then we  
will first try to search out the truth of the matter and then allow  
Autopilots to go into the Computer. The key here is not to listen to  
the Chimp but to listen to the Human and check out the facts first.  
This will then put Autopilots into the Computer for future reference.  
Using the example above, when you speak to the person, you  
may find that they had a bad headache and they apologise for giving  
you an impression of coldness. You can now input a healthy  
Autopilot into the Computer that says: whenever someone seems  
cold, check out the facts first before jumping to conclusions.  
On the other hand, let’s be extreme and say that the person turns  
on you and says they don’t like you and they have every intention of  
being rude to you. At least you can put into the Computer a new  
Autopilot that says: not everyone is going to like me and I have to  
live with that and sometimes no matter what I do I can’t win.  
Either way, the important point is to recognise the interpretations  
and way of thinking by the Chimp and by the Human.  
Key Point  
Humans don’t always get it right and Chimps don’t always get it  
wrong.  
Helpful and unhelpful information is inputted into the Computer from  
either the Chimp or the Human. Generally, the Human puts in  
Autopilots and the Chimp puts in Gremlins but there are exceptions.  
If the Human is given information that it doesn’t or can’t understand,  
then using logic it may analyse this information incorrectly and  
inadvertently put a Gremlin into the Computer. For example, you  
may go to see your family doctor who becomes agitated and tells  
you that you are wasting their time. Later in the year you see another  
family doctor who also becomes agitated and tells you that you are  
wasting their time. The Human logic interprets this by saying I am  
wasting the time of my family doctors because two of them can’t both  
be wrong. However, it could be that in fact you met two very  
unhelpful doctors and you were not wasting their time at all.  
However, the Human has used logic to misinterpret what happened  
and has put a Gremlin in the Computer, that is, when I go to the  
doctors I am wasting their time.  
Similarly the Chimp’s emotional thinking may be correct and input  
an Autopilot. For example, you may meet someone that your Chimp  
reads emotionally, by body language, and tells you that it doesn’t  
trust them. Your Chimp may well be right and puts into the  
Computer: ‘This person is not trustworthy, be careful.’ This is in fact  
an Autopilot if the Chimp is right in its interpretation and you would  
be wise to listen to it.  
Perfecting the Stone of Life  
The whole point of getting your Universe in order is to let the Sun,  
which is at the centre of your Universe, be the focal point of  
everything. This Sun is what you believe life is all about and is about  
self-fulfilment. Of course, many people have a strong faith and this  
will be the meaning of their life and most, if not all of their values, will  
be based on this faith. Again, if you have strong religious beliefs it is  
worth making it clear to yourself what your beliefs are, and then  
making sure that you are in tune with these and live your life  
accordingly.  
If you do not have strong religious beliefs then you must define  
what you feel is the ultimate goal that you are trying to achieve, as  
this will define your Life Force. Many people, regardless of beliefs,  
would agree that life is about self-fulfilment and about being happy.  
Only you can decide what is important to you.  
Key Point  
It is the Stone of Life that holds the key to stabilising your entire  
Universe.  
Establishing your Mindset and living by it  
It is worth challenging your Mindset by experimenting. Whilst working  
with a group of medical students in a hospital setting, we tried an  
experiment. Several students were asked to believe that he or she  
were the Clinical Director of the hospital. The students were then  
observed to see what they did. Most of them walked down the centre  
of the corridor and greeted staff and patients with a polite ‘Good  
morning’ and were seen to initiate the interaction.  
Then we asked them to walk down the corridor again but this time  
as if they were the cleaner of the hospital who was on a temporary  
contract and likely to lose their job very soon. This time most of the  
students were observed to walk down the edge of the corridor and  
not to engage with others they passed. The students did not know  
that they were being observed for behaviours in the corridor. When  
shown their change of behaviour based on the perception of  
themselves they were surprised.  
One way to see how you are really coming across is to see the  
effects you are having on others. Do others find you good company?  
Do others feel energised when they have met you? Decide which  
thoughts about yourself are constructive and which ones are  
destructive. Be sure you have realistic expectations of yourself.  
Remember: the values you hold in yourself are likely to be far  
more important than what you look like or what you can achieve.  
Key Point  
True friends like us for our values and personalities not for our  
achievements, position and possessions.  
If you believe values and attitudes are the important things in your  
life then clarify these and work on them when you want to develop a  
picture of yourself, as they are what is important to you and define  
you. I am not saying we shouldn’t try to achieve things or have  
possessions and feel good about having these things, but I am  
saying that these things need to be in tune with your values. If your  
values are based on having specific characteristics in your  
personality and holding certain outlooks, then make sure you spend  
time developing these.  
You can always check how you are coming across by asking a  
number of friends but be prepared for some uncomfortable truths. If  
you do receive comments that seem quite critical then at least you  
have a starting point to begin to work from and change these  
perceptions.  
The Mindset is not just about how you perceive yourself but also  
how you perceive others and the world. I will take two extremes to try  
and drive this point home.  
Let’s start with the person who believes that they own the world in  
which they live. They will be confident and assertive because it is  
their world. Of course, while no one owns Planet Earth, each of us  
owns our own world. We decide how it is run and who can enter it to  
a very large degree.  
Now let us look at the person who believes that they are in  
another person’s world and that they don’t belong there. This person  
will lack assertiveness and feel that they have no right to be there.  
This is likely to result in them being unhappy and protective of  
themselves and to see the world as a dangerous and threatening  
place in which to live. They may also go further and feel that they  
have to fight their corner because others are oppressing them. You  
can imagine many other beliefs that might appear purely as a result  
of the person seeing the world as belonging to others. Most of us fall  
in the middle of these two stances but can drift either way if we are  
not careful.  
Summary key points  
• It is vital to get the Computer into correct working order.  
You can search out and replace Gremlins with Autopilots.  
• The Stone of Life is the most powerful part of your mind.  
• The Stone of Life is something that you can work on.  
• Reinforcing the Stone of Life by making it visible every day is a  
major settling influence on you.  
You can choose the right Mindset to approach life.  
Suggested exercise:  
Managing your Computer  
Replace ‘should’ Gremlins with ‘could’ Autopilots  
If you are experiencing some form of pressure or stress, try to  
see if the ‘should’ Gremlin is behind it and is inappropriate.  
Replace this with a ‘could’ Autopilot and think about the  
differences in emotion that it gives you. This exercise needs to  
be done repeatedly if you are to embed the Autopilot into the  
Computer so that it operates without your input.  
The ultimate stabiliser  
I cannot urge you enough to return to your Stone of Life  
and if necessary perfect and redraw your poster. When you  
get this clear in your mind it will be the most settling influence  
on your Chimp, your Human and your very existence.  
Remember that the Stone of Life is by far the most powerful  
stabiliser for your Psychological Mind and indeed for your  
entire Universe.  
Chapter 6  
Personality and the Mind  
How your mind works and influences your  
personality  
YOU NOW HAVE an understanding of the three brains in your head: the  
Human, the Chimp and the Computer. Next we can look at the way  
in which the Guiding Moon (Computer) stabilises the Divided Planet  
(the struggle between Human and Chimp). To optimise the system,  
you can learn to move the blood supply in your head and operate  
with either the Chimp, Human or Computer, depending on which one  
will be right for the task. We can also look at your personality and  
understand how it is formed and then develop it.  
How the Computer interfaces with the Chimp and  
Human  
If the Chimp and the Human are relaxed and are not worried, then  
you will automatically work with the Computer, which means you can  
perform routine daily tasks without conscious effort as your  
Computer works according to an automatic programme. However, if  
any danger or unusual circumstances appear then the Chimp or  
Human will wake up and take over.  
How the Chimp, the Human and the Computer deal with input  
The diagram shows that it is the Chimp’s perception of whether there  
is danger or not which starts off the process. Which part of the brain  
deals with the situation depends on two main factors:  
 
• Whether the Chimp senses danger or threat  
• Whether the Human is familiar with the situation or not  
The end result shows that in extreme danger the Chimp will take  
over. When there is a threat, the Chimp will first look into the  
Computer to see what is stored there. If the Computer does not  
reassure the Chimp then the Chimp will take over. If the Chimp is  
reassured then either the Human or Computer will act. In  
circumstances where the Chimp does not see any threat then it will  
hand over to either the Human or the Computer. To give a simple  
illustration of how the three brains interact we will consider someone  
playing the piano.  
The piano player  
Let’s assume the pianist is playing their favourite piece, knows it well  
and has played it easily many times before. This task is firmly  
programmed into the Computer and the Computer can make their  
fingers play without any thought involved. It is in automatic mode.  
Let’s also assume that the Human is relaxed and fine, the Chimp is a  
highly strung animal and that the Computer is just doing its job. We  
can look at three scenarios.  
The first scenario  
I walk into the room and pose no threat to the person, who continues  
to play the piano. I ask them if they would like a cup of coffee and  
the Human in them answers with a yes or no. The Computer  
continues faultlessly playing the music. The Chimp is asleep  
because there is no threat. The Human is relaxed and allowing the  
Computer to do the work.  
The second scenario  
I walk into the room and say to the person, ‘Can you talk me through  
the way that your fingers are moving up and down the piano?’ This  
time, as I pose no threat, which means the Chimp is still resting, I  
have asked the Human to think. So the Human has woken up and  
the blood supply in the brain is now going to the Human. The Human  
now thinks very slowly (20 times slower than the Computer). The  
Human also has to work things out from first principle, so starts to go  
wrong. The person now stops and says, ‘I can’t think that quickly but  
if you just watch I can play easily.’ They then pick up where they left  
off and immediately play well again. (The Human is not a good place  
to send your blood supply if you have to think quickly or perform a  
familiar task!)  
The third scenario  
I walk into the room along with a group of famous pianists and say to  
the person, ‘We are just going to see how well you can play the  
piano,’ and then I lean on the piano and watch the pianist intently!  
This time the Chimp within the pianist wakes up and panics because  
it perceives danger. So the blood supply goes to the Chimp. The  
Chimp is now emotional and unpredictable and the Chimp, who will  
start the conversation, might typically defend itself and will now  
overtake the Human within the person. ‘I am not at my best today,’  
would be a typical response from the Chimp, with either a cessation  
of the music or the Chimp trying to play the piano, which will be  
poorly done!  
The mathematical challenge  
Here is another example and this time we will demonstrate the three  
brains trying to work together. The Computer thinks the fastest  
because everything is already stored in place. If someone asked you  
to do a simple multiplication, such as three times three, then you  
would answer immediately because the answer is stored in the  
Computer. The Chimp wouldn’t have felt threatened because it was  
an easy sum to do.  
However, if you were asked 13 times 17, assuming that you don’t  
know the answer, then you would have to stop and think, using the  
Human with help from the Computer. If you did that sum every day  
you would soon know it and it would be automatic. The more you  
rehearse things, the more they become automatic, robust and quick.  
If we now ask you to do the next complicated sum in front of a  
group of strangers then it is very likely that the blood supply in your  
brain will go straight to the Chimp because you will feel under threat.  
Who knows what the Chimp will do with this! It may scream, it may  
laugh or it may just refuse to engage. What we do know is that if you  
feel under threat then the blood supply will go to your Chimp first and  
then onto either the Human or the Computer. So in this example, if  
you want to work well on mathematical multiplications, you would  
first manage the Chimp, then get the Human to input the correct  
answers into the Computer and get the Computer to learn these well.  
How can you change this default programme?  
Now that we have an understanding of how the machine works we  
can learn how to intervene and make it work for us.  
There are three main ways to adjust the way the machine deals  
with information. The first is when the Human intervenes by  
managing the Chimp to stop it acting out on its thoughts, the second  
is by getting the help of others and the third is by using the Computer  
to manage the Chimp.  
The Human intervenes  
Here is the diagram that we saw in the Human and Chimp chapter.  
This time we have added an intervention line. You cannot stop the  
Chimp from reacting to anything that happens (shown as the  
first step on both pathway options), however, you can stop the  
Chimp from acting on this reaction.  
So after the Chimp reacts to some experience and then is about  
to employ emotional thinking to make sense of the situation, the  
Human needs to intervene. The Human needs to use ‘facts’ and  
‘truth’ in order to take the person into logical thinking and stop the  
Chimp from progressing with emotional thinking.  
Two pathways to choose from  
The broken leg and lost holiday  
Here is an example in practice. Tony has booked a holiday abroad  
with friends and is really looking forward to it. With one week to go  
he falls and breaks his leg.  
This information will first go to his Chimp. He can’t stop the Chimp  
receiving the information first and reacting to it, so needs to accept  
this and work with it. Inevitably and reasonably his Chimp reacts. His  
Chimp screeches, ‘It’s not fair,’ ‘I can’t believe this has happened,’  
‘This is the last thing that I need,’ and so on.  
At this point Tony has a choice. He can let the Chimp take over  
with emotional thinking and it will create an even gloomier picture  
with lots of complaints and anger and generally have nothing  
constructive in its plans. Or he can get his Human to intervene, and  
give the Chimp some facts and truths to stop it from reacting, and to  
allow his Human to take over with some logical thinking and to form  
some constructive plans. His facts to the Chimp could be, ‘Nothing  
can change what has happened,’ ‘I can either make the best of this  
and choose to enjoy the next few weeks or I can keep complaining  
and remain miserable,’ ‘Although it’s not ideal, I can still find  
something good to do for the next few weeks.’  
Now Tony needs to follow this up with some constructive plans  
with something to look forward to.  
What generally happens is that the Chimp is allowed to continue  
and gets things even more out of perspective and leaves Tony in a  
very negative place with little to look forward to. If Tony’s Human isn’t  
able to manage the Chimp then he can always call on someone to  
help. A friend who is not as emotionally involved as him will be able  
to listen to his Chimp and then give facts and truth to help to turn the  
situation into a logical one with a constructive outcome.  
The Human continually talking to the Chimp and settling it down  
is very emotionally exhausting. It is useful and powerful, but tiring.  
There is a less draining way to deal with the Chimp by using the  
Computer.  
The Computer as a powerful reminder and reference  
The problem with using the Human to keep the Chimp from acting on  
its feelings is that the Human is slow to act. It also takes a lot of  
energy to intervene with facts and truth and at the time the Chimp  
reacts we may not be able to think about the facts to settle it down. If  
we recall that the Chimp thinks quickly and is five times quicker than  
the Human, then the Human is constantly on catch-up with the  
Chimp.  
But there is an easier way to manage the Chimp’s emotional  
reaction to any situation, which doesn’t involve the Human. As we  
have seen, the Computer thinks at twenty times the speed of the  
Human and four times the speed of the Chimp. Consequently, if we  
can get the Computer to act before the Chimp thinks then we will  
avoid the battle between the Human and the Chimp. In order to do  
this you need to have thought through what situations might happen  
and have a response programmed into the Computer ready to act.  
Let’s use road rage again as the example. Somebody cuts in front  
of you on the road.  
The Chimp says: ‘This is a deliberate invasion of my territory and  
a challenge. I must fight back and win.’  
The Human says: ‘This is a rude person or someone who has  
misjudged what they are doing. Either way, I don’t want to be  
bothered by trivia, as it is really unimportant.’  
If the Computer receives these inputs it will go with the Chimp, as  
the Chimp is the strongest. Therefore the person will begin the  
battle. The battle usually isn’t of any use and typically leaves the  
person frustrated. The Computer registers this.  
The next time it happens the Computer reminds the Chimp that  
the battle isn’t very helpful but the Chimp still doesn’t listen and  
repeats the same behaviour of reacting aggressively. If the battle  
ends in an aggressive confrontation where the Chimp gets hurt, then  
the Computer registers this. The next time the Chimp may still be  
angry but when it looks into the Computer, the Computer reminds it  
that it is not a good idea to fight back, so the Chimp stops. This still  
leaves the Chimp angry and frustrated.  
An alternative can now occur. This time the Human sits down and  
thinks about what road rage is all about and logically decides it does  
not want to act like a Chimp and be fooled into Chimp mentality. It  
would rather act like a civilised person and accept that we have to  
share our civilised world with some not-so-pleasant people but it isn’t  
worth fighting with them over trivia.  
The Human now inputs this Autopilot into the Computer and the  
Computer is now ready to remind both the Human and the Chimp.  
The next time that an incident occurs the Chimp immediately reacts  
but this time when it looks into the Computer it hears the Autopilot  
saying that it doesn’t help to act on primitive drives because you  
can’t win and they are not appropriate. The Chimp now either stops  
and listens to the Autopilot or it pauses, and this is enough time for  
the Human to reinforce this message and take over the thinking. The  
Chimp now relaxes and the Human drives on.  
In Tony’s situation he broke his leg and began to react. However,  
let’s assume that he has got the Stone of Life in place and has some  
truths that he has decided to live with. In these truths he has the  
following absolute beliefs that include:  
• I am an adult and I can deal with any situation.  
• Life is not fair.  
• Everything that happens comes and goes.  
• Disappointments are tough but they need to be kept in perspective.  
• Happiness can be found in many ways.  
• It’s the way you deal with things, not what happens, that gives  
peace of mind.  
• Every day is precious.  
If he really believes these truths, then when the Chimp gets the bad  
news it will look straight into the Computer and find them. Remember  
that this is what the Chimp and Human do every time they receive  
information. They first check with the Computer before reacting. This  
will happen so quickly that Tony himself may not even be aware that  
it has happened. He may just experience calmness in dealing with  
the situation. On a brain scanner the speed of these reactions is  
estimated at less than 0.02 of a second! If we rehearse our beliefs  
and truths regularly then the Computer will stop the Chimp from  
reacting. This takes little, if any, energy and is the best way to deal  
with the Chimp. The Stone of Life is the ultimate power source in our  
Psychological Mind.  
The Chimp checks the Computer  
Your personality  
Defining personality is never easy. We all have a good idea of what it  
is but it is hard to put it into words. Personality is broadly defined as  
ingrained behaviours and responses that are predictable in a person.  
So if someone becomes anxious every time they confront something  
new, then we say that they have an anxious personality, because  
that is what they are portraying to the world. If someone seems calm  
in every situation then we would say that they are a calm person by  
nature. So what is really happening in these people? There are lots  
of explanations and debates about this but we will use our model to  
understand it.  
Effectively, the personality that you display to the world is a  
mixture of the Human, Chimp and Computer. Humans and Chimps  
have separate personalities and they can be constructive or  
destructive, pleasant or unpleasant. Humans are not necessarily  
good and Chimps bad, but generally the Chimp is usually less  
helpful! You can have compassionate Chimps and very cold  
Humans. They are both a mixture of lots of characteristics and both  
the Human and Chimp can be constructive or destructive, and both  
can vary the presentation of their personalities from day to day.  
It is critical to understand that your Chimp’s personality has  
nothing to do with you; it is a machine that was given to you to work  
with. You may have a very different personality to your Chimp. The  
Computer merely modifies what the Human and Chimp are  
presenting, and depending on how you have programmed it, it can  
be a helpful or unhelpful influence.  
All three are independent influences and can be constructive or destructive  
Personality development through the years  
As you grew up and as your hormone levels varied, the brain went  
through many structural changes and stages of development.  
Different hormones influence different parts of your machine to start  
functioning and operating at different points in your life. The Chimp  
and the Human will begin to change and to perceive things  
differently. Perhaps the most recognisable example of this is the  
difference between a child who accepts maternal and paternal ideas,  
and a teenager whose brain naturally begins to challenge those  
ideas presented to it.  
Clearly social factors play a large part in developing personality.  
For example, gaining responsibility or independence can change  
how you present yourself to the world; your personality can  
apparently suddenly change by being asked to take responsibility for  
something. Due to the various factors influencing our lives, including  
our continually ageing brain, our personalities keep modifying,  
though our blueprint usually runs true! The Chimp and Human both  
grow up and constantly develop.  
Nature and nurture  
Chimps, Humans and Computers are a mixture of nature and  
nurture. We can define nature as the genetic package given to each  
of us at birth, inherited from our parents, which will run its course  
unless interrupted. We can define nurture as the experience that life  
gives us, and our reaction to and interpretation of that experience,  
and how it then influences us in the future.  
The Chimp, Human and Computer, with nature and nurture, interacting to give  
the final end product  
Nature  
The Human, Chimp and Computer all have inherited traits handed  
down to them. For example, the Chimp inherits various emotional  
traits, the Human inherits the ability to think logically or artistically  
and the Computer inherits the ability to form programmes for  
languages or music. These traits are of different strengths in different  
people, so those who inherit anxiety traits will find it harder to remain  
calm than those who inherit more relaxed traits.  
Nurture  
The experiences that we have in life and the way in which we are  
nurtured or react to these experiences is a learning process. Our  
parents and society clearly have a very large influence on this. The  
experiences we have may be very severe and have a great influence  
on us or they can be very uneventful and therefore have little  
influence on us. Very often the way that we interpret our experiences  
is more important than the experiences that we have.  
Generally most Chimps are dominated by nature with some input  
from nurture, whereas most Humans are dominated by nurture with  
some input from nature. Your Computer is a good mix of the two. All  
three are different and when they interact they give the final  
personality presented to the world. So, sometimes you present your  
Chimp and other times you present your Human. No wonder at times  
we feel like a split personality! The real personality, that is truly you,  
is the Human. The Chimp merely hijacks you and presents  
something that is often not what you want and indeed is not the real  
you.  
Other factors contributing to your personality  
Apart from your genes and the experiences you have, there are  
other main factors found in the Human and Chimp that influence the  
way in which you act. For example, the tenacity that you have to  
fulfil your drives and ambitions is a major factor for success and is  
part of your personality. How flexible and adaptable you are to  
different situations will also determine how successful you will be in  
your ventures. Repeated ingrained behaviours, or habits, are  
generally accepted as the way in which your personality is  
demonstrated, so behaviours are often worth changing if they are  
unhelpful!  
We have discussed the Mindset under the Computer chapter.  
Clearly the Mindset that you hold, constructed in the Computer, will  
also contribute to the personality that you have and influence the  
way that the Human and Chimp act and think. People who have a  
positive image of themselves and of others, and who live in a world  
that is perceived as pleasant, are far more likely to have the same  
kind of personality.  
Your Mindset affects the presentation of your personality  
So who are you?  
With all of these factors having varying degrees of influence on your  
final personality, how can you determine who you really are? To work  
out who you really are as a person is easy to do. If you wrote a list of  
all the things you would like to be, you may write things like calm,  
compassionate, reasonable, positive, confident and happy, then this  
is who you really are. Any deviation from this is a hijacking by the  
Chimp. This is a very important point.  
Key Point  
Remember: the person that you want to be is the person that  
you really are.  
It is vital that you understand you are simply being hijacked and  
therefore we need to just stop this. What is happening is that as you  
are trying to be you, the Chimp keeps interfering or hijacking you  
with emotion or emotional thoughts and making you present yourself  
to the world in a way that you don’t like. If the Computer has  
Gremlins in it, then even the Computer can affect you and turn you  
into someone that you don’t want to be. If you do not recognise this  
hijacking then you may become disillusioned with yourself and feel  
like you are constantly failing. This in turn may lead to you beating  
yourself up. This is such a worthless thing to do. Beating yourself up  
for perceived failure, or self-loathing, is a destructive and useless  
waste of time and emotion.  
I would like you to see yourself as the person that you want to be,  
but the Chimp and some Gremlins are stopping you. With this  
understanding you can move forward by getting frustrated with the  
Chimp and Gremlins and not yourself, and then work on managing  
the Chimp and removing the Gremlins. This is far more constructive.  
Let’s move on for a moment and forget this hijacking by the  
Chimp and look at you instead. Let’s say that on your list you have  
put honest, happy, confident, reliable, friendly and so on. The  
chances of being happy, calm and whatever other characteristics  
you have written down, even without Chimp activity, are slim unless  
you work on this. Most of us have got the capacity to be happy and  
calm but we have not developed this side of our personality. To  
develop yourself into the real ‘you’ will take time and effort. The  
characteristics that you want to flourish within you need action plans  
to bring them out. They are there but probably only come out by  
chance on a few occasions. It is time to make them come out most  
of the time. We can now address how to do this.  
Changing and developing your personality  
The question most people will want to ask is, ‘Can I change my  
personality or can others change theirs?’  
I once had a question from a colleague who said, ‘How do you  
change people?’ The answer is that I can’t. I am helping people  
manage their Chimp and adjust and maintain their Computer. I  
haven’t changed the Chimp, I can’t change the Chimp and I’m not  
even attempting to. However, when they manage their Chimp and  
maintain their Computer then the real person emerges.  
Let’s assume a miracle has happened and that the Chimp is no  
longer on the move, whatever you do. It has permanently gone to  
sleep or only offers helpful emotions. Let’s also assume that we have  
removed all Gremlins from the Computer. What you would now be is  
a more relaxed individual showing Human characteristics. However,  
to be happy means that you must cultivate this mood and to do this  
you need to define how you will make yourself happy. Likewise, to be  
calm we need plans to deal with stress and to carry them out.  
Developing any aspect of your personality will need time spent on it.  
It is easiest to work on each aspect one at a time and to monitor your  
progress.  
Developing the Human and bringing out the best in you is about:  
• Developing yourself  
• Managing your Chimp and removing the Gremlins  
• Communicating effectively  
• Having the right people around you  
• Creating a world for yourself to live in  
• Looking after yourself  
• Getting quality in your life  
If you consider these areas carefully, you will see that these are  
covered by the planets in the Psychological Universe. Therefore, in  
order to develop and bring out your true personality, you need to  
work through each of the planets and get them in good working  
order. This is why there is the Psychological Universe because it  
represents the areas in your life that you can address to gain self-  
fulfilment and to release the Human from within.  
Summary key points  
• The Chimp always interprets first before the Human.  
• The Chimp only hands over to the Human if there is no danger or  
perceived threat.  
• The Human can intervene to stop the Chimp reacting by using facts  
and truths.  
• The Computer can be programmed to settle the Chimp down before  
it acts.  
• Personality is a mixture of Human, Chimp and Computer.  
• Nature and nurture both influence your personality.  
Your Mindset affects the way that you come across.  
You can work on the Human, Chimp and Computer to adjust your  
personality.  
You are the person that you want to be but you are being hijacked  
by your Chimp into being someone else.  
Suggested exercise:  
Getting to know the real you  
Write down the characteristics of the person that you would  
ideally like to be. Now write down how you believe you are in  
reality. Get a close friend, who knows you well, to also write  
down what they think your personality is like. Now compare all  
three. See what Gremlins you can start removing and what  
Chimp behaviours you can start to manage in order to stop the  
interference from them and allow you to be your ideal person.  
Part 2  
Day-to-day Functioning  
 
Chapter 7  
The Planet of Others  
How to understand and relate to other people  
THE PLANET OF Others covers the relationships and interactions that  
we have with other people in various settings. It explores some  
fundamental aspects about people to give us a better understanding  
of them and how we can form meaningful and useful relationships  
with them.  
I was working with a man who understood the Chimp model but  
was still having trouble with his wife. He said that at times she was  
difficult with him and said some unpleasant things and then  
apologised. One day it dawned on him that his wife also had a  
Chimp that may go out of control without her approval. Her Chimp  
would suddenly take over and make remarks that she later regretted  
because she had lost control of the Chimp. He would then react to  
her Chimp’s remarks and go Chimp himself. It was their two Chimps  
 
who were talking to each other, not the two Humans. Once they  
recognised this, they were able to help each other to manage the  
Chimps and the two Humans then worked together.  
Understanding the mind and personality of  
others in your world  
It is up to you whether you want to try and understand others but it  
would ultimately be to your advantage to do so. Think about it. If you  
had a cat you wouldn’t throw sticks for it to fetch and then get  
frustrated with the cat for not responding. Who is being foolish here?  
Again, if you had a dog you wouldn’t expect it to sit around all day  
and not want to go for a walk with you. You need to understand the  
dog’s needs. So understanding the person in front of you, and  
working with realistic expectations, will help you to help them and  
also stop you getting frustrated.  
I am not proposing that we excuse everyone from all  
responsibilities but we have to live in the real world. We can’t change  
the way others present themselves to us, they have to want to do  
this, but we can decide if we want to work out how to get the best out  
of them and accept their limitations. Of course, the alternative is to  
move on if we can’t tolerate their behaviour or if we have done our  
best and we still can’t get on with them. Those who have unrealistic  
expectations of others and shout, get frustrated, angry or upset are  
unlikely to get anywhere and often end up looking pretty foolish.  
There are times when we have to work with people and can’t move  
on, so here are some ideas on how to deal with this. Very simply  
speaking, you need to discover who the person is in front of you. You  
can choose to help them to manage their Chimp and recognise  
Gremlins, or alternatively you can judge them for how they present  
themselves to us. It is your choice.  
Different physical brains  
We often make the assumption that the person in front of us has a  
brain that is wired the same as ours. Most of us have the same type  
of physical brain but there are some people who are different. As  
examples, I would like to look at two of these differently functioning  
brains. The first type is the brain of someone who has a diagnosis of  
autistic spectrum disorder. In autism, some areas of the brain do not  
function well and some areas are very highly sensitive. For example,  
a child or adult with autistic spectrum disorder has great difficulty  
reading facial expression or body language. They have problems  
understanding emotion in others and therefore may act or say things  
that seem inappropriate to most of us. If we understand that they do  
not mean offence then we can start to work with this person. We can  
help them get the best out of themself so that we can form a  
beneficial relationship with them. Autism comes on a spectrum, with  
the most severe forms easily identifiable and the milder forms barely  
recognisable.  
The frustrated father  
Some years ago when I was working in a hospital clinic, a father  
came in with his 18-year-old son. The father described his frustration  
with his son and how, although he loved him, he could no longer  
tolerate his son’s odd behaviours. The father told me that his son  
would not use common-sense and would use up an entire bottle of  
shampoo for his hair when he went for a shower. No matter how  
much the father explained that this was an inappropriate thing to do,  
still his son did it.  
The father went on to say that when he came home from work his  
son would bombard him with questions and, after answering as  
many as he could tolerate, the father would get very annoyed with  
his son and end up raising his voice and telling him to stop.  
The more we talked, the more it became apparent that the son  
had a form of autism. I explained to the father that the way in which  
his son’s brain was made up meant that the son would not always be  
able to work out when to stop actions. He would typically continue  
with these actions, such as washing his hair until all the shampoo  
was gone or asking questions incessantly. Once I explained this  
aspect of his son’s behaviour we agreed on a simple and practical  
plan of action to help both the son and father. We agreed that the  
father would only put enough shampoo in the bottle for one hair  
wash. We also agreed that when the father returned from home the  
son was allowed to ask only three questions, then he was to go to  
his room to play on his computer. This worked perfectly because the  
young man would accept rules as long as they were very clear, and  
the father didn’t get frustrated.  
The important lesson here is that we need to understand who is in  
front of us and how they think and work. If we accept this then we  
can work effectively with them but we have to be willing to look at  
people with an open mind in order to do this. In effect, our  
relationships with others are very often dictated by our expectation of  
them and our reactions to them. Autism is an extreme example to try  
to drive the point home.  
A danger to beware of  
The second example of a very different brain is that of the  
psychopath (sometimes called sociopath or dissocial personality  
disorder). Let’s dispel a common myth: not all psychopaths are  
violent and kill. Psychopaths may become violent and kill but that is  
exceptional; most psychopaths in society get on with life and do  
quite well, but they do a lot of damage to people around them en  
route. They are often, but not always, involved in criminal activities  
because they have no conscience. Interestingly there are  
psychopaths in practically every occupation – for example, doctors,  
lawyers, nurses, teachers – but they learn to contain and work with  
the brain they have got and stay on the right side of the law. The  
estimate varies, but a rough figure is that this kind of brain occurs in  
around 1 in 150 people.  
Simply speaking, the brain of a psychopath lacks the Humanity  
Centre that the rest of us have, which is in the Human part of our  
heads. The Humanity Centre contains areas that evoke such things  
as guilt, remorse, compassion, empathy and conscience.  
Psychopaths are typically just cold and calculating individuals that  
use others to their advantage. So is a psychopath really responsible  
or not for their actions? There is a great deal of argument about this,  
but whatever we believe, there is a lot of evidence that this centre in  
the brain is either absent or asleep. It is useful to recognise the  
psychopath, as they are typically destructive towards us when we  
meet them. Learning to deal with them means that we can walk  
away from an encounter without being hurt or damaged.  
If you find yourself involved with someone who you suspect of  
being psychopathic, always get advice – ask for other people’s  
opinions and find out about their past. If you find yourself on the  
receiving end of their actions, do not blame yourself, cut your losses  
and share your experiences with a friend, who you trust. You are not  
alone in having been deceived or abused. Don’t expect the  
psychopath to change – the brain is hard-wired.  
What do we mean by personality disorder?  
If we diagnose someone with a personality disorder in psychiatry,  
what we basically mean is that they have fixed behaviours and  
beliefs that are ingrained. These features can’t be changed and are  
harmful or detrimental to the person with the disorder, or they are  
harmful or detrimental to others who come into contact with them. So  
it is like an extreme form of normal behaviour that doesn’t shift.  
There are numerous types of personality disorders. These people  
are arguably not ill but have traits such as obsessional behaviours or  
impulsive behaviours that are more extreme than most of us. There  
is a body of evidence to support the argument that they have  
different types of brains or different functioning brains than a typical  
human brain.  
Different Mindsets  
We have discussed Mindsets earlier and here are two examples that  
are not that uncommon. They will demonstrate how people can get  
stuck in their behaviours and beliefs because of the Mindset that  
they hold. It helps to recognise specific Mindsets (and there are  
many of them). Many people can display some of the features of a  
Mindset rather than having the full-blown picture.  
Snow White Mindset  
This Mindset is more common in women than in men. If we take  
Snow White as being an innocent, passive victim at the hands of  
others and circumstance, who is completely devoid of any  
responsibility or accountability and has no power to change things,  
then we start to understand the Mindset.  
Here a number of Gremlins have got together and have locked the  
person’s mind into a fixed approach to life and themselves.  
Let’s name the Gremlins that work together, and then look at the  
Mindset, and then find the way out of it. The Gremlins are a mixture  
of behaviours and beliefs. All or some of the following will be found:  
• I am not responsible for my own decisions.  
• I am not responsible for my own happiness.  
• Life is really tough and life has always been tough.  
• I am a victim of circumstance.  
• There is nothing I can do to change things – ‘That’s the way it is,’ is  
a common statement.  
• Others are not helping me.  
• Others should understand me.  
• Falling apart and being helpless is part of my life.  
• The world is a harsh place.  
Snow White sufferers often make sure that you are aware of the  
above Gremlins by subtle sighs and gestures. They usually try to  
make you feel that somehow you owe them greatly and that even  
though they are suffering they will somehow get through despite your  
lack of understanding and, of course, your selfishness. They make  
sure that you know that they are heroic in managing what is almost  
unbearable to them. If challenged they either become aggressive  
and accusatory or they become suitably depressed and tearful and  
therefore use passive aggression against you (because of course  
they will point out that it’s your fault that they are depressed and  
tearful).  
Typical behaviours are shown when the Snow White sufferer has  
not got their way over something that they have probably never even  
mentioned. When the partner asks, ‘What’s wrong?’ the frequent  
answer is, ‘Nothing,’ or ‘I shouldn’t have to tell you why I’m upset.’ A  
Snow White sufferer is often quick to fall apart and cry or sulk, whilst  
absolving themselves of any responsibility or power over their own  
life. The feeling of being hard-done-by and that someone else owes  
them a favour is usually followed by acts of passive aggression, such  
as silence or refusing to communicate.  
How does the Snow White Mindset return to a healthier stance on  
life? It is tough for those who have fallen into this (and even tougher  
for those around who have to deal with it!) because getting out  
means a real change of approach to life. However, this has to  
happen if they want to escape the Mindset.  
What needs to happen is that the sufferer is helped to see exactly  
how they are working and presenting themselves to others. Clearly  
to get the best out of life you have to be proactive and make it work.  
You have to live with reality and live in the world that you have – this  
doesn’t mean being resigned to suffering. It means make sure you  
have changed all that can be changed. Also, that you have SOUGHT  
OUT and ACCEPTED help, from suitable people, who can support  
you with the changes that YOU have instigated. You can either be a  
victim in life or you can get on with it with a GENUINE smile. This is  
your choice and no one else’s. Many of us have occasionally  
developed a touch of the Snow White Mindset if we have allowed the  
Gremlins to move in – be vigilant!  
Some thoughts worth considering that might help to keep the  
Snow White Mindset from developing could be:  
• Nobody likes a victim.  
• Nobody owes you anything.  
• Everybody likes a positive-acting person.  
• Happiness is not something to be guilty about.  
• Happiness is a choice that you make.  
• Looking after your happiness is not selfish.  
• Life is what you make of it, not what it throws at you.  
• Everybody is responsible for his or her own actions and also  
attitudes.  
• Assertiveness is normal and what adults do.  
It is important to consider therapy or seek help for those with the  
Snow White Mindset because often there are underlying problems  
that need addressing. Unless you know what you are doing then it is  
risky to try to change the Mindset of a friend or partner. However, if  
you are good at choosing the right words and showing  
understanding then this could lead to unlocking the Mindset and  
disbanding the Gremlins that are dancing together.  
Alpha Wolf Mindset  
The Alpha Wolf is a dominant Mindset and is more common in men  
than women.  
The features that this Mindset displays are a mixture of the following:  
• The world is a place that belongs to them and others are in their  
world.  
• They give people a value on how they can use them to fulfil their  
own ambitions.  
• They dominate by believing that getting the best out of a situation  
means showing zero tolerance to people.  
• Compassion is seen as weakness.  
• Others’ opinions are irrelevant in most cases, as they believe that  
their opinion is right.  
• Ignoring someone who is seen as being of little value is the best  
way of dealing with them.  
• Any challenges are met with aggression and hostility.  
• Any admissions to errors, or being wrong, are merely given lip  
service and dismissed quickly.  
The Alpha Wolf has varying degrees of being a dictator or a control  
freak and genuinely believes that this is the best way forward as they  
are best at decision-making and doing things. The people who they  
hurt along the way are seen as weak. Popularity is never an issue,  
as their success and ego are paramount.  
This Mindset is often found in business and they can be quite  
high up in the organisational structure. Whilst some managers would  
be praising and helping others to fulfil their potential (thus the  
business performs well), Alpha Wolves ‘chew up’ the pack, using  
aggression to prove and use their position. Good managers will  
utilise their staff, whereas the Wolf will not delegate and will get  
irritable when deadlines are not met (usually ones they have set  
without discussion).  
In nature, the Alpha Wolf’s power is respected and feared but the  
Alpha Wolf itself is not respected. Similarly, the Alpha Wolf Mindset  
is unpopular and there is always another Wolf waiting to take over  
the prime position. Beware the Alpha Wolf Mindset – it makes people  
around it extremely unhappy and it is only a matter of time before an  
attack brings down the Wolf.  
The probability of changing this Mindset is not so good! The  
Alpha Wolf either has to recognise that they have a problem or  
realise that they are having difficulty with others, something that  
doesn’t come easily with this Mindset. Dealing with them is a matter  
of pragmatism. You either accept their ways or you get away from  
them.  
Accepting their ways doesn’t mean rolling over. It means learning  
not to personalise attacks, understanding that they are very unlikely  
to change, being assertive (which they will usually respect), avoiding  
confrontation (where you are unlikely to have a good outcome),  
staying at peace within yourself and, finally, wisely recognising when  
it is time for you to move on.  
There are lots of different Mindsets and these are just two examples  
to demonstrate how people can get locked into dancing with  
Gremlins. Understanding a Mindset helps us to understand others  
and how to deal with them.  
Meeting others  
When we meet other people there are three approaches that can  
help us to understand them better:  
• Try not to make assumptions about others.  
• Try not to have preconceived expectations of others.  
• Beware of prejudice.  
For example, if I meet someone for the first time and they are quiet  
and seem disinterested in the conversation, I may see them as rude  
and decide I don’t want to know them or meet them again. However,  
I have made many assumptions and judgements without knowing  
the full facts and taking time to find out the truth. For example, I have  
assumed that this person is not distracted in any way and that there  
is no reason why they should not engage fully with me and I have  
also assumed that they know that their lack of engagement is  
agitating me. I am sure that you can add many more assumptions!  
However, this person could have just received some bad news,  
are in pain or there may be another reason that is making them  
distant, which has nothing to do with me or the conversation. If I had  
taken time to check on the facts, then I wouldn’t have judged the  
person in the same way.  
It is always useful to remember that every person is living within  
his or her own world and at times it may not be a pleasant one.  
Finding out about the world they live in, or accepting that there may  
be influences on them that you are not aware of, can help to stop  
assumptions being made.  
Key Point  
A golden rule for understanding people and situations is to  
ALWAYS try to establish THE FACTS before you make your  
assessment.  
A word of warning: don’t base ‘the facts’ on hearsay or gossip.  
Hearsay is when someone starts telling you what somebody else  
said or thought and this then can influence your view of him or her.  
Whenever possible, get in touch with the person and ask them what  
they really said. Don’t accept information about somebody else’s  
opinion unless it comes directly from that person.  
Having preconceived expectations of people can on occasion be  
reasonable. For example, it would be reasonable to expect someone  
to be civil with you but don’t bank on it! It would be unreasonable to  
expect someone never to make a mistake. There are lots of  
expectations that we place on people that cause us to get unsettled.  
For example, having an expectation that a friend is someone who  
will never let us down or never have cross words with us is a  
ridiculous expectation. Someone who holds this expectation is  
unlikely to have many, if any, friends for long.  
Sometimes expectations can be linked to prejudice. Prejudice  
doesn’t have to be a negative belief. For example, you might believe  
that older people are wise and therefore hold a positive prejudice  
towards older people if you are looking for advice. Sadly, this  
prejudice may cause problems because although some older people  
are wise, many are not. If you meet someone and do not have any  
preconceived ideas about them, or hold prejudice or expectations,  
then you are more likely to engage constructively with them and to  
find out who they really are.  
First impressions  
First impressions are known as the primacy effect. When we meet  
someone, we pick up on many things including their demeanour,  
how they are dressed, their attitude, the intonation of their voice,  
what they say. In new situations the blood supply in your brain will be  
directed to the Chimp because there is a potential danger. As your  
Chimp meets the person it interprets these clues as to the type of  
person that you are dealing with. Research shows that if your Chimp  
gets this first impression wrong then it will take it about seven more  
meetings with that person before it changes its mind!  
If your Chimp is inflexible or holds a prejudice, then it can take  
even longer, because you are holding onto Gremlins that keep the  
Chimp fuelled up to hold that belief. This is the reason some people  
never change their first impression, even when it was wrong. For  
example, let’s say that you believe that fair-haired people are not  
very clever. You meet a man with fair hair who doesn’t understand a  
bus timetable that seems quite simple to you. Your first impression  
might be that he is not very clever and your belief is backed up by  
his inability to read the bus timetable. He meets you a second time  
and seems quite clever and he tells you that he is a lawyer. Your first  
impression was that he was not very bright and also he has fair hair,  
therefore you are surprised he is a lawyer and your conclusion is that  
you now know a ‘not very bright’ lawyer! It will take you some time  
and some experiences with him before you will think that he is  
actually very bright, but the day you met him he just happened to be  
struggling with that particular bus timetable. (We all have our  
moments!) However, because you still believe that fair-haired people  
are not clever, it is likely that you will struggle for a long time before  
you can reach a conclusion that you are wrong in this assumption  
about fair-haired people. Or of course, you might think he is the  
exception to your rule!  
The difference between the Human and the  
Chimp in using evidence  
Humans look for evidence and then draw up conclusions. Chimps  
draw up conclusions then look for evidence to support them. The  
Chimp’s error, therefore, is to make a decision on someone and then  
look for evidence to prove its point. It has self-fulfilling prophecies.  
This is purely emotional thinking.  
Why do you want to understand others?  
Before you try to understand others, first ask yourself why you want  
to do this and what you want to achieve.  
I am assuming that your Human is wanting to understand them in  
order to have a better relationship with them, which means that you  
are going to be tolerant and probably compromise, to some extent,  
some of your own requirements or demands of them. Read that bit  
again! You are going to be tolerant and compromise to some  
extent. It is unlikely that you will get to understand anyone if you  
allow your Chimp to follow its agenda. Your Chimp’s agenda is more  
likely to be about judging them and being intolerant of anything that  
doesn’t agree with your beliefs of what should happen and how they  
should be. Chimps are characteristically inflexible and highly  
intolerant of others.  
Humans on the other hand are typically tolerant and flexible and  
understanding of others. So where do you stand? More to the point,  
where do you want to stand?  
To get a better understanding of others you will also have to be  
open-minded and be prepared to look at them in a different way,  
otherwise nothing will change.  
This next point is a very important one. If you want to build  
bridges with someone then it is you that has to build the bridge.  
Don’t expect them to build it with you, because if you approach  
someone with that attitude it is very likely to fail. This is your choice  
and your decision. Think about what I am saying. If you enter a  
relationship with demands or expectations that the other person  
should do something towards this relationship then you are likely to  
have a stormy passage. It would seem reasonable to expect a two-  
way relationship, but don’t bank on it.  
I am not saying that you should do all the work and roll over.  
However, I am saying that once you expect something back then  
there may be problems. Most people will return the bridge-building  
once you start the process. However, if they don’t, then either call it a  
day or keep going without expectations or demands on them, until  
you think you have had enough. It is your decision to decide whether  
a relationship is worth investing in.  
Building a bridge means you do all the work!  
Key Point  
Successful people don’t make demands of others but set the  
scene so that the Human in others can respond, rather than  
their Chimp.  
It does take effort and patience to get the relationship that you want  
and there is no guarantee that it will work, as it depends on them, as  
well as you. Remember that when we engage with people, how we  
approach them and interact with them will affect the way that they  
will interact back with us.  
Have realistic expectations of people  
One of the worst things we can do to disrupt any relationship is to  
have unrealistic expectations of the other person. For example, it  
would be fair to expect someone you meet to show respect towards  
you by listening, being pleasant and cooperative. However, it would  
be unfair to expect them to be interested in you or in what you have  
to say, by showing enthusiasm, asking lots of questions and  
encouraging you. That would be a bonus! Check that the people in  
your world are able to be themselves and that you are allowing them  
to do this without judging them by expectations that are unrealistic.  
Here is an example to demonstrate this point. Recently, a friend  
asked me for some help with his girlfriend. He said that the problem  
with his girlfriend was her terrible time-keeping. He went on to  
explain that no matter where they were going, or what time they  
were going to meet, she would always be about 20 minutes late.  
This was driving him mad and he asked how he could help her to be  
more organised and on time. I asked if she had commented on this  
and he said she hadn’t and seemed happy with being late but, he  
continued, she does need to ‘sort this out’.  
Wow, how inappropriate were his expectations of this woman? It  
is not her problem. She has every right to lead the life that she wants  
to and if she wants to turn up late for every date, then that is her right  
to do so. He doesn’t have to stay with her, that is his decision. What  
you can’t do is to impose your expectations and conditions on to  
someone and then say that they have a problem. Of course, you can  
explain that it frustrates you and you might even want to say that you  
can’t live with it, but you can’t demand a partner to be the way you  
want them to be. The bottom line is that it is your decision to remain  
with them and to accept them as they are or to leave them and it is  
their right to act in the way that they want to.  
Have a think about key people around you and spend some time  
to work out if you are doing this to others in your life. If you have  
frustrations with people then have a look at your expectations of  
them and see if they are reasonable. Do not measure ‘reasonable’  
by your own standards and then impose them on to others because  
everyone has different standards. Measure ‘reasonable’ by objective  
measures such as ‘is this person bullying me?’ If the answer is ‘yes’  
then this is unreasonable. Clearly, bullying, intimidating and  
humiliating behaviours are unreasonable. However, how someone  
wants to use their time or chooses to behave in their personal  
relationship with you is up to them. You always have the right to walk  
away.  
If you want a painting then search for an artist  
While we are looking at expectations of others it is worth considering  
their limitations. Very often we ask people to be something that they  
cannot be or do something that they cannot do. If you want a picture  
painted then you would be wise to ask an artist or accept that the  
painting may not be as good as you would like. If you pick a person  
at random and ask them to paint you a picture it is not their fault if it  
is not good. It is your problem for asking for something they can’t  
deliver.  
A common example is that a lot of men struggle to read body  
language and it frustrates some of them that they don’t pick up on  
moods or unhappiness in people. If you have someone in your life  
like this, then it is pretty unreasonable of you to expect him to  
suddenly develop this skill. It is unlikely to happen. He doesn’t have  
the problem, it is how he is built; it is you that has the problem if you  
don’t accept this. Of course he is trying to read your body language,  
but he needs you to explain or express your feelings verbally so that  
he can understand. It doesn’t help him if you expect him to be a mind  
reader!  
Remember: if you want a picture painted find an artist. If you  
really want a partner who can read body language and is sensitive to  
your unspoken needs, then go out and find one but if you choose to  
stay with one who can’t, or possibly even won’t, then don’t complain.  
It’s your choice to accept a painting not painted by an artist!  
Being tolerant means understanding how we are all different and  
the easiest way to be tolerant is to have little, if any, expectation of  
the people that you meet but to just accept them as they are and to  
work with this. Again, you don’t have to stay with someone who  
refuses to try or who can’t meet your expectations. It is your choice  
to stay but you are being unreasonable if you complain or make  
demands of them.  
Cats can’t speak  
Imagine a scenario where a friend of yours calls you one night to  
explain that their cat is starving to death. So you ask why this is  
happening. They say, ‘Well, every night I ask the cat if it wants  
chicken or fish to eat and it just won’t answer. So it doesn’t get  
anything.’ It isn’t the cat that’s lacking intelligence! Sometimes  
people just can’t do what you are asking them to do and getting  
annoyed isn’t helpful. Think again if you are annoyed with someone,  
and check to make sure that you are not asking a cat to speak.  
At this point it is wise to remind ourselves of some obvious truths  
when it comes to expectations of people. These include:  
• Not all people are going to be friendly.  
• Some people never change.  
• Some people never understand.  
• Some people are not going to like you.  
• People and Chimps vary from day to day.  
• No one is all bad.  
• No one is all good.  
• No one is going to agree with everything you say, every time.  
The ‘one in five’ rule  
None of us likes to be unpopular or misunderstood. However, in the  
real world, being misunderstood or not liked is going to happen. If  
you took five people from the population and asked them if they liked  
you or understood you then you are likely to get the following  
response.  
One of them will love you and understand you regardless of what  
you do or say. They will be on your side.  
One of them will dislike you and not understand you, no matter  
what you do.  
Three of them will be more balanced and will weigh you up in an  
objective manner.  
This means that you really have to accept that there are a few  
million people in each of these categories, so expect to have  
enemies who are against you and don’t like you and criticise you no  
matter what you do. Often these people are very unreasonable and  
very vocal and there is nothing you can do to change this. Try to  
ignore unbalanced and opinionated criticism of you. Rather, listen to  
the balanced majority who will be supportive and have constructive  
comments, even though at times they may be critical.  
Summary key points  
• Getting the best out of people depends on how you approach them  
and what you understand of them.  
• Having preconceived ideas about people or expectations of them  
may prejudice how you relate to them.  
• The best relationships are the ones where you accept the person as  
they are and work with this.  
• Walk away from people whose behaviours or beliefs you cannot  
accept.  
• Invest a lot in those whom you care about.  
• The one in five rule means that you need to accept that some  
people you will never please and they will never like you and it may  
have nothing to do with you.  
Suggested exercise:  
Assessing your impact on others  
Your effect on others  
Ask yourself what effect you are having on others after you  
have interacted with them. Are you building them up or  
knocking them down? Are you coming across as an energiser  
or are you sapping their energies? Work out what effect you  
want to have, and then work on doing this with each interaction  
during the day. Monitor your progress by reflecting at the end of  
each day. Remember that sometimes people can be  
uncooperative no matter what you do, but count the successes  
that you have.  
Chapter 8  
The Troop Moon  
How to choose the right support network  
THE TROOP MOON represents the people that support you. It is critical  
to have the right people in your troop and also to understand what  
the consequences are of having the wrong people in the troop.  
Having a supportive troop will stabilise how you work with everybody  
else outside the troop.  
The purpose of the troop  
What is a troop?  
The troop is a small band of people. These people will help, nurture  
and develop you, but most importantly you can trust them to stand  
by you and protect you. This doesn’t mean that they will always get it  
right or never let you down. However, when your back is against the  
wall, they will stand with you.  
Why do we need a troop?  
 
Apart from wanting companionship, both the Human and the Chimp  
welcome the troop but for different reasons. The troop is something  
that virtually all Chimps need. The troop is something that nearly  
every Human would like. So there is a difference. This is important  
because the Chimp and Human select the members of the troop for  
different reasons. As they may choose different people for the troop  
there may be dire consequences.  
As well as helping you to get your troop together, this chapter will  
answer some frequently asked questions:  
• ‘Why do I always feel the need to please others?’  
• ‘Why do I worry so much about what others think?’  
• ‘Why do I always feel the need to impress others?’  
Why the Chimp needs a troop  
Let’s start with the Chimp. A wild chimpanzee belongs to a troop.  
Without its troop a solitary chimpanzee is unlikely to survive. This is  
because it would be easy for predators or a foreign troop of  
chimpanzees to catch it. If it is part of a troop then there are lots of  
ears and eyes keeping vigilance to keep it safe. Therefore, the  
instinct for a chimpanzee to make sure that it belongs to a troop is  
very high indeed. This is one of the most powerful drives that the  
chimpanzee possesses.  
The drive within your inner Chimp to find a troop is equally as  
strong and it will search for people who can act as protectors. The  
need to belong to a group is so powerful that we will often  
compromise our lives and lifestyle in order to remain as part of the  
group. Think of how teenagers act when they reach a stage where  
they decide that they don’t need adults. They typically gather  
together in groups of individuals that have similar dress or codes of  
conduct. If the leader of the group wears orange socks then  
everybody feels it is cool to wear orange socks and they all wear  
them. If the leader decides that green socks are in, then everyone  
changes to green. The group may have a struggle for leadership and  
the group frequently divides and reforms. Anyone who falls out with  
the group is usually devastated and distressed. A person that causes  
trouble in this ‘troop’ is likely to be excluded, so it is important for the  
person to conform and to be accepted. The inner Chimps therefore  
groom each other and make friends, especially with high-ranking  
Chimps, in order to be safe. They make friends by appearing strong,  
so impressing others is very important. To be excluded from the  
troop would mean almost certain death to the inner Chimp.  
With this in mind, you can appreciate how important, and how  
strong, is the drive to be accepted and approved by the troop. Your  
inner Chimp is telling you that there is danger everywhere and you  
must be part of a troop. To stay within this troop you must be seen as  
strong (and impress others at all times), you must be sure to be  
popular (keep everyone happy) and above all you must ensure that  
others think highly of you (you must care what they think). This now  
gives answers to the three questions posed at the beginning of this  
chapter. The result of this troop drive is that the Chimp puts a few  
Gremlins into the Computer. These beliefs are things such as, ‘I  
must please everybody,’ ‘I need to prove myself all of the time,’ ‘I  
mustn’t fail anything,’ ‘Everything is important,’ and so on. We  
unconsciously start to believe them and then try to live up to them.  
The troop drive is the main factor behind these beliefs but they can  
be learnt and reinforced as an unhelpful habit.  
Why the Human wants a troop  
As a Human we base our beliefs on society values. We enjoy  
sharing and working with others and most Humans want to build a  
society, where everyone is looked after, especially the vulnerable.  
The Human enjoys the company of friends and has respect and  
compassion for them. The Human would like to be popular and gain  
approval by others, but recognises that you shouldn’t be worried  
about what others think and you should not be concerned if others  
are unhappy because it is their responsibility to make themselves  
happy and not yours. So the Human actually shares a lot of the  
desires of the Chimp but for very different reasons.  
The twist to the story!  
But we have a problem. The twist is that the Human has misled the  
Chimp. The Chimp knows that most of the people it meets in its  
world act like Chimps and when people are in Chimp mode they can  
be very dangerous. It knows that in order to keep you safe it must  
reject outsiders. The Chimp knows that everyone in the world can’t  
be in your troop and that you can’t impress or please people who are  
not in your troop and are intent on criticising you.  
However, the Human brings society’s values and beliefs to the  
Chimp. The Human bases these beliefs on the principle that it is  
living among Humans and not Chimps. So the Human logically  
reassures the Chimp and says we don’t live in a jungle but a society  
and therefore we should look after everybody and please everyone  
because everyone is in our troop. The Chimp now listens and then  
makes everyone into a member of its troop. This then has disastrous  
consequences, because sadly, it isn’t a perfect world and a lot of the  
time people don’t act in Human but in Chimp mode.  
Now the Chimp is very vulnerable because it hasn’t got a  
selected troop. It will get attacked and bitten frequently by Chimps  
that are definitely not in its troop but that it feels it ought to include.  
Clearly we need to resolve this problem. Effectively the Chimp has  
been misled by the Human and got the interpretation that it must  
accept everyone into its troop. The Chimp was right originally and we  
need to listen. There are only a few Chimps in your troop (a few  
people who are truly with you). All other Chimps (people) are not part  
of your troop and they may attack with force and aggression.  
Therefore, what the rest of the world (alien Chimp troops) thinks  
about us is unimportant.  
However, we need a balance because we do live in a society and it  
would be unreasonable not to treat everyone with respect and some  
Human warmth. This balance can be struck by allowing your Human  
to make a rule to be personable and approachable to everybody.  
However, accept the Chimp’s rule that not everyone is in your troop,  
do not become personal with everybody and thereby protect  
yourself from emotional harm. This time listen to your Chimp!  
Getting the troop drive under control  
So check that you have not got an out-of-control troop drive. The  
Chimp does need to be reassured and nurtured. It does need a troop  
that it can please and it needs the troop to reassure and give  
approval back. However, if the Chimp fails to recognise who is in the  
troop, and tries to please and gain approval from everyone, then the  
troop drive is out of control. So if you are stuck with thoughts such as  
trying to keep everyone happy, always trying to impress others,  
always needing to get approval or worrying about what others think,  
then it is likely that your troop drive is out of control. Sit down and  
redefine your troop (see the exercise at the end of the chapter).  
Decide who is in it and then work to please them and get your  
reassurance from them. Other troops are unlikely to welcome you!  
Of course, it helps to be friendly towards everyone and to be civil.  
Just recognise the danger of an out-of-control troop drive.  
Selecting the Troop  
Chimp selection – who the Chimp needs in the  
troop  
Your Chimp is looking for strong individuals who can make the troop  
secure and safe. If your Chimp is a natural leader (and research  
suggests that one in four of us have Chimps like this) then it will look  
for strong followers. If the Chimp is not a natural leader then it will  
look for the natural leader or parent figure. It is no surprise then that  
most Chimps look for heroes or for those who are popular.  
Your inner Chimp is also likely to look for those Chimps with  
influence and wealth because the Chimps that possess these  
qualities are the Chimps that can boost the strength of the troop and  
offer you safety. The Human may also want to meet wealth but for  
different reasons!  
The Chimp will therefore select its members based on what they  
can offer it, or on what it can offer them in order to get Chimp  
fulfilment. The Chimp selects on looks, and frequently on other fairly  
superficial qualities. Chimps also look for familiarity. Familiarity offers  
a sense of security and reassurance. For example, if you meet  
someone from the same town as you, or who has experienced  
something similar in life to you, then your Chimp will draw you  
towards them. Your Human may have very little in common with  
them but if the Chimp feels secure with familiarity and common  
ground then it will accept them. Our Chimps will be very wary or  
reject people who are dissimilar to us or who have very different  
backgrounds. Shared experiences and backgrounds are factors that  
help us to form a troop but they may lead us to form a faulty troop.  
If we find someone we admire, or whom others hold in high  
esteem, our Chimps tend to forget about their personality. The  
Chimp might draw them into the troop, overlooking their personality.  
When we finally get to know them, our Humans may think, ‘I may  
admire their ability, but they are not a pleasant person,’ so we  
change our minds and reject them from the troop.  
Beware of allowing the Chimp to decide on the troop. Just  
because somebody lived in the same town as you, shared a similar  
experience, is admirable or wealthy, doesn’t mean that they belong  
in your troop. The Chimp works on feelings to select its troop and  
they can be unreliable. It is therefore important to realise who we are  
bringing in to the troop and why – what role do they fulfil? Remember  
first impressions are made by the Chimp and can be wrong (though  
they can also be correct). We may be excluding valuable troop  
members or including disruptive and inappropriate troop members  
Human selection – who the Human wants in the  
troop  
The Human has quite a different agenda. The Human within us  
would like to be surrounded by people of like mind, who can offer  
friendship and companionship. The Human chooses these people on  
the significant qualities that they possess that are found in the  
Humanity Centre. These qualities are things such as integrity,  
honesty, selflessness, remorse, positive outlook, a sense of humour,  
and so on.  
These people will nurture and develop us as people by  
understanding us, looking out for us and at times confronting us with  
a reality check on our outlook and behaviour. We also look for  
Humans that are reliable and predictable. Predictable Humans  
usually mean that they have good management of their Chimps and  
we don’t see their Chimp get out very often. If their Chimps do get  
out then the chances of attack from them are slim. The Human is  
therefore looking for soul mates, spiritual companions and friends.  
Getting it right and getting it wrong!  
As we can see, there are two of you trying to select your troop, the  
Human and the Chimp. The Human works with logic, and looks for  
people with Humanity and it chooses the troop members on  
significant qualities that they possess. Conversely, the Chimp uses  
emotion and feelings and looks for people who possess fairly  
superficial qualities such as looks and power. Getting the balance  
right is therefore not that easy.  
Bringing into your troop people that are going to hurt you is not a  
wise thing to do, so it is worth spending some time defining your  
troop. The troop size will depend on who is available and who fits the  
bill. Some people feel comfortable with just their partner in the troop.  
Others have very sizeable troops. It is your choice on the size of  
your troop – there are no rules.  
The problem arises when the Chimp chooses someone for the  
troop and the Human disagrees. For example, an unreliable and  
selfish person is unlikely to be chosen by the Human but if they are  
fun to be with and seen as the life and soul of the party then the  
Chimp may cling on to them. Another flaw that often occurs when the  
Chimp chooses the troop is when a person uses flattery on us. Our  
Chimps are taken in by flattery and apparently kind words, and they  
allow the person to enter the troop. In its severe form, this is not  
uncommonly seen when a person has such low self-esteem that  
their Chimp allows their partner to beat them up, physically or  
psychologically, and then remain with them. The Chimp then offers  
excuses such as ‘but they are a kind person’ and ‘you don’t know  
them like I do’. (Thank goodness we don’t.) Any woman or man who  
is being abused in this way could learn to recognise what is  
happening and work with their Chimp’s emotions and learn to build  
self-esteem and self-respect to replace insecurity. This is not an  
easy task and professional help is often needed.  
We can have friends who are friendly Chimps from other troops,  
who will not be hostile to us, but are not part of the inner circle of the  
troop. Typical members of the troop would include partners, some  
family members and close friends. We usually decide our troop  
automatically, whereas if we use a little bit of thought and care, we  
can save ourselves a lot of emotional turmoil by recognising and  
differentiating a member of our troop from a friendly person. If you  
get this wrong then this is like a chimpanzee that goes to the wrong  
troop and gets attacked and may even be killed. You may know from  
experience of a time when you have included the wrong friend in a  
close circle, who has ended up attacking you; this is why we need to  
get our troop right.  
Troops are not fixed. Members can move in and out without your  
control. Clinging on to friends, who may have moved out of the troop,  
often hurts people who do not realise this; letting go and realising  
who is in your troop at any given time is the key.  
Maintaining the troop and roles within the troop  
The troop needs maintenance. It is important that you look after the  
members of your troop. To do this, you have to recognise their needs  
and try to meet them. Each member of the troop will play a role in  
your eyes and also in the eyes of your Chimp. One of the problems  
of maintaining the troop is to make sure that you don’t impose a role  
onto someone who cannot fulfil that role. For example, most people  
have a need for a father or mother figure and their parents usually  
fulfil this. However, in some circumstances our parents are not there,  
so we impose this role onto someone else. This could be a caring  
boss or a professional figure such as a doctor or nurse. Imposing the  
wrong role with expectations on to the wrong person rarely works!  
When we impose a role on someone with an expectation of what  
they should be doing in that function and it does not get fulfilled, it  
can lead to frustration and even anger, or it can risk people crossing  
professional boundaries. Conversely, others can impose a role on  
you that you do not want. It is important that when roles are being  
established with people that you are both on the same page. This  
especially applies to partners. Trying to make them something they  
are not can be disastrous, for example, trying to give them the role of  
being your parent or child to meet your own needs.  
When roles get confused there is usually conflict. One common  
example is seen in families where there is a clash between mother-  
in-law and daughter-in-law because they are competing for the  
son/husband. The mother and wife have totally different relationships  
with the man; both are unique and both fulfil a mutually exclusive  
role. This mixing of boundaries creates competition between roles  
that does not need to exist. If you can understand the role others  
take, and the role that you take for them, then there is a much  
greater probability of relationships, family-units, work-colleagues etc.  
working harmoniously without emotional responses and clashes.  
A very important role within the troop is that of leadership. Both  
the Chimp and Human want and need a leader but for different  
reasons. The Human may want someone for support, a mentor and  
facilitator, whereas the Chimp needs a strong and dominant leader to  
protect it and lead the troop into battle. Clarify the role of your leader!  
Partners and the troop  
When two people fall in love, it can be easy for them to expect their  
partner to fulfil all of the roles in their life. This is highly unlikely to  
work. Usually a partner cannot fulfil all of our needs. There are some  
drives such as female bonding or male bonding that our partner  
cannot fulfil (unless they happen to be of the same sex). Trying to  
make one person fulfil all your needs and roles can be very  
dangerous, because if the relationship falters we are left with  
nothing. However, this is an individual decision and there are  
circumstances where it might work out.  
Summary key points  
• Establishing your troop is critical to reassure your Chimp.  
• Recognise the different ways that the Human and Chimp choose  
the troop.  
• Opinions from outside your troop are not important.  
• Clarifying the roles of those in your troop helps it to function well.  
• The troop needs time spent on it to make it function.  
Suggested exercise:  
Creating your troop  
Establish your troop  
Redefine your troop. Think carefully about who is really in your  
troop and make sure that the Human has chosen these people.  
List the members of your troop. Importantly, recognise who is  
not in your troop and whom it is unwise to rely on or open up to.  
Clarify the roles of the members of your troop  
Think about what each person in the troop is offering you and  
what you are offering him or her. Try to recognise when you are  
asking a troop member to fulfil a role that is not suitable and  
find someone appropriate to meet your needs. Writing out your  
needs first is a good starting point.  
Invest in the troop  
Once you know who the members of your troop are, prioritise  
your time to engage with them. Look after your troop, as  
neglected people often leave. Ask yourself what you have  
recently done for each member.  
Chapter 9  
The Planet Connect  
How to communicate effectively  
NOW THAT WE have looked at how the Psychological Mind works, we  
can look at how two minds interact with each other.  
An inability to communicate effectively can often lead to  
frustration and conflict; therefore it is worth investing some time in  
improving your communication skills. Let me state the obvious: If you  
don’t set time aside and work on communication then don’t be  
surprised if you don’t improve.  
Four ways of communicating  
There are four ways in which two people can communicate together.  
Each person can either be in Chimp mode or in Human mode.  
Chimp mode means the conversation is going to be emotionally  
charged and not necessarily logical. Human mode means the  
conversation will be logical and not emotionally charged. Each  
person can move between Chimp and Human mode very quickly.  
 
The ideal conversation between two people would be Human to  
Human because this will be logical and contained. The nightmare  
scenario would be a conversation between two Chimps. Here the  
‘conversation’ will be highly emotionally charged and could involve a  
lot of attacks and counterattacks. If one person is in Human mode  
and one is in Chimp mode then it is unlikely that the conversation will  
be too helpful either.  
Four ways to communicate  
The key to communicating well is to prepare yourself. So let’s first  
look at the basis for communicating and then draw up a checklist for  
preparing for a significant conversation. Finally we can briefly  
consider how to deal with unresolved conflict.  
The Square of Communication  
The Square of Communication is the basis for communicating and it  
has four corners and a centre. To promote effective communication it  
would help to remember this square.  
The ‘never-ending wrong person trail’  
If you don’t get the centre of the Square right then you are probably  
wasting your time and doing yourself no favours. The ‘never-ending  
wrong person trail’ is very common. If someone has a complaint or  
discussion involving a specific person, it is amazing that they go to  
everybody but this person to sort it out. The result is that instead of  
sorting out the problem by approaching the right person, they end up  
going down a trail of wrong people, who can never satisfy or resolve  
the situation. Hence they moan and complain to lots of people. They  
themself may now have become the problem and can quite  
legitimately come in for some criticism.  
Talking to the right person would save them a lot of time, effort  
and emotional stress. The usual reason that we don’t talk to the right  
person is because of a lack of assertiveness, so I will address this  
next.  
Assertiveness or aggression?  
Being assertive means explaining to someone else what is  
acceptable in your world and what isn’t acceptable and why. This is  
explained in a calm manner without expressing emotion. By contrast,  
being aggressive is expressing emotion and behaviours that are  
attacking in manner in order to convey your message.  
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATOR AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATOR  
Removes emotion from speech. Full of emotion.  
Chooses words carefully.  
Evokes emotion in other person.  
If you stop and think about the Chimp within the other person, you  
can easily work out exactly what emotional response they are likely  
to give to these two very different presentations. An aggressive  
approach to someone will definitely wake up their Chimp and it is  
likely to do one of two things. It will either attack back or it will recoil.  
Either way, the person will be unlikely to hear the message because  
their emotions have taken over and their Chimp will now have an  
agenda of its own. If you are assertive, then the Chimp in the other  
person is much less likely to come out and they are much more likely  
to hear the message and respond appropriately.  
So what are the simple rules of how to be assertive? There are  
three parts to being an assertive communicator, and all three parts  
must be used, in order to be effective.  
The three parts to assertiveness are:  
1. Say to the person what you don’t want, using the word ‘I’.  
2. Say to them how it is making you feel.  
3. Say to them what you do want, using the word ‘I’.  
To help to convey your message you can also add that you would  
like to be heard uninterrupted and you can state the facts as you see  
them. It always helps to thank them for listening.  
Here is an example to demonstrate how this could be done.  
Let’s assume you have turned up late for a meeting for whatever  
reason. The person you are meeting is very angry when you arrive  
and starts raising their voice, saying that you are rude for arriving  
late. Remember to remove emotion from your voice, otherwise you  
will evoke an emotional response in the other person and the  
situation will probably just get worse. It is better to wait until they stop  
shouting, because interrupting them may also make it worse. So let  
their Chimp finish its scream but don’t react to it!  
1. State: ‘I would like you to listen to what I have to say and I would  
like you not to interrupt me. Thank you.’  
2. State ‘The facts as I perceive them are that I am late and the  
reason is that I misjudged the time, and for this I apologise.’  
3. State ‘I don’t want you to shout at me.’  
4. State ‘When you shout it makes me feel intimidated.’  
5. State ‘I would like you to speak to me in a quiet voice. Thank you.’  
Notice the use of the word ‘I’. It is very important to use ‘I’ and not to  
say something like, ‘Please don’t shout at me.’ If you think about it,  
there is nothing wrong with saying ‘Please don’t shout at me.’ It may  
work well. However, assertiveness with the word ‘I’ is making a  
statement that tells somebody very clearly that you are not happy  
with the situation and that you have an opinion about it. ‘Please don’t  
shout at me’ is a request not a statement.  
If you look at the three assertiveness statements above, and say  
them into the air in a quiet but firm voice you will get the hang of it.  
Now try to say them again into the air but this time express them with  
strong emotion. This will drive home the difference between  
aggression and assertiveness. It is not what is being said, it is the  
way that it is being said. Also think about how you would feel being  
on the receiving end of the aggressive approach and what emotions  
it would evoke in your Chimp.  
So why are a lot of people lacking in assertiveness? Lack of  
assertiveness is usually based in Gremlins. The commonest beliefs  
are based on ideas such as ‘I am not as good as others’ or ‘I can’t be  
as confident as others’ or ‘my feelings don’t matter’. Very often the  
troop drive of needing to be accepted has turned into a Gremlin of  
belief and behaviour. ‘I must be liked’, ‘I must always please others’  
and therefore ‘I have no rights’. This is a lack of self-esteem and is  
worth addressing. If you are not assertive, but would like to be, you  
must try to work out what is stopping you. Other common destructive  
thoughts include, ‘This isn’t my world, I am in a world belonging to  
others,’ or ‘I’m not allowed to express my opinion,’ or ‘I cannot say  
‘no’ to people (because I have to keep them happy).’  
The corners  
Now let’s return to the Square of Communication and put the corners  
in place:  
• The right time  
• The right place  
• The right agenda  
• The right way  
The right time  
If you choose the wrong time, for example when the person can’t  
listen to you or the conversation has to be rushed, then the  
communication is less likely to work. We also need the right amount  
of time to get our points across. Getting this aspect wrong only  
compounds issues and makes them worse, as we feel frustrated by  
only partly addressing the issues and agendas. Make sure you have  
the right amount of time to listen to the other person and express  
what you want to because if you don’t have time it may be more  
difficult to return to the conversation later. It also helps to make sure  
the time is right within the context of events. Sometimes keeping  
quiet until things settle can be very helpful.  
The right place  
If we get the wrong place (too noisy or busy) then it is hard to  
concentrate on what the message is. It also agitates both Chimps  
and this is not good news! Also make sure that if the conversation is  
a difficult one that the place is private enough to do this. It isn’t  
helpful to have someone nearby eavesdropping on your  
conversation if you are talking about something very personal. A  
neutral place, which is not on either person’s territory, is often the  
best location.  
The right agenda  
There are often two flaws to getting the right agenda. One is that we  
go in with a hidden agenda; the other is that we address the wrong  
agenda by getting distracted and moving from the point. This leaves  
people frustrated and still feeling agitated.  
Getting the right agenda clear in your mind is very important  
because if you aren’t entirely certain about what it is that you want to  
discuss then the chances of success are diminished. It is also very  
easy to get distracted and taken onto another agenda. Try to  
recognise this and stick to your original agenda. It is helpful to state  
what your agenda is at the start of the conversation – even have it  
written down to remind you. (Don’t forget that the other person may  
have an agenda and it is useful to ask them before you start.) Be  
sure that you address what is on your mind and don’t dress it up and  
then present something else because the true agenda is too difficult  
to address. It is obvious that this is likely to lead to confusion and  
frustration in the long run.  
The most significant point to establishing your agenda is to  
recognise that there are two of you entering the conversation:  
yourself and your Chimp.  
The Chimp’s agenda  
The Chimp’s agenda is based on emotion and typically has a ‘win or  
lose’ mentality. This refers back to jungle rules and is either black or  
white; there is no middle ground. So as far as the Chimp is  
concerned, it will come out of the conversation as having either won  
or lost. The Chimp will want to express its emotion and it will attack  
any fault in the other person and also defend itself against any  
possible criticism or even perceived criticism. It will also want to  
come out looking good and being innocent. If it isn’t innocent then it  
will want to justify why it was provoked or put into an impossible  
situation and thereby justify anything it did say or do.  
Frank and Peter and the four agendas  
Frank and Peter are neighbours and about to meet to discuss a  
hedge that Frank owns that is cutting light out of Peter’s garden.  
Let’s begin by looking at Frank, and divide up his mind into the  
Chimp and the Human. The Human will want to have a peaceful  
resolution and leave the conversation with both men happy. The  
Human will understand that there may need to be a compromise and  
also a need to keep things in perspective. So although Frank might  
like the tall hedge he might reasonably see that this is fairly  
unpleasant for his neighbour.  
However, Frank’s Chimp will have none of this. If it is a typical  
Chimp it will already have decided that the hedge represents its  
territory and it has no intention of conceding. His Chimp will see the  
fact that Peter is approaching him as a challenge to his power, ego  
and dominance. Therefore the Chimp must see the conversation as  
case of winning or losing. There will be little compromise and no  
backing down. It will just be a case of selecting the right facts to  
support the Chimp’s beliefs and sticking to them. If necessary, using  
emotional threats or body posturing to gain dominance.  
Chimps and Humans fight for control  
Peter will also approach the conversation with two minds. The  
Human will probably have a similar agenda to Frank’s Human and  
want a compromise and amicable discussion. The Human will want  
to hear the other person’s viewpoint, try to understand it, and then if  
necessary, change his own stance. However, the Chimp will be  
ready to do battle, see the hedge as an affront to its territorial rights  
and also that another Chimp is dominating it. With this interpretation  
of what might typically be happening in the minds of the two men, we  
can see that unless they recognise the different agendas, it could go  
horrendously wrong by their Chimps hijacking them.  
Common Chimp agendas  
A Chimp will want to:  
• Win  
• Express emotion  
• Attack the other person  
• Defend itself  
• Get its point across  
• Not give way or change stance  
• Come out looking good and being innocent  
• If guilty, use excuses of being provoked and being a victim  
The way in which the Chimp will do this is to try to dominate the  
other person by speaking first and shouting above them. It will use  
words and behaviours to do this. It will not usually listen to the other  
person but just wait until it can get its point across. It will not change  
its stance but refer everything to where it stands and what it  
believes. It will have great difficulty in changing either its stance or  
beliefs, because in the eyes of the Chimp this will be seen as losing  
the battle, which it has no intention of doing! So it won’t give way.  
The Chimp will focus on the problem and how it feels and not on the  
solution.  
Chimp’s method  
In a confrontational situation, a Chimp will:  
• Shout and be emotional  
• Interrupt inappropriately  
• Use emotive words  
• Dominate with speed and volume  
• Dominate and intimidate with body language  
• Focus on the problem  
• Work on feelings  
• Be devious if necessary  
The Human’s agenda  
Conversely, the Human’s agenda is not to ‘win or lose’ but to reach a  
sensible outcome where both people are happy and satisfied. The  
Human doesn’t work in black or white but typically works with shades  
of grey. The Human accepts that it may be wrong or there may be a  
different explanation. So the Human can change its stance and  
wants to listen to make sure it has understood the situation properly.  
Therefore, the Human looks outside of itself to other people or the  
law, to discover what is correct, factual and acceptable. The Human  
might not necessarily agree with that ruling, but it can accept it. The  
Human can give way by realising that an opinion is only an opinion, it  
doesn’t mean someone has won and someone has lost. The Human  
will do this by containing emotion and listening to the other person  
FIRST and seeing their point of view. The Human will focus on the  
solution and not on the problem. The Human speaks slowly and  
calmly, and tries to understand the other person by listening to them.  
Common Human agendas  
A Human will try to:  
• Understand the other person first  
• Allow the other person expression  
• Gather all the information by listening  
• Look for a solution  
• Use facts not feelings or impressions  
Human’s method  
In a confrontational situation, the Human will try to:  
• Remain calm  
• Use ‘gentle’ non-emotional words  
• Listen first  
• See a different point of view  
• Be open to changing stance  
• Recognise opinions are not facts  
• Reason and discuss  
• Find common ground  
• Use reasoning to try and reach a joint decision  
• Compromise to try and satisfy everybody  
• Accept differences  
You have a choice  
What typically happens, if we let nature run its course, is that the two  
Chimps do battle first and a lot of unpleasant exchange takes place.  
Then, when they have calmed down and if not too much damage  
has been done, the two Humans take over and try to reach a  
solution that both are happy with. At any point while the two Humans  
are having a constructive conversation, one or both Chimps can  
wake up and start the attack again and destroy the conversation.  
The most constructive way to have the conversation is for each  
Human to first have a discussion with their own Chimp and find out  
what it wants to say and why. Then for each Human to tell their own  
Chimp that some of what they want is destructive and not going to  
happen and some of what they want is reasonable. The Human will  
then represent the Chimp’s reasonable points and will do this in a  
constructive manner to get a good outcome. This is the ideal first  
step to approaching a difficult conversation but it is unlikely to  
happen! This is because most people don’t recognise that they even  
have a Chimp, or they may recognise it, but still choose to let the  
Chimp have its say, rather than be represented by the Human.  
The right way  
Before you decide on having a conversation just consider if it could  
be better to communicate via letter or email? Although there may be  
disadvantages to doing this, there are two clear advantages. The  
first is that it gives you time to construct carefully what you have to  
say and the second is that it also gives the person time to think and  
digest what you have said before responding. On some occasions it  
could be appropriate to communicate via a third party.  
Assuming that you have decided to have a face-to-face  
conversation with the person, then let’s look at how you can go  
about this in the right way. Think about how you are going to  
approach and work through the conversation. Before you begin, you  
must get into the right frame of mind by making sure the right way is  
the Human way of conducting the conversation.  
Key Point  
Preparing yourself is the best thing that you can do to enhance  
your chances of success in an important conversation.  
The presentation and packaging of  
communication  
How we present our message is critical to a successful outcome. It is  
a bit like selling a product or offering a gift. So much can depend on  
the presentation and how it is packaged. It is so critical that we will  
now spend some time considering the types of packaging and the  
types of presentation that are available.  
Whenever we communicate, the message is always packaged.  
So let us say, for example, that you have been drinking a cup of  
coffee in a coffee bar and gone over to the counter to get a spoon to  
stir it with. When you return to your seat someone has taken it. You  
now want to tell them that they have taken your seat. This is the  
simple message. There are multitudes of ways in which you can  
package this. You could shout and raise your voice; you could smile  
and talk quietly; you could tower over the person to impress your  
authority; you could have eyes that are looking gentle or menacing;  
you could use ‘please’ or you may just be confrontational and start  
with a statement ‘this is my chair’. In all of these options a number of  
packages were chosen. To make it easier to work with, I will divide  
the package types up into four groups:  
• Body language  
• Intonation  
• Use of words  
• Ambience  
Body language  
There is no mystery to body language; everybody assesses body  
language every day. Research suggests that females are far better  
than males in reading a situation by using body language cues. As  
said in earlier chapters, it is our Chimps that read other people’s  
body language and they do this often without the Human even  
knowing they are doing it.  
Body language is simply the term used for a message that we  
convey without speaking. Instead of speaking we use facial  
expression, positioning and movement of our body. A simple  
example is shown when a person wants to disengage with you and  
they look away from you, cross their arms and sigh. These three  
body language signs are all very clear messages.  
Body language always has to be put in context, and cultural  
differences also play a huge part in the way we act. This topic has  
been studied in depth by various researchers and will not be  
explained here in any detail. However, it is important that we  
recognise the body language we are using, as this will definitely  
colour our interactions with others.  
Examples of body language  
If we tower over someone when talking to them, most people would  
find this very intimidating and threatening and any message offered  
might get interpreted with a negative feeling attached to it. It is the  
same as having your body space invaded. We all have a space  
around us that we feel belongs to us and if someone gets too close  
and is unwelcome then we immediately feel uncomfortable. Body  
space is different from culture to culture and person to person but  
the general rule is that we are programmed to feel comfortable at  
arm’s length from another person. Any closer leaves us uneasy  
unless we are welcoming it.  
Crossing our arms generally means that we feel attacked and  
are being defensive. It can also mean that we are being overloaded  
with information or are not sure we want the information being given.  
Then again we might just be feeling cold or cross our arms out of  
habit! The important point is that if you cross your arms the other  
person is likely to have a negative interpretation.  
When we talk to people we generally look at their face, and their  
expression tells us what the person is feeling. When we meet  
someone we like, our pupils dilate and others recognise this in us  
and feel more at ease with us. If we don’t like someone that we  
meet, our pupils tend to get smaller and again they might recognise  
this and feel less at ease with us.  
Our faces also use what are called micro-expressions. These  
are defined as facial expressions occurring in very high emotional  
states that last for less than a quarter of a second. It has been  
argued that some people can read micro-expressions and be able to  
tell when others are lying. In reality, research suggests that very few  
people can do this with any amount of accuracy. However, as the  
micro-expressions are involuntary, if we video someone who is  
talking, we can slow the frames down to watch for certain signs that  
seem to correlate with lying. All aspects of the face, involving the  
lips, eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth and muscles, are monitored.  
What we can say is that typical brains can recognise when  
someone else is showing strong emotions such as being angry,  
bored or stressed. According to some researchers, body language  
can account for over half of the message that is being conveyed and  
we read this naturally so you don’t have to learn anything! The point  
to note here is not to overrate body language, even though it is still  
worth considering how you are using your body when interacting with  
others. As body language is generally Chimp-to-Chimp, you don’t  
want any miscommunication with the other person’s Chimp.  
Intonation  
Around one-third of our communication focuses on voice intonation  
and this can be broken down into three parts: speed, volume and  
emphasis.  
Speed  
The speed of speech can portray many feelings and emotions:  
urgency, irritation, excitement, uncertainty, etc. When somebody  
speaks quickly they will alert the Chimp in the other person. The  
Chimp will interpret this rapid speech depending on what is  
happening around it. Conversely, when we speak slowly the Chimp  
is more likely to relax and therefore the Human in the other person  
will be able to respond more easily. It is also true that we mimic what  
we hear and see. If someone is speaking quickly then we are more  
likely to respond with rapid speech. If someone speaks slowly then  
we are more likely to respond in a slowed-down manner.  
Key Point  
Speaking steadily will help us to get messages across in the  
way that we intend and help the other person to listen.  
Volume  
The volume of speech has the same effect as the speed of speech in  
terms of alerting the Chimp. The Chimp will also mimic the volume  
and tone set by another person.  
I borrowed a friend’s three-year-old son for a few minutes to  
demonstrate an impressive example of volume imitation to some of  
my medical students. I simply asked the boy where he had been that  
day. We then had a conversation about his visit to the zoo and I  
deliberately began to raise my voice. The boy soon followed and we  
ended up virtually shouting at each other. It was also interesting that  
at this point he invaded my body space in order to make sure I could  
hear him from a few inches away! After being almost deafened, I  
deliberately reduced the volume down to a whisper, over a few  
sentences. Like magic, he followed me down the volume scale and  
pulled away from me. However, when we reached whispering point,  
he again moved into my body space to make sure I could hear him.  
Finally we returned to normal volume and he was none the wiser as  
to what had happened.  
Think about this when you are talking to someone. You may not  
get such a dramatic response but think what effects you may be  
evoking in their Chimp.  
Therefore the best way to get a Chimp in someone else to remain  
calm and for the Human to hear is to speak slowly and with a normal  
or quiet volume. As with body language it is important to put things  
into context. Sometimes when a person speaks slowly and quietly in  
a deliberate way that is not appropriate, it can be very irritating and  
can be a form of passive control of others. In these circumstances  
you are almost guaranteed to see their Chimps appear.  
Emphasis  
Emphasis is very interesting. Changing the emphasised word in a  
sentence can completely change its meaning. For example, take the  
sentence, ‘I think you have a very good voice.’ The meaning of the  
sentence alters by emphasising different words. Here are four  
versions.  
We only have to raise or lower our voice at the end of these  
sentences and it can change the meanings again. Generally, raising  
the voice means asking a question or challenging something but in  
some cultures it is just customary. This demonstrates that the  
emphasis in all of our sentences needs to be placed into context.  
Use of words  
The chimpanzee in the jungle uses branches, teeth and fists as  
weapons to attack other chimpanzees. If it wants to send a message  
of friendship then it might offer food or groom another chimpanzee.  
As people, we mainly use words to communicate. Words can be  
an offer of friendship or kindness but we also know that they can be  
the most severe of weapons. Make no mistake, an attack by  
words from one person to another is exactly the same as an  
attack from one chimpanzee to another, using teeth and fists,  
and the damage can be equally as savage.  
Let us look at two very different uses for words. The first use is as  
a communication tool. The second use is as a dangerous weapon.  
The first use as a communication tool requires some thought. If  
you want to chop some wood you wouldn’t pick up a screwdriver to  
do it. Picking the wrong word to use in a conversation can have big  
consequences. One of the reasons for this is that both the Human  
and the Chimp in the other person pick up the word. The Human  
hears the logical aspect of the word used and the Chimp hears the  
emotional aspect of the word. All of the words that we use have an  
emotional content attached to them. When we hear words we also  
associate emotions with them and we release chemicals in our brain  
that influence how we feel. Some words such as death and love are  
very emotive, whilst other words, such as apple and table have little  
emotional content. Of course this is a very individual thing because  
the same word can invoke a different response to different people.  
So if you said to someone, ‘I hate one of my neighbours,’ the use of  
the word ‘hate’ will evoke a response in them and also in yourself.  
The chemicals released will give you both feelings. However, if you  
had said, ‘I am not too keen on one of my neighbours,’ then you  
would have a very different response chemically within your own  
brain and so would the person that you are talking to in their brain.  
This would result in different feelings for both of you. There is a very  
different response to the word ‘hate’, compared to the words ‘not  
keen’. The words that you choose will evoke emotional responses in  
both yourself and others. If the Chimp doesn’t like the words then it  
will be straight out of its box to have an opinion.  
Choose your words carefully  
Often it may not even be others on the receiving end. A lot of people  
use words that attack themselves. If you go around saying ‘I am a  
useless person’ expect the chemicals in your head to be bad news!  
It’s your choice.  
Here are a few common examples of how changing a word can  
have a large effect on your Chimp.  
Recall from an earlier chapter how ‘should’ and ‘could’ have  
dramatically different effects on the meaning of a sentence and  
emotions evoked when interchanged. The word ‘should’ implies a  
standard or expectation. If you fail to reach that expectation then you  
have failed in your own world. The word ‘should’ is typically  
associated with such feelings as failure, blame, guilt, threat and  
inadequacy. All because we chose the word ‘should’. If you had  
chosen the word ‘could’ then this does not evoke feelings of failure  
or set standards. Instead it is associated with feelings of opportunity,  
choice, possibility and hope.  
Of course, there are times when the use of the word ‘should’ might  
be appropriate, and there are times when the use of the word ‘could’  
might be inappropriate but it is worth considering the difference when  
you do choose.  
Try looking at these next two sentences and reflect on them for  
yourself:  
• ‘I want you to make me a cup of tea.’  
• ‘I would like you to make me a cup of tea.’  
The first is a command. The second is a suggestion and request, on  
which you are free to make a choice.  
Very few Chimps like being told what to do. Nearly all Chimps like  
to be able to decide for themselves. Saying, ‘I want you to’, usually  
implies power and authority over someone else in order to give that  
command. This could lead to some resentment or confrontation from  
their Chimp.  
Think carefully about the words that you choose and the effects  
that you will evoke in others. By taking time to think about and  
sometimes change the words we use, we can alter the way people  
react to us and alter feelings we take from situations.  
A word of caution  
Sometimes the use of ‘I want’ would be correct. For example,  
when you need to be assertive, then ‘I want’ is correct.  
Assertiveness in situations is sometimes called for. If, for  
example, you wanted to end a relationship and you said: ‘I want  
to end this relationship because I don’t want it,’ there is no  
discussion because you have stated a fact.  
Whereas, if you tried to be polite, saying: ‘I would like this  
relationship to end because I don’t think it is working,’ then you  
have left the topic open to discussion.  
The point here is that there are no hard and fast rules; try  
to think a little deeper about the effect your chosen words will  
have on you, the message you are conveying and others  
around you.  
The second use of words as a dangerous weapon is fairly self-  
explanatory. Words can be very damaging and using them to hurt  
others is an attack. It is worth reflecting on this before you do  
damage to someone inadvertently. Words are weapons!  
Ambience  
The ambience of a person is a mixture of their demeanour, stance,  
mood and the way in which they interact with others. The Chimp  
works this out for us. If we get it wrong and approach a person who  
is not friendly or in a good state of mind it could have serious  
consequences. Reading ambience is very useful for us but often we  
don’t consciously think about it unless warning bells sound. The  
ambience of a person comes from both the Human and the Chimp  
and can change quite quickly.  
Recognising ambience is easy in children and dogs; they do not  
have the mask that adult humans can often use. Children and dogs  
are open and transparent; they have nothing to hide. When we meet  
a dog it soon lets us know how it is feeling and it gives off an  
ambience. It may come across as friendly and relaxed or hostile and  
agitated. Children likewise have an ambience about them that they  
do not try to hide. We soon know how they feel.  
When we pick up on the atmosphere that an adult creates around  
them and the way in which they are interacting, or not interacting,  
with us, it will evoke large responses from your Chimp within.  
Chimps must know when to approach other Chimps and when to  
stay clear.  
It is worth thinking about the ambience you have because it may  
well out-weigh any message that you are trying to get across.  
Ask yourself two simple questions:  
• What kind of ambience would you like to meet in someone that you  
have to talk to?  
• What kind of ambience, in that person, is likely to put you at ease  
and help you to listen to them?  
These two questions are almost rhetorical. It is obvious that we all  
prefer to meet happy, relaxed and pleasant people who engage with  
us and listen well.  
Ambience is something that can be chosen. Working on your own  
ambience is about making an effort to check yourself and deal with  
anything that is causing you not to be where you want to be. Often it  
means giving some attention to Chimp Management. Think about  
what ambience you present to others and then make sure it turns  
into exactly how you would like it to be.  
Key Point  
Working on your body language, intonation, use of words and  
ambience will help to significantly improve the effectiveness of  
your communication with others.  
Preparing yourself for significant conversations  
We can now pull together this chapter by looking at how we can  
employ the previous concepts when preparing for a significant  
conversation. Here are some suggestions in the form of a checklist  
with steps.  
Checklist  
Step 1: Check that you are talking to the right person for your  
agenda.  
Step 2: Make sure it is the right time to have the conversation.  
Step 3: Check that the place for the conversation is appropriate.  
Step 4: Establish the agendas of your Chimp and Human.  
You need to start by clearly defining to yourself what you want out of  
the conversation. In other words: what is your agenda; what do you  
want to leave the conversation having achieved?  
The most important thing to think about here is that when you  
enter the conversation there will be two of you trying to speak, you  
and your Chimp, and they may have very different agendas. Your  
Human will probably want solutions and your Chimp will probably  
want expression. So start by defining the agenda of your Chimp and  
also the agenda of your Human.  
Step 5: Remove the unreasonable parts of your Chimp’s agenda.  
Explain to your Chimp that it is very understandable and reasonable  
to be emotional or upset but expressing this inappropriately is  
unlikely to help in the long run. How the Chimp feels is very  
reasonable FOR A CHIMP, but it may be unhelpful. So, accept that  
the feelings that your Chimp has are normal but recognise and  
remove those agendas that are unacceptable to your Human, such  
as ‘I must win’ and ‘I must get revenge’.  
Human represents the Chimp  
Step 6: Approach the conversation in Human mode.  
You must exercise your Chimp if necessary before you enter the  
conversation. Ensure that you are in Human mode and employing  
the Human’s method of communicating.  
Step 7: Remind yourself to present the conversation with the right  
packaging.  
Before you enter the conversation think about your body language,  
intonation, use of words and ambience.  
Step 8: Help to manage the Chimp in the other person.  
When you enter the conversation it is likely that the other person’s  
Chimp will begin the interaction. Try to allow their Chimp to exercise  
and listen but don’t interact or respond to anything it says. Allowing  
them a few minutes of what might be uncomfortable comments will  
help to settle their Chimp down. As you listen to them and hear what  
they have to say, you may change your mind on the way that you are  
seeing things and appreciate that they might have some good points  
to make. Try to remember that the Chimp in most of us is not very  
pleasant at times. We usually regret what we say or what we do, and  
wish we could turn back the clock. If someone has had Chimp  
activity, and regrets this, then it may be harsh and unhelpful to hold  
them to it and remind them. At some point you have to forgive  
people for losing control of their Chimp and give them chance to  
become Human again, if you want to work with them. Notice I have  
said IF you want to work with them.  
Step 9: Find the agenda of the Human and Chimp in the other  
person.  
When the other person’s Chimp has settled, their Human can now  
begin to work with you. It is at this point that you can try to elicit what  
they really want.  
Step 10: Clarify your own agenda.  
You can now explain what you would like to achieve with the  
conversation. Remember that it is important that your Chimp remains  
silent if you want the best chance of success.  
Step 11: Agree any common ground and outcomes aimed for.  
It helps to start with things you do agree on. Also to establish what  
you agree to try and achieve before you begin.  
Step 12: Try to meet the other person’s agenda first before your  
own.  
Letting the other person achieve their agenda will really help them to  
listen when you want to cover the areas you want to talk about.  
Otherwise they may find it hard not to keep interrupting and trying to  
get their agenda heard first.  
Step 13: Try to meet your own agenda.  
Step 14: Summarise what you have agreed.  
It is best to get the other person to let you know what they have  
understood and agreed. When you do have an important  
conversation or pass a message on to someone else, it is always  
worth checking that they have received it correctly and understood it.  
It is helpful at the end of any important conversation that you take  
time to do this. The best way of checking is to ask the person what  
they have understood from what you have said to them. Everyone  
can misunderstand or not hear parts of a message, and very often  
the message or parts of it need to be repeated for it to sink in. If the  
message is very important then you can also check for  
understanding by asking the person to explain to you why you have  
given the message and why it is important. This way you have a  
chance to fine-tune any slight differences that may still be present.  
Key Point  
Never assume that because you have told someone something  
that they have heard it or understood it.  
Step 15: Smile and thank the person.  
Letting someone know that you are grateful for the conversation, and  
his or her time, is not only polite but also acknowledges that you are  
respecting him or her. People are not mind readers, and often  
damage is done not by what we say but by what we don’t say.  
Dealing with unresolved conflict  
Even with the best methods possible, conflict and differences can  
still continue. Sometimes when there is strong emotion involved it  
helps to involve a third person. The best person would be someone  
neutral to solve the dispute or conflict. When two people get into  
conflict with a difference of opinion, there are basically three levels of  
dealing with this. These three levels are negotiation, mediation and  
arbitration. The last two involve the third person.  
Negotiation  
This is the first step to sorting things out. Approach the person  
yourself and try to find common ground by listening to each other,  
respecting opinion and agreeing to differ if you can’t agree.  
Mediation  
If you can’t agree but want to sort things out, or you both find it hard  
to even sit in the same room together, then mediation would be the  
next step. Mediation is basically where an independent person,  
agreed by both of you, comes in to help you to resolve your  
differences. The mediator doesn’t decide but just facilitates the  
conversation and provides the best setting for getting what you both  
want. They are effectively a calming influence that manages the  
conversation and both Chimps!  
Arbitration  
This is the next step when you want a decision made but just can’t  
agree. The arbiter is a person, agreed by both of you, to come in and  
listen and then to be the judge with a final decision on what will  
happen. You both have to accept to abide by the decision of the  
arbiter whether you agree with it or not.  
Summary key points  
• Effective communication is critical to effective functioning.  
• There are techniques that you can develop to improve your  
communication but it is a skill to use them.  
• The skill of communication is no different to any other skill and takes  
time and effort to develop and maintain.  
• The Square of Communication has the right person in the middle  
with the four corners being the right time, place, agenda and way.  
• The way in which you package a message is critical to its success  
in being received.  
Suggested exercise:  
Effective communication and negotiation  
exercises  
Choose the right words  
Make a conscious effort to choose the right words to describe  
what you want to say. Remember that your Chimp is very likely  
to use emotional words with extreme emphasis. Try to  
moderate the words you use instead of extremes. For example,  
‘I can’t stand this music,’ could be replaced with ‘I am not keen  
on this music.’ This change of statement will evoke less of a  
change in emotion in the person listening and also in the  
atmosphere of the conversation.  
Prepare for an important conversation  
Try to follow the structure below, taken from this chapter, to  
engage in an important or difficult conversation. Remember to  
choose your words carefully!  
Checklist summary  
1. Check that you are talking to the right person for your agenda.  
2. Make sure it is the right time to have the conversation.  
3. Check that the place for the conversation is appropriate.  
4. Establish the agendas of your Chimp and Human.  
5. Remove the unreasonable parts of your Chimp’s agenda.  
6. Approach the conversation in Human mode.  
7. Remember to present the conversation with the right packaging.  
8. Help to manage the Chimp in the other person.  
9. Find the agenda of the Human and Chimp in the other person.  
10. Clarify your own agenda.  
11. Agree any common ground and outcomes aimed for.  
12. Try to meet the other person’s agenda first before your own.  
13. Try to meet your own agendas.  
14. Summarise what you have agreed.  
15. Smile and thank the person.  
Chapter 10  
The Planet of the Real World  
How to establish the right environment  
WE ARE NOW familiar with the concept that your mind is composed of  
three different working parts – the Chimp, Human and Computer.  
Each brain perceives a different world and it is important to  
understand these worlds and work with them. It is also very  
important to get these worlds, or environments, right for you, as this  
has a massive impact on your ability to function and be happy.  
As we go about our daily routines we exist in three very different  
worlds.  
Your Chimp exists in a jungle. It sees danger and territory  
everywhere and lives by the rules of the jungle.  
Your Human exists in a society with people in it, abiding by laws.  
Your Computer makes sense of both the Chimp and the Human  
perceptions, and interprets these, and comes up with the real world  
that you live in: a mixture of society and jungle that is forever  
alternating.  
There are three aspects to the worlds that you live in and each  
needs addressing.  
 
• The first aspect is to recognise the different worlds of the Chimp and  
the Human.  
• The second aspect is to make these worlds into friendly and  
appropriate environments for both of them to live in by considering  
their needs.  
• The third aspect is to merge the two worlds so that they are  
compatible with each other, which is the Computer’s world.  
The Chimp’s world  
Your Chimp enters its jungle every day with a jungle mentality. We  
know that Chimps have a strong sense of territory and of belonging  
to a troop. So as the Chimp begins its journey into its jungle it will  
look for familiarity to make it feel secure. It will search out its troop  
and it will crave routine. It will fiercely defend its territory and troop  
and it will see any advances by Chimps outside of its troop as  
potential dangers and will attack them or run away as necessary.  
Boundary disputes  
The Chimp therefore needs to know its part of the jungle and its  
boundaries. This means it needs to be looked after by recognising its  
need for structure, familiarity and reassurance. However, if it has a  
strong troop with it, then it will become confident, adventurous and  
inquisitive and is less concerned with the environment.  
The danger of the Chimp’s interpretation of being in a jungle  
rather than a society means it can use its drives inappropriately. So  
boundary disputes involving conifer hedging or rights to pathways  
can literally lead to murder. Try to recognise how your Chimp is  
interpreting the world it is living in as a jungle and then acting on this  
with the principles of the jungle. Silly disputes, such as someone  
taking your parking place, can lead to serious conflict if the Chimp  
works on the basis that its territory is being invaded.  
In any form of boundary dispute let the Human represent the  
Chimp to resolve it. Chimp mentality over boundaries can also be  
seen when it comes to job roles. If you are in dispute and your  
Chimp believes another Chimp is on its patch, then let the Human in  
you take the lead to sort it out. The problem when the Chimp leads is  
that it drives with strong, and often out of perspective, emotion.  
The right part of the jungle  
There are certain rules to follow if your Chimp is going to be happy in  
the environment. You can’t override the Chimp if it cannot live in a  
certain world. If you try to force your Chimp to live in an unfriendly  
part of the jungle then you must accept the consequences. In these  
circumstances it is very likely that the Chimp will become anxious  
and give you feelings of unhappiness and unease. The jungle is a  
frightening place, but if you put the Chimp in a part where it is happy,  
then it will calm down. This means that your Chimp must be able to  
handle the emotional environment that it is living in.  
For example, some time ago, a friend called me to ask for advice.  
She had been offered promotion and was flattered and excited by it.  
However, the new role would mean that she would spend  
considerably less time at home and also have some additional  
responsibilities at work. All I could do was to ask some questions  
and let her decide. The question that I asked, relevant to the topic of  
the Chimp in the jungle was, ‘How much emotional stress is involved  
at work and at home with the change in job, and can you manage  
this?’  
She went away to think about it and decided that it was too much  
for her to handle. She could recognise that her Chimp would never  
be at ease with the new situation and although it was flattering and  
exciting, it wasn’t sensible. She declined the promotion. One day I  
asked her how she felt about her decision years earlier. She replied  
that she was very happy because she didn’t go chasing after  
something that at the end of the day she couldn’t handle emotionally.  
Of course, she might have taken the job and then learnt to manage  
her Chimp within the new setting, but sometimes we have to accept  
that our Chimp has its limitations and only you can decide for  
yourself what these limitations are and how to get a balance in your  
life.  
A second example demonstrates something very different! A  
colleague called on me one day to express how miserable they felt in  
their current role. Their Chimp clearly wanted to move into an  
authoritative role but had grave fears and concerns in case it didn’t  
work out. When we discussed this it became clear that the Chimp  
needed help to settle the insecurity it felt and the Human needed  
help to present a rational argument to the Chimp and to work  
through any consequences the new job entailed. After some  
discussions the Chimp settled its fears and became excited by the  
prospects of a new life and the challenges it would present. The  
colleague moved jobs and the Chimp became very happy and the  
person’s quality of life improved.  
Some people spend their lives in the ‘wrong’ place. Realising that  
your lifestyle is not matching your Chimp’s needs, and doing  
something about it, is one of the keys to being at peace within  
yourself. The right part of the jungle is where your work and home  
environments are happy places to be.  
The territory itself  
Having established the right part of the jungle for your Chimp to live  
in, you need to consider what it wants within that jungle area. Here  
are a few suggestions that will keep it happy within the territory and  
stop it from wandering or becoming distressed.  
Right finances and possessions  
Learning to live within your means is an excellent way to stop the  
Chimp from fretting. Borrowing money to improve things is a decision  
you need to make with your Chimp. Some people can deal with  
borrowing large amounts of money and their Chimp will be fine with  
it, while others cannot. Therefore, if you are constantly going to  
worry about owing money, then don’t borrow. Your Chimp is telling  
you what it can and cannot cope with; take the time to realise what  
you can and cannot handle emotionally.  
Right friends  
Your Chimp will feel comfortable with some people and not others,  
so it is about recognising this and surrounding yourself with the right  
people as often as you can.  
Right job  
Even in the right job make sure the Chimp receives constant  
reassurance as to its exact role and responsibilities. It needs to feel  
competent and confident in order to perform its work.  
Right food  
The right food for your Chimp is emotional food. It needs satisfaction  
and peace of mind. Don’t give your Chimp indigestion by asking it to  
accept and live with inappropriate emotions, for example, stress or  
unhappiness.  
Right time out  
If you are not giving your Chimp enough rest then it will not be happy  
in its world. Your emotions are no different to any other part of your  
physical body. They need time out and repair time. Giving yourself  
this emotional rest is very important to your Chimp. You will  
inevitably come back feeling better.  
In summary, you need to put your Chimp in the right part of the  
jungle with the right things within it to keep it happy. If any are  
missing, it will become very unhappy and create problems for you  
until you put things right.  
The Human’s world  
Your Human lives in a society and therefore sees the world as a  
place based mainly on logic and compassion. This world supports  
the weak and the vulnerable, and gives equal opportunities to all. It  
works on the principle that within this world are law-abiding Humans  
who live fairly and morally. They experience guilt, remorse and  
atonement.  
Given these assumptions, it is no wonder that the Human  
experiences frustration and disillusionment. What Humans don’t  
appreciate is that there are lots of Chimps living in the world who  
have no intention of following any of these practices and the Human  
must come to terms with this. Once the Human accepts this then  
they must learn to accommodate it into their world without their  
Chimp getting out and taking over.  
Human environmental needs  
One of the differences between the Chimp and the Human is that the  
Human is usually keen to develop and learn, and have opportunities  
to be creative. Humans need social stimulation and intellectual  
challenges to a greater extent than the Chimp, who is more  
concerned with survival. Therefore, when it comes to the Human, it  
is not so much about nurturing the Human but developing the  
Human within you. It is allowing time for your Human to have quality  
of life. We can therefore look at the same areas as the Chimp and  
work out what suits the Human within you. Where is the right place  
to be? What finances, possessions, friends, job, food and time out  
are needed to develop your Human? But most important, what social  
stimulation and intellectual challenges have you got in place? Having  
no purpose is soul-destroying to a Human.  
The Computer’s world  
The Computer has input from both the Human and the Chimp. It is  
quite clear that there is conflict between the two worlds that the  
Chimp and Human want and believe they inhabit. There are clear  
differences in values and attitudes. They can’t both be right and  
satisfied at the same time. If we lived in one of these worlds then we  
could adapt to it. The problem is that we don’t live fully in either  
world. Somewhere in between there is the Real World.  
The Computer is receiving information from two different worlds  
The Computer records what the Chimp says is happening and it also  
records what the Human says is happening and then makes sense  
of these two inputs. An effective Computer merges these two worlds  
and helps a person to switch between Chimp and Human constantly  
throughout the day, as is appropriate. Hence the Computer helps the  
person to live in the Real World of fluctuation.  
Summary key points  
• The Chimp lives in a jungle and needs looking after.  
• The Human lives in a society and needs looking after.  
• The Computer makes sense of these two worlds and comes up with  
the Real World.  
• The Real World is a fluctuating existence between two parallel  
worlds that change frequently.  
• Living in the Real World is learning how to survive and be happy.  
Suggested exercise:  
A defined purpose  
Check that your Human has a known purpose for each day.  
This doesn’t have to be profound; it can just be a short-term  
goal to achieve. The important point is that your Human is  
aware of the direction for the day. Therefore, start your day by  
asking yourself what you would like to achieve by the end of  
the day. The goal for the day could be to complete a task at  
work, or it could be some chores at home. The goal doesn’t  
have to be work related, it could be to have a day out or just to  
socialise. The Human relishes and thrives on having a purpose,  
whether this is short-term or long-term.  
Chapter 11  
The Moon of Instant Stress  
How to deal with immediate stress  
THIS MOON IS going to stabilise the Planet of the Real World by dealing  
with instant or sudden stress.  
The purpose of, and reaction to, stress  
Stress is a healthy reaction that is meant to be uncomfortable. It’s  
nature’s way of telling you that something is wrong and that you  
need to act to put it right. Stress can manifest itself in many different  
ways such as aggression, impatience, low mood, anxiety and so on.  
These are some of the symptoms of stress. Recognising that the  
symptoms are a result of some stressor is the first step to removing  
stress.  
During stress the body releases lots of chemicals to alert you,  
with adrenalin and cortisol being two of the most important ones.  
Stress can be physical or it can be psychological. One example of  
physical stress is when we become dehydrated. The body reacts by  
 
making you uncomfortable and thirsty. You drink and this corrects the  
situation and removes the stress. Psychological stress should be  
dealt with in a similar way, so that when you experience stress you  
should search out a constructive way to deal with it properly. You do  
have a choice: either you can react to the stress or you can deal with  
the stress. No matter what stress hits you out of the blue, there is a  
way of dealing with it.  
Key Point  
Don’t just react to stress; deal with it constructively.  
When stress hits, the Chimp will definitely act first, because all input  
must go to the Chimp for screening. It isn’t possible to stop this and  
in some circumstances this could actually save your life! So the first  
reaction that you will get is a Chimp one. It is very important to  
recognise this and to accept it as normal and healthy, although  
sometimes it is not helpful. Recognising the reaction is a Chimp one  
will hopefully stop you from criticising yourself.  
Under stress, the Chimp will go into Fight, Flight or Freeze mode,  
depending on what it thinks is best. You need to recognise how your  
Chimp reacts to stress, as everyone is different. An aggressive  
Chimp that goes into Fight mode can turn its stress-related  
aggression or irritability on others nearby. A Chimp that Freezes  
under stress is just basically denying that the stress exists and  
hoping that the problem will go away on its own. The Chimp that  
uses Flight will avoid the problem, refuse to face it and run away;  
often hoping that someone else will solve it for them. None of these  
are ideal ways to deal with stress, even though occasionally they  
work!  
What we want to develop is a way to stop the Chimp from taking  
over. As the Chimp looks into the Computer before acting, we need  
to have an Autopilot, an effective Computer programme, which is  
well rehearsed and ready to run. Remember: the Computer is 20  
times quicker than the Chimp, so if the Computer is ready with an  
Autopilot then the Chimp will not get a chance to act.  
Key Point  
An Autopilot is the way to manage sudden stress.  
The things that will make you stop your Chimp in its tracks when it is  
suddenly stressed are:  
• Recognising that the Chimp is reacting  
• Slowing down your thinking (to allow the Human to get involved)  
• Stepping back from the situation  
• Getting a perspective  
• Having a plan  
An Autopilot based on these points above will help to deal with the  
stress.  
Whenever we get suddenly stressed we react emotionally and  
sometimes we have time to think and sometimes we don’t. The  
following blueprint needs modifying to suit you and your  
circumstances but the principles are the same for dealing with any  
type of stress.  
An Autopilot blueprint for dealing with instant  
stress  
There are seven steps that will help you deal with stress. We are  
going to take a look at these one by one, but here they are, in the  
order in which we will be dealing with them.  
1. Recognition and change  
2. The pause button  
3. Escape  
4. The helicopter and getting perspective  
5. The plan  
6. Reflection and activation  
7. Smile  
Step 1: Recognition and change  
You must first recognise that you are suddenly stressed. This is not  
always as easy as it sounds. The best warning of being stressed is  
the Chimp offering you feelings that you don’t like, whatever they  
may be. For example, feelings of anger, unease, stomach churning,  
apprehension and so on. As soon as you realise you are stressed,  
you must activate the Computer.  
The best way of setting off an Autopilot is to have a word or  
action to wake the Computer up. For example, saying the word  
‘change’ as soon as you get the feelings. This word will wake the  
Computer up and set off the Autopilot, which is ‘I intend to  
CHANGE my immediate reaction to stress’. So the word ‘change’  
reminds us that we are going to do something different this time and  
not just go with the Chimp and Gremlins but choose to go with the  
Human and Autopilots.  
Step 2: The pause button  
After you have woken up the Computer by using the word ‘change’,  
you must stop your Chimp from thinking and allow yourself a  
moment to calm down. One of the easiest ways to do this is to  
imagine a big pause button in your Computer that causes the Chimp  
to freeze and then press it when you realise the Chimp is reacting.  
This will allow your Human some time to get involved in the decision-  
making process for dealing with the stress.  
Key Point  
Whenever you want to stop the Chimp, always actively slow  
your thinking down. This will work in ALL situations. It is  
another excellent way to manage the Chimp.  
Step 3: Escape  
If possible, distance yourself from the situation. This helps to give  
you space. If you can do this physically then leave the area and  
gather yourself. If you can’t leave then try to relax and go into your  
own world within your mind. For example, if you are with someone,  
who has said something upsetting, then explain to the person that  
you would like some time out to think before you respond. Don’t be  
afraid to be assertive if you need time to think.  
Step 4: The helicopter and getting perspective  
Imagine you have climbed into a helicopter that has taken off and is  
now hovering above the situation. You can now look down and get  
some perspective on what is happening. Imagine your whole life as a  
timeline from start to finish and see where you are at this particular  
point in time. Ask yourself, ‘How important is this situation to the rest  
of my life?’; ‘Is this situation going to last for ever or will it pass and  
things change?’; ‘What are the really important things in my life, and  
is this one of them, or has it changed them?’  
Remind yourself that everything in life will pass. You will soon  
look back on this moment as a distant memory. Very little in life is  
important in the long run.  
Step 5: The plan  
Now move on to form a plan to remove the stress. Remember  
that you want to think with the Human so always start with yourself!  
Ask what you can do to react differently and would this help? Can  
you change the way that you are seeing this situation and would this  
alter it? Then look at the situation and the circumstances and see if  
these can be changed. What can you do practically to alter things  
and what things do you have to accept and work with?  
Always leave engaging with the other people involved until you  
have sorted out yourself and the situation. Finally, look at any people  
involved and ask if they can help you or if you can support them.  
Work out what you can control and what you can’t. Generally, you  
can control everything about yourself and reactions, you can control  
a little of the circumstances, but you can’t control other people.  
Accept this!  
Step 6: Reflection and activation  
If you have now created the time and space to allow the Human to  
think, you can reflect before acting. Ask who would you like to put in  
charge? Do you want your Chimp or your Human to think and act?  
This is a choice that you have. Activate your plan. Change what can  
be changed and control what can be controlled. Don’t sit back and  
be passive. There is nothing less constructive than a self-appointed  
victim – don’t allow it. If you really can’t manage, then call on  
someone appropriate to help you.  
Step 7: Smile  
Smile when you can. Depending on how serious the situation is, try  
to see the lighter side of it. Laugh at yourself if you have  
overreacted.  
Key Point  
Laughing at yourself, or situations, is one of the most powerful  
ways to remove stress from the Chimp.  
Clearly if the situation is very serious and life-changing, then you  
must allow yourself to grieve and you must allow yourself to receive  
the support of your friends. There is nothing wrong with grief; it is a  
very healthy way of coming to terms with disasters and heartbreak.  
An example of the steps in action  
Imagine Eddie is waiting at a bus stop on his way to an interview for  
a job that he really wants. The bus is 30 minutes late and he is  
getting anxious. The bus finally arrives but is full and passes the  
stop. Taxis rarely pass this point and Eddie’s mobile is not picking up  
a signal. The Chimp within him is now going hysterical and getting  
angry. His Chimp is taking over and responding naturally and doing  
its job. However, it really isn’t helpful. So we can now try out the  
steps to managing this immediate stress.  
Step 1: Eddie recognises that the Chimp is reacting and accepts that  
it is very reasonable for it to do this but it is unhelpful. He says to  
himself ‘Change’, a reminder that he will change his automatic  
behaviour from a Chimp reaction with Gremlins to a Human reaction  
with Autopilots.  
Step 2: Eddie now visualises a large pause button in his head and  
presses it to actively slow down his thinking to allow the Human to  
get involved.  
Step 3: In his head, Eddie retreats and distances himself from what  
is in front of him.  
Step 4: He imagines a helicopter taking him above the scenario and  
he is looking down to get perspective. Although it may be distressing  
at this moment in time he can see that whatever happens life will go  
on and whatever happens now may have little relevance in ten  
years’ time. Up in the air, above the situation, he asks if it is really  
the end of the world if he doesn’t get the job. The answer is ‘No, it  
isn’t’ and although it is very disappointing, he can deal with the  
disappointment and consequences because he is an adult Human  
and not a Chimp or child. He also knows logically that he may still be  
able to do something about the situation and must not allow the  
Chimp to think catastrophically.  
Step 5: He now goes into Human mode and asks himself, ‘What can  
I do about the situation?’ He answers: ‘I can choose the emotions I  
want and I can choose to act like an adult. Being emotional isn’t  
going to help anything, least of all me. I can’t think of anything  
practical to do at this point in time – this I must accept. I can choose  
to accept the situation rather than keep on saying “what if” or “this  
shouldn’t have happened” or even worse, “life should be fair”.’  
Step 6: Eddie decides to put his Human in charge and decides to  
actively change his emotional approach to the situation. On a  
practical point he considers his options to either wait in the hope that  
another bus appears or to go home and phone the interview  
organiser.  
Step 7: Despite his disappointment he might manage a smile and be  
thankful that the sun will still rise tomorrow. He remains focused on  
the solution and not the problem.  
Of course, you may want to react differently or deal with the situation  
differently if you were in his position. It is just an example of how it  
might go. Clearly there are endless possibilities. The main point is  
that he has decided to act as a Human and not as a Chimp and to  
choose positive emotions despite the setback.  
Choice despite seriousness  
The scenario above was not so serious but what happens if a real  
crisis occurs?  
Imagine a young man who has had an accident on a motorbike  
and has been left paralysed from the waist down. Sadly this is not an  
uncommon event. How does he deal with this type of crisis?  
This time when he gets up into the helicopter and tries to gain  
perspective the answer is not so good. His whole life has just  
changed and not for the better. It would be totally unreasonable for  
anyone to say to him get a perspective and smile. He will need to go  
through a grieving process.  
All of us respond differently to the same situation, so there are no  
rights or wrongs when responding to a severe crisis. It is about  
understanding your response and making choices about how you  
want to manage it. The simple steps described are helpful for minor  
crises and immediate and transient stress but they need modifying  
for major stress and serious incidents. Being allowed to grieve in  
your own time, and the way in which you want to do it, is very  
individual to you. It is best to work with your grief because there are  
recognised stages that you are likely to pass through and all of these  
take time. However, there will come a point when you will emerge  
from the grief and then, when the time is right, you can move on  
again. You will reach the stage where you must confront the situation  
and make a decision, no matter how hard it is. For this young man,  
the decision will be a tough one. He can be angry or upset and end  
up living a bitter life, or he can choose to move on, despite the  
setbacks, and still enjoy life with happiness and fulfilment, as many  
young people in this situation have done.  
Over the years of seeing people suffer some terrible life events  
and situations, I am struck by those who chose to make the best of it  
and come back smiling and positive. Cruel as it may seem, you are  
still left with a choice to accept and move on into happiness or  
remain where you are and live with bitterness or anger. Anger is  
usually easier to hold on to than going through grief but anger  
doesn’t help anyone.  
Diffusing stress  
AMP – the power of electricity  
Sometimes it is not that easy to move on because your Chimp will  
not agree to move on, and it won’t, unless you help it, and you give it  
a new direction. Being able to move on can be seen as a three-part  
process. I call this the power of electricity. AMP. This is the power to  
Accept, and then Move on, with a Plan.  
AMP is dealing with something unpleasant that you have to  
accept. It may be a wrongdoing or just an event that you wish had  
never happened or some emotional or physical damage.  
Accept – in order to accept something unpleasant, it helps to get it  
off your chest. This means exercising your Chimp and expressing  
the emotions that the unpleasantness has made you feel. You need  
to do this as many times as it takes and not bottle up your emotions.  
Bottling emotions (trying to box an upset Chimp) is probably the  
worse thing that you can do because it will come back to attack you  
and others. It isn’t clever; it is foolish. When you have got things off  
your chest it will ease the stress and you will start to unwind. Remind  
yourself of the first ‘Truth of Life’ and live by it – ‘Life is unfair’. Don’t  
just say it, live by it.  
Move on – decide when you think you have exercised your Chimp  
enough and want to move on. Don’t stop until you are ready to move  
on. When you are ready, ask yourself what you want to do now. You  
only have two choices: stay where you are and keep the same  
problem alive or cut your losses and form a new plan and go  
forward. It is, as ever, your choice.  
Plan – this is CRITICAL to moving on. You can’t move on without a  
plan, otherwise you will just return to the same problem, with the  
same emotions and the same situation all over again. The plan will  
take you forward and out of the cycle of trying to accept something  
that seems unpalatable. The plan must address how you will alter  
your emotions as well as practical issues.  
Always start at the starting point  
Starting at the wrong place is very stress provoking. Starting from  
where you are and what you have got and then moving forward is  
very encouraging and rewarding as you see progress towards your  
goal. However, many people start from where they want to be and  
what they want to have and then look to see how far off they are  
and become demoralised. To them, every day is measured as still  
being behind and lacking. For example, suppose you have broken  
your leg and have been told by the doctor that it will be three months  
before you can start using your leg fully again. If you accept that you  
are starting from where you are and what you have got, then you will  
say, ‘Every day I am improving and the healing process moves  
forward.’ The Human will be in charge and positive chemicals get  
released in your head.  
If you start from where you want to be and what you want to have  
then you will be saying, ‘I want to be fully well again and have no  
problem with my leg.’ Every day you will realise just how far away  
you still are and this will cause your Chimp to take control, negative  
chemicals will be released in your head that stress you and the three  
months will seem like for ever.  
If things go wrong or you have failed at something, all you can do  
is to start from where you are and what you have got and then  
begin again.  
Time travel  
One imaginative way of dealing with stress is to use a time machine.  
If you are worried or stressed about something, imagine you are  
going forward in a time machine to ten years ahead from now and  
you are looking back at the current situation. Ask yourself how you  
would have liked to have acted, and what you would have liked to  
have said. Ask yourself if getting stressed about the situation  
helped? Having established this in your mind you can now return to  
the current time and act in the way you want to.  
Some common examples of stressors  
Stress is a very individual response because we all have different  
things that stress us. These individual stresses are nearly always  
related to the way in which you perceive the situation and the  
beliefs that you are holding, which lead to an interpretation of  
threat. This is the main reason why people experience different  
levels of stress when confronted by the same problem. Ironically, the  
biggest source of stress and problems that you will face will come  
from you, and the biggest source of help for solutions to these  
problems will also come from you.  
Decision-making  
Not making decisions is one of the commonest causes of stress on a  
day-to-day basis. Learning to make decisions and sticking to them is  
not hard to do, provided you recognise that you are being hijacked  
by your Chimp when you can’t make a decision and you learn to get  
firm with it. It can help to sleep on the decision. Remember: if you  
have to make a decision and there is no more information to  
gather then the time is right to make it. It may help to explain to your  
Chimp that it is reasonable for it not to want to make mistakes, but it  
is not realistic to think that it will always make the best decisions. It  
may also help to tell your Chimp that although Chimps and children  
can’t live with consequences, adult Humans can live with them and  
also deal with them.  
Some Chimps tend to find decision-making particularly hard. This  
is normal, unless the Chimp then goes further and starts beating  
itself up with unhelpful statements such as, ‘I must be stupid,’ or  
‘There is something wrong with me,’ or any other derogatory  
statement. Thankfully, Humans are able to make decisions easily if  
they can manage their Chimps.  
Decision-making – the sweet dilemma  
Imagine you have two sweets in front of you. One is green and one  
is yellow. You are asked to choose one and there is no  
consequence. This is easy: it will take a moment to pick one of the  
sweets.  
Now imagine that you are asked to choose again but this time  
there are consequences. If you pick the right sweet you will be given  
any one thing that you ask for. If you pick the wrong sweet then you  
will lose the one thing that you love the most. Now it becomes very  
difficult to choose. The reason is obvious: because the  
consequences are severe and will have a life-changing impact. The  
stress is coming from the consequences and not the decision-  
making.  
The problem now is that logic is going out of the window as the  
Chimp takes over. There is no more information to gain and waiting  
is going to make no difference because your choice will always be  
random. The Chimp is not allowing you to choose because it is  
looking at the consequences. It will keep going over the same  
consequences and won’t allow you to move forward. Using logic, the  
Human can easily make the choice because it has reasoned that, as  
there is no more information to gather, I may as well choose and  
stop suffering and then deal with the consequences.  
In circumstances such as this, the Chimp will do two things. It will  
stop you from making decisions for fear of getting it wrong and it will  
also make the consequences seem catastrophic, even if they are  
not, in order to stop you moving. The best way to solve the problem  
is to establish a routine for decision-making so that it becomes an  
Autopilot.  
Decision-making path  
• First gather all the information possible to make the decision.  
• Accept that some information may never be available and some will  
arrive too late – so ignore this because you can’t do anything about  
it.  
• Look at the consequences of making each choice and see if one is  
serious – accept that both choices will have consequences.  
Tell your Chimp to stop making it into a catastrophe and get some  
perspective – be firm and remove or contain emotion.  
• If appropriate try laughing at yourself or at the situation – it’s better  
than crying.  
• If you still can’t decide then there can’t be much difference between  
the choices, so toss a coin and go with it and deal with the  
consequences.  
Trying to keep everything the same  
One way that stress occurs is when people do not accept that life  
and the world is in a constant state of flux, and things never stay the  
same.  
Relationships are a good example of this. Every day your  
relationship with another person changes slightly because your  
circumstances, and you, have altered a little. If you expect your  
relationship to stay exactly how it was on the day you met, then you  
may end up feeling upset or disappointed. We often put unrealistic  
expectations on relationships and don’t acknowledge that they will  
change over time.  
Jobs are similar. You cannot expect a job for life or even the  
same job to remain constant. People often get upset or angry when  
they are not offered job security or a fixed job role but this is very  
unrealistic.  
Your Chimp and its insecurity are driving this need for fixed  
elements in your life. Your Human needs to educate the Chimp. The  
main point here is that if you hold an expectation that anything  
in your life will remain constant then it is very likely to be a  
source of stress when it doesn’t. To remove stress you need to  
live in the here and now and accept that changes are normal and  
work with them for the future.  
Unrealistic expectations  
Alongside accepting that nothing is static in life is to develop realistic  
expectations of people and events. We have covered this concept  
before with the Gremlin of unrealistic expectation and it is here as a  
reminder. A common source of stress is when a person holds fixed  
expectations of what should happen or what should be done.  
Having realistic and helpful expectations of the world that you live in  
and the people that you share it with will reduce stress levels  
considerably.  
Not knowing the difference between chicks  
and goslings  
Some stress needs discovering! Picture this:  
A hen was placed in a pen along with her chicks and then a  
fox was released. The fox circled the pen to try and grab the  
chicks. The mother hen knew instinctively what to do and  
spread her wings and faced the fox. With her wings spread, the  
chicks ran beneath them and were protected. The hen then  
continued to threaten the fox by lowering her head and warning  
him with a pointed beak. The fox couldn’t get the chicks and the  
hen stood her ground. All was well and the fox was removed.  
Later that day some goslings were added to the pen. Being  
a mother hen, the hen immediately took responsibility for their  
protection and mothered them. The fox was released again.  
This time as he circled the pen, the goslings also tried to get  
underneath the outspread wings of the mother hen. However,  
there were too many chicks and goslings to get underneath and  
so many ran around blindly. The hen tried to chase after them  
to get them all under her wings but of course couldn’t manage  
this. At this point, realising that it was hopeless, she left both  
the chicks and goslings and flew to try and get out of the pen,  
leaving all of the young birds vulnerable to attack.  
There is a lesson to learn from this. When it comes to  
dealing with problems and responsibilities in life, it is very  
important to make a distinction between problems that are your  
responsibility (chicks) and problems are the responsibility of  
others (goslings). If you start taking on other people’s problems  
and taking responsibility for them, then expect to become  
stressed. Not only are you likely to fail to help others but you  
will also fail to sort your own problems out. Beware of the  
goslings in life!  
Clearly I am not saying that we shouldn’t help others but I  
am saying be careful not to start owning other people’s  
problems. For example, trying to take responsibility for  
someone who has an eating or alcohol problem is not a good  
idea, as you are trying to control an uncontrollable; their  
commitment. By all means support them as they help  
themselves.  
Summary key points  
• Have realistic expectations and remind yourself of the obvious: life  
is not fair; stress will happen; things will go wrong.  
• ‘Change’ represents a behaviour change and means that you will  
change your automatic response to stress from Chimp and  
Gremlins to Human and Autopilots.  
• Being proactive means looking ahead and avoiding obvious stress  
when you can.  
• ‘AMP’ represents Accept and Move on with a Plan and helps you to  
get over a stressful situation.  
• When stress appears, actively look for solutions to remove it.  
• Nearly all situations are only emotionally stressful if you allow them  
to be.  
Suggested exercise:  
Planning for stress  
Your well-rehearsed plan  
Write out your plan of action for dealing with sudden stress. Try  
to rehearse this by using your imagination to think of stressful  
situations and how you will now respond with your new plan.  
Work through them in your mind and also think about how it will  
all conclude with a more productive outcome.  
Practice makes perfect  
During any form of stress, deliberately practise slowing down  
your thinking as a way of managing the Chimp. For example, if  
someone says something that evokes an emotional response  
in you, try to slow down your reaction to this by using the  
‘change’ and ‘pause button’ as explained in this chapter and  
then move to calm rational Human thinking. Slowing down your  
responses will allow the Human to have a chance to operate  
and it will also prevent impulsive Chimp responses. Making this  
process a habit will establish the Autopilot in your Computer.  
Chapter 12  
The Moon of Chronic Stress  
How to deal with long-standing stress  
THIS NEXT MOON will help to stabilise the world in which you live by  
looking at how you can deal with chronic stress.  
Responsibility  
This chapter is challenging you to have a good look within yourself  
to find the solutions for dealing with chronic stress. Take  
responsibility for finding solutions to your stress. The starting point is  
to look at yourself and not to blame others or circumstances.  
What is chronic stress?  
When someone has been stressed for a long period of time they  
learn to live with the stress and it becomes chronic. The body can  
actually make changes to its systems and some hormone and  
 
chemical systems are altered. This can result in damage to the  
person’s health, resulting in a lowering of the immune system and  
illness developing. Chronic stress also quite often leads to  
depressive illness and anxiety. If you are going to look after yourself  
properly then removing chronic stress is a must. If you are seriously  
stressed then you should see your doctor for help.  
Checking for chronic stress  
The symptoms of chronic stress are easy to recognise once you  
know where to look.  
Some common symptoms of chronic stress include:  
• Constantly feeling tired  
• Short-tempered  
• Lacking a sense of humour  
• Anxious or worrying for no apparent reason  
• Anxious or worrying for trivial reasons  
• Unable to relax properly  
• Paranoid ideas  
• A sense of urgency with everything  
Tearful or depressed  
• Unable to face work or friends  
• Small tasks seem large  
• Disrupted sleep patterns  
Some of these are also symptoms of other things but if you have any  
of them constantly then you really ought to be addressing the cause.  
Some common areas to look at for preventing chronic stress are:  
• Using your time sensibly  
• Being assertive  
• Having realistic expectations  
Taking responsibility for things you are responsible for and nothing  
else!  
• Addressing problems as they occur  
• Regularly settling your Chimp down by nurturing it  
• Recognising a potential problem  
• Recognising your limits  
• Seeking appropriate help early  
Talking out stressful situations with others  
When any of these areas are out of control, you can almost  
guarantee to find a mixture of Chimp activity coupled with Gremlins.  
Preventing chronic stress from occurring  
Just as there are ways of helping to prevent sudden stress  
appearing, so there are ways of reducing the chance of chronic  
stress developing. Chronic stress occurs when we don’t deal with  
stressful situations and start to accept them as normal. This  
‘normality’ becomes an accepted way of working and dealing with  
stress but is destructive and unhelpful. In other words, we now have  
Gremlins of resignation and poor coping strategies in the Computer.  
For example, imagine a person at work who is meant to finish at  
five o’clock. One night they are about to leave and the manager asks  
if they wouldn’t mind staying on to complete a job. They agree and  
work until six. The next night the job they are doing isn’t quite  
finished, so they stay on until seven o’clock to complete it. This  
pattern now becomes an accepted norm instead of a one-off  
exception. The problem is that if the person then says I would rather  
go home and finish the job tomorrow, they start to feel guilty. Their  
Chimp is now saying, ‘You can’t let the troop down, what will they  
think?’ Well as we now know, it isn’t the troop at all. It is work and  
work colleagues. Looking after the Chimp by getting it home on time  
and looking after the real troop is more important than working to  
please work colleagues.  
However, the Chimp looks into the Computer and sees a Gremlin.  
The Gremlin tells the Chimp it is expected to work late and it is  
acceptable, therefore the Chimp feels even more pressure. The  
Chimp builds resentment as it realises it is trapping itself. Stress  
rightfully enters the picture trying to tell the Chimp to go home  
because it is in the wrong place. The Chimp, of course, remains with  
the false troop and under the watchful eye of the Gremlin.  
Time passes and the Chimp is continually stressed and sees no  
way out of this. Clearly, if we step back from the scenario, something  
must be done to stop the stress. It started because the person didn’t  
do something about the immediate stress. To remove the chronic  
stress the Gremlin must be replaced by an Autopilot, and the Chimp  
needs to be boxed with the truth.  
Dealing with chronic stress  
If you are stressed then it is useful to write down anything that you  
can see that is causing or contributing to the stress. Trying to unravel  
complicated scenarios in your head is not usually very successful.  
You tend to go round in circles, instead of dealing with and  
eliminating specific factors contributing to the problem.  
Key Point  
Write down the problems on paper and don’t try to deal with  
them inside your head.  
As a simple rule of thumb, when you have a problem causing stress,  
divide up the solution areas into three parts:  
1. Your own perceptions and attitudes to the problem  
2. The circumstances and setting for the problem  
3. Other people involved in the problem  
By looking at these areas individually you could come up with a  
number of reasons as to why the stress has occurred in the first  
place and then find solutions to remove the stress.  
If you are feeling stressed and are not prepared to change your  
behaviours or beliefs then it is very likely you will continue to be  
stressed in the future; so you are going to have to accept that you  
need to change. You also need to get rid of any excuses and  
rationalisation as to why you can’t remove stress. Sometimes no  
matter what you do, you can’t have what you want, so you must  
accept this and live with it. Some individuals can’t do this, as they  
have a sense of rights, fairness and entitlement that they cannot get  
over, and therefore live their lives in a state of constant battle against  
the world and others. Chronic emotional stress often arises from  
your own expectations and perceptions of the world, of other people  
and of yourself. Let’s look at these three potential sources of chronic  
stress:  
• Chronic stress arising from self  
• Chronic stress from circumstances or events  
• Chronic stress arising from others  
Chronic stress arising from self  
Chronic stress from yourself is usually based on Gremlin activity.  
These Gremlins are learnt unhelpful behaviours, such as poor  
coping strategies, or learnt destructive beliefs, such as seeing  
yourself as less than others. Some problems can be boiled down to  
very simple observations. Here are some examples:  
Creating your own misery  
It is very common to meet people who create their own misery and  
can’t recognise what they are doing. Eddie is rude to people that he  
meets. He then complains that he feels lonely and that no one cares  
about him, which is making him stressed. He is not recognising that  
his own behaviours are causing the problem. A simple rule: friendly  
people have friends.  
Red herrings  
Sandra is feeling stressed as she is struggling to complete a degree  
course and keeps failing exams. She says that it is because she has  
to work part-time and that the tutors are not good. This may be partly  
true, but she is not recognising that these are excuses and that she  
is either not putting in the work required and/or the course is beyond  
her capabilities and/or she doesn’t know how to study effectively. Her  
excuses are stopping her from facing the real source of the stress  
and then dealing with it. Sandra must start with herself and remove  
the Gremlins and the stress will go.  
The Mushroom Syndrome  
When you grow mushrooms they compete for the space available.  
One will inevitably try to take over. It becomes the largest mushroom,  
so when it has matured, you pick it and there is a gap. The next  
largest mushroom then takes its place and grows to fill the space.  
You pick this one and so the story continues. There is always a  
mushroom ready to grow to fill the gap.  
Some people suffer with the ‘Mushroom Syndrome’. Instead of  
mushrooms they grow worries. If there is nothing to worry about then  
they find something. They are unable to stop this very destructive  
Gremlin. It is a learnt destructive habit. It is not only tiring for them  
but also enormously tiring for others around them. This is because  
they keep making things into worries and then presenting these to  
others. Sadly the response from others is usually irritation and this  
leaves the Mushroom sufferer feeling alone to worry again and in a  
state of chronic stress.  
Recognising that you suffer with the Mushroom Syndrome means  
that you can stop this Gremlin of behaviour from continuing and  
remove it. It needs to be overwritten with a programme that  
rationalises what is going on.  
Some useful Autopilots to replace the Gremlin could be:  
• Humans learn to live with concerns but do not allow worry to take  
place, as this is an unhelpful emotion.  
• Humans accept that solutions to problems take time and worrying  
your way to the solution is unhelpful.  
• Most worries are trivial in the long run and often take care of  
themselves.  
• Worrying never does any good.  
• Worrying is an option and we can choose not to worry.  
• Learning to get perspective and to laugh at yourself is the most  
powerful thing you can do.  
• Relaxing is a powerful worry remover.  
Relaxation techniques  
These can be very helpful and you can find different methods  
online, at your library or from talking with friends and  
colleagues to hear what helped them. It is worth investigating  
these and trying them out.  
Conflicting drives from within  
A common example of conflicting drives is the working mother who is  
trying to balance work with running a family and is stressed as she  
feels she is failing in both. Here she has a maternal Chimp drive  
doing battle with a Human fulfilment desire. If this is addressed  
properly then there is no need for the battle and she can do both  
really well.  
Possible reasons for her stress could be that she:  
• is not being realistic about what can be achieved in these two areas  
of her life  
• has not got the balance right  
• is not asking the right people to help her  
• is not accepting that there may need to be a compromise in both  
areas  
• is actually doing fine but is unable to accept this, as her Human or  
Chimp is on an inappropriate guilt trip  
All of these examples demonstrate that chronic stress is often from  
within your own mind. The last one particularly demonstrates that  
there are multitudes of reasons why you might be stressed and it is  
very individual. What is important is to start by looking inwardly to  
see if you are being too harsh on yourself or you are not looking after  
yourself.  
Emotional limit and training  
Physically there is a limit to what each of us can do and we  
accept this. Emotionally there is a limit to what each of us can  
deal with and we ought to accept this too. However, just as we  
can train our physical body and improve our fitness, we can  
also train our inner selves and improve the way we respond to  
our emotions.  
Chronic stress from circumstances or events  
When events have put you into a stressful situation then it is wise to  
have a plan to address them. As always, start with yourself and  
check that you are approaching the situation with realistic  
expectations. Be proactive and change what you can, or see if there  
is someone who can help and then ask them for help. If all fails, then  
move into AMP (Accept, Move on, Plan). Learning to accept a  
situation is always going to be difficult but sometimes you have little  
choice. For example, having a bad back is a difficult problem to face  
but accepting that recovery will follow an unpredictable course, and  
working with this, is the only constructive option.  
Chronic stress arising from others  
People in our lives can cause us to be chronically stressed and there  
are lots of ways that they can do this. As always, look to yourself first  
when dealing with others, and revisit the Planet Connect chapter for  
advice on communication. Remember that the Chimp enters  
discussions with a win or lose attitude while the Human enters with a  
plan to engage. Set time aside to think through your plans and make  
sure that they are solution focused. Most people are reasonable if  
you approach them in the right way. However, accept that some  
people are not pleasant and won’t work with you to resolve any  
differences.  
Don’t forget to engage support from your troop. They can offer  
objective advice and encouragement, provided you ask them for this.  
When you cannot resolve the differences with a person, see if any  
form of mediation or support from a neutral third person would help.  
If you really can’t get along, then be practical and try to minimise any  
contact.  
What if we keep getting it wrong?  
Nearly everybody gets stressed and responds poorly to it at some  
point and most of us frequently don’t deal very well with stress.  
We’re all in the same boat. However, we can all learn to improve on  
how we deal with stress. Some things that we do create further  
stress. So here are a few of these things.  
Beating yourself up and guilt  
Never beat yourself up if you handle stress poorly. This is a useless  
and damaging bad habit. As a bad habit is just a Gremlin we can  
remove it. Try smiling, relaxing and coming back with enthusiasm.  
You can only do your best, so accept it. Beating yourself up and  
feeling guilty are two very useless and destructive Gremlins. They  
never have anything constructive to offer. Remember, if you are not  
getting it right then it is a hijack by the Chimp. It is not you failing!  
‘How’ not ‘why’  
Try not to keep asking ‘why’ and then giving spurious explanations,  
e.g. ‘Why do I feel miserable all the time?’ ‘Why’ questions can be  
useful but generally they are backward-looking and unconstructive.  
Instead ask the question ‘How’. These questions are planning  
questions and tend to be constructive. For example: ‘How will I deal  
with my own feelings and become happy?’ is a constructive question  
and much better than ‘Why do I feel miserable and stressed?’ ‘Why  
has this happened?’ could be replaced by ‘I accept that this has  
happened, now how do I move forward?’  
Talk!  
Talking through your stress with those who are able to listen and  
understand (and maybe offer advice) is a very powerful way of  
finding out what is stressing you and sharing it. This can help  
enormously in coming up with solutions. Rely on the troop; that is  
what they are there for!  
Some constructive ways to diffuse chronic  
stress  
• Learn and use relaxation techniques.  
• Be able to delegate and share problems.  
• Ask for help from the appropriate source.  
• Get perspective.  
• Look beyond the problem to solutions.  
• Be realistic.  
• Remind yourself you are in charge of your own feelings and  
direction.  
• Share your feelings with someone who cares.  
An analogy – how to catch a monkey  
Finally, one hidden cause of stress is when we have trapped  
ourselves and don’t recognise it. Here is an analogy that I hope will  
help you to see how sometimes we cause ourselves distress by not  
letting go of something or someone in our life.  
If you try to catch a monkey it is very difficult as they can easily  
out-run you, and unless you can swing around trees pretty well, you  
don’t stand a chance; so here is a solution.  
Start by cementing a vase into the ground. Now push a stone into  
the vase, which only just pushes through the neck of the vase, so it  
can’t be taken out of the vase again.  
The monkey will come along and put its hand in to grab the stone  
and try to pull it out. Of course the stone only just fitted in. Now with  
the monkey’s hand around the stone, it definitely won’t come out!  
The monkey cannot let go of the stone because it wants it. Even  
though the stone is of no value to the monkey, the monkey is not  
going to let go and remains stubborn. It is easy then to throw a net  
over the monkey, who threw its freedom away for a worthless stone.  
Think what this means to you. If you allow yourself to hold on to  
‘worthless stones’ you may end up giving your freedom away. If you  
continue to allow stress to dominate your life because you are  
clinging to things that are not good for you, then you must accept  
that you will lose your happiness. Have the courage to let go of any  
‘worthless stones’ in your life. Don’t cling on because of fear or  
familiarity or just plain stubbornness. Your freedom and happiness  
are worth more than any stone.  
Summary key points  
• Check regularly for signs of chronic stress.  
• Deal with chronic stress and do not allow yourself to accept it as  
normal.  
• Recognise your emotional limit for dealing with things and don’t  
exceed it.  
• Develop ways of dealing with stress.  
• Don’t be caught in life by holding on to a worthless stone.  
Suggested exercise:  
Remove the stress  
Meet a friend  
Be proactive and meet a friend and talk through your current  
stressors. It is best to write down the list of stressors on a piece  
of paper so that it is clear how many you have and what needs  
addressing. Having written them down, make action plans to  
deal with each one of them. Make sure you then allocate time  
to carry out your plans. It is wise to arrange to meet the friend  
again to report back!  
Lifestyle stress  
Check your current lifestyle and behaviours and see if you are  
holding on to any worthless stones. Look for these stones,  
which may be things like routines, familiar patterns of working,  
jobs, hobbies, places or relationships. In fact anything that is  
preventing you from being happy. Again using someone else as  
a sounding board is often more powerful than trying to do this  
yourself. Good friends can often offer home truths.  
Part 3  
Your Health, Success and  
Happiness  
 
Chapter 13  
The Planet of Shadows and the  
Asteroid Belt  
How to look after your health  
Malfunction and dysfunction  
THIS PLANET SYSTEM covers physical and mental health. Illness and  
poor maintenance create shadows in our lives but we can remove  
them.  
Let me state the obvious. If you have an illness this needs  
addressing, because trying to employ the Chimp model with a  
machine that isn’t working properly is going to be much more  
difficult, if not impossible.  
Malfunction means you are ill. The machine is not working  
properly and you need to see a doctor for treatment. The asteroid  
belt that encircles the planet represents malfunction and all the  
physical and mental illnesses that you can suffer.  
Dysfunction is when the machine is working fine but it is not being  
used properly or is not being looked after: it needs maintenance. The  
Planet of Shadows represents this dysfunction. We are all  
 
dysfunctional to varying degrees! This whole book is about  
minimising this dysfunction.  
Being in shape physically  
This topic is vast and cannot be covered within the space offered in  
this book. However, here are some guidelines.  
If we look at physical maintenance, it could be divided into  
nutrition, diet, weight, exercise and fitness. Without going into any  
detail, let’s look at what happens to cause dysfunction in any of  
these areas. I will take an extreme view to emphasise the  
differences.  
Your Chimp and your Human have very different agendas for any  
of the topics. Basically the Human knows what it wants in each area  
and takes great pleasure in being fit, in shape and eating sensibly.  
The Chimp, however, would rather not take any responsibility, go  
with the pleasure aspects, have immediate gratification and dismiss  
the consequences.  
The Chimp’s default here is indifference and an easy life.  
Therefore most of us who have found this to be the case will now  
have a permanent struggle trying to manage our Chimps.  
Don’t wade through treacle  
I will offer two golden rules to help you to get in shape physically.  
The first rule is not to wade through treacle. By this, I mean don’t  
start with the problems and then try to find solutions. Instead start  
with a blank slate and define exactly what you want. When you know  
what you are aiming for then state how you will do it. For example,  
state how you want to stay fit, what you want to eat and so on. Set  
down the ideal and then with this as the benchmark implement it by  
removing anything that prevents it from being reached. Wading  
through treacle is demoralising because it means looking at all the  
past failures and reasons why it just can’t happen. Wipe that off the  
slate and begin again with a plan.  
Proactive and responsive  
Successful people are proactive, in other words they have a plan.  
They are also responsive, which means that if the plan fails for  
whatever reason, they respond by regrouping and immediately bring  
in another plan. They are very resilient and don’t give up.  
Unsuccessful people tend to be reactive. This means that they  
base their plans around reacting to problems and are constantly  
trying to fight back. They see life as a struggle. Chimps tend to be  
reactive; therefore they give up easily and take the line of least  
resistance. Humans tend to be proactive; therefore they constantly  
plan.  
Fitness class  
Apply these two concepts to your physical maintenance and  
recognise the Chimp and deal with it. For example, we might say  
that you are looking at getting fitter and a lighter weight. Start by  
stating what you want. Now make a plan of action without thinking of  
the hardship. Clearly the plan must be realistic. For example, you  
march your Chimp down to the local leisure centre and enrol in a  
fitness class. You are aware that your Chimp is likely to default each  
week with a myriad of excuses, so you must have a plan to counter  
this. You might therefore speak to the instructor of the group at the  
end of the first session and say how much you are looking forward to  
seeing them next week. This comment will help to unsettle the  
Chimp, which is unlikely to want to look bad and therefore will  
reluctantly push you along to the next session. Sometimes very  
simple plans like this can be very effective. We will cover these  
topics in greater detail in the Planet of Success chapter.  
Being in shape mentally  
Humans need healthy minds. There are a number of ways to keep  
your mind healthy. Some examples include intellectual stimulation  
and challenge, laughter and fun, purpose and achievements. Making  
these happen will bring your mind into a healthy state as long as you  
don’t overdo it and stress yourself! Laughing and having a sense of  
humour can be the best tonic that you can give your mind. Try to see  
the funny side when things don’t go according to plan. Learning to  
laugh at misfortune and at your self is a learnt behaviour, a strong  
Autopilot, and one worth developing.  
Recuperation and rehabilitation  
Recuperation is possibly the most neglected aspect when looking  
after your machine. If you think of recuperation existing at three  
levels then you can see why most of us do not allow our bodies to  
gather themselves before we go back into the routine of life.  
The three levels of recuperation could be seen as:  
• Relaxing  
• Resting  
• Sleeping  
Sadly, most of us neglect all three levels. This is all about getting the  
work and play balance right. Your mind and body need to have time  
out in order to recover from the day-to-day stress that life brings. If  
you are going to look after yourself then this is a priority.  
Relaxing is about taking a few minutes out of your day to wind  
down and take a breather. Resting is about stopping for a significant  
period of time during the day, typically the evening to escape work  
and stress, and to completely unwind. Sleep speaks for itself.  
What are the consequences of not allowing yourself any one of  
these three levels of recuperation on a regular daily basis? The  
answer is frightening. Your brain will start sending the blood supply  
and all decision-making to your Chimp. It takes no imagination to  
predict what will happen. The sad part of this is that we all know this.  
Whenever we get tired we often become irritable, make silly  
mistakes and rash decisions or have unstable mood swings. So if  
this is obvious then it is incredible that we can neglect this critically  
important area of maintenance for our bodies and minds. It is well  
worth spending time on a practical plan of action to make sure that  
you get your relaxation, resting and sleeping in order.  
Recovery from emotional injury  
Everyone is aware that following a physical injury, such as a broken  
bone, there is a period of rehabilitation where you will gradually  
increase your muscles again and eventually return to full functioning.  
Emotional injury is just the same. When you have experienced a  
traumatic event, such as a loss or break up of a relationship, you  
need to have a period of emotional rehabilitation.  
The general time period for this is between three and six months  
and there are very specific stages of grief reaction that you will go  
through. Accept that it takes time to get through an emotional injury  
and don’t be harsh on yourself. Return to normal functioning in your  
own time. An excellent way to rehabilitate the injury is to talk through  
the event with friends, as often as it takes. This way the Chimp is  
being exercised and will come to terms with the injury and recovery.  
Some people find it difficult to talk through emotions or express their  
feelings. It can help to write down feelings and thoughts or to just  
take time to think them through.  
In the middle of the night  
Imagine that you have gone to sleep with something on your  
mind that is really concerning you. You wake up in the night  
and your mind starts racing. At this point the Human is fast  
asleep and the Chimp is now in full control. Therefore, your  
thinking is irrational and emotional.  
The Chimp will think and see things catastrophically and  
worry you for however long you are ‘awake’. Eventually, you  
will collapse asleep and come round again in the morning. You  
now get out of bed and wake yourself up and wonder why you  
were thinking so emotionally during the night.  
The answer is simple: during the night your brain changes  
its functioning and the Human no longer gives any check to the  
Chimp. In the morning the Human is now rational and puts  
things back into perspective. Nothing seems as bad, once you  
return to Human functioning. There is a simple lesson to learn  
and a golden rule to follow.  
The simple lesson is that, unless you’re a night-shift worker,  
during the hours of eleven at night and seven in the morning  
you are in Chimp mode with emotional and irrational thinking.  
You rarely think with perspective and this will only return after  
seven in the morning.  
The golden rule therefore is:  
If you wake during the night, any thoughts and feelings  
you might have are from your Chimp and they are very  
often disturbing, catastrophic and lacking in perspective.  
In the morning you are likely to regret engaging with these  
thoughts and feelings because you will see things  
differently.  
Try to develop an Autopilot that says I am not prepared to  
take any thinking seriously during night-time hours when the  
Chimp is in charge.  
During the rehabilitation phase, only take on what you can  
emotionally withstand and use some ‘emotional painkillers’.  
Emotional painkillers are things such as spending time with friends  
and family for support; allowing close friends to share your pain by  
letting them know how you feel; accepting help where it is offered;  
being kind to yourself; and giving yourself permission to deal with the  
injury in the way that you want to.  
Key Point  
Sometimes emotions are very irrational and you have to work  
with them rather than constantly trying to understand them.  
The Asteroid Belt  
The asteroids represent malfunction (illness)  
Just a brief word on illness: don’t forget some illnesses of the body  
disguise themselves and present as mood changes. For example,  
hormone shifts, such as pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) or thyroid  
disorders are very treatable. Trying to manage your Chimp when you  
are experiencing severe PMS or a thyroid disorder is very difficult  
and you can only really take a little responsibility for the Chimp’s  
behaviour! The only responsibility that you do have, as with any  
illness, is to get professional help.  
Mental illness  
Most mental illness occurs when neuro-transmitters (chemical  
systems) in the brain get out of balance. Neuro-transmitters that are  
implicated in many mental illnesses include, serotonin,  
noradrenaline, dopamine, acetylcholine and GABA. If you are  
suffering with any signs of illness it is very probable that this is a  
neuro-transmitter problem that can be treated. Sadly there is still a  
stigma attached to mental illness. You would not be embarrassed to  
go to a doctor if you had broken your leg, so why should you be  
embarrassed if you have a serotonin receptor problem, that we  
happen to call depression? Mood disorders, anxiety disorders and  
other states of the mind should always be assessed and treated by  
experts.  
Alcohol and drugs  
Virtually all people addicted to drugs know they have a problem and  
most people with a drink problem recognise there is something  
wrong. However, it is not easy to face this and often someone with  
an alcohol problem may live in denial. For nearly ten years I worked  
as a doctor in alcohol services and the patients explained to me that  
there was a difference between someone who is drinking habitually  
and someone who was ‘an alcoholic’. The common view was that ‘an  
alcoholic’ can’t stop once they have had their first drink. It was a  
useful point that they made. If you find you have to restrain yourself  
after one drink, think carefully about getting help. Sadly, there is also  
still a stigma about this devastating condition but thankfully there are  
whole teams of experts that can help. Most drugs, and certainly  
alcohol, can affect not only your mood state but also the way that  
you think.  
Summary key points  
• The simple message is to look after your body and mind in a serious  
way if you want to get the best out of yourself.  
• Work on maintaining your physical and mental health.  
• Make sure that you have enough recuperation: relaxing, resting,  
sleeping.  
• If you are ill, take responsibility to seek out help to get yourself  
better.  
Suggested exercise:  
Looking after yourself  
Recuperation helps Chimp Management  
Consider the time that you allow yourself to recuperate. Look at  
all three levels: relaxing, resting and sleeping, and keep a diary  
for one week to check on how much time you are allowing for  
each on a daily basis. Your Chimp is very hard to control if  
recuperation time is not implemented. Poor recuperation  
management will definitely impact on your relationships and  
work. Good recuperation management will definitely enhance  
the quality of your relationships and work.  
Chapter 14  
The Planet of Success and its  
Three Moons  
The foundations for success  
Defining success  
HOW DO YOU define success? Pause for a moment and remember that  
both your Human and Chimp will have answers and they may be  
very different. As a rule, to define success, Chimps look for material  
belongings and achievements, whereas, Humans look for personal  
qualities. For example, your Chimp may answer, ‘Being a millionaire  
defines success to me,’ but your Human may answer, ‘Being happy  
defines success to me.’ Of course the Human might argue that if you  
had a million pounds then you would be happy! Don’t be influenced  
by others, but work out what your Human and your Chimp define as  
success. Then decide if your Chimp’s ideas are truly acceptable.  
There is little point in chasing after success, as defined by the  
Chimp, only to discover, on finding it, that it wasn’t what you really  
 
wanted in the first place.  
Measuring success  
There are always different ways to measure success. For example, if  
you want to take an exam course, there are two ways with which  
success can be measured. Of course you want to pass the exam,  
however, you could approach it from different angles.  
The first measure of success is passing the exam, which is more  
likely to be the Chimp’s definition of success, to which the Human  
may agree.  
The second way might be by completing the course, or even just  
trying, which is more likely to be the Human’s definition of success.  
This is because logic says that if I have done my best I can hold my  
head up and deal with the consequences.  
If you choose the Human’s definition, then as long as you try, you  
cannot fail to be successful. Of course, it would also be great to pass  
the exam! However, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t imply anything  
more than you tried your best (and you can’t do more than this) and  
therefore you can celebrate your successful effort.  
Your Chimp will still insist this is a failure. Think carefully, you  
have a choice here. If you always wish to measure success in life by  
what level you attain, then you must accept the emotional  
consequences when you do not reach this level. If you measure  
success in life by effort and doing your best, then it is always in your  
hands to succeed and to be proud of yourself. You can then deal  
with any disappointing level of attainment as an adult Human.  
So first define success before you start on any venture and also  
work out what that success will mean to you. There are choices.  
Success can be attainment or it can be effort or it may be both.  
Success can be a material gain or it can be a spiritual or personal  
gain. Don’t forget the Chimp and Human may differ considerably in  
what they define as success.  
Partial success  
Another point worth considering is that success does not have to be  
black and white. There can be levels of success and stages of  
success with shades of grey. It may be that you can consider partial  
levels of success and be happy with these. For example, you may  
decide to attack the garden because it is neglected. So you have a  
go, but don’t manage to do it all. You can sit back, call it a partial  
success and be pleased with what you have done.  
Partial successes are often reality checks on what you can  
realistically achieve. Learning to accept that you have made a  
mistake, and rewarding this, is far more constructive than criticising  
yourself for failing to reach total success. Try to recognise when to  
accept and celebrate partial success.  
Success can often be broken down into stages and celebrated at  
each stage. Your Chimp is very good at either rushing you to  
succeed, or procrastinating and stopping you from moving.  
Recognise this and deal with it by staging success.  
The Three Moons of Success  
There are many fundamental stabilisers that you can put in place to  
enhance the chances of success. The Moons surrounding the Planet  
of Success represent three of these stabilisers.  
The Regal Moon  
This first moon is about recognising who is in charge in the different  
areas of your life and then acting accordingly. It is one of the major  
factors that contribute to increasing your chances of success.  
The problem is in dealing with differences of  
opinion  
Any system that runs effectively, involving people, will have clearly  
defined philosophies, procedures and ‘rules’. In the Human’s world  
this is no great problem because it works with logic. In the Chimp’s  
world we have major problems because it works with emotion and  
does not always abide by the ‘rules’. The problem arises when  
differences of opinion occur between people about what should be  
done and how. If we establish how these differences are to be  
resolved then we can start to function happily. Humans discuss ideas  
and typically come to a joint opinion. Chimps give opinion, criticise  
others and rarely give way. If they have to give way, they typically  
challenge and undermine.  
The Human and Chimp will both reach a settlement if there are  
clear rules and a definite agreed leader, who has the ability to make  
the final decision. Effective leaders listen to and respect the opinion  
of others.  
Therefore, what we need to do is to establish:  
• Who is in charge in any given situation in your life  
• What the rules are  
• Whether you are going to live by the rules  
We can consider any situation as having a Monarch. This Monarch  
will wear the crown and have the final say, inside a defined ‘Realm’.  
To make it simple, we will look at three different leaderships or  
Monarchs:  
You  
• Another person  
• Joint leadership  
Your Realm  
Wearing the crown  
Make sure the crown is on the right head  
There are obvious situations where you are in charge and therefore  
you are the Monarch. For example, when you are at home you are  
the Monarch of your Realm. You decide who enters and you decide  
on the rules. When you enter somebody else’s home, you have  
entered their territory and therefore their Realm, and he or she is the  
Monarch. In their home, if it were very warm, you would politely  
comment and perhaps ask if you could open the window. You  
wouldn’t just get up and open the window. This would be seen as  
rude and inappropriate, unless you had a very special relationship  
with the person. Likewise, if they entered your home, you wouldn’t  
expect them to say ‘I don’t like the colour of your walls,’ open a tin of  
paint and start changing the colour. This is because our home is our  
Realm. Another example of your Realm could be at your place of  
work. Here you will have a role and responsibilities. It is important to  
know exactly what your role and responsibilities are so that you can  
act appropriately.  
Allowing someone to enter your Realm, who then starts taking  
over, will upset the Human and agitate the Chimp. Inevitably, Chimp  
activity is going to take place within you and this may not be a good  
thing. Recognising your Realm and acting on it can prevent Chimp  
activity. For example, you may not tolerate people shouting at you  
and you need to enforce this. In order to act, you must be assertive  
or have ways of avoiding conflict yet still enforce your rights. As a  
Monarch, you need to make sure that you have set the rules, and  
that people entering your Realm know and understand the rules and  
that you enforce these if necessary. It would be expected that as a  
Monarch you would act regally! So enforcing the rules means doing  
so in a regal way via your Human and not your Chimp.  
Monarchs need to act regally  
Regal rules  
The ‘regal rules’ are the behaviours and attitudes that you have  
decided to abide by as a Monarch. They are not for other people to  
abide by! Spending time on thinking about this with your Human, and  
making it happen, will really help to increase the chances of being  
successful in whatever you do. The rules are set as a reminder to  
your Chimp. Your Chimp needs to be brought in line and managed  
so that it lives by your rules. For example, you might set a regal rule  
that you will always be pleasant to other people, regardless of how  
they might treat you. This is a commendable but difficult rule to get  
the Chimp to abide by. Again, the bottom line is being able to  
manage your Chimp.  
Advisors  
Monarchs don’t know everything; therefore they have a responsibility  
to appoint their advisors. The expert advisors will now offer advice  
(NOT commands) to the Monarch. It is very important when you are  
out of depth, or uncertain, to seek out the person or people who can  
help you. In order to be successful it is important, if not critical, to  
have the right support. One of the factors that differentiate  
successful people from unsuccessful people is the ability to  
recognise when they need help and then get it from the best source.  
It’s your responsibility to check that your advisor has the  
credentials to do the job. Have they got the skill and ability to advise  
you or to do some work for you? It’s worth looking at the  
qualifications, experience or track record that people have before  
taking advice from them or allowing them to help you. Once you  
have established your expert advisors then remember it is very  
unwise to reject their advice.  
Having selected your advisor, don’t forget that you chose them!  
You can’t blame them later if they didn’t come up to the standard you  
expected because of your own poor choice! Successful people take  
full responsibility for whatever they do and look to improve next time.  
They do not allow their Chimps to blame others.  
Choose your advisors very carefully  
For example, let’s assume that you want to lose some weight, a very  
common scenario for many of us. You are wearing the crown and in  
charge of your plan. The fact that you are looking at losing weight  
means that you didn’t do so well in the first place with controlling  
your weight! (No problem, just a reality check). Therefore, it would be  
wise to get advice from ‘an expert’ in weight control. The expert  
could be a dietician or just a friend who has successfully lost weight.  
If it doesn’t work out because you feel the diet or advisor was ‘wrong’  
then don’t blame them. It was your decision to follow their advice.  
The message from this scenario can be applied to many areas of  
your life: you must learn to be responsible and accountable for your  
choices.  
Subjects  
Other people in your Realm are the equivalent of your subjects and  
need to understand two things. The first is that you are the Monarch  
and the second is there are some rules. As the Monarch it is your  
duty to make sure that you politely make your subjects aware of  
these two things. It is no use blaming others if they are taking over  
your world or are acting in a way that you do not accept because you  
were not assertive enough to make these things clear. Treating  
others with respect regardless of how they behave is more likely to  
get your messages across. Make sure it’s your Human who is doing  
the talking and not your Chimp.  
Having subjects also means looking after them and respecting  
them at all times. The more that you show respect to others, the  
more likely it is that they will show respect back. However, there are  
always Chimps on the loose, so beware and recognise that it’s very  
unwise to engage with a Chimp.  
Other people’s Realms  
Sometimes you don’t wear the crown  
Being a subject  
If you recognise that you are not the person who is wearing the  
crown then it is reasonable to show respect to the person who is.  
Disrespecting someone or their decisions will ultimately reflect on  
you, and is very likely to cause your own success to be  
compromised. Being a subject doesn’t mean rolling over or being a  
doormat. It is about respect. If you recognise that somebody else is  
in charge and has the final decision then it is wise to find out what  
their rules are and to abide by them.  
Fighting against the system may not always be inappropriate if  
the system or person is corrupt, but there are ways of doing this  
without losing your own integrity. If the system is not corrupt and the  
person just happens to have a different opinion to you and you still  
fight them, then expect the consequences of being disrespectful. If it  
is a Realm that you don’t want to be in, then the answer is to move  
on as soon as possible and into a Realm with a Monarch that you do  
respect.  
The joint Realm  
Personal or professional?  
Professional or personal relationships  
In life we encounter two different kinds of relationship. The first  
relationship is a professional one and the second is a personal one.  
These types of relationship often overlap or become confused. This  
can be dangerous ground. Recognising the difference between the  
two relationship types, and when each is appropriate, is very  
important because crossing boundaries usually leads to trouble.  
Every relationship has a purpose, so consider what it is you want  
from each relationship that you have. Also consider what the other  
person wants from their relationship with you. This can be critical to  
the success of the relationship.  
The purpose of the relationship is distinct from the person. For  
example, sometimes you have to work with someone but this doesn’t  
mean that you have to like him or her. Being personable and being  
personal are two very different things. Personable means that you  
are friendly, approachable and amenable; you can be this whether  
you like the person or not. Personal means that you are forming a  
friendship or more with the person.  
Personal relationships have no prescribed boundaries. You and  
the other person decide how you will relate to each other and decide  
how intimate it will be.  
You share confidential moments, so the relationship is  
emotionally based with a lot of positive emotions invested in it from  
the Chimp. You will both express and share personal feelings and  
ideas so both have personal gains. The relationship will bring  
emotional satisfaction and that is its primary purpose. It involves a  
two-way intimacy whereby you also expect the other person to gain  
emotional satisfaction. You will judge each other on ethical, moral  
and emotional grounds and have flexible boundaries within the  
relationship that will change with time.  
Professional relationships have prescribed boundaries especially  
interpersonal ones. Confidentiality is paramount and there are no  
emotional judgements made. There is no expected emotional  
agenda in a professional relationship because it is based on  
professional duties and responsibilities.  
The reason that we often get our professional relationships  
moving across boundaries into personal relationships is because our  
Chimps, and at times our Humans, forget the boundaries and start  
looking to the other person to fulfil our more personal needs. It is  
wise therefore to establish what your emotional needs are and to  
seek out an appropriate person outside your professional circle to  
fulfil them. Avoid trying to fulfil your emotional needs from a fellow  
professional. Likewise, do not displace personal negative emotions,  
such as frustration or anger, into a professional relationship.  
For success in your relationships, try asking the question ‘what  
am I wanting from this relationship and what is the other person  
wanting?’ Make sure that what you want is appropriate for the type of  
relationship involved, professional or personal.  
Personal relationships  
A personal relationship with someone involves a relationship with  
both the Human and the Chimp. So think carefully before you  
commit! When you have committed, every personal relationship is  
based on a daily decision to continue. Nobody nails your feet to the  
ground when it comes to relationships; they are pure choice.  
When you enter into a personal relationship with someone it is  
important to recognise that some part of the relationship is in a joint  
Realm where decisions are therefore necessarily joint ones. Other  
parts of the relationship are not in the joint Realm and need  
individual decisions. For example, let’s say a couple have met and  
have made a commitment to each other. Nobody owns anybody else  
and nobody can tell somebody else the rules for their own personal  
life. Each person is still the Monarch in their own Realm and will  
have full say in what they want to do and how they want to act.  
One of the partners might decide that they want to spend every  
weekend with other friends and are not prepared to give this up. That  
is their prerogative and they have every right to decide this. Their  
partner likewise has every right to say, ‘This is unacceptable to me  
and the consequence of you going away every weekend is that I do  
not want this relationship.’ However, the partner might decide that  
accepting them going away every weekend with friends is better than  
ending the relationship. In this case the partner cannot complain at a  
later date because it was made clear at the time that these are the  
conditions for the relationship to continue.  
What can happen in relationships is that one partner imposes  
rules onto the other and then gets upset when the rules are not  
obeyed. They have effectively put on the crown in somebody else’s  
Realm. Imposing rules onto someone in their Realm is a form of  
passive aggression. The crown needs to be placed back on the right  
person’s head by recognising what has happened and allowing each  
individual to decide on how they wish to conduct their life.  
The joint Realm occurs in the relationship when the couple have  
to make a joint decision. For example, buying a house between  
them. Here, both have responsibility for the house so no one wears  
the crown; they share it.  
Teams  
Teams operate with either a leader who wears the crown or with a  
democratic group decision. These are the two ends of a spectrum.  
An important factor for groups to work successfully is to know who, if  
anyone, is wearing the crown, and also how rules will be made.  
Democratic groups in joint Realms all agree that there is no Monarch  
but a Government instead.  
The CORE moon addresses the preparation to undertake a task.  
There are four areas to cover that will enhance the chances of  
success and these are collectively known as the CORE principle.  
The first area is commitment  
When you are serious about undertaking something, you need to  
start by checking that you have a real possibility of achieving what  
you are setting out to do. There is no point in starting if you have not  
thought through whether you will be able to commit to the challenge.  
In order to do this you can put yourself through a ‘Commitment  
Screen’. It is important that both you and the Chimp sit down  
together to do this because it won’t work if only one of you decides to  
commit to the challenge. So the first possible error is to allow just the  
Human, or just the Chimp, to speak for the other one. Here are two  
examples to demonstrate this point.  
Emma and her jogging plans  
Emma decides she is going to get fit and join a jogging club. When  
she decides this, she is sitting indoors in the warmth. Her Human  
says, ‘This makes logical sense and I will run twice each week with  
the club and this will get me fit,’ and her fickle Chimp joins in and  
says, ‘Great, I will really enjoy the feeling of being fit.’ However, by  
winter the Chimp has changed its mind. The Human is still saying, ‘I  
want to get fit and do this,’ but the Chimp is having none of it.  
Emma has made a great mistake by planning to simply overrule  
the Chimp in the winter by willpower. You can’t arm-wrestle the  
Chimp! Willpower won’t work if the Chimp doesn’t want to do  
something. If Emma really knew her Chimp well, then she could be  
honest and say that in the winter the feeling of being fit won’t be  
enough, emotionally, to make my Chimp commit to jogging in  
unpleasant conditions. Of course Emma could make plans to coax  
the Chimp with other measures, such as jogging with friends, but the  
bottom line may be that it’s unlikely to happen because the Chimp  
will overrule Emma’s plans. Emma might be better off with a different  
way of getting fit; one that the Chimp will tolerate.  
Notice how Emma could have recognised that the Chimp was  
joining in the decision-making by the statement, ‘I will really enjoy the  
FEELING of being fit.’ However, feelings come from the Chimp and  
can be very transient and unreliable. They are useful at times, as a  
guide to help us, but they are not useful to build plans on. In order to  
plan fully Emma needed to ask what the Chimp would feel when  
winter came.  
Feelings from the Chimp – easy come, easy go – not a foundation for the future!  
John’s football dream  
John decides to start an amateur football club. He is wild about  
football and has always dreamt of being the manager of a club. His  
Chimp is excited, full of enthusiasm and is determined to make it  
work. He knows that the Human has the drive and ability to do it so  
he announces to his local council that he has plans and is looking for  
backing from them. It all sounds good and it could work out.  
What is the problem here? The problem is that this project is  
being Chimp-led. The Chimp in John will probably always enthuse  
and have the ability and energy to do this but has the Human  
engaged with some truth and logic? The potential pitfall with this  
project is that it needs some down-to-earth business plans drawing  
up.  
One of the biggest problems will be that the venture definitely  
needs commitment from other people. No matter how keen John  
might be, he can’t do this alone: he also needs capital and time. Has  
he really thought through what time and money will be needed? Of  
course we don’t want to curb his enthusiasm but it won’t go far  
without some solid business plan to support it.  
The Human needs to get on board with some logic, and work out  
what he needs for success, otherwise the dream could end up  
becoming a nightmare. When John has got firm commitments from  
others and financial backing in place, he now has a firm basis for  
progressing and his Chimp will give him the energy to successfully  
complete the project.  
These two examples demonstrate the need to work out what both  
your Human and your Chimp can commit to. There is no point in the  
Human being ‘successful’ if your Chimp is not happy, and vice versa,  
so you need a balance. Many people commit everything to their jobs  
and are very successful but are not happy, as they never see their  
friends and family. Success has to be worth the price you have to  
pay for it. What can you physically and emotionally handle? The  
Chimp needs to let you know what it feels and the Human needs to  
let you know how practical it is. There needs to be cooperation  
between the two of them and then the probability of success  
increases dramatically.  
Motivation versus commitment  
Motivation is Chimp-driven. It is a feeling based on emotion.  
Motivation generally happens when there is a great reward to gain or  
when you are suffering so badly that you want things to change.  
Motivation is helpful to drive us on but it is not essential to success. It  
is unrealistic to expect to ‘feel motivated’ every day, no matter what  
you are doing. The problem with motivation is that it works on  
feelings from the Chimp and these can shift very quickly.  
Commitment, on the other hand, comes from the Human and  
does not depend on feelings. Commitment means following a plan  
even if you don’t feel like it that day. For example, a surgeon can’t  
say halfway through an operation, ‘Do you know I just don’t feel  
motivated to finish this, so I’ll stop now!’ Motivation doesn’t matter; it  
is commitment that will finish the operation.  
Key Point  
When you decide to do something, remind yourself that it is  
commitment not motivation that matters.  
The Commitment Screen explained  
In order to assess your commitment in a structured way, use the  
‘Commitment Screen’, which is a list of questions to answer. The  
screen is composed of two aspects. The first aspect is working out  
what you will need to do the job. The second aspect is preparing  
solutions to overcome anything that might stop you from succeeding.  
First aspect: What is needed for the job?  
We can break these requirements down into three types:  
• Essential  
• Significant  
• Desirable  
Essential – these are the things that are critical for the venture to  
succeed. So, for example, if you want to start a business then you  
must have access to a certain amount of money. If you want to  
become a professional opera singer then you must have a good  
voice. If you want to get fit jogging then you must run regularly.  
Essentials are both physical and emotional in nature and this is  
where it is worth doing two lists every time you consider doing  
something. The first list is for you the Human and the second list is  
for the Chimp. The Human covers the practicalities and truths and  
the Chimp covers the feelings and emotional skills needed.  
Significant – these are the things that will definitely have an  
influence on the final outcome and therefore must be considered.  
For example, if you want to do some gardening then it will help to  
have a number of different tools to work with and not be limited to  
just one or two. If you want to study for an exam then having a quiet  
place to study would help considerably. If you want a good  
relationship with someone then having enough time to develop it will  
greatly improve the chances of success.  
Desirable – these are things that may or may not help, but they will  
make things more comfortable. For example, if you want a good  
night out, then having some money to spend would be welcome. If  
you want to lose weight, then it helps to have a friend on board to  
encourage you. If you want a successful and happy company, then it  
is pleasing to have a social gathering now and then.  
You have to work out for yourself what is in each category because it  
will be different for different people. This all depends on what your  
Human and your Chimp think. The same criteria may end up under a  
different category for two different people. For example, one may  
believe that it is essential to have high intellect to learn a language,  
whereas a second person may believe that this is only desirable,  
and everyone can learn no matter what their intellect is.  
As we can get these things wrong, it is always advisable to run  
your list past a friend who can help clarify that everything is  
considered and in the right category.  
Second aspect:What are the challenges you might face?  
We can break these challenges down into three types:  
• Hurdles  
• Barriers  
• Pitfalls  
You need to work out what you may have to overcome to be  
successful in your plans. If we consider the challenges as three  
different types, it will help to look at them from a Human perspective  
in practical terms and then a Chimp perspective in emotional terms.  
Hurdles – these are things there is just no getting round and you  
have to jump them. There are always unpleasant or difficult things  
that you have to do in anything that you undertake. Your job is to  
work out what these are and then have a coping strategy to deal with  
them. Poor coping strategies may include ignoring, running away or  
fighting them, and these will definitely jeopardise your chances of  
success.  
Not working out potential problems before you start is a virtual  
guarantee for failure. Here are some examples:  
• If you want to lose weight you have to change your eating habits.  
• If you want to get fit you have to exercise.  
• If you want to work successfully with people you have to learn to  
cope with their Chimps.  
There are no choices here, so you have to learn how to jump these  
hurdles.  
Barriers – these are things you can get around with good planning.  
This doesn’t mean ignoring the difficulty, it means dealing with it by  
removing it. Hurdles can’t be removed, barriers can. So it is very  
important to recognise the difference and then remove the barriers.  
For example, trying to deal with something that you don’t have the  
experience or expertise to do can often be delegated to someone  
who has these qualities. Wanting to go on holiday with limited money  
just means choosing an affordable place to go, not stopping the  
holiday.  
Pitfalls – these are areas that could easily be your downfall if you  
are not looking out for them. An example is letting yourself become  
emotionally exhausted before recognising the need for time out.  
Other examples are: entering a difficult conversation without  
preparing for it; or deciding not to eat junk food but keeping a small  
stock of it in the house! Drinking excess alcohol has recognisable  
pitfalls, such as using alcohol to deal with anxiety. This pitfall can be  
avoided if the anxiety is dealt with more appropriately.  
The Commitment Screen questions  
Here is a set of questions you can answer to cover the two aspects  
of the Commitment Screen. This will ensure that you are fully  
prepared to take on your dream.  
Is it really a dream?  
• How important is this to you and your Chimp?  
• Do you and your Chimp really want to achieve it?  
• What are the benefits of achieving your dream?  
• Are the benefits worth having, compared to the cost of getting  
there?  
The plans and requirements to fulfil the dream  
• What plans have you made to achieve this?  
• What have you tried in the past?  
• If it failed in the past, why was this?  
• What are you going to do that is different this time?  
• What new strategies have you got for the future?  
• What worked in the past?  
• Have you made sure that your plans are watertight by letting  
someone else check them with you?  
• What are the essential, significant and desirable requirements for  
both Human and Chimp for this plan to work?  
• Have you got the essentials in place BEFORE you start?  
Hurdles, barriers and pitfalls  
• Have you made a list of the hurdles you have to jump?  
• Have you got a strategy to jump each hurdle?  
• What will you have to sacrifice?  
• What are your plans for dealing with the downsides?  
• What stress will you face in trying to achieve this dream?  
• What barriers do you think you will have to get round or negotiate  
on?  
• What are your plans to avoid or get round each barrier?  
• What pitfalls might you need to avoid?  
• How will you recognise the pitfalls as you approach them?  
• If you failed to reach your dream how would you feel and how will  
you deal with this?  
What will keep you going when you face problems?  
• How will you deal with failing to meet a goal or target?  
• Who have you got to help you deal with issues/problems you might  
face?  
• Is this person clear on why and how they can help you?  
• How will you measure progress?  
• How willing are you to learn new strategies?  
• How willing are you to change your approach?  
If you find yourself wanting to give up your dream, ask yourself  
the following:  
• Why do you want to give up?  
• Can you change anything before you give up?  
• Can you find a different approach?  
• Who have you talked it through with?  
• What are the advantages to giving up your dream?  
• What are the disadvantages to giving up the dream?  
• What plans have you got for when you stop working towards the  
dream?  
Some suggestions to help you to stay committed to a plan  
• Be realistic with your resources – money and time are not elastic.  
• Time management is a skill worth learning.  
• Work effectively not just efficiently.  
• Prioritise what you need to do and don’t allow yourself to get  
distracted.  
• Doing one thing at a time, where possible, is the best way to give it  
full attention.  
• Avoid negative people or at least let them know what they are doing  
(nicely) and if they can’t stop, don’t involve them.  
• Actively listen to advice and where necessary seek it out.  
• Indecision is the best energy sapper, so once you have all the  
information, make the decision and follow it through.  
Key Point  
The biggest factor for success is for you to function at your  
best, practically and emotionally.  
The million-pound question  
Be disciplined and not just organised. Anyone can organise, by  
making a plan. Very few people can carry out the plan because they  
do not have the self-discipline. If you feel you are stalling or making  
excuses and not getting the task done, ask yourself the million-  
pound question. If you were given a million pounds to do the task  
before the end of the day could you do it? If the answer is yes, I  
would definitely have it completed, then this means that it is  
possible to do it. It means that if you don’t do it by the end of the  
day, then any reason you offer as to why you didn’t do it is just an  
excuse for not being disciplined. It would suggest that you are not so  
serious in wanting to fulfil your dream.  
Getting disheartened  
All of us get disheartened from time to time and want to give up our  
dreams. When this happens, sometimes, paradoxical psychology  
works. This is where you basically say the opposite of what you  
want. So you can say to yourself it is okay to walk away from the  
dream. You don’t need to fulfil your dream and it is your choice: so  
off you go. It is surprising how often the Chimp, who is telling us it  
wants to walk away, suddenly reverses and says it has no intention  
of giving up and gets back into the dream. The Chimp does this  
because it recognises that the dream is still alive and it wants it  
badly, therefore walking away is not something it intends to do. The  
Chimp just wanted a scream, which is very reasonable for a Chimp.  
Always remember that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to get  
things off your chest from time to time. Exercise your Chimp sensibly.  
The second area is ownership  
The second area of the CORE principle is about ownership. Imagine  
that you work at a factory and the owner asks a lot of you. We will  
assume that you are a good person, who works hard and is  
conscientious. You are committed to your job and have high  
standards.  
One day the factory owner decides to retire and calls you into the  
office. She says that she has decided to leave the factory to you. You  
now own the factory. How hard do you reckon that you will work, now  
that you own the company and all the profits are yours? Nearly all of  
us would work longer hours and put everything into it.  
Having ownership of something always excites the Human and  
the Chimp because it offers all kinds of rewards. Human beings  
generally love ownership and will take things more seriously when  
given it. We take things personally and invest both the Chimp and  
Human energies into the venture.  
Therefore, to increase your chances of success you need to have  
ownership of your plans because following someone else’s plans, no  
matter how good they are, is not the same unless you fully agree  
with them. Owning the plan means that you have either formed it  
yourself, had a major say in it, or believe that the plan is ideal for you  
and you couldn’t do better. If there are any parts of the plan that you  
do not own, that is, you don’t agree with, then your chances of  
success are likely to diminish.  
What happens if you don’t have ownership? Below is a diagram  
to show the difference when ownership is given, or not given, and  
the most likely results of this. When you don’t have ownership the  
Chimp typically disrupts the plans and decreases the chances of  
success.  
Having a plan and having ownership of this plan is all about being organised  
The third area is responsibility  
In the CORE principle, responsibility introduces accountability.  
Owning a plan is a great step forward towards success. If the plan  
has been carefully prepared then all that remains is to carry it out.  
Carrying out the plan is about having responsibility and being  
disciplined. This is where most people fall down because their  
Chimps begin to work on feelings and this stops them from being  
disciplined and doing what they know they need to do. Being  
organised is the easy bit. Most students will tell you that they are  
excellent in sorting out a revision plan before exams. They can detail  
down to the smallest items how and when they will study. However,  
most are then unable to discipline themselves and fail to carry out  
the plan. Each week the revision timetable is adjusted until  
eventually the amount of work that they expect to do is crammed into  
just a few days or even hours. Responsibility is all about managing  
the Chimp and its feelings, and getting down to business without  
excuses.  
If you have responsibility for your plan then you must be held  
accountable for it. The chances of success increase when we report  
back to someone with a progress report on how it is all going. This is  
a big factor for succeeding. Having deadlines and reporting back  
makes both the Human and the Chimp feel obligated to act. When  
you become accountable, and it might even be to just yourself, you  
will audit the way things are going. Then you will step in quickly, if  
things are not going according to plan. So, responsibility can also be  
seen as accountability on a regular basis.  
Key Point  
Taking responsibility and accountability for implementing or  
carrying out the plan is all about being disciplined.  
The fourth area is excellence  
We have now seen that your chances of success will increase if you  
have:  
• A thought-through commitment  
• A plan for which you have ownership  
• Accepted responsibility  
The fourth area of the CORE principle, to increase your chances of  
success, is to set very high but achievable goals. You can only do  
your best in everything that you do. You cannot do better than your  
best; this is illogical. As long as you have tried, despite mistakes and  
errors, and occasional unintentional lapses, you have done your  
best. It is very important to accept this principle.  
If you define a level of excellence and cannot reach it you may  
feel very deflated and see yourself as a failure. That is a choice that  
you are making. You set the bar at a specific level of excellence.  
There is nothing wrong with this but it can have serious  
consequences for your Chimp, who may not deal with the demand  
for excellence, or the failure to reach it.  
There is an alternative in life. You can aim for personal  
excellence, which is doing your best, regardless of the standard that  
you achieve. This personal excellence is always achievable. You  
may still be disappointed with the level you achieve but at least you  
can hold your head up and say that it was your best. The Chimp is  
very likely to live with this. (This concept is covered in more detail in  
Key Point  
Personal excellence is defined as doing your best.  
The carrot and no stick  
We all know of the old adage about the donkey pulling the cart. You  
can get him to move with either a stick or a carrot. Donkeys, Humans  
and Chimps don’t like punishment (sticks) but do like rewards  
(carrots). Hitting Humans or Chimps with a stick will get them to  
move but will also make them unhappy, rebellious and unlikely to  
perform at their best. Chimps enjoy eating carrots but these carrots  
need to be big otherwise the Chimp won’t move.  
Imagine we are in the jungle watching Mitch the chimpanzee  
making his plans to become the alpha male. He ‘thinks’ about the  
way to do this. It is the jungle; therefore the jungle laws are in force.  
He decides to scream and shout and thrash the ground with a stick.  
Any chimpanzee that gets in the way will be attacked with the stick  
or with his fists. If Mitch becomes the alpha chimp then he will use  
his authority giving savage beatings to any chimp that steps out of  
line. If he fails to become the top chimp then he will hide, keep his  
head low, and wait for the chance again.  
It doesn’t take too much imagination to superimpose this scenario  
onto an office or any other place of work. The story is all too familiar.  
Consider a person who wants to fulfil their ambition but they do it by  
force, threats and domination of others in order to keep them in line.  
When they do become the boss they work on the principle that by  
beating their staff, their staff will not attack but will work harder.  
Thankfully there is an alternative.  
In the Human society, we don’t have sticks. Here, an ideal leader  
is the person who develops the group and encourages them. It is  
based on the principle that people are doing their best and if they are  
failing then it means they need more support, guidance or  
development. People prefer to be encouraged, supported and  
rewarded, rather than being beaten. Of course there are standards  
to reach and benchmarks must be set and the consequences of not  
reaching them clarified. If someone has tried their best with full  
support and failed to reach the benchmark then they can accept the  
consequences, which may be unpleasant, but without suffering the  
stick. There is no place for a stick in society. There is a place for  
benchmarks and consequences of not reaching them, which adult  
Humans learn to deal with.  
Chimps work with violence, threats and sticks. Humans work with compassion,  
encouragement, carrots and consequences  
So the system is to set benchmarks for standards and use carrots to  
reach these. If you can’t reach the benchmarks after all possible  
support then you must accept the consequences. Clearly if someone  
is being lazy then they will not reach the benchmarks set and will  
suffer the consequences.  
Key Point  
In a civilised society the stick is replaced with carrots,  
benchmarks and consequences.  
So why is the Moon of Carrots such an important stabiliser to the  
Planet of Success? The Chimp in you may work best by being  
violent and responding to violence but the emotional damage it can  
bring might be devastating. Every day we suffer at the hands of other  
people’s Chimps or even at the hands of our own Chimp. Humans  
work best when they receive recognition and appreciation for what  
they have done; also when they are rewarded in other ways.  
Humans like to achieve and be constructive. Chimps like to be  
groomed by others in the troop and to feel part of the troop. So to  
bring out the best in yourself you need to make sure that you are  
getting plenty of carrots!  
Types of carrots  
Lots of varieties  
There are many types of carrots and it is a good idea to make sure  
that you try all the types. Everyone needs to learn what carrots they  
like best and to make sure they obtain them. Grow your own carrots!  
Rewards  
These can be obvious material things such as football tickets, new  
clothing, chocolate bars, a meal out, a car and so on. It can be  
anything that is a reward to you and will make you happy. Linking  
rewards to work that you have to do is a very good way of getting  
your Chimp on side. Have rewards in place to look forward to as this  
can give the Chimp motivation and the Human commitment to carry  
on.  
Celebrations  
It is important to look back and celebrate what you have done.  
Reflecting on your hard work and effort is important to increase the  
chances of success. It is important for both you and your Chimp to  
recognise this and praise yourself for what you have done, or even  
tried to do.  
Recognition  
Most Humans do not need recognition but are self-satisfied.  
However, most Chimps within us do need recognition from the right  
person and if you deprive them of this then they can become very  
bitter, angry and upset. Make sure the recognition happens by  
working out whom you would welcome praise or recognition from  
and make sure that they understand that this would mean a lot to  
you. This is a sensible way to look after and nurture your Chimp.  
Encouragement  
Your Chimp needs encouragement from time to time and it’s not  
unreasonable to ask for this. Encouragement is a very good carrot to  
give your Chimp good feelings when it needs them. Don’t forget that  
people around you are not mind readers. You might have to tell them  
that you would like to be encouraged. Sometimes we all forget to  
encourage others. Looking at the benefits of achieving something is  
one of the strongest encouragers.  
Support  
Getting support from the right person or people is a great boost to  
morale. The troop rallying to support a distressed Chimp or Human  
is a very welcome carrot. Don’t be afraid to ask for support or help.  
This is one of the reasons why we have troops. Don’t be foolish by  
cutting yourself off from support. This is unlikely to be wise and much  
more likely to be stupid! It’s unlikely to be a sign of independence but  
rather a sign of stubbornness. If you had a friend who was in trouble  
you would not hesitate to help. Don’t deprive your friends of the  
chance to show their friendship for you when you need it.  
Recognising the stick  
Typical sticks  
Any form of threat, punishment or attack is a stick. Sticks can be  
physical or psychological.  
Beating yourself up  
Using a stick on yourself is more destructive than others doing it to  
you. Beating yourself up is a useless and damaging process and it is  
also a CHOICE. You don’t have to do it. Ask what good is it doing?  
Also ask is this the way that you want to deal with yourself? You can  
choose to look more objectively and see what you can do to  
improve, or accept the way that you are, with a smile. Things won’t  
get better by attacking and demeaning yourself. Relax and  
encourage yourself instead.  
Guilt, blame and regret  
The stick also comes in the form of guilt, blame or regret. Of course  
these emotions are there for a purpose. They are to let us know  
when we have done something wrong or amiss and we ought to  
make amends as best we can, and learn from our mistakes.  
However, once we have recognised this, and done what we can to  
show remorse and amendment, then they have no place. These  
negative emotions become a stick that we beat ourselves with for no  
good purpose. Living with guilt, blame or regret is a terrible stick that  
will destroy any chance of happiness or constructive living. It can  
also become a tool of self-pity to use so that we don’t have to get on  
with life. Think carefully if you are using these against yourself and  
ask what purpose they serve.  
The abusive reminder stick  
An even worse stick is when someone has done something wrong  
and clearly shown remorse and change, only to be repeatedly  
reminded of their previous misdemeanours by another person. This  
very strong form of passive aggression by the stick-wielding person  
is abuse.  
Summary key points  
• Define what you mean by success and stick to it.  
• Wear the crown when it is appropriate.  
• Respect the crown when it is on somebody else’s head.  
• Commitment is the biggest part of the CORE principle.  
Take ownership and responsibility for your life.  
• Aim for personal excellence.  
• Grow lots of carrots and get rid of the stick.  
Suggested exercise:  
Success by thorough preparation  
Turning failure into success  
Have a look at some venture or task that you have failed to  
accomplish in the past but would like to do in the future. Run  
yourself through the Commitment Screen and answer all of the  
questions. Then follow through by taking ownership and  
responsibility for carrying out a plan. Try to implement all of the  
recommendations in the chapter and reinforce those that are  
relevant to you.  
Chapter 15  
The Planet of Success  
How to plan for success  
The Dream Machine – A plan for success  
SUCCESS CAN HAPPEN regardless of plans. However, having structured  
plans improves your chances of success and allows you to know that  
you did everything you could to achieve your dream, so at least you  
can smile. Remember that life is not fair and even though you can do  
everything right, you may not be successful.  
The Dream Machine is a structured approach to optimising your  
chances of success when you have a specific dream. I have used  
this model frequently in many different situations and implemented it  
to help various professionals in different fields to achieve their  
dream. It incorporates aspects drawn from the stabilising moons  
around its planet and has seven distinct cogs. Each cog will lead you  
through to the next one and after turning the seventh cog you will  
have hopefully realised your dream!  
 
Before you start the cogs turning please remember there are two of  
you planning this journey: you and your Chimp. So you must  
consider your Chimp when you make the plans. The Chimp will have  
needs of its own, such as reassurance and rewards, if it is to stay on  
side. If you have no interference from the Chimp then you are likely  
to be very successful. If you look after the Chimp then it may even  
help you to be successful. If you consider your Chimp as a child that  
has little staying power, easily gets distracted, is undisciplined,  
disorganised, and constantly wants instant rewards, then you won’t  
go far wrong!  
The difference between a dream and a goal  
The Dream Machine makes a very important distinction between  
‘dreams’ and ‘goals’. Don’t move on until you understand the  
difference and can identify your own dreams.  
A dream is something that you want to happen but it is not fully  
under your control. The dream has outside influences and therefore  
you cannot guarantee that it will happen; it is just a wish.  
Goals are something that you can set and achieve because you  
have full control of them. Goals increase the chances of dreams  
happening.  
Here are some examples of dreams and some supporting goals.  
You can add many more goals with a little thought.  
Dream – wanting someone you love to love you  
Goals supporting the dream  
• Asking what makes them happy (and doing it!)  
• Asking what makes them unhappy (and avoiding it)  
• Greeting them with a genuine smile  
• Being happy and encouraging  
Telling them what you appreciate about them  
• Respecting their space and respecting them  
Dream – wanting to win a race  
Goals supporting the dream  
• Regular training  
• Good diet  
• Correct mental attitude  
Dream – wanting to be a confident person  
(NB: You can’t guarantee being confident all the time because it is a  
skill and is variable depending on Chimp Management.)  
Goals supporting the dream  
• Spending time learning to recognise when your Chimp is in action  
• Spending time practising management of the Chimp on confidence  
issues  
Dream – wanting to achieve a good sleeping pattern  
(NB: You can’t guarantee a good sleep pattern because your  
biological clock can play up and also external influences can wake  
you up.)  
Goals supporting the dream  
• Learning about and implement sleep hygiene  
• Learning about, and be realistic about, what sleep you need  
Dream – wanting to get a job when you are interviewed  
(NB: Your job success may depend on what the panel are looking for  
and if there is a better candidate.)  
Goals supporting the dream  
• Preparing yourself for the interview  
• Making sure you know what the job is all about  
• Dressing appropriately  
• Practising interview techniques  
Key Point  
Goals must be realistic and achievable.  
Why the distinction between dreams and goals is  
really important  
Whenever the brain recognises that it doesn’t have full control of any  
situation it sends the blood supply to the Chimp. This results in  
unease and you will feel under threat, with the consequence being  
that the Chimp now controls the thinking and plans. However, if the  
brain recognises that it is in full control of a situation then the Chimp  
relaxes and the blood supply goes to the Human. The result is  
calmness and a feeling of opportunity. Then the Human thinks and  
makes the plans.  
Don’t make dreams into goals because you will set your Chimp  
off. You need to see a dream as a possibility but accept that it may  
not happen. It is like throwing the dice and saying I know I can get a  
double six, then getting upset when it doesn’t happen. If you  
understand it is a roll of the dice that can go one of many ways then  
you are more likely to accept the result with a smile. If you carry out  
all the goals needed to give the dream the best chance of success,  
then you can be happy that you did your best.  
Dreams send the blood supply to the Chimp. Goals send the blood supply to  
the Human  
Aim for the stars not the moon  
Psychological evidence says that we need to dream big and set  
extremely challenging goals if we want to increase our chances of  
success. Don’t aim for the moon but the stars. The ‘moon’ is a goal  
that you know you can achieve by effort. The ‘stars’ are a goal that  
you could achieve by great effort and it will feel fantastic to reach  
this goal. If you aim for the moon your Chimp can get complacent;  
but if you aim higher for the stars your Chimp and Human commit to  
it and get excited by the big challenge. Therefore make sure that  
your dreams excite you, as you are more likely to achieve them and  
if you do miss the stars you might still reach the moon!  
Your task for cog 1 – the dream  
• Define your dream.  
Foundation Stones are the components that you can work on to  
achieve your dream. For example, if you want to run a race then  
three Foundation Stones would be your speed, your weight, and the  
distance covered each week. There will be a lot more Foundation  
Stones and it is important to try and elicit all of them.  
A dream is based on Foundation Stones  
Each Foundation Stone can be given a goal that you can measure  
and achieve. So for example, your weight can be dropped or  
increased to an optimum. These specific goals are under your  
control and if you reach them it will make the dream more likely to  
happen. It is useful to divide the goals into those you are specifically  
working on to achieve gains (target goals) and those that you are  
happy with but are keeping an eye on (maintenance goals).  
So you could be at a chosen set weight and wish to just maintain it  
or you could be reducing your weight and therefore targeting it.  
Target goals are where you feel you can make gains. It is best to  
select just one or two target goals to work on over a fixed period of  
time, with the other Foundation Stones remaining as maintenance  
goals. You do not want to spread your effort out too thinly but  
concentrate on one thing at a time and achieve it. If you spread out  
your efforts on too many things then you are likely to increase your  
chances of failing.  
Work on just one or two target stones until they have improved  
Key Point  
The fewer tasks you focus on, the more likely you are to  
succeed with them.  
When your target goals are reached then you can swap the target  
goal to a maintenance goal and select another maintenance goal to  
become a target to work on.  
Your tasks for cog 2 – Foundation Stones  
• Write down the Foundation Stones that will support your dream.  
• Give each stone a measurable goal.  
• Divide the goals into maintenance and target goals.  
• Set new standards for the target goals and a time scale to work on  
them.  
The Commitment Screen is covered in the CORE moon section. We  
will use the checklist there to complete your next task. The  
Commitment Screen is to make sure that you are aware of what is  
needed to take on the dream, and to give a reality check and form  
your preparations.  
Remember your Chimp will be involved in the plans. Try to think  
ahead and know what things are likely to upset it. Think particularly  
of the excuses that the Chimp might try to use to stop you from  
progressing. Stopping to think these out and writing down your  
strategies for dealing with them, if they arise, is time well spent.  
Your tasks for cog 3 – Commitment Screen  
• Write a list of all the essential, significant and desirable needs to  
take on the dream.  
• Write a list of all the hurdles, barriers and pitfalls that may stop the  
dream from happening and devise plans to deal with these.  
It was Abraham Lincoln who said: ‘If you have eight hours to chop  
down a tree, spend six hours sharpening your axe.’  
Key Point  
The more preparation you make with your plan the more likely  
you are to succeed.  
Now that you have your Foundation Stones, and know exactly what  
you need to work on, you just need a realistic plan to pull it all  
together. The plan must be achievable in the time that you have to  
complete it.  
The plan is best constructed in stages, based on your goals, so  
that you can measure how well you are doing as you move forward.  
Define exactly how you will measure each goal so that you can see  
your progress. The stages need realistic time scales to show exactly  
where you intend to be at these given points in time. Be realistic  
because being unrealistic will inevitably lead to failure and an  
unnecessary sense of disappointment in yourself.  
Your tasks for cog 4 – the plan  
• Form a plan in stages with measurable goals.  
• Give time scales to each stage and goal.  
• Select two target goals to work on.  
It is important to keep the process going by doing things that keep  
you happy, encouraged and committed. You don’t NEED to be happy  
but it helps.  
To climb a mountain  
One way to think of your journey to success is to consider it as like  
climbing a mountain. If you imagine your dream as being the top of a  
mountain then you need to break the climb down into realistic  
camps. You can now climb to each camp, which are the stages from  
your plan. There are some things that you can do to make the climb  
more likely to succeed.  
When you reach a camp (goal) make sure you celebrate  
It is very important to measure your success and reward yourself  
when you reach the goals for each stage. (Of course you don’t have  
to celebrate with alcohol!)  
Monitor the success with a chart or some form of visible record  
so that you can see your progress  
Keeping a record to measure the progress of target goals is very  
important. Making the record visible by putting it on a wall will help to  
remind the Chimp of what you are doing. Chimps like to win and they  
like to see things. It is psychologically powerful to see your progress  
on charts and graphs on walls or in notepads. For example, if you  
are trying to lose weight you can keep a progress chart on the fridge  
door.  
Motivational reminders are also very helpful, such as a poster on the  
wall or a written message to yourself. This might stop the Chimp  
from hijacking you.  
• When you reach a camp always look back to see how far you have  
come; try not to look up the mountain because this may dishearten  
you.  
• If you look up, only look to the next camp.  
• Climb the mountain with a friend whenever possible.  
• If a friend can’t join the climb then at least let them know when you  
have reached a camp so that they can share your success.  
Once you start doing something it is usually not as bad as you first  
thought and taking a small step can encourage you to keep going.  
For example, let’s assume that your house is in a bit of a mess and  
you are going to tidy it up. The task seems daunting and the Chimp  
looks around the house and sees a mountain to climb. The Chimp  
then goes into Freeze mode and refuses to engage, offering excuses  
or just a simple ‘It’s all too much’ or ‘I can’t be bothered.’ The Chimp  
is overwhelmed.  
The Human can now form the first camp and say to the Chimp,  
‘What we will do is tidy just one small area of the house,’ or maybe  
one room, or even as little as a table or desk area. Make sure the  
task is small and achievable within a short time. Your Chimp will be  
happy doing this because it is quick and the results are immediate,  
and Chimps like immediate gratification.  
Don’t look around now to see just how much still needs to be  
done (this is like looking to the top of the mountain), it will only  
dishearten you. Instead, be happy and celebrate the fact that you  
have started, and now form another easy camp to reach. Clean the  
house in small stages with a celebration at each stage. You may not  
finish it all but you will make progress. Remember that partial  
success is better than no success.  
Studying can also seem like having to climb a mountain when you  
look to see how much there is to do. This means that your Chimp is  
very likely to try and stop you by distractions and excuses and  
feelings of exhaustion before you even open a book or sit down at a  
computer. Simply speaking, the main reason this happens is that the  
Chimp is looking to the top of the mountain and disengaging  
because it knows what lies ahead. Again, form a small step to an  
easy camp. For example, instead of saying, ‘Tonight I will study for  
three hours,’ which is a big ask of any Chimp, say, ‘I will study for 15  
minutes each day and then stop. If I then choose to continue, I will,  
but if I don’t want to continue, 15 minutes is better than nothing.’ On  
a daily basis, 15 minutes will cover some significant ground. It is not  
a lot to ask and nearly every Chimp will agree to this and do the 15  
minutes immediately. It is important that the small study time has to  
happen every night and be strict with this. If you think 15 minutes is  
too long then try timing yourself to do ten! However, don’t go the  
other way and commit to an hour every night because it is too much  
for the Chimp and it won’t do it. This will again just leave you feeling  
disheartened. As with all plans and tactics, you must work out what  
will work for you.  
These are suggestions that most Chimps will be happy with, but  
you must find out what your Chimp will tolerate and how they will  
react to what you plan. Plans should always be discussed with your  
Chimp! Don’t forget that when you have done your 15 minutes you  
should celebrate or at least pat yourself on the back.  
Your tasks for cog 5 – oiling the wheels  
• Plan a reward and celebration for each goal achieved and each  
stage reached, before you start.  
• Make a visible record to measure progress and put it somewhere  
prominent.  
• Display helpful reminders and encouragers such as posters or notes  
to keep your Chimp on track.  
• Get a friend to share your journey with; either by climbing the  
mountain and being as committed as you, or just to encourage you.  
The Audit Cog is looking at the progress towards the dream and  
seeing if it is on track. An audit is where you can look at what is and  
isn’t working. You then continue with what is working and change  
what isn’t, by finding out why it isn’t working. You can check on target  
goals and if they have reached the level you want, move them to  
maintenance goals. Then you can select different maintenance goals  
to become target goals to work on to improve standards.  
When you do an audit of your progress against your plans you  
are really just holding up a mirror and being honest with yourself. It is  
a good idea to do this with a friend whose opinion you respect and  
who will tell you the truth, even if it is hard to hear.  
Having someone to account to is a key promoter of success  
Revisit your goals and decide if they are still the right ones or  
whether they need to be changed. If the goals are proving too hard  
and affecting your happiness or well-being in a negative way, and  
you can see no solution to this, then try to get help from others or  
change your goals. It is a SKILL to recognise when you are off track  
and then deal with it appropriately. The audit is all about being  
positive and realistic. Don’t see the audit in a negative light. It is only  
helping you to see if changes need to be made. One of the key  
factors to a good audit is to be flexible in your thinking and with your  
original plan.  
Successful thinking  
Successful thinking is based on flexible and adaptable thinking.  
Successful people tend to think with their Human when solving  
problems; ‘What have I done, or what am I doing, to contribute to this  
problem?’ Then they ask, ‘What can I do to change my own  
behaviours or beliefs in order to solve the problem?’ After they have  
looked at themselves and what they can change, they then consider  
the circumstances that the problem has appeared in. They then ask,  
‘What can I do to change the circumstances that might help to solve  
the problem?’ After trying to change the circumstances, they will  
finally look to others and ask, ‘What are others doing to contribute to  
the problem and how can I help them?’  
Less successful people tend to allow their Chimps to do the thinking  
and problem-solving. This thinking then becomes emotional and  
uses the following pattern.  
First the Chimp starts with others and asks, ‘What are other  
people doing to create the problem and how can I make sure that  
they know that they are wrong?’ Then it thinks, ‘What is wrong with  
the circumstances that have caused this problem and why is this so  
unfair?’ Finally it then tries to solve the problem. It may or may not  
have an afterthought about how much it might have contributed to  
the problem. If it does, this is usually dismissed by rationalising any  
fault on its part as due to the actions of others or to circumstances. It  
repaints the picture, as described next.  
Repainting the picture  
A Chimp will analyse situations by looking back and repainting the  
picture of what happened in order to put themself in a good light and  
with good intentions. It will also justify why it acted in the way it did in  
order to come out smelling of roses. This is well recognised and  
known as a self-serving bias.  
Let’s take a look at an example.  
The exam result  
Let’s go back to school days (assuming that you are not still there!).  
You have taken an exam in a subject that you found difficult. The  
exam result turns out to be disappointing.  
The Chimp now starts by blaming others; we didn’t have a good  
teacher; he never finished the syllabus; he couldn’t control the class;  
the other pupils were disruptive and stopped me learning; my  
parents just weren’t supportive; and so the list goes on. Having  
finished blaming others it moves on to circumstances. The exam was  
harder that year and no one got a good mark; the exam had nothing  
similar to previous exams; we moved house months before the exam  
and it was impossible to study; and so it goes on. Finally to complete  
the self-serving bias the Chimp absolves itself of all responsibility. I  
had miles to walk to school and it left me tired all day; my pet guinea  
pig died in the middle of the exams; I was taught in a way that didn’t  
suit me; if I had wanted to I could have got an ‘A’ but there were lots  
of other things that I preferred to do.  
Some of these reasons may not be excuses but factual; however,  
it is very unlikely that they prevented us from getting an ‘A’.  
Let’s see how the Human would approach the same situation.  
The Human starts with itself and may say, ‘I am disappointed with  
my result but it was the best I could do.’ Or maybe it might say, ‘It’s  
my own fault as I was not very organised and I lacked the discipline I  
needed to succeed.’ The Human may go on to say about  
circumstances or others, but has already given the real reason for  
the poor result, which came from itself.  
Try to think how you approach disappointments or setbacks.  
People who own responsibility and look to themselves first when  
setbacks occur will have a better chance to work on them and  
improve things. People who blame others and circumstances only  
very rarely improve and tend not to learn from their mistakes.  
There is a second point to this approach that we should look at.  
What would have happened if we had done really well in the exam  
and surprised ourselves? The Chimp would have taken full credit for  
the success and would reverse the thinking. Now the Chimp says, it  
is ‘me’ first, then circumstances, and finally others. Often the Chimp  
just stops with me first! The Human, on the other hand, often  
reverses the thinking and acknowledges the role that others have  
had in their success and the circumstances and then modestly is  
proud of their achievement.  
The way that we deal with success and failure or setbacks and  
disappointments in our life becomes a habit. It can either turn into a  
Gremlin or an Autopilot. Look at the way that you think and consider  
whether it might be good to change.  
Attribution error  
Finally, on this theme there is another point to consider. If someone  
else had taken the exam and did poorly then our Chimps would  
immediately hold them responsible. Such a different story to when  
we ourselves fail. The way that the Chimp thinks is, ‘If I do  
something wrong or make a mistake then there is a good reason.  
People ought to understand that reason, as I am basically innocent.’  
Whereas if others do the same thing wrong or make the same  
mistake, then the Chimp thinks, ‘It is their fault and they should  
expect to take the consequences.’ In other words, our Chimp  
excuses us when we go wrong but blames others if they do exactly  
the same thing that we have done.  
Using attribution error is a learnt behaviour, so yet another  
Gremlin can be found in many people’s Computers. If you recognise  
this Gremlin, then remove it and replace it with an Autopilot that is  
not biased towards you and biased against others.  
In summary, we repaint the picture whenever we look back on  
events to make sure that it brings us out in a good light. We tend to  
do this by only hearing what we want to hear and seeing only what  
we want to see and remembering only what we want to remember.  
Our memory of events is repainted and is rarely the whole truth.  
Typically when we tell a story we keep on touching it up until we get  
it ‘right’! The effect this has on others and our relationship with them  
is very significant. Repainting the picture usually diminishes our  
chances of learning and hence diminishes the chances of success.  
Turning the light on and going to court  
Sometimes we need to turn the light on to see what is happening.  
When you want to decide on whether you are working effectively you  
can sit down with a piece of paper and pretend you are going to  
represent yourself in court and put a light on the situation. Write  
down all of the evidence (no feelings or ‘might be’s, only FACT) both  
for and against how you are behaving and why. It can be a very  
interesting exercise to discover the truth! This exercise is very useful  
in a lot of areas, not just the area of success and audit. Sadly the  
court may find you guilty and this will demand change!  
Your tasks for cog 6 – audit  
• Recruit someone you can be accountable to.  
• Regularly check your goals are realistic and be flexible if you need  
to change them.  
• Check the Human method of thinking is being employed and not the  
Chimp.  
• Make sure problem-solving is by the Human.  
• Don’t repaint the picture and deceive yourself.  
• Turn the light on and go to court!  
As you travel the journey to your dream it is inevitable that some  
things will go well and others not so well. In order to progress  
optimally it is very useful to have plans to deal with different kinds of  
outcomes. We will look at three types of outcome and how you can  
deal with these or see them differently. The three outcomes will be  
success, partial success and failure.  
Success  
This is obviously a great thing, and what we want, but there are  
some pitfalls to be aware of after you have been successful in an  
event.  
The first danger is complacency. Whenever we have achieved  
something there is a tendency for the Chimp to forget quite quickly  
exactly what we had to do to succeed. Very often, therefore,  
successful people fail to continue with success because they fail to  
continue to do what they did in the first place in order to succeed.  
You need to be vigilant when watching for complacency.  
Complacency can also present if we become over-confident and  
start believing our own hype. Most success is achieved by hard work  
and there are few, if any, short cuts.  
Success can also lead to fear: of not being able to repeat what  
you have achieved and of things going wrong. Focusing on this fear  
won’t help, but focusing on what you have to do will! ‘Manage the  
Chimp’ is the message here. It is really important to look at each  
event separately and remember that you are starting from a level  
playing field for the next event. Stop your Chimp from comparing  
your achievements from past events to future ones as this will give  
you expectations that lead to anxiety. For each new situation, you  
can only do your best and work to the best of your ability. The  
outcome will be what it will be.  
A common problem people experience, following a success, is to  
go into an emotional dive or feel depressed. There has been so  
much time and effort put into achieving the goal that there is a bit of  
an anti-climax afterwards, with a loss of focus and routine. This  
experience is very common and it is really just your mind demanding  
time out from the battle. The reaction to success is different for  
different people. If you do experience a dive in emotions be  
reassured this is within normal experience and allowing time out will  
usually bring you round quite quickly. It is therefore important to plan  
how you will deal with success and celebrate what you have  
achieved. Have a routine or plan ready for when something you have  
been working on for a long time comes to an end. Setting another  
goal or planning a reward to satisfy the Chimp often works well.  
Don’t ignore your Chimp’s needs at these times.  
Partial success  
The Chimp within us typically thinks in terms of black and white.  
Children also tend to do this a lot. The Human within you, and most  
adults, tend to see things in shades of grey. Success can be seen in  
this way too. If you have not been fully successful but there are  
some good parts to an outcome, then it is worth celebrating a partial  
success. Trying to aim for partial success is not usually a good thing  
as your Chimp is likely to become indifferent and your drive to  
succeed may well diminish. However, once the outcome has  
happened it is worth looking at accepting some success no matter  
how small this might be. It is a choice that you have. The alternative  
is to see something as a failure and then accept the emotional  
consequences of this.  
Failure (or setbacks)  
Try to see a failure or setback as a challenge. It can be an  
opportunity to develop yourself and your skills to deal with problem-  
solving.  
When we fail at something there are consequences for our self-  
esteem and self-worth. The Chimp sees it as a catastrophic event  
and typically gets the outcome completely out of perspective. The  
Chimp often sees failure as evidence it is a worthless and useless  
being; that everybody is now aware of this evidence; and there is no  
way to recover this. On the other hand, Humans see failure as being  
relative; accept that sometimes we don’t win or get things right; and  
see failure as a learning curve. Humans accept the outcome and  
work with it. Therefore, there are two very different perceptions of  
failure that can occur in a typical mind. How can you deal with this,  
and why is it that some people don’t get this sense of conflict?  
The answer is generally found in the emphasis that you have  
placed on failing and what this failure means or implies. It is always  
good to think this through.  
Key Point  
Anything in life is only as important as you want it to be.  
An example might help to illustrate the difference in a Chimp reaction  
and a Human reaction. Many of us took our driving test when we  
were quite young. At this age if someone failed the test it could have  
quite devastating effects on him or her. Somehow, passing first time  
was critically important and got muddled up with ideas involving self-  
esteem. However, when you ask people who are older about their  
experience with their first driving test, they often laugh about failed  
attempts because they perceive failing first time as unimportant. It  
was merely an inconvenience and didn’t have anything to do with  
their self-esteem, and probably not even how well they would  
ultimately drive!  
Sadly, getting perspective can take time but can often be  
speeded up if you make time to develop perspective on life events.  
Try to do this by seeing what you can learn from failure or  
disappointment and don’t take it too seriously.  
So why does getting perspective take time? Your Human can get  
over failure quite quickly but the Chimp within is not programmed this  
way and you have to live with this. The Chimp has a well-recognised  
pattern of dealing with failure and loss and this pattern is seen in  
almost all people. It is commonly called a grief reaction. Usually we  
relate the term ‘grief reaction’ to dealing with the death of someone  
close. However, the reaction can be seen with any loss and also with  
any perceived failure. The reaction is the Chimp’s way of dealing  
with something that is very emotional and hard to accept. Any bad  
news can therefore be compared to a grief reaction. The reaction  
has recognised stages and your Chimp is very likely to go through  
these stages, or most of them, when it suffers a failure. Knowing this,  
you can at least know that it is normal to have a reaction to failure  
and you can ‘nurse’ your Chimp through it. There is little point in  
fighting the reaction, but it is better to work with it.  
Normal grief reaction from the Chimp  
Simplified, the typical stages, which can occur in any order but  
usually follow as listed below, are:  
Denial – not accepting this event has happened.  
Yearning – a longing for the event not to have happened and for a  
return to the previous circumstances.  
Bargaining – trying to change the outcome of the event. Often  
starting with ‘If only’ or ‘If I do this’ (the Chimp constantly wants to  
go back in time and change things, whereas the Human accepts  
that you cannot change what has happened).  
Anger – frustration and blame often accompany anger, and some  
kind of explanation is sought to make the event seem less painful.  
Disorganisation – the truth is now being accepted and dealt with  
and a feeling of depression appears with lots of unpleasant  
emotions and a sense of emptiness. This is real grief.  
Reorganisation – you start to accept what has happened, or at  
least learn to live with it, and make plans for moving on.  
The failure of a relationship will go through the same stages. Letting  
your Chimp work through these stages is important or you may get  
stuck and the grief process can then take longer than normal.  
Everyone is different but it usually takes about three months to go  
through the acute phase and up to a year to function again, possibly  
longer depending on how severe the event was and how important it  
was to you. It is unreasonable to expect yourself not to react  
emotionally to any failure. It helps to be more aware of how you  
might react and how you can deal with your reaction. Hopefully any  
failure can eventually be given perspective and you can move on  
from what you have learnt from the setback. Failure is a normal part  
of life’s experiences and reacting to it is just as normal and  
acceptable.  
Your tasks for cog 7 – outcomes  
• Measure success in relative terms and where possible celebrate  
partial successes.  
• Deal with failures or setbacks constructively and see them as  
learning points to develop yourself.  
• Try to develop the ability to get a perspective on all life events.  
• If your Chimp grieves, allow it to express itself. It is perfectly  
reasonable to grieve.  
Summary key points  
• There is a difference between a dream and a goal.  
To be successful you will need planning and structure.  
• Oiling the wheels will greatly improve the chances of success.  
• Regular audit will keep you on track.  
• Dealing with outcomes is part of the blueprint.  
Suggested exercise:  
Implementing this chapter  
Realising the dream  
Define your dream and make time to go through a structured  
plan as outlined in this chapter. It is best to work through this  
with a friend. Follow the steps by doing the exercises for each  
cog. When you have begun to implement the plan keep  
reminding yourself of why you want the dream to happen and  
what it will mean to you to succeed.  
Chapter 16  
The Planet of Happiness  
How to be happy  
HAPPINESS IS A choice. Being happy all of the time is unrealistic; there  
will always be adversity and setbacks. It is natural to have ups and  
downs but you can get back to happiness by working on it.  
What do we mean by happiness?  
You have to decide what happiness means to you because it is  
different for different people. So your first task is to take time and  
decide what makes you happy, then at least you know what you are  
working towards. The brain releases different chemicals when it is  
anxious, than when it is relaxed or than when it is happy. Therefore,  
it might be easiest to approach the way to happiness by defining  
three different states.  
Three states of mind for the Human and the Chimp  
 
Three states of mind for both Human and chimp  
Removing the negative state of mind  
Things that put you into a negative state of mind are anxieties,  
worries or concerns. This is typically because you don’t have the four  
functional planet systems (The Divided Planet, The Planet of Others,  
The Planet Connect and The Planet of the Real World) running  
smoothly. It means you are not fulfilling fundamental things that the  
Chimp and Human need to feel relaxed and content.  
Therefore, to get out of the negative state of mind you need to get  
all the four functional planet systems spinning correctly. Realistically  
we are always going to have some level of dysfunction, it is about  
minimising it and containing it, so that we can move on and use our  
energies to get quality in our lives.  
Staying out of the negative state is like spinning plates: the planets need constant  
attention  
Here are examples of things to address from the first four systems.  
• Recognise, nurture and manage your Chimp.  
• Recognise the need to look after and develop your Human.  
• Have a fully functioning Computer with Autopilots, without Gremlins,  
with contained Goblins and a thought-through Stone of Life.  
• Manage others in your world.  
• Have a fully functioning troop.  
• Communicate effectively.  
• Establish a friendly Jungle for your Chimp.  
• Have a Real World perspective in place.  
• Be able to deal with immediate and chronic stress.  
Make sure the common physical and emotional drives and needs of  
your Chimp and Human are being met. Here are some examples of  
what the Chimp needs:  
• Troop  
• Sex  
• Food  
• Power  
• Ego  
Territory  
• Security  
• Inquisitiveness  
The Human shares many of these common basic needs of the  
Chimp but also includes things such as:  
• A role or purpose in life  
• Soulmates  
• Intellectual stimulation  
We all fall into a negative state of mind from time to time, which is  
normal. The secret is to address it as quickly as possible and accept  
that it is not normal to remain in this negative state.  
The neutral state of mind  
This state is when the first four planets are spinning well and you are  
content, but this might not mean you are happy. For some, ‘content’  
is ‘happy’ but for most happiness means something more.  
The positive state of mind  
The positive state of mind is when you add positives and quality to  
your life and not just live on basics. It has a feel-good factor and your  
life feels rich, productive and fulfilling. Not surprisingly this quality  
defines happiness to many people.  
Examples of Chimp additions  
• Fun  
• New experiences  
• Pleasurable activities  
• Socialising  
• Treats  
• Rewards  
• Mental stimulation  
Examples of Human additions  
• Laughter  
• Satisfying activities  
• Achievements  
• Altruistic behaviours  
• Future planning  
• Entertainment  
• Reminders of good things – possessed and achieved  
Moving into happiness  
To become happy and enter the positive state of mind you need to  
add on extras in your life and bring quality to it. You have to put  
things in place to have the best chance of becoming happy. So look  
at the lists opposite to find examples of extras for your Chimp and  
Human, and select from them and add to them your own thoughts.  
Then make active steps to try and fulfil them. Happiness comes at a  
price because it usually takes effort.  
We can look at happiness in terms of ‘having’ and ‘being’ and  
these two aspects simply clarify the difference between ‘what you  
have’ and ‘who you are’.  
‘Having’  
The material aspect of ‘having’ includes achievements and  
possessions, whereas the emotional, physical and intellectual  
aspects of ‘having’ are less tangible. For example, the emotional  
aspect can include the need to be loved by others or to have respect  
from others. The physical aspect of ‘having’ doesn’t just include good  
health but also feelings of well-being. Intellectual aspects include  
having a fulfilling life that stimulates your brain to think and challenge  
it in a pleasant way.  
The ‘having’ list  
• Achievements  
• Possessions  
• Emotional  
• Physical  
• Intellectual  
There are many overlaps between ‘basics’ for survival and ‘additions’  
for quality. The Human and the Chimp share many features on their  
lists. The important point here is to spend time working out what you  
need to make yourself happy and then to make it happen.  
A potential problem with achievements  
Achievements are important for Humans. We like to know that we  
have done something constructive or achieved something to be  
proud of. But there may be a problem with achievements.  
Whenever we set our sights on achieving something, such as  
getting a promotion, we believe that when we have succeeded we  
will be proud and this will stay with us. Sadly, it is a very common  
experience that when we have managed to get the promotion, we  
often dismiss our achievement instead of celebrating it and then we  
look for something else to achieve.  
I have seen this in elite sport where a sportsperson tries to get a  
world record. When they have achieved it they are very often quick  
to dismiss it and say things such as, ‘Well it’s not a good world  
record, it’s just a weak world record!’  
The problem is that our Chimps are never satisfied and whatever  
we achieve, or can do, they frequently dismiss as low-key or  
worthless. So we have to be careful when it comes to achievements  
not to let the Chimp within us dismiss our efforts and achievements.  
When you achieve something, no matter how small the Chimp may  
think it is, celebrate and pat yourself on the back. It is much more  
likely to lead to a happy state of mind than allowing the Chimp to  
dismiss your achievement.  
A potential problem with possessions  
Possessions are similar to achievements. It has been shown that  
happiness derived from possessions is short-lived. Some people  
think they would be happy for ever if they won the lottery. After a  
period of adjustment it has been found that lottery winners go back  
to their previous levels of happiness. It is similar to getting something  
new; after a period of time it usually diminishes in value to you.  
Beware that you don’t forget to cherish precious things that you have  
before they are gone.  
Clashes between the Human and the Chimp when it comes to  
happiness  
Recognising a clash between what the Human and the Chimp need,  
particularly when it comes to emotional, physical and intellectual  
aspects, is very important. There are many times when the needs  
and drives of the Chimp and Human do not match.  
Some are easy to deal with. For example, playing sport can easily  
satisfy aggressive and territorial Chimp behaviours. This is socially  
acceptable and the Human can enjoy it too. If there is no outlet for  
aggression then it may displace itself into unhealthy violence.  
Sometimes there has to be a compromise because the Chimp  
and Human don’t agree. For example, it’s not unusual to find a  
couple whose sex drives don’t match. Hopefully both partners would  
want to be respectful towards each other as their Human would  
demand, but yet they need to have their sex drive fulfilled. This  
problem can be dynamite if it’s not addressed. Being honest and  
approaching the problem together to find acceptable solutions is the  
best way forward. It is dangerous to ignore a powerful Chimp drive  
because if you do, the Chimp will only agitate and may take you  
places you don’t want to go.  
Happiness is based on understanding the needs of your Human  
and Chimp and making sure that they are addressed and become  
compatible.  
Getting the right partner  
Most people want and need someone to share their life with. The  
problem, simplistically speaking, is that their Chimp and Human are  
looking for different things within that partner.  
The Chimp will only see a mate to form a bond to, in order to  
secure a territory, have a family and produce the next generation. It  
is programmed to do this by looking at the physical aspects of the  
partner and also the emotional aspects that fit its agenda.  
The Human, on the other hand, is looking for a true soulmate or  
companion and looks for Human values within the partner. Sadly,  
most people enter a relationship with either their Chimp or their  
Human but not with both.  
You will have to make sure that you are happy with the Chimp  
and Human in the other person. Beware of your own Chimp’s  
powerful emotional feelings, as they can be very fickle in the long  
run, no matter how right they may feel at the time. Enjoy the feelings  
just don’t build on these alone.  
Generally you can work out what the Chimp and Human in others  
are like. When you have done this it is a useful exercise to write  
three columns on a piece of paper. In the first column put all of the  
good points of their Chimp and their Human. In the second column,  
write down all of the not-so-good points that don’t really bother you.  
Note well, I did say ‘all of the not-so-good points that don’t really  
bother you’ and NOT ‘all of the not-so-good points that you think you  
can change in them’. To change them is extremely unlikely to  
happen! (Extremely unlikely means extremely unlikely). So the  
points in the second column must be ones that really do not affect  
you. The third column is for things in their Human or Chimp that you  
do not like and will find hard to accept.  
Now think carefully: you can live with anybody’s good points.  
Therefore, remove the first column and do not consider it. Don’t  
focus on this first column, as it will very often blind you to the bad  
points and hold you to that person, which may emotionally damage  
you. The second column means that you can honestly live with these  
points and that you accept them AS THEY ARE. So ignore this  
column. Finally we reach the third column. If you have put down  
anything in this column then you are really saying that you cannot  
live with this person. This seems tough, but research looking at lots  
of couples indicates that whenever there is even one item in the last  
column, the relationship is unlikely to last.  
This one feature could be like a single drop of poison. No matter  
how appealing and tasty-looking a meal is, if you add just one drop  
of poison then it is inedible and lethal. Relationships, environments  
and jobs can be like this. Beware the drop of poison that is just one  
irresolvable or unacceptable difference. Don’t be surprised if you eat  
the meal and take ill! Therefore, equally don’t be surprised if you  
suffer emotionally if there is a single drop of poison in your life. Think  
very carefully therefore before you enter a relationship; do not look at  
the first two columns because they are not an indication of real  
compatibility. Look at the last column and be honest with yourself.  
Finding the right partner is not too easy but the search is worth it.  
Getting yourself into a stable emotional state will attract many people  
and then putting yourself in the right place to meet them will bring  
rewards.  
Building fulfilling relationships  
All personal relationships can be improved and bring us more  
fulfilment. Here are some suggestions you can consider when  
looking at your own approach to your relationships.  
Ask yourself if you are being realistic about what this person can  
offer you, whether they are a friend or partner. It is unrealistic to  
believe that any one person can meet all your needs and that any  
one friend or partner can deliver all that you want. Most relationships  
are healthier if there are other friends and family in the picture.  
Choose your friends on the basis of not only what you can offer  
them but also what they can offer you. An ideal friend or partner is  
likely to:  
• Make you feel good about yourself  
• Help you develop as a person  
• Bring out the best in you  
• Put you first before themselves  
• Accept you as you are  
The reverse is also true, that as a good friend you would be doing  
these things for them.  
All partners hurt us and let us down from time to time. Getting  
over this and being understanding is the way to keeping the  
relationship alive.  
If you have forgiven a remorseful partner then that means putting  
the incident behind you. Forgiving doesn’t mean storing up the  
misdemeanour to use it over and over in the future when it suits you.  
If you are doing this then forgiveness is not the right word. The right  
word to describe what you are doing is tormenting. You can either  
forgive the partner, and don’t bring it up again, or you can call it a  
day and let the person find someone else who won’t torment them.  
(Notice forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means not using it  
as a weapon. However, it is sometimes wise for you to remember an  
event or behaviour if the person keeps repeating it and you think it is  
time for you to move on!)  
The handover  
As our Chimps work by having a partner in mind before they actually  
meet them, they often superimpose onto someone what they want to  
see rather than seeing what is in front of them. This can cause a  
great deal of stress as the Chimp continually tries to make the  
person out to be the ‘right person’. It makes breaking up from  
someone, who in the end is unsuitable, very difficult.  
One way that may help if you get stuck in this position is to try the  
‘handover’. Imagine that you are going to hand your partner over to  
another person and you have to be absolutely truthful about your  
partner, warts and all. Try speaking into the air and tell the new  
person what to expect from the relationship. Give the good points  
and then give the bad points, but don’t hold back. Imagine if you lie  
that they can take you to court!  
By doing the ‘handover’ you may come to realise that the new  
person is unlikely to take your partner, and you yourself may wonder  
why you are hanging on to them. I have used this exercise with  
many people who are suffering in a relationship that really isn’t going  
to work and it has given them a different perspective.  
‘Being’ is about who you are  
There are a number of aspects to consider when looking at ‘who you  
are’ and how this promotes happiness. We could consider them as a  
‘being’ list.  
The ‘being’ list is made up of:  
• Self-image  
• Self-worth  
• Self-esteem  
• Self-confidence  
In order to understand how you perceive yourself it is very important  
that you recognise the difference between the way that your Chimp  
perceives you and the way that your Human perceives you. They are  
typically a million miles apart. You really have to make a choice here  
as to which one you want to go with.  
A brief reminder of the way that the Chimp thinks will help you to  
understand why many people have a very poor relationship with  
themselves! The Chimp is a vulnerable individual trying hard to be  
accepted within the troop and trying to impress the troop. This is a  
permanent state and will never change. Typically, the Chimp will be  
very self-critical and lack confidence in its own abilities in order to  
eliminate errors or show weaknesses. It will be intolerant of any  
shortcomings or mistakes that it makes. The Chimp believes that  
others are constantly judging it and seeing its every fault.  
The way that the Human thinks will show you the alternative  
viewpoint. The Human recognises that although everyone has  
different abilities and looks, everyone is equally valuable as a human  
being. The Human also recognises that trying to impress and keep  
others happy, in order to be popular, is not a good basis for living life.  
The Human believes that all you can do is your best. The Human  
also believes that the values that count in life are not based on looks,  
achievements or possessions but are based on values such as  
honesty, integrity, kindness and consideration.  
Therefore, when it comes to assessing yourself, you and your  
Chimp will come to very different conclusions because they are  
working with very different measuring scales and values. Before you  
start to look at yourself, the most crucial thing to do is to make sure  
that you have a Stone of Life with the values that you honestly want  
to be measured by. Then measure yourself and others by these  
values and do not allow your Chimp to hijack you. For example, if  
you put cheerful, friendly and honest high on your list then measure  
yourself by these Human values.  
Self-image  
This is the way that you see your personality and presence.  
The Human will give a balanced viewpoint and see both attractive  
and unattractive aspects about yourself. But it will do this by looking  
at Human values such as compassion, honesty and altruism to  
decide on the person that you are.  
The Chimp will look at your physical appearance and your  
achievements to define who you are. Beware, the Chimp can change  
its mind very quickly and is very subjective. One minute it will think  
that you are the most amazing person around with stunning looks  
and the next it will believe that you are the ugliest creature walking  
the planet.  
Happiness about your self-image is unlikely to be stable if you  
base it on the Chimp’s opinion of what matters and is very likely to  
lead you into emotional turmoil on a regular basis. A true self-image  
will be based on how much you are living out your values.  
So how you decide on self-image is a decision between going on  
the Chimp’s values and going on the Human’s values.  
This is a choice and how you choose will definitely affect your  
happiness. STOP at this point and make sure you understand  
all that has been explained on self-image and then make your  
choice.  
Self-worth  
This is the value that you put on yourself as a person. Again, I hope  
it is obvious that the Human and Chimp will measure this against  
very different values. It is your choice as to how you wish to see your  
own worth. If, for example, you choose to weigh your worth against  
being a happy person who brings a lot of pleasure to others just by  
being pleasant and smiling, then you have a chance of seeing  
yourself as a very valuable member of the community. Your  
happiness levels will rise accordingly because even the Chimp will  
like this.  
However, if you weigh yourself up against how clever you are and  
what job you do then you may well waver from day to day in your  
self-worth as the Chimp changes its mind.  
Make your choice between Chimp and Human assessments.  
Self-esteem  
This is how you compare yourself to others. The same theme  
continues: you either use the Chimp’s criteria or the Human’s criteria  
to decide on how you compare.  
The Human is likely to say that everyone is equal in value and  
although we possess different skills and abilities the overall belief is  
that all are equal as humans.  
The Chimp will say that everyone is at a different level and some  
people are better than others, with power, looks and possessions  
being very important. Research suggests that the way you compare  
yourself to others has a major impact on your happiness levels.  
If you must compare yourself then do it with Human criteria and  
not the Chimp’s.  
Self-confidence  
This is what you believe that you are capable of doing. This is such a  
large part of our lives that a stabilising Moon to the Planet of  
Happiness represents it. The chapter on the ‘Moon of Confidence’  
will go into this in detail.  
When you look at all the ways in which you can assess yourself,  
there is a constant theme: you can either work with the Chimp and  
its value system, or you can work with the Human and its value  
system. The results then will be very different and will lead to  
different levels of happiness. Happiness is then greatly influenced by  
your own belief systems and values. In order to get this right, you  
need to turn back to the Stone of Life. It is very important to know  
what your absolute values about life and people are, BEFORE  
you start trying to work out who you are. Once you have got your  
own house in order you will be at ease with yourself and it is likely  
that your happiness levels will dramatically increase.  
The happiness approach  
To have the best chances of being happy you have to approach life,  
and yourself, in the right way.  
Some people naturally have a positive, optimistic approach to life.  
Their beliefs and attitude are slanted towards seeing the best in any  
situation. They do their best and if things don’t go right they can  
grieve but then get on with it. This approach can be learnt and  
cultivated. It is an attitude of mind. It also depends on what you see  
as normal for you. If you think happiness is not normal for you then it  
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and happiness becomes elusive.  
There are a number of approaches to life that happy people seem to  
adopt. Here are a few you could consider taking on for yourself.  
• Learning to have a realistic but positive approach to life is a learnt  
behaviour. Whenever a situation occurs where things are not going  
to plan, try to develop the habit of looking for solutions rather  
than dwelling on problems. This is an Autopilot that is very useful  
to get into your Computer.  
• The thoughts in your head and the approach you take to life are  
your choice. You can choose how much a situation bothers you.  
Think about this. It is for you to decide what in your life is important  
and what isn’t. If you don’t want something to be important then it  
doesn’t have to be.  
• Ask yourself how long you want to brood or dwell on something  
unpleasant that has passed and how long you want to stay in  
that frame of mind. Also ask what good is brooding doing?  
• One approach to life that is guaranteed to help you to be happy is to  
learn to laugh at yourself and keep a sense of humour,  
whenever you can. Again, this is an Autopilot in the Computer of  
happy people; it is a learnt behaviour. If you take yourself too  
seriously then happiness can diminish.  
• Always be proactive in life, especially in relationships. Try not to be  
reactive to another person’s moods or wishes. Decide what you  
want and then negotiate but don’t allow yourself to become a  
passive victim.  
• Try to deal with the cause of a situation and not the symptom.  
Sometimes getting things off your chest is all that is needed (letting  
your Chimp have a safe scream). However, simply screaming  
doesn’t solve the problem that caused the symptoms. Solving the  
problem is very helpful in the long run. Happy people will find and  
treat the cause!  
The happiness list  
I am still surprised when someone tells me they are unhappy and  
then can’t tell me anything that would make them happy. It doesn’t  
take long to work out some very simple things that you can do to  
promote happiness in your life. So one of the obvious things that you  
can do to increase your chances of happiness is to know exactly  
what will make you happy and then make sure this happens. If you  
are not good at looking after yourself and your own happiness, then  
form your own happiness list. This list can be referred to and things  
put in place to look forward to. The happiness list exists in two forms:  
• The ‘immediate happy list’  
• The ‘delayed happy list’  
For example, on my immediate happy list would be a cup of coffee;  
phoning a friend; walking the dog; making plans for the future;  
counting my blessings; sitting back and taking a deep breath! These  
are things that I can choose to do at any time, more or less. Even  
just sitting back and thinking of good things can make me feel  
happier. This means that at any time I can make an effort to raise my  
mood and often that’s all it takes, just a little effort. Try now to name  
ten things under your control that you could do to make you feel  
happier. Then ask yourself if you have done them recently.  
Your delayed happy list might include such things as having  
friends round for an evening; going out for a meal; holidays; playing  
sport; and so on.  
You need to take time to put these things in place so that you  
have something to look forward to. This is very important to most  
people if they are to remain happy. Within yourself you may feel fine  
but your Chimp will always demand something to look forward to, so  
nurture it by letting it know of future events. Having some future  
events to look forward to will help your Chimp to get through less  
happy moments. Happy people tend to have things to look forward  
to. They also make sure that these happy times are sacrosanct.  
Nothing stops them from happening.  
Keep these lists to hand so you can refer to them and move into a  
happier frame of mind. Try to keep these lists in line with your  
values, for example if you value being healthy and active then it is  
better to put ‘going for a walk’ or ‘eating good food’ rather than  
‘eating a whole bar of chocolate’.  
The happiness audit and virtual twin  
It is a useful exercise to monitor your happiness. Keep a diary and  
record the things that make you happy and also the things that stop  
you being happy. Having a dedicated notebook just for this purpose  
will show you clearly how you can improve and look after yourself  
better.  
One very sure way of giving yourself some honest and frank  
advice is to invent the virtual twin.  
Imagine you are one of two identical twins. Your twin is your best  
friend and loves you and is looking out for you. Give the twin a  
name. Then imagine that you are this twin. So, for example, you  
have called your twin Sam. You now become Sam. In your role as  
Sam, give advice to yourself and tell some home truths about what  
you should and should not be doing with situations, your life, and  
your problems.  
I have used this technique with numerous people who have got  
stuck with all kinds of problems. When they imagine being the twin  
they give amazing advice to themselves. It’s not surprising really  
because you know yourself best! Sometimes it just takes the  
courage to tell yourself some home truths, such as ‘stop being petty’,  
‘you need to stop being harsh on yourself’, ‘you are a good person  
and you have done your best’, ‘you need a kick up the pants’ ‘you  
need to smile and reward yourself’ and so on. If you can do it with a  
sense of humour, then this is even better!  
Happiness promoters – replacing Gremlins with  
Autopilots  
Putting in Autopilots, new behaviours and beliefs that will promote  
happiness, is an exercise that needs reinforcing regularly. Take time  
to think about habits and thoughts that you have that are destructive  
in order to find your Gremlins. Let’s look at some common themes  
that many of us can relate to.  
Battle versus lifestyle  
A battle means you will have to expend lots of effort and energy to  
win. A lifestyle means relaxing and living to expectations without  
effort.  
Try not to see battles in all you do but see lifestyles instead. For  
example, trying to diet and eat smaller portions is harder if you see it  
as a battle to cut down rather than seeing smaller portions as normal  
(and larger portions as unacceptable). Another example is to believe  
that being happy is something you have to battle to be, instead of  
relaxing and seeing being happy as normal for you. The Gremlin is a  
belief that happiness is a battle; the Autopilot is that happiness is a  
lifestyle.  
Happiness improves by finding and replacing Gremlins with Autopilots  
Dichotomous thinking  
Seeing everything as all or nothing, win or lose, success or failure, is  
dichotomous thinking where everything is seen as having just two  
options. This type of thinking is a habit, a Gremlin. It often shows  
inflexibility and leads to unhappiness. Replace the Gremlin with an  
Autopilot of seeing shades of grey and being flexible, as this is more  
likely to lead to a happier mood.  
Enjoy the roses but watch for the thorns  
Life can be a bed of roses but that means there are lots of thorns. If  
you want to be happy picking roses then be mindful of the thorns.  
Watch out for things that you know will make you unhappy and  
actively avoid them whenever possible. Avoiding things that cause  
you to have unwanted feelings is a sensible way to stay happy. If you  
can’t avoid them, then have a plan on how you will deal with them;  
don’t be unprepared for the thorns. The Gremlin is ignoring reality  
and the Autopilot is being prepared to deal with reality.  
The Crystal-ball Gremlin and snow mountain  
Crystal-ball gazing is looking into the future and trying to predict what  
is going to happen. It is usually fraught with problems and typically  
leads to unhappiness.  
First the Crystal-ball Gremlin looks into the future and sees doom  
and gloom, because crystal balls rarely show a happy future. Then  
the Crystal-ball Gremlin makes a ‘what might be’ snowball and  
pushes it down the snow slope. As the snowball rolls down the slope  
it gathers more and more snow to become a mountain. The snowball  
forms a ‘what might be’ snow mountain. You now are trapped with a  
mountain, worrying about all these ‘what might be’s.  
Smash the crystal ball and kick out the Gremlin. Replace it with  
an Autopilot of ‘cross each bridge as I come to it’. The Autopilot  
says, ‘I don’t make snowballs by guessing what will happen but I will  
stay in the here and now, and deal with things as they unfold.’  
Very often things don’t work out badly and then you have put  
yourself through misery for absolutely no reason. If you have done  
this many times, then how long do you want to keep repeating this  
before you learn to stop?  
Where the Universe ends  
At this point in time, nobody knows where the Universe ends. You  
can spend your life thinking about this or you can accept that nobody  
knows. If you have worries that cannot be changed or understood  
then accept them and stop entertaining them; you have a choice  
NOT to think thoughts that don’t help or don’t have answers to them.  
The Gremlin is spending energy on things that can’t be changed or  
understood and the Autopilot is accepting them and moving on.  
Take your hand out of the fire  
If you put your hand into a fire and then complain that it burns, the  
solution is easy: don’t ask someone else to put the fire out but take  
your hand out of the fire.  
You have a choice about the things you want for yourself in nearly  
all aspects of your life. Therefore, don’t put yourself or remain in  
situations that are making you unhappy and then complain. If you  
don’t like the rules in another person’s world, don’t stay. If you don’t  
have the right job, home, partner or friends, then change them. The  
Gremlin is living with unsatisfactory things and just complaining  
about them. The Autopilot is changing your position to get happy.  
Happiness promoters – common-sense thoughts  
The two non-identical twins of ‘Need’ and ‘Want’  
What you need isn’t necessarily what you want, and what you want  
isn’t necessarily what you need. Learn to tell the difference between  
the twins.  
You can’t share a house with a tiger  
If you are a cat lover, then you can admire and even in be awe of a  
tiger. However, despite its beauty, it is a dangerous animal and you  
will never be able to bring it into your home and share your house  
with it. It belongs in the wild.  
Sometimes people can be like this. You can admire them and  
even be in love with them, or revere them, but you can never share  
your life with them. They are dangerous and can do some serious  
damage to you. If you can recognise they have some impossible-to-  
live-with traits, then admire them in the wild and not in your home.  
Find a domestic cat that suits your home if you want happiness.  
Eat rubbish and have poor quality of life – what is the surprise?  
It is often said that ‘you are what you eat’ and there is some element  
of truth in this. If you don’t look after yourself and feel unwell what is  
the surprise? Likewise, if you don’t look after your happiness and  
you feel unhappy then why be shocked?  
Sometimes nobody might agree with you  
Happiness is more about being at ease with yourself than it is about  
being at ease with others.  
Biggest fan or biggest critic?  
In life, we all have people who criticise us. We also have our fans  
that love us despite our faults. Unhappy people are often their own  
biggest critic. All they ever do is criticise and dislike themselves.  
Happy people learn to become their own biggest fan and accept  
themselves as they are and support themselves. It is a choice. Be  
happy by loving yourself, faults and all.  
Summary key points  
• Happiness is a choice.  
To increase your chances of happiness you need to have a plan and  
implement it.  
• Define what makes you and your Chimp happy.  
• Adding extras will lift you into happiness.  
• Develop your ‘having’ and ‘being’.  
• Establish a ‘happiness approach’ and a ‘happiness list’.  
• Put in place ‘happiness promoters’.  
Suggested exercise:  
Measuring your efforts to achieve happiness  
Make happiness happen  
As happiness is so very important to all of us, this chapter  
represents the planet that will help to make the Sun shine in  
our Psychological Universe. Therefore, spend some  
considerable time implementing the recommendations  
contained in it. Work through each point, and pay particular  
attention to those that resonate with you. Don’t rush through  
the points, but rather think about each one on a day-by-day  
basis. Remember that developing happiness is like developing  
emotional skills. It takes effort and a lot of time, but you will get  
there.  
Keep a diary of each day and note down just a few lines of  
things or thoughts that brought you happiness. Also, note down  
how much effort that you made to attain happiness for that day.  
By doing this for just a couple of weeks, you may realise how  
much or how little effort you are putting into ensuring your own  
happiness.  
Chapter 17  
The Moon of Confidence  
How to be confident  
SECURITY AND CONFIDENCE stabilise happiness, therefore they are  
important to establish.  
Two options for confidence  
You are about to make a choice that will decide how confident you  
will be in every situation. Read this chapter slowly and make sure  
that you follow the reasoning step by step. If you decide to change  
your standpoint then it will give you confidence in anything you do.  
The way that most people think is as follows: ‘The more I believe I  
can do something then the more confident I am.’ These are the steps  
they follow:  
1. What is it that I want to do?  
2. How able am I to achieve this?  
3. My confidence is now measured on how I rate my ability to achieve  
my goal.  
 
This seems straightforward and it results in varying levels of  
confidence: so how do we increase our confidence?  
With this thinking there are only two ways to increase your  
confidence: either increase your ability to do something or brainwash  
yourself into believing that you can do it, even if you can’t.  
Most people default to one of these ways of thinking because the  
Chimp is hijacking them into believing there is no alternative to  
gaining confidence. However there is an alternative way of thinking,  
and a small minority of people use this. The alternative, the Human  
way, has confidence levels remaining at 100 per cent at all times, no  
matter what they do. So how does this work?  
The Chimp is saying, ‘I am basing my confidence on my belief in  
my ability to reach certain levels that I have to achieve and I  
cannot deal with the consequences of not reaching them.  
Whereas the Human is saying, ‘I am basing my confidence on doing  
my best to reach certain levels that I would like to achieve and as  
an adult I can always deal with any consequences of not reaching  
them’.  
Therefore the two choices for confidence are: to base your  
confidence on your belief in your ability, or to base it on doing your  
best. You can never guarantee what you can achieve and therefore if  
you do this, your Chimp will take the blood supply in your brain and  
cause some unease, as it will constantly see the threat of failure.  
You can guarantee to make your best effort. Therefore, if you choose  
the basis of best effort, you will have full control and your Human will  
take the blood supply. This will mean you see life as full of  
opportunities and you will deal with the consequences.  
With this choice we can see that the normal state for the Human  
is confidence because you can always do your best and deal with  
consequences, and therefore there is no fear. Whereas, the normal  
state for the Chimp is variable confidence, with a lot of fear, based  
around consequences and possible failure.  
Liz gives a talk  
Here is an example. Liz has been asked to give a talk about her role  
to 100 of her work colleagues.  
Her Chimp will now approach this by deciding what it wants to  
achieve. It wants to present a good talk and be thought of as having  
done well. As the Chimp cannot control either of these, but can only  
influence them, it now senses a threat and looks to the  
consequences of getting it wrong. As the Chimp has based its  
confidence on giving a good talk and impressing people, it’s now  
severely lacking confidence and is looking to see what could go  
wrong.  
In contrast, the Human in Liz has decided that she will base her  
confidence on doing her best. The objective, therefore, is to do her  
best. She cannot control the level of the talk or what people think but  
she will be able to deal with these outcomes because she is an adult  
Human.  
Liz knows that she will definitely do her best, even if at the time it  
goes wrong and the talk is not quite up to scratch. It will still be the  
best that she can do AT THE TIME of giving the talk. She cannot do  
better than her best. Therefore, Liz will definitely achieve her  
objective – ‘doing her best’ – and anything else is a bonus. With this  
approach she can relax and see the talk as an opportunity. Her  
confidence in doing her best is 100 per cent. Liz can also remember  
that she can reward effort rather than just celebrating achievements.  
The adult Human’s approach with 100% confidence  
Some important questions to help understand  
the concept  
But what if I could have done better?  
Think about this logically. You cannot do better than your best. Doing  
your best means that, at the time you tried, you gave it everything.  
Some things you got right and some things you didn’t get right.  
Therefore, the level you achieved perhaps could have been better if  
you had had another go. So doing your best is different to  
achieving your best, and they don’t always go together.  
But what if I fail to achieve?  
Whatever you decide to base your confidence on, you will still have  
to deal with the consequence of the outcome. Dealing with outcomes  
is something every adult Human can do but something that every  
Chimp and child finds very difficult. So you will inevitably have to  
learn to deal with disappointment and sometimes that means dealing  
with failure.  
So why choose the Human basis for confidence?  
The Human basis will mean that when it is over you will be able to  
hold your head up, smile, and say, ‘I could not have done more  
because it was my best at the time, faults and all.’ You are also more  
likely to have a better outcome if you go in smiling and relaxed rather  
than if you go in anxious and lacking in confidence.  
What if I don’t do my best?  
Not doing your best is, for example, when you are dishonest,  
deliberately lazy, indifferent or devious. Most people are not like this;  
however, they can be disorganised or undisciplined, which is  
different. So not doing your best is when you are deliberately not  
trying.  
Let me go through an example to illustrate this very important  
point. You go to a park and witness a child fall from a tree. You rush  
across and try to help them to their feet. They are clearly distressed  
and you ask if they are okay. They say that their ankle is painful so  
you phone for an ambulance. This all seems reasonable, as you are  
doing what you think is right and doing your best to deal with the  
situation. However, the operator for the ambulance gives you a bit of  
a telling off and says that this is not an emergency and the child can  
hobble along to the nearest accident department. You then help  
them along to the accident department, who deal with child, and by  
now the parents arrive. The doctor lets you know that the child has  
damaged their ankle and this is probably because you helped them  
to get onto their feet when they first fell.  
What a nightmare! You look back on the scenario and ask, ‘Did I  
achieve a high level of competence in dealing with the situation?’  
The answer is clearly ‘no’ but ‘Did I do my best at the time and with  
the ability that I had?’ The answer now is ‘yes’. So was it really your  
best? The answer is again ‘yes’ because you were trying your best.  
If, however, you had walked away from the child, knowing that the  
child needed help from you, then this would have not have been  
doing your best.  
Adam’s driving test and confidence  
Adam is about to take his driving test. His friend asks him, ‘How  
confident do you feel?’  
Adam now has a choice on where he will base his confidence.  
The first choice is to base his confidence on his ability to pass the  
test. The second choice is to base his confidence on his ability to  
do his best at the time of the test.  
If he chooses the first option then his Chimp will start looking at  
the consequences of failing and doubts will appear about his ability  
to pass the test. He is very likely to become nervous and all kinds of  
unwelcome feelings will sweep over him. The Chimp is well and truly  
in charge and it is not a good place to be. His confidence levels are  
low if not at zero. The whole experience is unpleasant.  
If he chooses the second option and goes with the Human, then  
he will say to himself, ‘I am not focusing on the outcome or  
consequences but on what I have to do. I can only do my best,  
whatever it might be, at the time I take my test. It may go well or it  
may go badly, but whatever happens I will deal with the outcome  
because I have no choice. I am an adult and I can deal with  
consequences!’  
He now takes the test saying, ‘All I can do is my best and I know  
that I will do the best I can at the time.’ He is basing his confidence  
on this belief of doing his best. His confidence is 100 per cent  
because he will definitely do his best, which is all he is asking of  
himself. He can happily say to others, ‘I did my best and I can’t do  
better therefore I can hold my head up.’ The Human has spoken!  
The two options summarised  
Confidence and self  
Self-confidence  
A common problem that makes some people very unhappy is when  
they have an unrealistic image of themselves. For example, I have  
people say to me that they lack confidence in doing anything  
because they are afraid they will say something stupid or do  
something wrong that will humiliate them. Stop and ask yourself why  
someone would have these fears?  
One very good reason for having these fears is if you have a  
belief that you are meant to be perfect: a dreadful Gremlin. It is  
impossible to live up to this and every move you make will be  
terrifying. You would be living with the idea that you should be error  
free. Trying to live up to this mythical being would give you a self-  
image of someone who is inadequate. In reality every human being  
makes mistakes continually throughout life and does something silly  
at times. Learning to accept the fact that you are human with flaws  
and faults is a great relief. It means that making mistakes and errors  
is normal. Learning to laugh at yourself when you do something silly  
or when you say something amiss is part of life and being Human. I  
don’t know anyone who is perfect, thank goodness! Admit your  
mistakes and shortcomings, but do it with a smile. Also don’t be  
afraid to say, ‘I don’t know.’  
Go a step further and think what this belief of ‘never making a fool  
of yourself’ or ‘being perfect’ is doing to the Chimp within. Each day  
you leave your home and tell the Chimp, ‘We must be perfect again  
today,’ you will stress your Chimp out of its tree. The Chimp doesn’t  
need this psychological torture, so think again before the animal  
defence organisation correctly pays you a call!  
The image you want to achieve may also be based on unsuitable  
role models, Mr Universe, Miss World, Einstein and so on. Try to be  
yourself because ‘attractive’ is a far more powerful word than  
‘beautiful’ or ‘intelligent’ when it comes to people.  
Loss of self-confidence when a relationship goes  
wrong  
Virtually everyone searches for a partner at some time in his or her  
life. This is such a powerful drive that it cannot be ignored. One of  
the problems in doing this is that we frequently try to match up with  
the wrong person. When this happens there is turmoil at the point  
when the relationship ends, whether we end it or they do.  
If they end the relationship then one of the severe consequences  
is that we fall into a state of loss of confidence in ourselves. This  
extremely painful experience is sadly a natural consequence of  
rejection and loss. It seems to take our Chimp about three months to  
come to terms with such a loss and it will go through a grieving  
process during this time. We can’t rush this, but we can prolong it by  
not grieving. During this time it is normal for someone to lose his or  
her self-confidence, but it will return. Be gentle on yourself during  
this period but watch for self-pity.  
Summary key points  
• Confidence is based on one of two ways of thinking: the Human or  
the Chimp.  
You have a choice to base your confidence on ‘doing your best’.  
• ‘Doing your best’ as a basis gives 100 per cent confidence.  
• Self-confidence is enhanced when you have a realistic expectation  
of yourself.  
Suggested exercise:  
Making confidence happen  
A choice is always made  
When you next have a loss of confidence remind yourself that  
you are in fact making a choice. You have chosen to be a child  
or Chimp and are choosing to worry about levels achieved and  
consequences, whether this is a conscious decision or not.  
Remind yourself that the alternative is to be a Human adult,  
and to choose to do your best and to deal with any  
consequences you meet. Also make a mental check on  
whether you have an image of yourself that you are trying to  
live up to and whether this is not helping the situation.  
In situations that involve a lack of confidence, take a few quiet  
moments to check which option you are choosing.  
Chapter 18  
The Moon of Security  
How to develop security  
Human, Chimp and security  
SECURITY IS THE need to feel safe in our surroundings and in our troop.  
Feeling secure will make your Chimp happy. The Chimp will always  
look to external surroundings for its security. The Human will look  
internally to beliefs for its security.  
Your Chimp will constantly search for security and try to remove  
any form of risk or vulnerability from your life because it believes  
that this is possible. Of course it is not possible to live a life  
completely free of risk, but your Chimp will attempt to do this by  
trying to keep everything constant in its world, and by tending to stick  
with the familiar. The Human within you is far more adventurous. It  
accepts that nothing in life remains constant, and knows familiarity  
can be a helpful or unhelpful thing. The Human accepts that  
vulnerability and risk are part of everyday life and they cannot be  
removed completely.  
This difference between the two beings means that there needs  
to be some compromise and a plan to deal with issues surrounding  
security. The Chimp has got a point in making you aware that there  
 
is danger but the Human must take the lead and explain to the  
Chimp the reality of life. The Human must also respect that you must  
not put your Chimp through emotions it cannot withstand. As every  
Chimp is different you must find out exactly what your own Chimp’s  
needs are for security and what it can tolerate in terms of risk and  
change.  
From this standpoint, we will begin by exploring the truth around  
security and risk as the Human sees it, and then go on to help the  
Chimp with some practical ways that can make it feel more secure.  
The truth around risk and security  
The Human is aware of some truths that the Chimp can find hard to  
deal with. Here are some of those truths:  
Security and change  
• Security is relative.  
• We are never fully secure in life because life itself is transient.  
• We live in a world that is in a constant state of change and it  
cannot exist in any other way.  
Risk  
• There is a risk attached to everything we do.  
• We have to accept that risk is part of everyday life.  
• We cannot control all risk.  
• We can control some risk.  
Vulnerability and fears  
• It is wise to face fears and address them.  
• We have to accept that vulnerability is part of everyday life.  
Practical ways to help the Chimp  
Accepting the truth  
If we can get the Chimp to accept the truth around risk, vulnerability  
and security, it will settle down considerably. This means you need to  
sit down and think through the truths attached to risk, vulnerability  
and security, and make sure that you have registered them clearly  
into your Computer. For example, here are some examples of ‘truths’  
that occur frequently.  
My partner may leave me for someone else (this risk needs  
facing if it bothers you)  
I need to accept this and get on and enjoy the time that we do have  
together. If I am happy and constructive then they are less likely to  
leave me and our quality of time together will be great. Worrying  
about it won’t help and if it does happen then I will cope.  
I may suffer illness  
If this happens I will search out appropriate help and will then work  
with the illness. If, and only if, it happens will I use energy thinking  
about it because worrying before it happens is not sensible.  
I am concerned about losing things that are important to me  
Nothing lasts for ever. Life and people are in a constant state of flux.  
This is how it is meant to be and I must enjoy the journey.  
When you have written out your concerns then you can write down  
the truths next to them. If you do not live by these truths then the  
Chimp will constantly become distressed and overreact to many  
minor risks that you put it through and search for a security that does  
not exist. However, the Human must accept that the Chimp is not  
built to feel secure and will always have its moments and need  
constant attention.  
Key Point  
Feeling insecure from time to time is normal for a Chimp, so  
expect it, accept it and then take care of it.  
The troop  
For most Chimps, the troop is the biggest factor to bring a sense of  
security. When we share concerns or worries, or when we go  
through experiences with others, it is surprising how much we can  
manage. If we try to go it alone we can become very distressed and  
get things out of perspective. Don’t forget that it is wise to ask for  
support from a member of the troop, or a professional, if you are  
having difficulties dealing with a problem. One of the strengths of the  
troop is that members work for each other. Rely on your troop in  
times of insecurity.  
Security in another person  
Basing your security on one other person is usually unwise. Most  
people have reliable partners and sharing with a partner is one of the  
joys of life. However, basing your security on a partner or any other  
one individual is a recipe for disaster. When we are dependent on  
someone else for our well-being in some form or other, it tends to put  
restrictions on what we can and can’t do and it may be that we have  
to accept this. Whenever possible, try to separate out your physical  
dependence on someone from your emotional security on them:  
these are two different things.  
There are situations when it might be wise to rely on someone  
else for our security. For example, when we fall in love it is difficult  
for us to control our Chimps. Our brains release a lot of chemicals  
that basically diminish our ability to think straight. Our judgement of  
this person can be very impaired. And this poses a risk. So, if you  
are in love, remember that you are not quite in a balanced state of  
mind; in fact, you’re a little mentally deranged! Listen to your best  
friends because they are not so blind!  
Try to gain security from within, by basing your peace of mind on  
beliefs, and let your Human guide you.  
Reassurance  
Whenever your Chimp is feeling insecure, be practical and where  
possible seek reassurance. For example, if you feel insecure at work  
then make sure that you establish exactly what your role is meant to  
be, where your boundaries are, who you report back to, what their  
expectation is of you and how you will be assessed. You can also  
ask for feedback to know how you are doing and how you could  
improve in any areas of weakness. Being practical in this way is very  
reassuring for the Chimp. A Chimp that lives with unknowns and  
fears that could be addressed is an unnecessarily insecure and  
unhappy Chimp.  
Reassurance within any relationship is also a good idea to check  
on from time to time. It helps to know where you stand and how the  
relationship is going.  
Seeking reassurance is a wise thing to do whenever you need it.  
However, if the Chimp is constantly seeking reassurance,  
inappropriately, then it is likely that there is a fear that is not being  
addressed or the Chimp needs reminding of the truths surrounding  
security. It helps your partner’s Chimp to feel secure if you reassure  
it without being asked!  
Familiarity  
If you have an insecure Chimp then establishing a routine that is  
familiar to you can do wonders to settle the Chimp. If you have to go  
through some new routines or experiences it may help an insecure  
Chimp to remind it that once you have become familiar with the new  
routine the fears will go. Until then it is very natural for it to feel some  
apprehension.  
A secure future  
Looking to the future and preparing plans to deal with problems or  
fears can be a constructive exercise. Notice that we are talking about  
having plans to deal with problems or fears, not just searching out  
fears and then not dealing with them. Searching out and confronting  
fears can be a healthy exercise and can often be done with a  
thoughtful friend or professional. Being able to see the way through  
and removing danger or threat is offering the Chimp great security.  
Being able to deliver what is being asked of you, or knowing that  
you have someone who can help you to deliver what is needed, will  
allay the Chimp’s fears considerably. The important point here is that  
you are addressing real fears, such as finances, work, housing and  
so on and being very practical about them. Avoiding facing any fears  
will cause immense stress and evoke feelings of apprehension in  
your Chimp.  
Specific fears that are real  
Insecurity is sometimes about death, pain or injury. These are real  
fears and worth confronting. There is little point in dwelling on them,  
but given some constructive thinking time, the concerns surrounding  
them will subside.  
The way forward, when looking at these specific fears, is to ask  
yourself what is outside of your control and what is inside of your  
control. Your Chimp will want to control the uncontrollable and then  
become very distressed when it can’t do this. The Human accepts  
that some things we cannot control and therefore we must accept  
them or deal with them at the time they appear.  
Summary key points  
• Security is one of the major stabilisers for happiness.  
• The Chimp frequently seeks out security unrealistically.  
• Healthy normal Chimps have fears and concerns over security and  
vulnerability.  
• The Human needs to place an Autopilot into the Computer to steady  
the Chimp.  
Suggested exercise:  
Making the Chimp feel secure  
Addressing security issues  
Allocate time to consider the security you have in place to  
reassure your Chimp. Make a list of those things that concern  
or worry you and divide the list into those things that you can  
control and those that you can’t control. Where you can control  
security issues then make plans to deal with them.  
When working through the list of those things that you can’t  
control, ask yourself how willing you are to accept these, as  
there really is no choice. In order to change your worries you  
must change your stance. Ask yourself directly how willing you  
are to move ground.  
Looking Forward  
The Sunrise  
You have now crossed your Psychological Universe and have a  
comprehensive picture of all the areas you can work on. Using the  
Chimp model to develop yourself and improve the quality of your life  
will make a huge difference to both yourself and others around you.  
The rewards can be immeasurable.  
Many people have worked with the model and put time aside to  
learn emotional skills and maintain them. They have applied the  
techniques on a regular basis and have reported that it is life-  
changing. I sincerely hope that you will have the same experience.  
Changes within you take time and effort. They usually happen  
gradually and often occur unnoticed by you, but not by others. Don’t  
be disheartened if you have setbacks; instead learn from them and  
always celebrate any successes. Remember: you always have a  
choice. The choices you make and how you choose to deal with life  
will determine your success and happiness. So what are you going  
to do today that will make you happier and more successful?  
Your Chimp will always be alive and kicking and you must accept  
that fact and work with it. It is not bad, it is not good: it is a Chimp. It  
brings every emotion to your world. It can be your best friend and  
worst enemy. It is the Chimp Paradox.  
Thank you for reading the book and sharing this journey with me.  
I wish you well as you continue to watch the Sunrise.  
 
Appendix A  
The Complete Psychological Mind  
The illustration below shows the complete Psychological Mind with  
all six working components, namely the Human, the Chimp and the  
Computer with its Goblins, Gremlins, Autopilots and Stone of Life.  
The diagram here provides a complete overview of the Psychological  
Universe. Many of the planets have moons which have a stabilising  
influence on individual planets. This is why it is always important to  
work on the moons, as well as the planets themselves.  
 
Appendix B  
The Complete Psychological Universe  
 
 
Index  
The page references in this index correspond to the printed edition  
from which this ebook was created. To find a specific word or phrase  
from the index, please use the search feature of your ebook reader.  
abusive reminder sticks 270, 306  
accountability 263, 264  
achievement 41  
potential problem 302  
adrenalin 32–3, 199  
alcohol and drugs 239  
Alpha Wolf Mindset 138–9  
ambience 182–4  
AMP 208–9, 225  
amygdala 36  
arbitration 188  
assertiveness vs. aggression 184–7  
attribution error 290–1  
autistic spectrum disorder 132–3  
Autopilots 77, 78, 85, 91, 311  
inputted by Chimps 107  
inputted by Humans 83, 106–7, 119  
instant stress blueprint 202–7  
replacing Gremlins 94–5, 96, 100–2, 104–5, 223, 290, 314–17  
balanced judgement 25  
beating yourself up 83, 125, 226, 269  
‘being’ 307–10  
black and white thinking 21, 68  
body language 20, 37, 107, 147, 174–6  
 
boundary disputes 182–3  
brain(s) 7, 297  
differently functioning 132–4  
gender differences 36  
how information is received 47–55  
neuro-transmitter imbalance 239  
Psychological Mind 7–8  
carrots and sticks 265–70  
catastrophic thinking 21–2  
change, as stressor 213  
Chimp (limbic brain) 7–8, 8–12  
agenda 27–8  
‘arm-wrestling’ 48, 253  
basis for confidence 321, 322, 324–5  
Boxing 62–7  
and Core Moon 253–4, 256, 259, 262, 263, 264, 265  
communication agenda 162, 168–71, 184–5  
and decision-making 23, 211, 212  
definition of success 141–2  
dismissing achievements 302  
and Dream Machine 273, 275–6, 279, 282–3, 284–5, 288–90,  
292, 293–5  
effect of changing a word 180–2  
emotional thinking 16, 17–23, 67–9, 237  
Exercising 60–1, 67, 208, 236, 262  
feeding bananas 69–71  
happiness clash with Human 303  
health agenda 233, 234–5  
hijacking by 10, 14, 38, 44–55, 123, 124, 125, 170, 211, 226, 321  
inputting Autopilots 107  
inputting Gremlins 84, 97, 100, 106, 153  
interface with Human and Computer 112–15  
Jungle Centre 30–9  
managing 60–71, 115–20, 274  
meeting others 141–4  
middle of the night thinking 237  
and Moon of Carrots 265–6, 267, 268–9  
nature and nurture 122, 123  
night-time thinking 237  
nurturing 56–9, 313  
in others 165–6, 176, 177–8, 179, 185–6, 304  
personality 42, 120–1  
power struggle with Human 15, 51–5  
praise and recognition 59–60, 268  
and Regal Moon 244, 245, 246, 248, 250  
response to failure 293–5, 323, 327  
and security 329–30, 331–5  
self-assessment criteria 307, 309, 310  
strength 15, 48–9  
and stress 200–1, 202–3, 205, 210, 213, 219–20  
three states of mind 298, 299, 300  
and the troop 81, 152–3, 154–5, 156–7, 158–9  
using Computer as reference 84–5, 94–6  
Chimp Paradox 41, 337  
Chimp’s World (jungle) 192–5, 244, 266  
chronic stress 217–29  
checking for 218–19  
dealing with 220–1, 226–7  
from circumstances or events 225  
from others 225  
from self 222–4  
monkey analogy 227–8  
preventing 219–20  
responsibility for 217  
what it is 217–18  
commitment 252–6  
Commitment Screen 256–61, 279–80  
common-sense thoughts 317–18  
communication 162–90  
four ways 162–3  
preparing for significant conversation 184–7  
presentation and packaging 174–84  
right agenda 168–73  
right place 167–8  
right time 167  
right way 173  
Square of 163–84  
compassion 40  
Computer (parietal brain) 7–8, 12–13, 74–93, 121  
automatic functioning 74, 77–83  
contents 76–7  
how information gets in 75  
interface with Chimp and Human 112–15  
managing 94–111  
managing Chimp with 118–20  
in men and women 75–6  
nature and nurture 122–3  
as a reference source 74, 83–5  
speed 76, 118, 200–1  
Computer’s World 197  
confidence 274, 320–7  
and self 325–7  
two options for 320–5  
conflict resolution 187–8  
conscience 40  
context and perspective 25  
cortisol 199  
Crystal-ball Gremlin 316  
decision making  
by Chimp 23  
and stress 211–12  
by women 37–8  
Dream Machine 272–96  
Cog 1: dreams vs. goals 273–6  
Cog 2: Foundation Stones 277–9  
Cog 3: Commitment Screen 279–80  
Cog 4: the plan 280–1  
Cog 5: oiling the wheels 281–5  
Cog 6: audit 286–91  
Cog 7: outcomes 291–6  
drives 34–5, 55, 57–9  
conflicting 224  
eating drive 34–5, 55  
emotional injury 236–8  
emotional thinking 16–17, 19–23, 67–9  
emotive judgement 23  
environments 191–8  
evidence-based thinking 24  
excellence 264–5  
expectations  
of others 145–9  
unhelpful and unrealistic 81–2  
failure 293–5  
familiarity 334  
fears, specific and real 334–5  
Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF)  
response 31–4, 200  
first impressions (primacy effect) 141–2  
Fridge Door Syndrome 79–81  
future security 334  
Gage, Phineas 9  
Goblins 77, 78–9  
example 79–81  
Gremlins 77, 78–9, 91, 94–6, 142, 326  
dancing together 103–4  
examples 81–3  
finding 96–7  
hijacking personality 125  
inputted by Chimp 84, 97, 100, 106, 153  
inputted by Human 107  
and lack of assertiveness 166–7  
as references 84–5, 95  
removing 97–8  
replacing with Autopilots 94–5, 96, 100–2, 104–5, 223, 290, 314–  
17  
‘should’ 102–3  
and Snow White Mindset 135–6  
stopping any more entering Computer 105–7  
and stress 219–20, 222, 226  
grief and grieving 207, 236, 295, 327  
guilt, blame and regret 226, 270  
habits 123  
happiness 297–319  
approach 311–14  
meaning 297  
moving into 301–10  
promoters 314–19  
three states of mind 298–300  
‘having’ 301  
health 232–40  
illness 238–9  
malfunction and dysfunction 232–3  
physical maintenance 233–8  
honesty 40  
Human (frontal brain) 7–8  
agenda 29–30  
basis for confidence 321, 322, 323, 325  
and Core Moon 253, 254–5, 256, 262, 264  
communication agenda 171–2, 184  
definition of success 241–2  
developing 71–2, 196  
happiness clash with Chimp 303  
health agenda 233  
inputting Autopilots 83, 106–7, 119  
inputting Gremlins 107  
interface with Chimp and Computer 112–15  
intervening to stop Chimp 116–17  
logical thinking 16–19, 24–6  
male and female 36, 38  
meeting others 142–4  
and Moon of Carrots 265–7  
nature and nurture 122, 123  
personality 42, 120–1  
power battle with Chimp 15, 51–5  
response to failure 293–5  
and security 329–30  
self-assessment criteria 307–8  
three states of mind 298, 299, 300  
and the troop 153–4, 157–9  
using Computer for reference 84–5, 94–6  
Human’s World (society) 196, 244, 266  
Humanity Centre 38–41, 134, 157  
instant stress 199–216  
Autopilot blueprint 202–7  
chicks and goslings 214–15  
common stressors 210–13  
diffusing 208–10  
purpose of and reaction to 199–201  
instincts 31–4, 77–8  
intonation 176–8  
irrational thinking 19, 22  
jumping to an opinion 20  
Jungle Centre 30–9  
law-abiding 40  
Life Force 89, 90, 108  
life is unfair 86, 208  
logical thinking 16–17, 24–6  
male and female  
Chimps 36–9, 58  
Computers 75–6  
Humans 36, 38  
maternal drive 37, 100, 224  
mediation 188  
mental health 235  
mental illness 239  
micro-expressions 176  
million-pound question 261  
Mindset(s) 90–2  
different 135–9  
establishing and living by 108–10  
and personality 124  
motivation vs. commitment 255  
Mushroom Syndrome 222–3  
nature and nurture 122–3  
negotiation 188  
‘never-ending wrong person’ trail 164  
oestrogen 38  
‘one in five’ rule 148  
others 130–50  
meeting 139–49  
Realms of 248–9  
reasons for wanting to understand 143–5  
as source of stress 225  
understanding the mind and personality of 131–9  
ownership (control) 262–3  
paradoxical psychology 262  
paranoid thinking 21, 68–9  
parental drives 28, 59  
partners  
getting the right 303–5  
the ‘handover’ 306–7  
non-matching sex drives 303  
and security 331, 332–3  
and the troop 160–1  
perpetuation of the species 27–8  
personal excellence 265  
personality 120–4  
changing and developing 126–7  
Chimp and Human 42, 120–1  
contributing factors 123–4  
development 121–2  
who are you? 124–6  
personality disorder 134  
possessions, potential problem 302  
proactivity and reactivity 234, 311–12  
Psychological Mind 7–14, 31, 120, 338  
Psychological Universe 3, 127, 339  
psychopaths 40, 133–4  
rational thinking 24–5  
reassurance 333–4  
recuperation 235–6  
relationships  
building fulfilling 305–6  
constant change 213  
ending, and loss of self-confidence 326–7  
professional and personal 249–52  
see also partners  
responsibility 263–4  
road rage 49–51, 118–19  
satisfaction 41  
security 329–35  
Chimp, Human and 329–30  
helping the Chimp 331–5  
truth around risk and 330–1  
self-agenda 29  
self-confidence 310, 325–7  
self-control 41  
self-esteem 293–4, 310  
self-image 308–9  
self-serving bias 288–90  
self-survival 27–8  
self-worth 309  
sense of purpose 41, 71  
sex drive 27–8, 37, 54, 303  
shades of grey 25  
‘should’ and ‘could’ 102–3, 180–1  
Snow White Mindset 135–7  
society agenda 29  
‘Stanford Marshmallow’ experiment 41  
Stone of Life 77, 86–90, 119–20, 308, 310  
perfecting 108  
stress see instant stress; chronic stress  
success 241–71  
and complacency 292  
Core Moon 252–65  
defining 241–2  
and emotional dive 292–3  
and fear 292  
measuring 242  
Moon of Carrots 265–70  
partial 243, 293  
Regal Moon 243–52  
see also Dream Machine  
successful thinking 287–8  
Sun 3, 108  
support 269 see also troop  
teams 252  
territorial drives 57–9  
testosterone 38  
troop drive 81, 152–3  
out-of-control 155–6  
troops 151–61  
maintenance and roles 159–60  
and partners 160–1  
purpose 151–6  
and security 332  
selecting 156–9  
‘truths’, deciding on 98–100  
Truths of Life 86–8, 89  
turning the light on and going to court 291  
values 88, 90, 310  
virtual twin 313–14  
vulnerable stance 35–6  
words, use of 178–82  
worrying 45, 222–3  
Acknowledgements  
There are so many people who have contributed in varying degrees  
to the making of this book, both directly and indirectly, that I would  
need an extra chapter just to list them. Therefore, I would rather say  
a massive thank you to everyone who has helped rather than miss  
someone out.  
Special thanks, however, must go to three people who have  
contributed tirelessly: Ruth Banner, my niece, who has read and re-  
read the developing book over months and months, and offered  
suggestions and criticism that have been invaluable; Jeff Battista, my  
graphic designer, who has patiently designed and re-designed the  
graphics and discussed how best to represent my ideas; and  
Susanna Abbott, my editor, who has encouraged and guided me,  
tolerating my Chimp’s outbursts with patience, through the minefield  
of publishing this book.  
Therefore, to friends, colleagues, patients and students, many,  
many grateful thanks.  
Finally, I would like to dedicate this book to Chimpanzees and  
other Great Apes, who in the future may read this book and come to  
realise, for better or for worse, that they have a Human inside them!  
 
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